One day,

Well the secrets are out.  His affair partner had actually traveled with him on another trip that he had "forgotten" to mention.  Oh yeah, and he had a IM Sex Dialogue partner that spilled into meeting for OS and then in motel rooms.  I can't believe the cheap man I married sprung for hotel rooms for his co-workers.  Apparently, there is no end to the pain I must suffer.  I knew this woman.  She worked with him but was a client of mine.  She is only 4 years younger than my own mother and I had many converstations with her about life while she was hooking up with my husband and sleeping with him.  How incredibly depraved they are and how stupid I must be.

What is the line that I can just walk away.  Why is God holding me here?  I want to confront her face to face and he says he will support me but I doubt that will happen.

I want to go tonight but he would rather I talk to her when her family is not around.  At work.

Pray for me.

Yesterday, when he told me I had compassion.  Now I just  have rage and woundedness.  I feel like I am as dangerous as a wounded animal.

bleedingout

One day,

I thank you for your prayers.  I can hardly believe that only a few days have passed since I posted that mesage.  On Monday, I drove to her workplace alone.  She wasn't there so I went to her house.  (Her being the second affair woman.  I have known her for 7 years, she was my client for two of them).  She was home and knew instantly why I was there.  She came just outside her door and I calmly told her I knew and thought we should talk it out.  She began to throw him under the bus.  All I could think as I stood there is that this is pathetic.  This is the person that you risked our lives for?  She is old, rough, and doesn't even care enough about you or her own family.  Here she stands throwing you completely into the fire.  She let me know that he had had numerous women but could not give me any names.  He hounded her for sex until she was just worn down.  Then when I told her I knew that they had been together on two occasions, she told me NO she had never "really" been with him.  It was just cybersex.  So I told her the names of the hotels and she began to ask me why I was hurting her?  How could I hurt her or her family in this way?  What Kind of friend was I?  I continued to speak calmly and kindly, telling her that I wanted her to be treated with the respect I would have wanted her to show me.  I was only interested in allowing her that courtesy and that she needed to tell her husband before I did.  She sputtered on about how unfair I was but I just wished her well and left.

On the way home, I felt great.  For the first time I realized that this isn't about me and my shortcomings, unattractiveness, and worthlessness.  Obviously, he really is SICK!.  I felt freer than I have felt in 2 1/2 months.  I found myself freely praising God and feeling the lifting of a huge burden.

Well, that ended when I walked into the door.  Her husband had called our house while I was gone and only my daughter was home.  I called him back and he had a lot of questions and told me he had already thrown her out.  I felt totally devastated.  I did not want their pain on my conscience and it was too late.  I tried to talk to him but he wanted no part of it, just to thank me for letting him know what type of woman he was married to.

!5 minutes later his 35 year old daughter called to ask me why I ruined their lives?  Did I have children?  How could she explain to her children what was going on with Nana and Papa?  Why did I have to expose that secret?  Why did so many lives have to be ruined?  As she asked these questions and accused me of causing so much damage, I realized it was true.  My selfish need for her to suffer had inflicted untold damage onto everyone else in her family.  I realized for the first time that I may have endangered my own family, our financial future should her husband go after my husbands career, and all of our safety.

Not only that, but now I have to live with the repercussions of what I have done.  Her husban called back the next day to apologize for his daughter and to ask a few more questions.  Then he told me he had already spoke with an attorney to start divorce proceedings and that he had run a search on my husband and he had a P O Box in a local community.  I found myself trying to excuse her behavior saying maybe it was a result of a mental break, and that it was a last year and that they have a history of 38 years together.  Please do not throw it away based on my stupid revelation but he said he was thankful.  He had been suspicious in the past and now he knew the truth and there was no way he could ever reconcile with her.  He is totally enraged that she took someone to be 15 years his junior and that she would cheat on him after all these years.  He will have no further contact with her except through the attorney.  He had lots of questions about my husbands work situation and I found myself sick that I had started this whole ball rolling.

Now I actually know exactly how our husbands feel when they are sorry for something that they shouldn't have done that causes us such pain but they can't undo it.  I have so much more compassion for my husband and so much grief over my own selfishness.  Oh, had I only looked at her and walked away.

As for approaching the girl of 7 years, no I haven't and I won't.  I will totally let God deal with it as I should have this.

Father,

Give us your wisdom to know what to do in the horrible circumstances we find ourselves in.  Forgive me when I stray from your will.  I pray peace on this other family.  I pray for a supernatural miracle to occur that would allow the softening of hearts, the forgiveness,and reconciliation.  I ask for fogiveness for my own sin and my willingness to try to extract my own justice.  It was a selfish act and I know I am not worthy of your mercy.  let me never again seek my own justice but rely on you to always fight the battles for me.  bless this family and grant them solace.

bless one day and her putting up with me and encouraging me when I am at my lowest.  Let us encourage one another.

