Please Help!  I have been married to the first man I ever dated.  We have been together for 20+ years and have 3 young children.  Life has always been a struggle, but with the birth of my first child, my husband started having panic attacks.  My hopes of being a stay at home mom were shattered as I had to financially support our family.  He bounced from one entrepreneurial venture to another and he began drinking heavily.  Over the past 13 years, I have endured the heavy drinking, times of internet pornography, one financial disaster after another and managed to keep things together.  My husband knows the Lord, but does not have a strong relationship anymore.  He loves his children and they love him.  However, I am no longer able to deal with the emotional roller coaster brought on by the drinking and the depletion of all our finances.  He has not had a steady income for over 13 years and does projects that seem to cost us money.  Many days he spends them in bed depressed and then emerges with the attitude of life as usual.  Or, after a day of drinking, he comes home and plays war games on the internet or blasts music.  He is very jovial with the kids with liguor on his breath which makes me ill.  He drinks because that is how he medicates his mental issues - he says it is better than the drugs the doctors prescribes that make him a zombie.

I find myself on a daily basis very sad and lonely.  I am his only lifeline and feel completely abused and trampled on.  I am tired and alone and don't want this life any more.  Is it too much to expect that your spouse contribute to the financial well being of his family in some way?  Is it too much to ask that your spouse not spend the last cent in the account on alcohol?  Is it too much to ask that you have joy and happiness in your life and feel love?  My husband is good with the "words" of affection but by his actions, the words are empty.  We have endured numerous hospital visits, ER visits and tried different medications for his alcohol issues.  His new "friends" are pot smoking individuals who live on welfare.  They have no responsibilities and live off the "system".  I was raised to work hard and have high moral standards but I live 2 lives.  The one I pretend to have in front of my friends, church, etc. and the one I truly live.  I have held to my vows but find myself wanting to stray.  I am very independent and strong willed and a "control freak" as he calls it.  He often blames me that I don't "let him" take care of me.  When you deplete the account with charges to the liquor store, what faith can I have that you will provide for me?  I work in an environment with a great deal of wealth and am surrounded by male role models that care for their wives and their families.  I am the "odd one" - I am both the husband and the wife.

We have been to some counseling.  He just doesn't see the seriousness of what this is doing to me and to our marriage.  I have lost the love I once had.  I know the bible is clear on marriage and I have tried all these years to remain faithful.  Does God intend for me to continue enabling him to treat me this way?  Is this the proper role model for my son?  What do I do when he can't support me, let alone himself?  He has no income, no full time employment and no financial means to take care of himself.  He relies on me for everything - the bills, groceries, caring for the kids, working full time, etc.  What does tough love look like?  How do I ask the father of my children to leave when there is no place for him to go?  I am longing for some peace and to have someone in my life willing to be the husband that the bible speaks of.  I don't know if my husband can ever be that man, now.  I have prayed for God to take this problem and for His Will to be done.  I just don't know now how much longer I can continue to enable the status quo.  I ask for your prayers and for your advice.