Oh jstone010~my heart went went out to you as I was reading your post. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this rough time in your marriage. I know this is never something we plan for, but I'm so glad you're seeking some help and support right now. Having Christian brothers and sisters who are walking alongside you is vital.

     There's many others on this forum who have had to face infidelity in their marriages, and I know the majority of them would definitely suggest that you and your husband get involved in some sort of counseling. And, perhaps now that things have reached this crisis stage, your husband would be more willing to seek help for your marriage and for his drinking. If you're not sure how to get started in this area, please feel free to call one of our counselors. They could give you some advice to begin with and then maybe recommend some counselors in your area. So, please consider getting in touch with them. Professional input can make all the difference in your marriage.

     In the meantime, there's some material that may help you work through all the many emotions you might be experiencing right now. I know our Forgiveness and Restoration articles talk about some of the hurdles couples must conquer before healing can begin after an affair. And, it's also important to address your feelings and admit to the pain this has caused you. Denying our emotions is never the answer.

     Well, there's a lot more on this subject that might be helpful. Wish I had time to list it all! But, also take a look at the books Desperate Marriages and Healing the Hurt in Your Marriage. As far as your husband's drinking goes, take a look here and here.

     Of course, when all is said and done, prayer is our mightiest weapon here. And, I will definitely be lifting your family up before the Lord. I know He can work miracles in your lives and I'll be asking that you'll see this transformation. God bless you!

Jessica

Forum Moderator

I am sorry that you are going through this.  I too had a husband have a one night stand with someone.  It happened almost 3 months ago and I am still grieving.  The one thing that I am realizing is that the affair was and is not our biggest problem.  We had major communication issues before hand.  I never realized it until just recently after really dissecting our relationship.  For now I recommend that you seek counseling with a pastor a good Christian counselor.  Although it has been hard to admit all my true feelings with our pastor it has helped to be completely honest.  In the first month I was in shock I could barely function did no house work.  Sadness consumed me.  After reading a lot of post on here and counseling I realized that is pretty normal.  As for the time that has elapsed since then I have had so many emotions I feel like I have gone insane.  Anger, sadness, grief, jealousy, fear and vengeance.  I try to think before I act on any of my feelings but there are some days that are harder than others to control my emotions.  I just try to take it a day at a time.  Just this week I felt complete sadness over the whole ordeal, it just comes and goes.  The one thing that shocks me about your posting is that you said you have forgiven him.  I pray that it is true and sincere.  Often we want to forgive and just move past this, but have not experienced true forgiveness.  Allow yourself to feel every emotion and work through it.  We have two boys and I want us to move past this, to grow and learn to be the Christian couple that God has always longed for us to be, but it can only happen if we both completely examine ourselves and surrender ourselves to God and each other, in that order.

God,

Jstone010 is grieving right now and feeling so many emotions that it causes her to question herself.  Please be compassionate and patient with her as she learns to lean on you.  Please allow her to see who she really is, all the good and the bad.  Help her feel humbled as you show her where she can improve.  Please Lord show her husband that he has a problem with alcohol use.  Convict him of his sins against her, and let he show true repentance.  Let her accept his repentance and learn to forgive him.  Please, Lord, be with her in all things and let her see you in all she does and feel comfort by it.  Please bring someone into her life that she can feel confidence in confiding to, so that she can have someone to talk to.  Please be with her each day.

