The good news is that we are always discussing things.  But here is my situation.  My husband is a kind, caring man. He has no children of his own. I have two, ages 9 and 11, from a former non-marriage relationship.  The natural father is uninvolved and we are in the process of having my husband adopt them.  He has signed off his rights and my husband is so amazing to put himself in that position and I know he loves them. 

I also have a stepmother who tells me it is very different to have stepchildren and your own children, and that she was all about rules and regulations before she had her own children and understood the parental love. I feel as though my husband, as much as I know he must love and care for them, is so concerned about all respect all the time. He gets mad when they argue between themselves, when they carry on, when they don't behave perfect.  He gets mad at me if I say "they ARE children". I am trying to let him be the leader of our home, but in the process I gave too many of my ideals over to his strict rules.  Now I'm trying to reign him in to something more reasonable and it is very hard.  Honestly, the kids are very well behaved when compared to many other children their age, with exception to my son's condition of ADHD. 

I just want to know if anybody  has experience on how to help him see how damaging this is to his relationship with the kids.  He does have good moments with them, but often at important times, he makes everything out to be a huge deal. For example, he will get mad in the morning at my son for having difficulty staying on task or get out of bed, which sets a terrible mood on the household and my son at the very first start of the day.  He just can't let a little this or that go.  Granted, I have been known to let things go that perhaps I should not have. I have worked hard to come up to his standards, but of course I do try to do it in a more encouraging way.  I'll say to a child, "I know you can do better than this, you can do it." and he wonders why I get better results than he does with them.

I just don't know what to do to make him see that if he had a stronger relationship they would WANT to do things to please him instead of doing them to avoid getting into trouble. That won't work when my son is bigger than my husband.  The time is coming and I know it. 

Thank you everybody for your help!