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928 Views 8 Replies Last post: Feb 9, 2010 8:38 PM by lovingwife RSS
mrb2010 Community Member
mrb2010
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Jan 30, 2010
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Feb 1, 2010 5:32 AM

What to do?

I want my marriage to work but I am not sure anymore if it is because of love for him, love of being married or just plain foolishness. he is unfaithful and has been for a while. He lies about it. He does not provide for the family. The only burden that has been lifted from me since being married has been the burden of sex. I am sure that tough love is what I need to implement but I am still a little afraid. I will be making a stand tonight (if he comes home) and I am praying for strength. I need strength because I know that I am not strong when it comes to him. I want things to work so bad that I have allowed him to humiliate me, my self respect is gone and I find it hard to even smile. I have been praying for guidance but I am not sure if I am hearing from the Lord, I think I am to close to discern. I feel like a fool in front of my 3 sons, two of which are grown and sometimes I think I am losing all their respect. I told my husband that I was not going tolerate his disrespecting me by staying out all night and continuing messing around. He is adamant that he is not but his behavior says that he is and I have read text messages from the woman, my son even told me that he saw my husband with the girl driving her car with her riding beside him. I called him on it and he says it was nothing and that I should understand that since he does not have any transportation that she will give him a ride. I realize from reading the book that I am in denial, even now I don't want to believe that he is still cheating on me but I know he is. He is not here and has not called. I was trying to call him but I stopped. I know his pattern you see and eventually he will come home and it will be my fault that he left in the first place. he will be sorry and please don't be mad and etc.... So.... I need strength to follow through and have tough love without resentment and anger.

Tags: marriage, boundaries, infidelity
mrb2010 Community Member
mrb2010
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Jan 30, 2010
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1. Feb 1, 2010 3:07 PM in response to: mrb2010
Re: What to do?
I have been reading a lot of the posts and I am sad to say that I am giving up. Even with tough love, I still feel as if I am the failure. I asked my husband to leave, he has not been home since Sunday Morning, but he keeps calling and cursing me and calling me a dirty female dog. I wanted my marriage to work but how can I continue to love someone who can call me those names and not understand that it is his behavior and infidelity that has brought me to this awful place. Nothing I have  said makes a difference, no change I have made makes a difference. I am so tired of it all. At least we do not have any children together. He blames me for everything, he takes responsibility for nothing. Even my adult son attempted to talk to him and he just went off on me even more. I can't take it anymore. It has been almost 5 years now. Five years of horrible emotional abuse, of cheating, drinking, drug use and he does not and has not contributed financially to the household. I have one 13 y/o at home and he has two children in another state. He even blames me for not being with them even though when I met him they were not with him. I just wish things could work out. And because I feel this way I know that I really need some help. God please help me.
sarahnader Community Member
sarahnader
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Jan 31, 2010
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2. Feb 1, 2010 7:39 PM in response to: mrb2010
Re: What to do?
Girl, you are not alone!  The Lord loves you, knows your pain and meets you where you are.  The Lord is your strength!  He wants to give you "exceedingly abundantly above all that you could ask or think"!  It sounds to me like your husband is a misogynist and is using you!  Forgive yourself for letting yourself (God's valued creation) be abused for so long and most of all Get out now!

 

Message was edited by: Moderator

mrb2010 Community Member
mrb2010
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Jan 30, 2010
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3. Feb 3, 2010 8:58 AM in response to: sarahnader
Re: What to do?

Thank you for the words of encouragement. I am trying and almost agree with you about the hatred of women. I will be seeking Godly counseling because in spite of everything I still want my husband and our marriage. I believe there is something wrong with me psychologically or I would not continue to care for and want someone who can say the most cruel things to me and then want to make love and then go back to the cruelty. I am seeking God for change in me and asking for strength to not contact him or accept his calls. He is still blaming this on my sons, and does not see that it is his infidelity that drove me to make this stand. I agree that it is time for my sons to move on it has been 4 months now. They need to move on, however the infidelity has been going on for over a year.

