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377 Views 3 Replies Last post: Feb 8, 2010 1:49 PM by mrspanamami15 RSS
mrspanamami15 Community Member
mrspanamami15
2 posts since
Feb 3, 2010
Currently Being Moderated

Feb 4, 2010 12:05 PM

Intimacy issues

I've been married for almost four years.  We've had our ups and downs but we managed to work them out.  The problem that keeps coming up is my husband's issue with lust.  He has a problem with looking at pornography and talking to women online through chatlines.  I've caught him on several occasions and he says it's the last time but that's never happened.  Now I'm at the end of my rope.

We have a daughter and another child on the way and the drama has started again.  I recently found him looking at pornography.  I didn't confront him face to face but instead printed out the list of sites that he's visited.  (If I confromt him, he'll just shut down and won't talk to me).  In the last two weeks we've had sex once.  I'm always available but he chooses to look at pornography.  To be honest, I don't enjoy having intimacy with him.  All I can think about is that he's looked at those disgusting images.  Besides my mind going in a million different directions, he tries to do all the these different things that we've never done before.  I'm all for trying new things in the confines of a marriage but he makes me feel uncomfortable.

We have a date night coming up this Friday and I don't know how we'll get through it seeing that we're not really speaking to each other.  Am I wrong for not wanting to be intimate with him?  I thought that if I was always 'ready and willing' he would be satisfied but it's not working.  I don't know what to do.

Tags: intimiacy, marriage;, pornography
jellybeans Community Member
jellybeans
63 posts since
Feb 22, 2009
Currently Being Moderated
1. Feb 4, 2010 1:00 PM in response to: mrspanamami15
Re: Intimacy issues

First off, know you are not alone in this.  I believe the problem is very common.  I'm experiencing it in my new marriage as well.  The devil hits us where we're weak, and for men, that is frequently in the sexual arena.  Your husband probably shuts down because he feels helpless and embarassed about this. 

 

His desire to look at porn has NOTHING to do with you, but you can be highly instrumental in helping him gain the victory.  Ask God to help you see your husband through his eyes.  If one of your kids was caught up in something, you'd love them no matter how hurt you were by what they were doing.  Continue to be available to your husband and be willing to try new things with him so long as they don't make you uncomfortable.  I know you don't feel like it and probably even feel used.  But do it.  You have to know this is hard for him too (maybe more so), and the one person he should be leaning on (you) is the last person he wants to lean on.  Be there for him.  Pray the pants off that man!

 

I highly recommend you find a Christian counselor (contact Focus for this).  Go see the counselor alone and then invite your husband.  Whether or not he's willing to participate, it is important that you get the help you need in order to help him.

 

Enjoy your date night.  Celebrate the fact that you have a husband, a child, another one on the way, and a God that loves you more than you could possibly imagine.

ErikaFOTF Focus Employee
ErikaFOTF
185 posts since
Mar 19, 2009
Currently Being Moderated
2. Feb 8, 2010 12:47 PM in response to: mrspanamami15
Re: Intimacy issues

Hi mrspanamami15, and welcome to the Focus Marriage Community!

 

Thank you so much for sharing about the deeply personal intimacy issues you are experiencing in your marriage, and congratulations on the precious baby you are carrying!  How did your date night go on Friday night?  I really appreciate the advice that jellybeans had to offer, and she's right, this is an extremely common issue.  I say this not in an effort to downplay your very real and understandable pain, but to encourage you in the fact that you are not alone, as is demonstrated by the threads here, here, and here.  Pornography addiction is very real, and I encourage you to seek the help of a counselor who is trained in this area; our counselors can provide you with some local referrals, as well as give you some immediate advice and encouragement. 

 

It is important to understand that this type of addiction can rarely be fought with sheer will-power, which is why you continually catch your husband slipping even though he repeatedly promises it will be the last time.  Because of this, he really needs some outside help and support to overcome these temptations.  It would also be extremely helpful for him to find another strong, Christian man or pastor to be accountable to, as it is difficult for the wife to fulfill this role.  Is there someone like that he could talk with now?  If not, there's a ministry that's hosted by many churches called Celebrate Recovery.  Among other issues, they help with recovery from pornography addiction.  It may be worth looking into.  You may also want to consider adding an Internet Filter to your computers in an effort to provide your husband with accountability and decrease his temptation in this area - there are even filters available for mobile devices, such as the iPhone and iTouch.

 

We have a number of helpful resources available on this subject:  "Nothing to Hide" and Breaking Free are two, in particular, that you may want to look into.  In the meantime, be assured that I will be lifting you, your husband, and your two precious children before the Lord in prayer, asking Him to mightily work in your marriage and turn this situation around for His glory.  May you be assured of His faithfulness in the days ahead. 

 

Erika

FOTF Moderator

mrspanamami15 Community Member
mrspanamami15
2 posts since
Feb 3, 2010
Currently Being Moderated
3. Feb 8, 2010 2:00 PM in response to: ErikaFOTF
Re: Intimacy issues

Thank you all for the wonderful advice and the prayers.  Our date night went well.  We enjoyed a nice quiet dinner and were able to talk about the daily things that we don't get to tell one another during the week.  Everything has been going fine so far.  We had a busy weekend being the superbowl and all and he didn't have a chance to get on the internet.  Of course its Monday and thats a different story.  I have downloaded a filter.  I tested it out and once you click on the link the blocked page pops up.  At least in that aspect I have peace.  I'll continue to pray that God give me peace; true genuine peace.  I know eventually he will deploy or go off for training and he won't be under my watchful eye.  I pray that those moments that he is away that the Holy Spirit surround him and bring a holy conviction to him.  Of course I want him to change in ways that will are conforting to me but I know that God Almighty can change him in ways that I could never imagine.  God gave me a word of promise about 2 years ago and I'm holding on to that promise.

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