Everyone,

I was feeling pretty good these past couple of days.  Should be a sure warning shouldn't it?  Thinking that he is truly changing.  Seeing the way he is reading and re-reading Shattered Vows, the late night discussions, and him trying to tell the truth about most things.  He still can't remember dates, times, and even what year some things occurred.  He doesn't understand that that alone makes me crazy.  He thinks since he told the truth it shouldn't matter about the dates but it drives me crazy.  I think how can you not remember the season/year when you were destroying our lives.  It does make a difference to me if it was 2 years ago, last year or early this year.  It seems a bit convenient to not remember the times you are checking into a hotel room with another woman, especially if it only happened twice....

Anyway, I had about decided to just have the house and vehicles transferred to me and to forego the postnuptial since we have so many expenses coming up and he has been making so much progress and trying to make me feel loved by reiterating over and over that I am the only one he loves and he will never participate in any of this behaviour again.  He is committed to complete recovery and will stay in the SA program for life if he has to.   Things were definitely feeling better. Not to say that I don't have flashes of pain, anger and even whole days of turmoil.

He headed out today for a 3 day camping trip with my daughter and I couldn't sleep.  They got up at 4:00 a.m. and left.  Anyway, when I was checking his e-mail (yes I am still checking.  I think while I can't control his behaviour, occasional checks are good ideas), I found an e-mail received this week from a woman that he was pursuing back in April.  She never responded then and her note this week was a general broadcast to all on her e-mail list (nothing to him personally).  It was just an update on what she is doing.  However, he did NOT mention receiving and reading the e-mail.  He definitely read the e-mail and then deleted it.  I don't know why he didn't just tell me.  We have been over and over this ground in counseling.  He is supposed to be honest even if there is some residual pain and anger fallout.  If he had just told me, I would have felt ten times better about it but instead I feel like he is still hiding things.  Why can't he just be honest with me?  If there is nothing there, then be honest, up front and send her a reply in my presence to remove him from her e-mail.  I am sure if I confront him about it, he will say he didn't want to hurt me....blah, blah, blah.

I haven't decided whether to bring it up in counseling or not on Tuesday.  I don't think I want to bring it up at home this time.  What do you think?

Also, has anyone used one of those spyware companies that records every keystroke on a computer? I am thinking about spending the money to load it on his computer but don't know if it would work since it is a corporate computer and has lots of protection.

I do think in light of this recent discovery, I should probably move ahead with the post nuptial agreement. Any thoughts out there?  I am thinking that it is so easy for him to be contacted, contact others, and I may never know what is going on...I keep praying for exposure all the time and believe that God is constantly bringing everything to light.  I meet with my counselor today but our visit is short and there is so much to update her on since the last visit...his confession of another short sexual affair, my confrontation with that woman, and the subsequent fallout, the anger, and now the move to place all our assets in my name.

any thoughts out there?

I do know that I am moving forward with God and while sometimes I still am angry that he allowed me to be deceived for so long, I am working towards giving him all that anger and bitterness.  I am also trying to forgive the things of the past and not keep dwelling on them.  I know I am hypersensitive to all of this but even this little general e-mail has thrown me into another vortex of grief.  I truly believe IF he had just shown it to me and responded to never contact him again, I would have been much better off.

bleedingout

Thank you very much for the spyware information.  I will look into it.  I have been mulling it over for a while now.

I spoke with my counselor today and she and I processed through it that it doesn't seem that he was trying to pursue anything and was basically stopping any further e-mails from this source BUT it was an action that produces another tear in the trust that we are trying to rebuild, just like when he deleted the number of his former partner from the phone and lied about it.  It was also a blown opportunity to rebuild some of that trust.  All he had to do was show it to me and then mark it.  She said we are fighting through a tunnel of chaos and pain and he keeps taking the side steps out of it.  It is avoidance of further discussion, pain, and possible anger and he would rather just take the easy way out.  That has been the problem all along.

