Dear TR,
wow - from your last 2 it looks like a lot has happened both bad and good.
A couple of thoughts jump to mind.
Firstly, yes, there are more kids than your son who struggle with this situation in your church. I can guarantee that. when I was in high school 4 of the 6 kids in my class in our congregation were same-sex-attracted and the adults never knew. However, if your pastor and/or youth group leaders are willing to listen then there may be another direction for you besides finding another church. That is, instead of finding another church, you might be able to use this as a time to help your son learn to forgive. As you yourself found out, Christians often say the right things and then hardly talk to you again. As much as this happens to you, it will be even more common for your son over the coming years. He will need to understand why that happens and learn to forgive. Such people really aren't meaning to be hurtful. Unless they have been through this or have had a family member go through this they just don't know what to do and wind up doing nothing or the wrong thing (the same is true of your pastor). Your son does need to learn how to forgive, be patient, be polite and explain to others what he is feeling inside and what he needs from them. Usually people's responses come from the best intentions. They want to help but don't know how and so they are confused about what to do. If your son can learn to be as understanding of them as he wants them to be of him, he will find life will not only be a lot smoother for him but the path to healing will be more attractive and easier. So, if your pastor and youth group leaders are willing to learn, staying in that church might be something to consider - especially since your son does enjoy that particular Bible study. If they are unwilling to learn, however (and there are many out there like that) then continuing your search for a new church would be advisable.
Secondly, I know it is hard for you when your son tells you he is attracted to one boy or another. But, if this helps, he has chosen a much healthier way of dealing with this than was open to me and my friends 30 years ago. To some extent, though I hate to say it, we have the gay community to thank for this option rather than the Church. What I mean is that when I was a kid no boy dared to tell his parents if he were dealing with this issue. As one guy at the last Exodus conference said, "growing up homosexual is like growing up in a dark, lonely, scary place." It really does feel like you are growing up in a closet, all alone. So, when I was a kid you had two choices. You could hide your temptations and pretend you were straight until you got away from home and then secretly start taking part in the gay subculture. Those of my friends who chose that route wound up bitter and angry at the church and caused major damage to their parents when they finally told their mom or dad that they had a "boyfriend." Or you could chose the route I took, commit to purity but put on a mask, pretend to be someone you weren't and try to be nice to everyone to make them like you. The problem with this route is that "I love you" will never make it past the mask you wear. To this day, every time my mother tells me she loves me at the end of a phone call I can't help but wonder, "but would you love me if you knew who I really was?"
As hard as it is for you right now, your son has let you see the real person. He has shown you the hardest, worst part of himself. And he is even talking to you about who he is attracted to - which is rather amazing. Yes, it's tough right now. But here is the good news. Because he is not wearing a mask around you, he really hears you when you say I love you. And you are taking the situation in exactly the right direction by encouraging friendship instead of "love" with the other boys. You would never have had the chance to do that if he had not told you how he felt.
Or, to put it another way, your son is where the tax collectors were. Unlike the Pharisees who hid behind the masks of good works, the sins of the tax collectors were open. They could not hide. Everyone knew what they had done and what they were. So when Jesus offered forgiveness they were ready. When he offered friendship, they were excited. They were open and genuine about their sin so when Jesus said, "I love you," it really meant something to them and produced repentance, faith and change in them. Isn't this really what Jesus asks of all of us, that we be open before Him? That we open the deepest, worst, most awful place of our heart to Him so that His forgiveness can really reach us?
I would say that God is already powerfully answering your prayers and intervening by leading your son to be open and to tell you about the boys he is attracted to. So, keep praying, keep the boundaries up, keep pointing your son to friendship and to the Bible. God is already working and He is faithful. He will continue to work in your sons' life.
One suggestion for your husband: Men get nervous when there is nothing they can do to "fix" things. So, it might help to have something specific he can do. So here is what I am suggesting to a family in my church who suspects their son may be struggling with this issue. It's worth a shot and can't hurt anything
step 1: Your husband should find an activity he and your son will both enjoy. It should be masculine but does not have to be overly so. It should be something your son really likes so that he is unlikely to turn his dad down when asked to go with him. It could be attending a car race or a demolition derby or watching a horror movie or playing a moderately violent video game. It can even be going to an amusement park or rock concert. It absolutely should not be a quiet activity like going to the zoo as silence puts too much pressure on men to "talk" rather than "do." And for the purpose of this activity doing something with his dad is much more important than talking. It should probably be something that does not require a lot of emotional interaction between them as that would likely scare your son off if he and his dad are not real close right now. (If your son wants to bring a friend along, by the way, that would probably be ok as it is always nice for a boy to hear another boy say, "wow, your dad is cool." However, it should not include your other son - your husband should come up with another, equally enjoyable activity to do with your other son during the same week so that each boy has his own time with dad)
step 2: Your husband should not bring up the topic of homosexuality or any other emotional topic during the activity. If your son brings up the topic, answers should be brief, honest and positive and should put off more discussion for another time. The point is that your son and his father need to spend time together focussing on an activity, not analyzing their relationship.
step 3: At some point during the preparation for the activity, you should say something that makes it obvious you do not want to take part because you are a woman and this is a man's activity (but don't put it that bluntly or your son will catch on). About a video game, for instance, you can say, "I just don't see what you guys like about things like this - all that blood and gore make me sick." Or, if they go to a demolition derby, "I just can't see what you guys find attractive about all the noise and destruction and exhaust." Just make sure that the concept of "you guys" is linked to the concept of "mom won't do this cause she's too prissy."
step 4: During the activity his dad should touch him in masculine ways a few times. A "man hug" of a quick arm around the shoulder and squeeze briefly then let go, a punch on the arm, dad playfully messing his son's hair, a chest bump if appropriate - your husband will know what I mean.
step 5: If a ride home is involved they should not discuss homosexuality - your son should not feel that an activity with is dad is a means to "trap" him into lecturing him about the issue.
Basically the point is that your husband needs to invite your son into the world of men in an enjoyable, nonconfrontational manner. Your son needs to get the message, "Dad and I are doing this cause we are guys. mom is not doing this cause she's a woman."
What i am suggesting is that your husband react to your son in the way Christ reacted to the tax collectors. Have you ever noticed He never said one word to them about their sins? When He did mention their sins in a sermon, he hit the whole community even harder and told his listeners they were as sinful as the tax collectors. He never talked about hell when speaking with the tax collectors. He just spent time with them. His presence was far more powerful than any sermon or lecture. Your husband can use the same technique with his son and get across to him, "no matter what you do, you are my son and I enjoy spending time with you." He doesn't have to have the answers or fix things. His presence can be the answer.
I don't know if any of those thoughts help. I just know that there are so many things God can and will do for your son and through him and this time may be the preparation for some pretty amazing things in your son's life. God does promise to work ALL things to the good of those He has called, not just the pleasant or happy things (how frustrating that must be for Satan when God takes his most devious plans to hurt us and turns them around to our good instead.) God really really means what He says when he tells us that nothing in heaven or on earth can separate us from the love of God in Christ.
There is no magic wand, of course. Your son will make mistakes and may fall into sin. He may even, for a long time, choose to live in ways you can not approve of. Just keep telling him you love him. Keep showing him that you care. And, above all, remember that God loves to go looking for lost sheep and your son will never go anywhere that God can not find him.