 

Now that he has moved out, he went to the other woman, all the while telling me it's me he wants but not as long as my sons are in the house.This am he spent 1 hour denigrating them and telling me that if I would tell them they need to get their lives together, he would be working on our marriage. But when I asked him if they left today would he come home today he said no, there was still to much I had to do to help my sons. When I mentioned the other woman, he said he is not with her like that and that he works with her and uses her car sometimes and that it is only in my mind that puts them together otherwise. He actually told me that my son and I were a Jerry Springer show. Anything to hurt me and take the guilt off of him. Which is why I need strength to refuse to accept his calls and to not call or contact him. He is toxic and I am not strong enough to fight by myself, the biggest battle is in my mind. Please pray for me, as I am praying for my self.

SunnyFOTF Focus Employee
SunnyFOTF
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Nov 7, 2008
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4. Feb 3, 2010 1:02 PM in response to: mrb2010
Re: What to do?

Hi mrb2010,

 

I am so sorry for all you're going through. It really sounds like you have a kind, tender heart, and I wish you weren't going through this kind of pain. Please remember, as sarahnader said, that God loves you and is very close to you. You are so precious mrb2010...know that I'm praying for you, asking that God would bring you comfort and strength, and that you would feel His love every day. I also wanted to suggest that you give our counselors a call. This is just too much to handle alone, and I think they'd be a great help. Dealing with infidelity, along with the other things you mentioned, is hard. We want to help in any way we can. Please let us know how you're doing, and how we can be praying for you. You're in our thoughts and prayers...

 

Sunny

FOTF Moderator 

sarahnader Community Member
sarahnader
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Jan 31, 2010
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5. Feb 3, 2010 6:53 PM in response to: mrb2010
Re: What to do?

Dear mrb2010,

Let me just say that I don't think it's wrong or odd of you to want your husband or your marraige.  Those are normal natural feelings to have.  I'm sure there are things that are loveable about him.  He can't be all bad or you wouldn't have married him in the first place, right?  But if your husband wanted to work on your marraige he would be working on it and he's not.  Unfortunately, you can't control his actions and no amount of wanting him, calling him, pleading with him or attempting to please him is going to make him change no matter how bad you want it to.  Only when he decides that his behavior is destructive will he do that.  Of course you should never stop praying for him!  God can change man's heart and He could heal your marraige, IF, and only IF, it's His will to do so.  I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that you haven't had the easiest life and that you could probably use some personal healing in addition to your marital healing.  Maybe you should take some time to work on the most vital relationship in your life, the one between you and your Savior.  Nothing heals better than that!

 

With the cheating, drinking and drug use it sounds more like he should be on Jerry Springer!  And on that note if he is doing drugs and getting drunk he is putting you and your child at great risk.  At that point he may not be in control of his actions and who knows what he might do!  I urge you to consider your personal safety and that of your child first.  I really think, if you haven't already, that you should call the counselors here as well.

 

You are a person of value and worth!  If you don't believe me ask the Bible!  Your husband needs to know that!  But if you don't think you deserve his respect and you don't stand up for yourself and say, "I'm not going to tolerate your behavior and you need to respect me," than it's likely that he won't reach that conclusion on his own.  In fact, if you do make a stand you are being a good wife to him by teaching him this valuable life lesson.  We are supposed to love our spouses as Christ loves the church.  And Christ chastises us when we need it and leads us mercifully like a Good Shepherd to the places that we need to be.  He set the example for how we should live.  Sometimes the best thing we can do for others is to be the example for how they should live.  Let go of the rest and let God handle it.  He already has a plan, I promise!

 

I will pray for you.  In fact, I'm gonna pray for you right now.  "Lord Jesus, you know our hurts and you know our hearts.  Help us to see your will and your plan.  Teach us to obey you.  Help us to trust you.  Open our eyes to see your grace.  Pour your love on this woman and her family, Lord.  Help her to see the true love that you have for her.  Show her the path for her life.  Lead her beside still waters.  Deliver her from the forces of the world that seek to harm her because you are greater than them all and you will recieve all the glory.  Help her to reap the harvest that you have promised.  Let her know your presence when the moments of choice that are in front of her arrive.  I pray all this in your Holy and Perfect name, Lord.  Amen."

mrb2010 Community Member
mrb2010
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Jan 30, 2010
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6. Feb 9, 2010 8:17 AM in response to: sarahnader
Re: What to do?

Dear Saranader,

 

You are truly awesome. After I read your prayer for me, I felt the love of God surround me. I am writing to thank you and everyone for the encouragement and for the love. thank you for confirming and reaffirming that I am precious to God. I especially thank God for letting me know that I am His daughter, I am who He says I am.

