Up to Discussions in Spouses

This Question is Possibly Answered

2,097 Views 3 Replies Last post: Feb 4, 2010 2:21 PM by kjh RSS
feeling_lost Community Member
feeling_lost
1 posts since
Dec 16, 2009
Currently Being Moderated

Dec 16, 2009 1:00 PM

Soon to be pastors wife and scared!

I am so happy that they have this site for families in the ministry!!  I am a stay at home mom to my two wonderful boys 4 and 11 months.  Let me start by saying I adore my husband and we have a wonderful marriage.   That being said I am a soon to be pastor's wife and I am scared!  My husband is on internship and while it has gone well for him, and is affirming his call.  My kids and I are kind of left in the dust.  I don't feel like I am being called to be a pastor's wife.  In fact I have never felt so far away from God before!  The seminary process has been stressful, unpredictable, hard on my 4 year old, and very hard on me.   Since we have been on internship I have made NO friends here and no one has taken an interest in welcoming our family.  My husband is gone... a lot, and I sometimes feel like a single parent.  He is normally a very attentive father and husband.  Things feel like they are slipping away.  I am many friends who are also away on internship with their husbands and none of them seem happy.  Is this what ministry life is suppose to be like?  Why would I want this life for my children?  Is there any hope of my family being happy in the ministry or should we get out while we still can?

pastorcpa Community Member
pastorcpa
3 posts since
Dec 3, 2009
Currently Being Moderated
1. Dec 17, 2009 1:50 PM in response to: feeling_lost
Re: Soon to be pastors wife and scared!

Dear "Soon to be pastors wife":

 

Thank you for your honesty and candor about the impact that ministry will/is having on your family life. My wife had the same concerns and I made the mistake of not really listening to her while I went ahead with going into the pastorate some seven years ago. Ministry is the most difficult job I have ever had, and if God had not called me AND my wife to it, we would not be doing it. So it is first of all VERY IMPORTANT that BOTH of you agree with God's call on your lives, and openly discuss the costs and your concerns with your husband. Second, remember that though ministry will cost you, if God is really calling you to it, He will provide the grace and change you both in such a way that you will grow deeper and closer in your relationship with the Lord that will will make you the vessels that are effective. I persoanlly know of many good "speakers" who are good preachers but not good, compassionate pastors - and that takes time and, unfortunately, periods of pain. Yes, there is pain, but if God is in it, it is going to be worth it, and your would not want to be anywhere else - you, your husband and your children.

 

Third, I would STRONGLY suggest that you develop some type of frendship network NOW, before your husband graduates from seminary. Loneliness is the ministry, both for the pastor (if he admits it or not) and his wife is absolutely devastating, so if you decide to commit to the ministry as a couple you need to make a great deal of effort in making friends and maintain their friendship even after your move to your first ministry assignment. Try joining a "Pastor's Wives" group at your seminary, connect with other pastor's wives over some internet tool such as "Facebook" or seek counsel with this forum. But there's no substitute for that person, preferably not in your first church, who you can talk to - maybe a new neighbor to share some coffee with. Ask God NOW for that friend(s).

But Now is the time to have a frank discussion with your husband - for your family's health. I know of one friend who went to seminary and after he graduated his wife told him adamently that she didn't want to be a pastor's wife; he listened to her and now enjoys a happy marriage and rewarding career and has no regrets. Remember, when God calls a pastor, he calls his wife also.

 

May our Lord direct and guide your steps as you trust in Him,

 

Concerned Pastor

jowithnoE Community Member
jowithnoE
3 posts since
Jan 1, 2010
Currently Being Moderated
2. Jan 4, 2010 9:26 AM in response to: feeling_lost
Re: Soon to be pastors wife and scared!

Dear Soon-To-Be,

 

I, too, appreciated your post. I can feel and understand your fears, but can I encourage you with a couple of things?

First, seminary is not the same thing as being in vocational ministry. You hold your breath as a family, and wait to come up for air. Not many people have felt super connected when their spouse was in the midst of that intensive training. Once out of the gate, your family needs to sit down together and lay down your family's own ground rules. You cannot afford to leave seminary and think you can continue with that pace, lifestyle, or relational dynamic.

