When I left my home, children and wife 14 years ago, I was convinced my wife was the wrong person for me--that I had found a "soul mate."

It wasn't until she became strong and independent that I began second-guessing my feelings. It's funny as my situation is turned around now. She is the one who doesn't know if she wants the marriage to work and I have become a "stander."

During the past 3 months (she told me in Oct. that she wanted a separation and would do so "after the holidays"), I have done more than my fair share of begging, pleading, crying, etc. This and other things caused her to lose respect for me. I too have read "Love Must Be Tough," and have found that very hard to do as I have been very depressed, panicky and desperate.

It's odd looking back at our separation of 14 years ago, realizing that when she became strong and independent and pulled away, that was a big factor in me changing my mind and heart. Depsite all of the energy I have put into trying to "solve" our marriage dilema, even reading the tough love book, it has finally dawned on me that what she did then worked on me.

It's very hard to figure out what to do. I think becoming strong and independent while staying committed to the marriage is probably best. Make the decision that you would regret least. Sometimes it will take time when setting boundries for your spouse to respond. It may not happen right away. But continue to pray that God will change his heart. Continue to pray that God repair your marriage and family and continue to seek His guidance.

I will pray for you, your husband and your marriage.

I certainly think that you have a right to insist on his sexual and emotional faithfulness in the marriage.  It is dangerous for you physically to have a spouse who is promiscuous.  There is no way your relationship can go forward without this committment and rebuilding trust.

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Hi Maryanne

I feel your pain.  Just keep praying for your ex.  That is all you can do.  But I feel you made the right choice.  We have to set boundaries or some men will take advantage of us.  Thats when Tough Love comes in.   If he "is not" willing to change, there is nothing you can do.   If he is willing to change there is always hope to work on that.   I read the book  "The Power of a Praying Woman" by Stormie Omartian.  That book helped me sooo much to uplift me and inspire me.  If you have a chance please read it.   Take care and God Bless   

Jaybee45  and  Chipfishing Jay  _ I can relate how you feel.  I have been there done that.  Its only normal to feel the way you feel when you LOVE someone.  As a woman, your wife still being at home tells me some things,  1.  She still is there because she has no where to go and can not afford an apartment by herself,  2.  She still has love for you and somewhere in the back of her mind has hope that the marriage can be fixed.  All I know is that we CAN NOT do it alone.  Trust me.  I have tried and it did not work.  We need to seek  help and counseling from spiritual men of God.    You as the Leader of the home need to keep searching for that help.  You can call  Focus on the Family and talk to a Christian Counselor to see what they advice.  They also can refer you to a “local” counselor in your area where you can keep getting counsel as to what steps can you keep taking.   

Sometimes we have to do “the possible” and God will take care of “the impossible”.    Its like if you need a job and you stay home praying and praying and praying to God to help you get a job, yet you don’t go out there and look for a job, how can the Lord open the door for the job if you are at home??  If a man does not take care of his wife’s emotional needs it makes a woman feel empty and alone.  Its sad that she has waited this long to take action.  She should have expressed her feelings to you over and over until maybe you could have gotten it.    At least you have admitted that her reasons are real and significant.  Which is a good start.  Some men don’t even want to admit they did anything wrong.    Have you seen the movie  “Fire Proof”  ??  Sometimes resources like this one gives you ideas to try to win her heart again.  It’s a matter of winning her heart again.    OMG and if she has “agreed” to participate in the Retrouvaille program that is a very good sign.  Trust me Im a woman.    Give it time.  Take one step at a time.  Let her get there to Retrouville.  Maybe things might change there. 

But I would advice you to start praying now for the Lord to touch her heart and for the Lord to intervene.  Even fast if you have to.  Fasting is “very” powerful.  She is very hurt right now and that is how we act when we are hurt.  But if he has agreed to go to the program this is very good.  Give her the space she needs until she gets there.  At least she is still home even if at times you don’t talk.  This is very good.   “Someone” has to take the “first” step to get this marriage healed.  You are the head of the househould.  Why should “you” withdraw if you say that she has “valid” reasons for feeling the way she feels? ?    Be her friend and emotional support “without” any sexual actions.  At this time that is the last thing on her mind.  I guess she is trying to look for emotional healing and she needs your help to find it.  With that comes saving the marriage.    I truly believe that if “LOVE” in still in “both” of your hearts this marriage can be saved.  Trust me I have been there done that and we have been married for 28 years. 

You are 100% right in that the Lord would “definitely” want a marriage to stay together not divorce.  Try not to  be impatient if you still have not gone to the Retrovaille program.  Lets see what happens.  She has to start building the trust in you little by little.  It takes time.  And if you feel guilty of the things you have done, then give her the time she needs to heal.  Try to be consistent in treating her very nice and loving her and helping her and maybe buying her flowers.  The Fire Proof movie sure gives you plenty of ideas.  Even a candle light dinner.  Now I don’t know if you have a friend that can help you to watch the kids.  Impatience is going to make the situation worst.  Sometimes we have to Let Go and Let God.  I have experienced that when I do that, that is when things start happening.  The bible says that we should not be anxious of nothing.  That the Lord has it all under control. 

As far is separation is concerned.  I have heard that “sometimes” that does help.  But I feel that you should try to find out what does she really would like to see happen.  Then you both come to an agreement which way to go to make the marriage work.  Have you read the book,  “The Power of a Praying Husband”??  that is another great resource.  Little things like this will give you insight as the man of the household and “help” you trust in the Lord more and make you strong while the healing process is happening.  The bible says the Faith comes by the hearing of the word.  So the more you “hear” from the Lord the more your faith will become stronger.  To me the Retroville program is a big step towards fixing your marriage.

Chipfishing  -  I totally agree with you.  What you did is the right Tough Love action that sometimes we as woman have to make for the men to wake up and smell the coffee.  I have been there done that and has worked for me many times.  I took the time alone to really get closer to God and it does make you much stronger.  I can tell the Lord is working with you.  He did the same to me.  I started reading the book,  “The Power of a Praying Woman” by Stormie Omartian and this book helped me a lot too.  The bible says that “every…house divided against itself will not stand” (Matthew 12:25).  You cant have peace if you are living in a discord with anyone in your home.  If your husband decides that he does want to change and come back home,  I “highly” recommend marriage counseling.  That was one of my boundaries when my husband wanted to come back home and I made sure he kept his word.  We BOTH went every week.    I did the same thing, I made a decision to move forward without him and started working on myself to become spiritually strong and left him in God’s hands.    I felt the same thing you did the same kind of break through and had “total” peace inside of me and I Let Go and Let God handle the rest.  You are on the right path in having confidence that you have confidence that God will work on him as he is working in you.  We cannot put our life on hold while waiting.    We do need to move on and be strong and dependent in the Lord.   

All take care and God Bless.

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