 

I am separated from my husband.He calls often saying he does not want to live like this. I gave him three things I wanted 1. He has to cut all ties to the other woman. 2. We have to seek Godly counseling and 3.No matter how much money he makes, he has to bring it home and contribute to the household. He said he would do these things, I am not pressuring him, I am going on with my life. I believe that God is using this to build me up and no matter what happens with my marriage, I can and will go on. My sons are currently looking for an apartment they want to move out. Their being here was only temporary from the beginning. My husband used this as an excuse to do what was already in him to do.

 

The Lord sent me a word through my Pastor this Sunday, and I am embracing it- Get control of your mind! Isn't it wonderful to know and remember that I can have the same mind that Christ has and have peace. I am taking things day by day and renewing my committment to God. I can not change my husband but I can change myself.

 

I have spoken to a FOTF counselor once and she did offer insight and prayed for me. I may not know everything but I do know to pray and let go and let God have His way in me and my husband and our entire family. We have a lot to work on.

 

God bless you.

sarahnader Community Member
sarahnader
16 posts since
Jan 31, 2010
Currently Being Moderated
7. Feb 9, 2010 5:38 PM in response to: mrb2010
Re: What to do?
Wow, what a difference.  I can feel your confidence through the computer!  God can and will do amazing things in your life.  I'm so blessed to have been able to encourage you!  Rock on!  ...and keep me posted!
lovingwife Community Member
lovingwife
7 posts since
Feb 8, 2010
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8. Feb 10, 2010 6:32 AM in response to: mrb2010
Re: What to do?

Please check out CelebrateRecovery.com  I found out about it a few months ago. It helps a lot to talk with Christian woman going through the same things you are.

 

I have been down the same road that you are traveling.  Prayer brought me through but first I needed a little space from my husband.  I love my husband too much.  I put him before myself, my son,and  even my God.  My world revolved around him.  My happiness depended on him.  I wanted to keep him at all cost.  Like you I wasn't strong enough to do what I needed to do.  My husband left me.  I lost our home, our business, even our 17 yr old son who moved in with friends that I didn't know so I couldn't even call him, I even had to spend several nights in jail.  I had gotten a speeding ticket but we could never afford to pay it or to renew the tags on my car because he always had something more important to spend our money on, (like his 3 speeding in less than 6 months, keeping his truck registered and in god repair, and paying his bail and lawyer fees when he got arrested).  I lived in my car from July through November and just moved my car from place to place so no one would know.  I had driven to a place the promised to help me but the turned me down and I was crying very hard and ran a red light.  Or  I got pulled over & taken to jail.   While I was in jail my son stole my car and every thing I had even my purse. I broke into our old office and spent several nights there until I got my car back.  Thankfully I didn't get caught there.  I finally got my son to bring my car back by telling that I just needed to get my things out.  I went to the woman's shelter but left to move some of my things to the storage room.  They wouldn't let me back in and they even called the shelters in the neighboring towns and told them that I was lying and trying to get in under false pretenses.  I must have hurt someone's feelings or  insulted them but I don't know how.  I don't know why they treated me so bad. I do know that I was really hurting and really scared and I'm sure I didn't act rationally all the time.  But I know that it couldn't have been too bad because I didn't even know what it was. Anyway I had no where to go, no money except food stamps (thank you God!) and a small check that was just enough to pay the storage bill and have less than $100 left over each month.

I had been through hell for the 15 years with him but I had never had to go through anything like that before.  It was the 2nd time I had lost my home but I had always had a job, friends, and some options.  This time it was all gone.  I had put everything into our company to please my husband and that was gone too. I wanted it to end. I wanted a divorce.. But I didn't believe in divorce.  I had not found a church in the town we had moved to 4 years earlier.  I was too busy worshiping my husband.  So I went to church after church talking to different ministers.  I bought a new Bible (I had lost mine a few years earlier when I couldn't pay the storage bill when I lost the first home).   I prayed night and day.  God would not let me divorce him.  It took months before I could talk to him but I finally called.  We met at his place and talked all night.   I told him that I would only live with him if he agreed to live a Christian life - no drinking- going to church - praying together ect.  That has been about 18 months ago and things are still not perfect but God is with us and it will get better.  At first I didn't see that what I went through was necessary, but it was.  I now know that God is my Lord.  Only with Him can I be happy.  I thank Him for showing me my mistakes and bringing my husband back a better man.   I will pray for you.

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