 

Before you can lay down your family's personal sacred boundaries, you need to understand who you are, and who you are not. What exactly do you think it means to be a pastor's wife? I haven't found one yet who truly felt like they fit the "mold" of what a pastor's wife is supposed to be. I have been married to a vocational pastor for 14 of my 17 years of marriage. When we were married, we were both convinced that God had a call on our lives in some capacity... but no matter what we do, I have to remember that I am not first married to a pastor. I am married to my husband. He is a man, and I am called to be that man's wife. God has uniquely equipped me to be HIS wife. I know exactly how to be his wife - what he needs, what he loves, where his weak spots are, where he shines. And I can be a great "HIS wife," no matter what he is doing vocationally, whether he is a plumber or a teacher or a fireman or...or a pastor. I am married to him. He is a pastor. So if I am HIS wife, if I am being the wife that HE (he the person) needs, then I am being a great pastor's wife. I know it sounds simple, but that's really where it has to begin. I am a human. I am a Christian. I am a wife. If I am faithful in these things, I will have the grace for whatever capacity God places my husband's ministry to be expressed. And I have freedom to be whatever kind of "pastor's wife" that I naturally am as my husband's wife.

 

Vocational ministry aside, get away ask yourselves these things: Who are you as a couple? What attracted you to each other? What makes you strong together? What are you good at doing, being, thinking, dreaming together? What re-charges you as a couple? Where have you two gotten lost during the seminary season? What legitimate needs have you both been doing without, during this season of studies? What needs to be re-cultivated in your marriage? What do you need from him? What does he need from you? Then talk about your son. Who is he? What are his emotional, mental and spiritual needs from each (and both) of you? How do you want to see him develop as a young man? What do you want his concept of personal and family identity to be? What personal values do you each want to model for him? How will you both get/keep the connection to him?  Write these things down. Start there, and make a commitment to God that you will let nothing  - no church, no polity regulation, no parishioner's expectations - break down the sacred place that you have in each other's lives. Now you need to proactively commit to schedule regular vacations and brief getaways (that get you out of church a few Sundays a year!), and in these times your family needs to completely detach from your ministry roles and just be a human Christian family. Don't forget that this is who you are first. Nothing healthy can come if you think God is calling you to stop being healthy, whole, real people with a real marriage and at least a small handful of real friendships.

 

The qualifications for being an elder/pastor's wife in scripture have more to do with these relational dynamics: being united with your husband, being given to hospitality, being a good mom, and being in healthy relationships with others. Basically, be yourself, just fully surrendered to Jesus. Just be an example. Love Jesus. Love your husband the way only you can. Love your son. And open your home to others who need to see for themselves that it really is that simple. Within the context of simply being a faithful and loving wife to the husband you married, and modeling for others a healthy family that just loves Jesus, isn't being a pastor's wife a little less terrifying? Keep a mutual commitment to honor the sacred place that you have in one another's lives. Commit to regularly assess how you're both doing. Don't try to be somebody you're not. Don't aspire to be the Ideal Pastor's Wife. Be the wife of your husband. Be willing to be the voice of balance in your marriage. You know how to help your husband. You know how to love your son. Stay in love with Jesus, remember who you are, and pursue relationships and balance. You will be just fine!

 

Rooting for you!

 

A Pastor's Wife with No Regrets

kjh Community Member
kjh
1 posts since
Feb 4, 2010
Currently Being Moderated
3. Feb 5, 2010 8:52 AM in response to: feeling_lost
Re: Soon to be pastors wife and scared!

I just checked into this site for the first time-- and I'm glad I did.  I grew up as a pastor's kid, married a youth pastor, and find myself back in seminary with four kids ages 6 and under.  What the other replys had to say were so good.  Seminary has been so different than full-time ministry-- much more demanding on my husband's time (to manage full-time studies and full-time work to keep food on the table) and therefore, much more demanding on our marriage.  The comment I really wanted to share with you most (because the others said so many great things already) was just to emphasize the importance of purposefully getting involved in a network for pastors wives.  Once/If you and your husband decide that TOGETHER you are called to ministry (it won't work if you're not), you will need that network for the rest of your life.  I have created a seminary wives group where I am because I knew this need is so important-- so if you don't have one already started-- just ask a few other wives you know of (even if you're not "friends" with them currently) over for coffee and start there.  If this isn't possible, visit sites like Just Between Us, based out of Milwaukee, WI area, this ministry is dedicated to women in ministry-- but it started just as focusing on pastor's wives.  They have hundreds of resources available which thousands of ministry wives are using for encouragement and support.  There are also retreats and confrences geared just for ministry wives-- find one in your area and GO-- make it a priority because it's worth the investment of time (and money).  Also, the same thing is true for you and your husband.  There are ministries all across the US that allow ministry couples (seminary too) the chance to get away for FREE (Elim Retreat is one name I can think of, there's another that I know of for sure but can't think of the name...google it=).  Use this BEFORE your husband starts his first full-time ministry position to work out all those important quesitons/issues replier #2 brought up.

 

I completely understand where you are coming from.  May God grant you peace TOGETHER as you pray over this very important issue.

More Like This

  • Retrieving data ...