AMEN

jstone,

first off... ((((((hugs)))))))) from one wife IN Christ to another hon. This kind of thing hurts. Saw your post and felt the need to respond so here goes. I have been married for over 10yr now and known each other always. So, that said ... when your spouse does ANYTHING that betrays your trust it will break your heart. I honestly think most all marriages go through some for of trust-testing at some point. The degree of which can vary BUT the HURT is the same. Really is. When we hit our hiccupp I was mad, hurt, ticked off, lots of things for while. My husband asked me for forgiveness and I CHOOSE to forgive him after much prayer. Here is what came to me ...... Jesus died for me, for ME and my sins. I am forgiven. SO..... who am I NOT to give forgiveness in our situation when my spouse is asking for it and truly is sorry and is repenting even.. to me, to our marriage, our family. Now, I do not know for sure if a physical thing happened but an emotional thing did. Physical?? probably,,maybe? possibly? then realized - the degree of what happened does not matter. The fact that our marraige vows were cast aside at all is what hurt me.  So.. if you agree to forgive the only advice I can offer straight from our experience is too fully and truly FORGIVE as you were forgiven.  ... I hope that hits your heart the way I intend. We are still married and even stronger now. What I learned was that I was not meeting his needs fully. I was pregnant, on bedrest, he was scared. I was scared. My focus was not on him. He was traveling for work and  you mix and match all that plus he was avoiding things same as I was and recipie for disaster struck. We let ourselves get there. I had to be accountable for my part in that ....... eventually. That was hard for me, I felt betrayed and that no matter what he should not have crossed ANY lines.  And can say today, he wont. We learned to REALLY communicate better, to turn to each other. I did not want to be vulnerable and neither did he. We both want to be strong of course !! In a marriage you have to be open, honest, trusting, and esp. vulnerable to each other. Lesson learned the hard way.  The betrayel itself is what hurts, I had to grow past that. We are blessed with 3 children as well.

Wishing you and your family the best.  This is a very, very hard time you are faced with. But, you are choosing to move forward... then do it fully ~ What helped me keep perpective is as I said... Who am I ?? Who I am I NOT for forgive when I am asked?? My Savior forgave me when I asked. And going back and just looking at the whole of it.  " For what God has joined together let no man put a sunder "......... NO ONE should touch that. Now, we have safegaurded our marriage in a very, real way that obviously was not there before. We have had many different and hard struggles, that was the hardest for me. But,,, every time we come out stronger and closer for it. Be a testiment not a statistic ...

Hello jstone God bless you! I too had a similar experience.

A few months ago, after my husband came back to the Lord he confessed me that last year during a trip I made to my mom’s house, my neighbor who supposedly was my "best friend", took advantage of the situation. She came the first night to talk to him supposedly but my husband told her that he can not let her in because I wasn’t at home. She left but came back the night after; she told my husband that she needed to talk to him about the computer I bought her husband with my credit (they paid me later). In the conversation about “the computer” she started crying and told my husband that her husband mistreats her (she always told me her husband was the best husband ever) while rubbing my husband thighs. He responded by kissing her, after he kissed her she told him that she loved him and will always do, not matter if he doesn’t love her back; then she left. My husband believed her, because of the way she cared for our children specially the younger one who is best friend with her middle son. She would also tell me not to cook because she would bring us food (I guess it was for my husband). Well the next day she called him and they agreed on seeing each other at our home, she came in and started kissing each other, after they took their clothes off, he decided to stop it. He says that that night he cried like a baby (the Holly Spirit's conviction of sin), he called me the next morning and told me he would go to my mom house to meet us over there and return home with us. I was surprise since my husband didn’t like my mom’s town at all and will do anything to avoid going there, but I would never imagine the reason why all of the sudden he decided to come to be with us.

I have known my husband for 14 years and have been married for 10; he has never given me a reason to be jealous about him and that was one thing I loved about him because he wasn’t that type of man. As for my neighbor, she was so kind, gentle, and friendly that I couldn’t believe my husband when he told me what she had done. Thanks God I already forgave them both although I haven’t spoken to her given that I stopped going to her home.There is a question I ask myself over and over: should I let her know that I know? All I can say is since I decided to forgive and forget, my marriage and husband have changed for the better. Our love has deepened as well as our communication which never existed before; God has been our mighty counselor. The only thing that bothers me right now is the fact that every time I see my husband close to a beautiful woman, I get jealous. It bothers me a lot because I was never jealous before, but I don’t know how to control it. Anyway I trust the Lord to help me go through it, He is the almighty God that heals ourselves.

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