Lord, I submit my will to yours and ask that you will give me wisdom and compassion.

bleedingout

Bleedingout,

I think it is worth noting that it was the woman and not you who told her husband about the affair.  While you may have been the trigger for that conversation, it may have been a conversation that needed to happen.  Who's to say that this outcome wasn't part of God's plan for that marriage?  I know I've prayed for truth, but it's probably unrealistic for it to come in the form of a seemingly supernatural experience, but rather through everyday details or interactions with people.  God works through us, need I say it, in mysterious ways.  And yes, I imagine there's incredible grief in that family right now, but I think the one thing we're all learning is that pain and grief are catalysts for growth.  I think the empathy you are experiencing is also a gift.

Oneday and Bleedingout,

I am so sorry to read what has transpired. I feel sick for you, Bleedingout. Oneday, last week I read your post and asked my mom to add you to her prayer list. She did, and she feels the pain you are going through. Know that you have an annonymous prayer warrior on your side now. As for me, I don't have much to report - just an emotional roller coaster ride. One day, I think I'm making enormous progress, and the next, I'm completely losing it. Tonight, I just began to cry and cry. I couldn't stop. I realized that I couldn't feed my family and tend to my 2-year-old's constant needs (demands?). I just couldn't face life tonight. So I asked my H to watch our daughter, and I had a night out all by myself. I went out for dinner, got ice cream, and went to a movie, all by myself. In the past, I would have felt like a loser, going to town with no friends, but tonight, it felt so good to just be alone. I feel like life would be demanding enough being a pregnant, working, mom of a toddler, but now this. I don't know how to juggle it all. I had been doing "so well" but I guess I hit a wall. Actually, it was kind of a relief. Usually, I am so engrossed in trying to be strong for everyone else, that I ignore my own needs. Sometimes I wonder if I even care what has happened in my life, since I'm usually un-emotional about it. So, tonight was good, to let out, to realize that yes, I can still feel. I can still cry. I don't know what to say to the two of you....just that I am thinking of you and praying for you. We are all so powerless...but not helpless.

Love to you,

Hurting

FHL, Hurting, and Oneday,

Yes, I know exactly those feelings.  I grieve so much loss.  Each day is different and even the good ones, I find myself looking for the other stuff to come.

My husband also has the Love Dare squirreled away and even some of the things he has said have come directly from the book, False Intimacy that he has read from the counselor.  It deals with addiction to all things sexual, P, M and affairs.  He told me that he never thought I would find out but if I did, he didn't expect to be able to stay one hour.  He constantly is telling me how he loves me more now than ever before.  It is like a slap in the face.

I also have journaled and found that over the years, that there were lots of things that I swallowed down and also that I kept praying for a better marriage.  I hated the little bickering, the selfishness, and the "unseen" wedge between us.  Now I see it with spriitual eyes and see it for what it was.  His sin had driven us apart.  He couldn't maintain a true close relationship and continue in that sin.  The secrets were between us and it was overspilling into other areas.  I was confused about the problem, thinking I was too critical, demanding, something...he would even say that he didn't feel like I respected him enough and was not supportive enough.  Now he has confessed that he had to keep some emotional distance in order to cover his lies.

We have decided on a contract of 90 days abstinence as recommended by all of the books surrounding Sexual Addiction.  When first suggested, he fought it all the way.  He kept approaching me sexually, saying it was okay as long as it was with his wife.  I finally confronted him and asked him DO YOU REALLY WANT TO GET WELL?  He was flabbergasted that I thought he didn't.  He re-read his SA book False Intimacy and the workbook from his SA group and realized he had only been fooling himself.  He was just using sex btwn us to fulfill those needs and it would never be true healing.  God has dealt with his heart and he says he is committed to it b/c he wants to honor GOD, me, and our relationship.  It will be hard for everyone.  He wants to sign a contract with our counselor and commit to it.

I wonder constantly is he serious or is he just manipulating me.

On the legal front, he has agreed to give me money to see the attorney to draw up the Post Nuptial agreement.  It will put all the equity in our home, vehicles and bank accounts in my name alone and to give me 65% of all his retirement if he ever is unfaithful again or if after 1 year of counseling we are unable to reconcile.  It does make me feel like he is more serious about it and I definitely let him know I intend to hold him to it if he fails.  I don't expect perfection from him but I absolutely expect him to be faithful, no matter what from here on out.

I also am planning to ask him for all phone records every month for the rest of the year.  I want to rebuild trust but it has to be built over time and will not be handed over again carte blanche.

I don't know how to fight the good fight on the bad days and I recently ran across a quote that speaks volumes to me and made him quake in his shoes.  I printed it and put it on the refrigerator, not as a punishment to him but as a reminder to all of us in this family (kids included).

Sow a thought, reap an action.

Sow an action, reap a habit.

Sow a habit, reap a character.

Sow a character, reap a destiny.

It is exactly what I feel.  What seeds we sow always are harvested.  Whether godly or not.  If he had turned his thought life over to Christ 7 years ago, we wouldn't be here today.  The same is true for me.  I need to be reminded of what seeds I am sowing.

I dread this weekend, when he is gone.  It is always worse for me.  I don't sleep and I review too much.  Pray for me to take care of business and enjoy my time with just my little boy.  I don't want to sit up late reminded of all that I have lost.

God bless you all and give us the strength and joy of the moring.

bleedingout