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820 Views 4 Replies Last post: Feb 13, 2010 4:13 AM by pattik RSS
pattik Community Member
pattik
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Feb 8, 2010
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Feb 8, 2010 11:07 AM

Filing for seperation

My husband and I have been married for 36 years.  In the past 10 many changes have happened both physically and emotionally.  Our children are all married and moved out and serving God.  While we were in our mid-forties, my husband lost his job at a factory and he went back to college and got a bachlors degree in education.  He got a new job with a non-profit agency which he's been with for 15 years now.  Around 2001 I began to notice some not so pleasant changes in him and found him downloading questionable videos, getting subscriptions to questionable magazines and a web site called "backflip" in which people can bookmark websites that just show on their personal account.  Some of these websites were of pornographic content.  At this time also he began to have problems with high bloodpressure medication which caused E.D. but as much as I tried to assure him that things were ok with that, he began to obsess about it.  I became extreamly alarmed and confronted him.  At first he said that it was just curosity (about the porn) and apologized.  Then I began noticing some behavior changes in his attitued toward me, God and himself.  He started questioning a lot of things he was sure of just 5 years prior and it has been a steady downhill spirial as he continues to delve into more of a justification of his behavior and being flippant about his relationship with God or me.  He says he's not perfect and never will be.  We've been to several marriage counselors in the past 5 years.  One of the counselors said that he is just a more funloving guy and that I am more sever.  I believe this counsel has done more damage to our relationship than anything else.  I've personally been in counseling for the past 10 years being treated for depression.  He had made a promise to not get certain magazines but instead, I found he got the internet version.  He has continued on a path of lies and deception to date.  One day, I was sick with the flu and hadn't gotten much sleep.  He came home and I wanted to resume our discussion about why he had gone to the gym in a sever snow storm and said he was coming back after a 20 min workout but never came back until 3 hours later (the gym was only 3 miles from home.  This was a Saturday afternoon with no traffic on the road) especially when he had given the pastor/counselor his word that he was going to curtail his over commitment to workouts at the gym to 3 - 4 days a week for 1 and 1/2 hours.  When he responded with a flippant answer of, "We'll just have to see about that." I became enraged, went over to him and began to hit him in his upper arm while he was sitting on the couch.  I then tried to pin him down from getting up with my arm across his upper chest.  As he struggled to get up my forarm went higher toward his scapular and he thought I was choaking him.  I got scared and as I was getting up he pushed me down and went into the bedroom and called the police.  They came and I ended up going to the hospital emergency room to have an evaluation.  The on staff psychiatrist said that I needed to get out of the relationship.  The police told my husband to get out of the realtionship.  Throughout the past 10 years he has been physically abusive to me on a few occasions but mostly mentally and emotionally.  This was the second time that I had hit him.  The first time was when he had called me a witch and was being emotionally abusive about a month before.  I initially filed for divorce in Sept but then changed it to Marital Seperation in hopes that maybe someday something can work out.  I keep hoping for a miricle and that this mess can be healed.  All the times previous, I've been the one to initiate counseling...every time.  He's never moved out of the house and won't unless a Judge orders him too.  He's been going to clubs, dancing and drinking and is going to Florida by himself for two weeks next month.  I mostly live in my locked bedroom since September and try to stay out of his way.  I recently just initiated one more try at reconcilliation by going to another pastor for counseling in which my husband went and when the pastor said that he didn't think now was a good time for him to be going on a vacation by himself and perhaps a compromise can be worked out, my husband was staunch in his stand of going by himself because of the stress.  I feel he has been unfaithful emotionally and I am devalued beyond measure at this point.  He also wants to stay in the relationship for the financial aspect.  My question is, should I continue with the seperation or continue to go through the motions of reconcilliation in which I continue to feel devalued and abused as well as getting my hopes up just to be let down again?   
Tags: abuse, separation, reconciliation
SS2010 Community Member
SS2010
150 posts since
Sep 12, 2008
Currently Being Moderated
1. Feb 9, 2010 12:12 PM in response to: pattik
Re: Filing for seperation

pattik~

 

I am so sorry that you are going through this in your marriage.  I  also have a long tern marriage (27 yrs) and have watched my marriage slowly destruct over the past few years. My husband and I are separated now and he is living with the "other woman".  I also stayed in a unhealthy marriage that was esteem draining and full of strife.  The enemy is the author of this strife and uses it to pull us away from our loved ones and our Savior at the same time telling the one drifting away that they deserve" to be happy and do what THEY want to do.  This deceiving and marriage killing liar, is at work in many of our marriages.

