I hear your frustration, but if you get a divorce, will you have anyone who will help you then? You are in a marriage right now, where you have two beautiful children and a husband who loves you...but he just doesn't like to do housework.He's a very normal guy. Give him the housework that he likes to do rather than just expecting him to do what you want him to do. Is that enough to divorce him? NO!

Your marriage is not a partnership, it is a covenant for better or for worse. And right now, you are thinking that your marriage is really "for worse"...that you don't have any help around the house. I'm a single mom, I pay the bills, I clean the house, I have 3 teenagers who do as minimal as they can, and I go to sleep by myself without a warm body close to me every night. Is that what you want after you divorce him? 'Cause that's what you want to ask your husband for.

First of all....count your blessings! Your husband is being your husband...you just need to understand the difference between him and you. There are some good books out there to better understand the differences between male and female and the way each of us tick. Appreciate the fact that he wants to make love to you. Affirm the things that he does do around the house - I assume he saves you a ton of money in child care expenses...he takes care of the twins?? That's a huge thing for a man to do.

Don't give up on your marriage just because your husband doesn't clean while you are at work.I know, your frustration is settling in, but along with it is an attitude that will absolutely kill a marriage. I recommend the book Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian. Great book that teaches you many things about your husband, but the first chapter deals with another person, and person that needs to slow down, take a second look at herself, and realize that his needs must be met as well, and alot of that only comes through prayer.

Second, relax and try to keep your "white glove" away from the house. It may cause you and your family harm. Organize your time where you will have a good time with your family, and a time where you and your husband can pitch in maybe an hour every day, and get some of the house done. Segments of it anyway. Perfectionism will drive that man of yours away, and you really don't want that divorce 'cause you said so yourself.

Ok, I'm being a little high-strung here, but seriously, if you are married, both of you will have to take the word, "selfish" out of your vocabulary, and replace it with the word, "unconditional love". Read over 1 Corinthians 13, and learn how to love your husband and respect him. Also, this book comes to mind, "Love and Respect". That book is a huge help in understanding what the roles of husband and wife are.

Face it, we as women just don't want the clutter around, we want everything in it's place, and if it isn't in it's place, then we go crazy, but we have to remember that those socks can wait, but the marriage will fail if we place our domestic frustrations on our husbands. When we start giving without the complaints, then they will see that kind of change in us. Will be praying for you and your husband and your twins.

Mayflower   

Well, I could tell both of you what it's like to be a single mom, but I know it wouldn't help your emotions towards your husbands. It'd only put you in more torment.

I could tell you what it's like to apply for child support and live off of a shoe string, but you wouldn't find contentment in that.

I could tell you how absolutely fortunate both of you are to have a husband who hasn't cheated on you nor abandoned you, but you wouldn't even dream of your husband doing anything like that.

I could tell you how empty I feel when I have to drive my children a few states over just to meet my ex-husband half way, so they can be with him for a while, yet, that's a scenario for only really ugly divorces, and you wouldn't want to hear the gory details anyway. 

I could tell you to do those things in the house that you do well, including paying the bills and to be proud of the fact that you do those well...instead of your husband, but sometimes we are blinded to those things that God gives us a passion to do, because we feel as though the husband has to do all of those things.

I could tell you that God will indeed give you peace and encouragement in spite of your frustrations and bemoanings if you would only be willing to listen to His Voice...most of the time, when His Voice speaks to us...then we begin the slow and many times painful process of changing the way we look at our husbands and our attitude towards him.

But, many times we don't believe we are in the wrong, and frankly we're not when it comes to chores, etc. Everyone should pull his own load, but many times, we're the only ones hearing ourselves gripe, because our husbands just don't want to be around a contentious wife.

I came from a set of parents who always had to have things in order, the house had to be totally picked up before anyone went to bed, my Dad was retired military, so you know the scenario there, and when I first married, I had it in my mind that I had to be the perfect little housewife as well. It wasn't too long into our marriage, that on Sunday afternoon, my husband met me in the kitchen and said, "Why don't you spend some time with me...those dishes can wait." I took his advice in stride and never really listened to what he had to say, but by golly, I was going to make sure the ship was in shape. My contention with him and the kids was way too much for him and he kept moving further and furrher out, until he was unfaithful to me, and until he did abandon me and the kids.

At that time, I was in the process of looking within my own self for self change and attitude change, yet he felt as though it was too late...he found someone else. Don't let that slip up on you. You be the bigger person to look within yourself to find where you need to change. It's not going to be an over-night thing, but when you change within yourself and really start living by how God wants us to live through His Word, then he'll want to be with you and you'll find contentment with who you are as his wife and where he is as your husband. You won't be asking the question, "Why won't he do anything around here?" but you will be asking the question, "What can I do for my husband that will bring out the best in him?"          

During the separation process, I asked him specifically just what he wanted out of our marriage, and the only thing he said to me was, "Respect". By that time, the other woman had him convinced that both of them had bad marriages and in her mind, there was no other one but him. I only wish 22 years before then, that I had really listened to him and left the dishes alone...they will get done, but not at the expense of a marriage.

Blessings,

Mayflower

Those notices are pretty scary and pretty serious. Can you place them in front of him, and say, "Sweetheart, I know you're working really hard on this studio, but I feel as though we are going to fall off some waterfalls if we don't fix this now. Let's tackle this before we go any further with the studio. I don't want to lose all of this, do you?" Something to that affect.

At this point, I wouldn't attack him for not doing all the domestic things around the house. His issues to provide are glaring enough, rather than go off into other tangents that make bad matters worse. One day at a time here, and ask God to give you wisdom and understanding here.

Will be praying for you,

Mayflower

Dear aredfroginaz,

I'm so sorry to hear about the financial situation you're in and that you feel hopeless.  I know the threat of eviction and car repossession is scary.  Were you able to have a heart-to-heart with your husband, like mayflower suggested?

Another good place to start is talking with one of our licensed Christian counselors.  Given the urgency of the situation, it's better if you give us a call, and a counselor can give you some guidance for those next steps.

Just wanted to offer you that option and let you know that we're praying for you here at Focus.  Your path is certainly not easy, but the Lord will never leave you or forsake you.  Keep looking to Him in the midst of your struggles.  Please give us a call when you can.

Carolyn
FOTF Forum Moderator