What is the *purpose* of dating? Why do it in the first place?

I would argue that the *purpose* of dating, among Christians in modern Western societies, is to find a spouse. And, as Christian author Joshua Harris prudently points out, you really shouldn't "pursue romance until you're really ready for commitment."

The research shows that the longer a couple is dating, the most likely it is that they engage in sexual activity. Pre-marital dating that lasts two years is difficult enough, as far as retaining one's purity. If your daughter marries young, at 18, and doesn't experience a break-up with this boy, that's seven years of dating. If she were to start dating now, she is setting herself up to either experience a painful break-up (or several break-ups) or to expose herself to increasingly hard-to-resist sexual temptations.

My counsel, then, for what it's worth, is not to allow your daughter to have a boyfriend.

Ah, the magic age~ 16

That's the age we set for our girls to date too, although, I'd like to put it off.............until sometime in their mid-20's-----or 30's

As jer2911 points out, this type of restraint in entering the boyfriend/girlfriend stage, is an unpopular notion in our culture, where young children are exposed early via TV and other venues to the idea of dating- way before it is appropriate (in my opinion!).

With our family, my husband and I are not trying to raise kids who fit into this norm. We are thinking long-term.  My girls are 15 (turning 16 this month!) 12, and 5.  One thing I've always told them is that each family has different "family rules," so there will be differences in what other kids are allowed or not allowed to do. This, we have done since they were little and so they know that we are not going to be easily swayed by some other parent allowing something that we don't. As they get older, we are open to more dialogue about things, but still, some things are non-negotiable.

Parentingwows, to the point of "calling" one another boyfriend/girlfriend- (even though not technically dating) that's not allowed in our family-- but, my girls do have friends who are boys-- and they have since they were small. They are in touch regularly with each other via email, etc. I consider that different than boyfriend/girlfriend, and for us we have decided it is not terminology that will be allowed, as we feel, for us, it is inappropriate.  Because of that, they have all remained good friends without the drama of boyfriend/girlfriend stuff.

I'll share also, something I did with my daughter (the 12 year old) when we went away last summer for our Preparing for Adolescence weekend. I got a ribbon, and cut it about 100 inches long. Each inch was to symbolize a year in her life.  Now, the reason I chose 100 is that my grandfather is 101 right now, and so, I told her that while we don't know how long we'll be on earth, since Great-granddaddy is 101, there's a chance she may live long, too-- 

Anyway, we talked about how loooooooooong that ribbon was. Then I tied a knot about 11 inches in. And I told her that is where she is now. Then we talked about how it sometimes feels like forever until you are considered "grown-up." But then, I tied  knot between 18 and 20 inches.  If you picture that in your mind-- it's not that much farther in the context of 100 inches. I explained to her that the vast number of inches beyond that last knot represents ALL the time she'd spend as an adult.  She understood, at that point, why we feel no need to rush things as she grows up.  We want her to have fun as a tween and then as a teen- and to be clear on the fact that adulthood is just around the corner-- but not here yet

Now, for my teen, the age of 16 is looming. She already knows, however, that her dad will be interviewing any potential date. We got that concept from Dennis Rainey's Interviewing Your Daughter's Date.  Funny, and also a quick and really helpful read. Beware, boys with ill-intent! Also, we try to keep our girls very close. Our family unit is most important to us.  So we use some of the concepts from Home Court Advantage- which also heralds unusual ideas like keeping your kids home more-- rather than having them all involved in 3 sports, 2 clubs and no time to actually be home (another somewhat unpopular notion in our culture)

Finally, I really like the things Ted Slater has written here about his view of dating.  It is really not necessary until young adults are heading for a marriage commitment. A lot of wisdom there!

Hang in there fellow parents!

Laura

FOTF Moderator

Hey--thanks, Ted, for explaining your point of view in more detail. It's obvious that there are a number of ways Christians can approach this subject. 

One of my dearest friends went that route and didn't kiss her intended until their wedding day. It can definitely be one good option, especially if you raise your children with these concepts as part of your family DNA.  In fact, when it comes to dating issues, as you know, we've had Joshua Harris and others on our broadcast and offered books from folks who do not encourage dating. They feel, like you do-- when the time is right and kids are old enough to marry, courtship is the way to go. 

On the other hand, we've had others on who say dating (and particularly group dating -- with no one-on-one connecting) can be useful in helping teens learn about the opposite sex in a non-threatening setting. For me, I'd rather lock them all away until they're 30! Ultimately, God has placed each of us in our children's lives to guide them in this area- and others-- I believe that parents need to prayerfully explore these different views and then make the decision on how their family will approach the question of dating.

Laura

FOTF Moderator