I have found out that I could do nothing to change my husband so I decided to work on me.  I drew closer to my Savior and have found myself as God sees me.  I actually like me now as before I felt worthless and not "good" enough for my husband.  Instead of anger toward my husband I now have compassion.  I know it is God working in me. My husbands behavior has not changed but my heart has.    I suggest Love Must be Tough. It deals with adultery mostly but really your husband is lusting for women through his porn and so I believe this is adulterous behavior .I had already had asked my husband to leave before I read the book. I was worried that I pushed my husband into the arms of his mistress, but now I realize he was already there . I believe it was what God wanted  otherwise it wouldn't have happened. I also told my husband I wanted to work on our marriage and our problems and have him come home.  I have been trusting God to get me to where He wants me to be.  I wanted to "help" God in the beginning but always made things worse. It has been a scary journey but one He wanted me to take. .  I still believe He wants my marriage to be restored although my circumstances have actually gotten worse over the past months. I have walked closely with my Savior through these turbulent times.  He has told me things like..."your husband needs to go on this path alone. You cannot go with him."  "  He knows Me, but he is not with Me."  He also told me to "put my hope in Him not in my husband"  and for me to " just Love" my husband during this time.  It has taken me many months of prayer and time in The Word to get to the place where I can do these things most of the time.  I still do struggle occasionally when my husbands actions are hurtful.  I do not feel anger as much as sadness for this situation.  I have faith though that the Lord can change my circumstances at anytime he chooses so I continue to grow in my relationship with Him .Seeing the face of God has been the true blessing in all of this.  I love Him even more that I did before this mess in my life.   My Savior changed me and helped me to do this.

All I can say is listen for God voice speaking to you. Pray for a word.  I found out it is hard to hear God's voice if our emotions and feelings are chaotic. Be still and calm when you pray.  Also continue with your counseling and talk to one of the counselors here at Focus on the Family.  They will refer you to a counselor that they have screened carefully. They can recommend one that is focused on some of the issues you are facing.

I will keep you in my prayers~~ God Bless, Chipfishing

CarolynFOTF Focus Employee
CarolynFOTF
185 posts since
Jun 23, 2009
Currently Being Moderated
2. Feb 9, 2010 3:17 PM in response to: pattik
Re: Filing for seperation

Dear pattik,

 

How I wish I could just reach through this computer screen and give you a hug.  It sounds like you could really use one.  Know that I am hugging you in spirit and will be lifting you up in prayer.  May the Lord make His presence known to you in a very real way and comfort you with His Spirit of peace.

 

I want to echo chipfishing's advice on the book (summarized here, along with more help here), speaking with our staff counselors, and pursuing your relationship with God.  All excellent suggestions...I couldn't have said it better myself.  I hope these tools will help you decide which direction God is leading you in with regard to your separation.

 

And, I hope you'll be encouraged to know that I'm adding you to our ministry's prayer list.  Prayer is our mightiest weapon, after all, and the Lord delights in answering our prayers.  Stay in touch, and let us know how you're doing.  The Lord bless you and keep you, pattik!

 

More hugs,

Carolyn

FOTF Moderator

pattik Community Member
pattik
3 posts since
Feb 8, 2010
Currently Being Moderated
3. Feb 13, 2010 8:09 AM in response to: CarolynFOTF
Re: Filing for seperation
Thank you Carolyn for your tender response.  It still feels like a hurricane has blown everything apart but the initial devastation has settled somewhat and piece by piece, with God's help it's coming back together again, at least in my mind and heart.  I am very thankful for all the support that I've been given and I'm checking into a support group in my area to help me navigate the coming months/years.  Thank you for your prayers and I will try to be a help as well, where I can.  Hugs and God bless.
pattik Community Member
pattik
3 posts since
Feb 8, 2010
Currently Being Moderated
4. Feb 13, 2010 8:09 AM in response to: SS2010
Re: Filing for seperation
Thank you so much Chipfishing for your insightful and kind response and especially your prayers.  I am so thankful for finding this blog and website with so much information and encouragement, I feel like I am very supported and I'd like to give back as well, when the time comes.  God bless you for your understanding and kindness.  Hugs to you as well.

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