I am in desperate need of prayer and encouragement. I've been married for about 20 months, and it's been a disaster from the start. A lot of bad things have happened: job loss, accusations of infedelity, financial problems, even our house was burglarized. There has been so much pressure on us, that I'm at the breaking point.

During all of this, my husband has been diagnosed with adult ADD, and he now believes (I agree) that he may be suffering from PTSD as he used to be in law enforcement and saw some pretty horrific things. The fact that he is suffering from both of these illnesses makes it near impossible to talk to him. We are not living together currently, as his job has assigned him to a project a 100 miles away from where we were living. Due to the ADD and the accompanying time management issues, he cannot commute back and forth. I might be able to see him once a week. Sometimes I will go and stay with my parents (who live near his jobsite) and I still won't see him. It's hurtful and embarrassing. The separation only adds fuel to the fire. Additionally, he decided to find his birth mother last year (he was adopted at birth), and while she is a wonderful woman, their reunion has opened up many wounds.

I am suffering from my inability to trust him. He has made a lot of bad decisions, namely putting himself into the position of being accused of adultery, and mismanaging our money. I have little or no trust in him now. I constantly wonder what he is up as we will go hours in between phone calls or texts. I don't feel like he has any accoutability. After losing his job, he bascially stopped going to church and hanging out with the few Christian friends he maintained. He resents me because I have to pay the bills...he says that it negates his authority in our marriage. But because he can't control his spending or pay his bills on time, I don't feel like I can turn the finances over to him. I don't know what to do anymore.

I've become an emotional wreck. Even though I am on anti-depressants, I still struggle some days. I feel like all of my hopes and dreams have been dashed, and that I am stuck in a marriage that will bring me nothing but grief and heartache. I don't want a divorce....my parents divorced when I was a child, and I swore that I would not go down the same path. But I hurt so much. I'm so fragmented...I feel lost. I can't feel God anymore...I go to church and end up crying all day because I don't feel like He cares anymore. I pray, and pray, and pray, and nothing.

I was in Christian counseling for a while, but had to stop at the beginning of the New Year because I couldn't afford the sessions with my deductible unmet. When I was in counseling, my husband went maybe three times over several months before his hectic schedule made it impossible for him to continue. He was supposed to go to counseling with his birth mother, and then piggy back that into some counseling for his PTSD, but that never happened. He seems to be content with the way things are.

If I bring up our problems or how unhappy I am, he flies into a rage. I've begun to wonder if he's subconsciously sabotaging our marriage. He has abandonment and rejection issues, as well as carrying around a lot of guilt. His self-worth is non-existent. I think he's resigned himself to the fact that we will split up, and is just waiting for it to come. Before I was in counseling, I did threaten divorce. I was so upset and sad and angry...but after seeking counseling I calmed down, and made a promise to not bring it up again. He threatened to walk out twice now, and each time, I've cried and screamed at him to not go. But deep down, I fear every single day that I will be miserable for the rest of my life: that he will never love me the way that he did in those first few months of dating, that I will never be a mother because bringing children into our marriage isn't right, that he's secretly done or is doing bad things that will tip me over the edge.

I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I just don't know what to do. I want a little bit of happiness...or at least some peace with the way things are. But all I see are a succession of years...years filled with more fighting, bitterness, hurt... I don't want that, but I don't know what to do anymore. My life has gone from being relatively happy, to being lonely, sad, and scared. How do I stop it all? I just don't understand what God is doing...what have I done to cause all of this? The idea that I have to continue to walk in this for who knows how long makes me want to give-up. I keep asking God for intervention, for some little spark of hope, but there's nothing. Just silence and a whole lot of pent up emotions that make me feel like I'm going crazy.