I will come out and be as straight forward as possible with this because honestly...its tiring not to be.
My wife and I have been separated for a few months now. In November, I told her I had kissed another woman (to make matters worse it was my good friend's wife and we did more than kiss). In September is when I started talking to this other woman. We had always kind of clicked and it all started really just talking over the internet and grew from there. In December the other woman ended up telling her husband that we did more than just kiss. He in turn told my wife. She asked me to move out of the house on I think the 23rd of December and I we have been separated ever since.
Throughout the whole deal I had not been honest about things. I emailed the other woman a few times, which got found out, by her husband who said that if I tried to contact her again that he would file a restraining order against me. I'm not a stalker and havent done anything like that, but naturally he doesnt want me in communication with her. I get that...totally. Like I said he was one of my good friends and I destroyed that relationship.
During my relationship with the other woman she expressed a lot of things about her marriage and how she never thought she should have been married to him. I was struggling with feeling in love with my wife and so we were just in similar spots and it just happened. We talked almost everyday and saw each other a few times a week. Some during the work week and some on couple dates with our spouses there. I dont know why it all happened, but I just felt she "got me." She got my humor and really built up my self-esteem. She told me how she wanted to marry me and have a child with me. She told me what living together would look like in all aspects. How I was everything she was looking for in a guy. Naturally, this played huge on my mind and only further disconnected me from my wife.
I havent spoken to the other woman in over a month now and I assume she is trying to work out her marriage. I on the other hand am a train wreck mentally. I am on some depression medication. My thought life is terrible. I deal with all these thoughts on a daily basis: hating God, not believing God is real, pleading for God to help me, anger towards the other woman and how she could do this to me after all she said, anger at myself, shame, pride, pity, undeserving of a joyful life, no light at the end of the tunnel, feeling completely lost, wondering why my wife even wants to try (why does she even think I am worth it? She has her "out" now as a lot of her friends now tell her). I experience fear because what if we work on things and then I feel this way again or what if I fell into temptation again. I never thought I would do it in the first place, but its frightening to see how easily it all happened. We have a daughter that is almost 2 yrs old and she has every bit of my heart. I only see her every now and again and it pains my heart. I am also plagued with thoughts of how awful a person I am and how my daughter deserves a much better father than someone like myself who could do this. She is absolutely amazing. Even as I write this my eyes well up with tears.
Along with all of this...I have been at a job I dislike now for over a year. Its a small company and the owner who is there has maybe talked to me 6-7 times (rarely says hi when he passes me, never asks how things are going, and never does anything to show appreciation). I know that in light of everything else this is trivial, but guys find significance if their jobs a lot.
On top of this my father has decided (backed off it more lately cause I went off on him a little) that he was tired of not being able to voice his opinion on the situation I was going through and that sooner or later I would have to talk to them and they would be no longer silent. He has always been controlling and micro-managing of me and thats is why I have grown distant from him. But honestly, how is now the right time for him to add this to my plate. Most days it takes all I have to wake up and go to work and just survive the day. Just to survive it takes everything.
I've been living at my sisters house now and they have told me that I will need to move out in the next week or two and go somewhere else. They think they hinder me and that I need to figure stuff out on my own. I dont have the funds to really live somewhere else, so I'm hoping a friend from church can help me out for a bit.
Ok - this is enough for now, so I'll leave it with this. Most days I feel hopeless and lost. I struggle to believe that I will be ok in the end, regardless of what happens. I struggle with knowing who I am, what I believe, and how to fix any of this. Like several other people I dont know where I stand in my beliefs about God. Sometimes I feel like I just dont care, that living a life free of the concerns of God is much easier. How do I move forward in any direction? I'm just lost and I know my wife is losing the strength and the patience to "stand" and wait as I try and figure my screwed up self out.
I know this is a novel...sorry.