He sidestepped into sexual sin as a way of taking the easy road. Instead of transparency of the stress, pain, and conflict he was under, he turned to self medication of masturbation and eventually affairs.  It was a way to satisfy his need without the intimacy a real relationship requires.  It drove a wedge between us where we weren't really communicating on an intimate level as he had to hide more and more of himself over the years.  It basically boils down to selfishness. Unfortunately, he had/has a great opportunity to begin to rebuild some of that trust (and believe me it is going to take a lot of rebuilding) but he chose the easy way again and it just destroys instead of rebuilding.  I am hoping that he will offer up this disclosure before we go to marriage counseling this week, but I am not expecting anything.

She has suggested that I take the lead in our joint counseling by telling what steps he is taking and then to confront the steps that are lacking.  For example, the counselor suggested he get the log of his cell phone calls each month and show them to me since the bill just has total minutes.  He has not done this to date and I am sure he will say I haven't asked for it. She said he needs to understand that I shouldn't have to ask.  It is part of rebuilding trust.  he should just get it each month and give it to me. Eventually, I wouldn't feel the need to check it if this action was automatic.

She thinks I am still operating in a fearful zone.  She is right.  I keep thinking that I have no idea who or what he IMs, the e-mails that are deleted, or phone calls that are deleted from the phone.  I know what it is like to trust someone totally and have it not be deserved and my face slammed into it. My intuition was not totally off.  I knew we didn't have the relationship I wanted but I never guessed the underlying problem or the severity of it.  Of course I am scared.  He carried on an affair for 7 years on and off and can't even remember the details of when these things occurred.  He also met the another woman for sex on 2-5 occasions (maybe more than he is admitting) on his way home from trips and I was none the wiser.  Of course there is fear that he will revert or hide more of these behaviors especially when things are tense around here.

Again,  I thank you for the information.  I have a lot of decisions to make.  IF he came clean when he returned without confrontation, I would feel more secure but I don't expect it to happen.

How are things progressing on your end?

bleedinout

One day and hurting,

I have been thinking of you often during this holiday weekend.  How are things going.  I am concentrating on Romans 8 where God reminds us that nothing can separate us from his love.  I have to keep reminding myself of this.  No depth, height, distance, or trauma can separate us from his love.  He is always there.

Unfortunately, I feel that I have been sort of numb this weekend and not pursuing my relationship with him as I ought.  I am resolving to pick my Bible back up tomorrow and study his word.  I need that daily dose.

My parents came and we had a nice Thanksgiving even if I felt keyed up on the inside.  I don't think they really noticed but I felt like the biggest fake through it.  I didn't tell them.  My brother was also here (he knows some of it).  He didn't let on but I know he definitely was watching me and trying to help if anything felt awkward.  I don't feel much like celebrating Christmas but I am going to remind myself everyday that it is about Christ and nothing else.  Maybe my focus will be where it should have been all these years.

As I decorated the tree, I kept thinking back to the fact that 2 years ago they were hot and heavy with the e-mails.  It robs me of my joy and makes me fear the future.  Sometimes I want to pack the tree back up and send it to the attic but I have to fake my way through it for the kids.  I don't think he understands that.  he thinks we are in a better place.  I will NEVEr think our marriage will be better for his affairs and it makes me angry when people tell me that it can be.   Anyone else feel this way?

bleedingout

leighp4,

In the past I would have said yes, pornography and masturbation are just as bad as an affair b/c you have committed one in your mind with your fantasy partner.  Having been through both, I have to now say, no.  Both are devastating, destructive and SIN but once a person crosses over into a flesh relationship, it tears you apart in a different way.  You know that they have touched someone elses body, been touched by them, responded and you compare yourself all the time and the intimacy you shared with the other persons.

bleedingout

WTRR,

Thank you for that reminder that we are dealing with personal healing.  I realize it when I am in the anger phase that part of my anger is selfish and self-pitying.  I know that God will bring me through but I don't like the methods.  Isn't that my own sin?  I want to control the entire process.  I really want to go back in time and change what has happened and I get stuck there sometimes.  Thank you for your encouragement.

bleedingout