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1,079 Views 10 Replies Last post: Nov 12, 2009 5:33 PM by trish RSS
trish Community Member
trish
6 posts since
Oct 31, 2009
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Oct 31, 2009 6:53 PM

headed for divorce

mine is a similar story, my husband began an affair april 08.  i found out and kicked him out.  he was back and forth, we fought a lot and i moved out january 09.  by june i could no longer afford the place so came back.  he and the girlfriend broke up and he was devestated.  i was supportive, we were getting along, he was attentive, then one day, it all started again, the disappearing, ignoring me.  i knew.  gave him a choice to end it or leave, he left.  since then i have been the pathetic, begging, pleading spouse.  does no good has just driven him away more.  says hes not happy, still loves me, does not want a divorce.  afraid to come home and be miserable again because nothing has changed.  blames me for the affair.  because i spent too much money, got credit cards got us in debt.  fine, i take responisbility for that.  since then, i have been saved.  i pray for my marriage,my sanity.  sometimes don't feel faithful in trusting God, try to manipulate things, doesn't work.  i'm not sure if i am to believe that my marriage will be restored or move on.  told him today i wanted a divorce, he's living with his girlfriend and i just can't deal with it.  any advice?  please help, i'm at the end of my rope.  i barely function.
Tags: separation, affair, infidelity
sunshine7 Community Member
sunshine7
19 posts since
Nov 2, 2009
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1. Nov 2, 2009 11:34 AM in response to: trish
Re: headed for divorce
Hi i sent a reply earlier but after, i saw your seond post.Trish the adulterer Always has a lot of reasons to Blame you for the affiar....You didn't make him sin He did...yes we all have issues that we need to resolve with each other but His Adultery was his choice. Praying for you.
trish Community Member
trish
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Oct 31, 2009
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2. Nov 2, 2009 6:32 PM in response to: sunshine7
Re: headed for divorce
thank you so much for your prayers and words of encouragement.  i went out today and got the book love must be tough and i will no longer be the crying, pathetic person i have shown him i am.  i am determined to make God first, and have no contact with him unless i have to.  no more phone calls asking if he made a decision.  it's time that he should wonder what decision i am going to make.  for now, it's move on with my life without him, start counseling, stay in prayer, church and in the word.  please pray that God will continue to show me the way.  i still have hopes for my marriage.  but i am determined to figure out who i am and what God has planned for me.  i will no longer take responsibity for this.  this is a decision made by him.  he made a mess and know he can figure his mess out.
Ninkies Community Member
Ninkies
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Jun 18, 2007
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3. Nov 3, 2009 6:12 AM in response to: trish
Re: headed for divorce

trish, i just wanted to tell you that you are not "pathetic" you are hurting and want the hurt to stop. it is the most horrible thing to be in limbo in a relationship. cling to Jesus. believe me I have been there!

 

if you are going to stand for your marriage i would also suggest http://www.rejoiceministries.com. I don't 100% agree with the covenant marriage thing, but its a great resource for support.

DeniseFOTF Focus Employee
DeniseFOTF
197 posts since
Oct 18, 2007
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4. Nov 3, 2009 7:04 AM in response to: trish
Re: headed for divorce

Hi Trish ~

 

 

I'd like to add my voice to those who have already offered such good, encouraging words. 

 

 

Above all, I hope you'll keep holding on to Jesus, and keep reaching out to the family of God for support during these difficult days. It's so important to surround yourself with caring people, which is why I'm so glad you've shared your story here on our Forums.

 

 

I know it can be hard to open up about such personal issues in your marriage, but if you're looking for some good advice, I'd really like to see you get in touch with one of our counselors here at Focus.  They can talk to you about the tough love approach, and give you specific suggestions for action steps you can take in your own situation. 

 

 

Hang in there, friend, and keep us posted on how you're doing, ok?

 

DeniseFOTF
Forums Moderator

trish Community Member
trish
6 posts since
Oct 31, 2009
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5. Nov 3, 2009 9:58 AM in response to: DeniseFOTF
Re: headed for divorce

Hi Denise,

 

Thank you for the advice and support.  I did talk with a counselor last night, he was wonderful.  His advice, act as if he isn't coming back, move on with life without him.  Been trying that, but always seem to get caught up in the same patterns of crying, begging.  Determined not to do that anymore.  Will not take his calls, although he rarely calls me.  I'm in a place now where I don't know if I want this anymore.  It would be easier financially to take him back, keep my home.  But it's gone on so long and he has made zero effort.  I don't know what to do. I'm going to try the tough love approach and see what happens.  I've never really let him go, I wrote him the note letting him go, but as recently as yesterday, asked if he was coming home.  So tired of the lies, he loves me, wants to come home, is miserable with her, cannot be himself, but yet does not know why he does not come home.  So, I leave him to that.  The hardest battle I fight is the one in my mind.  It consumes me. I pray, ask for strength, guidence, comfort.  My plan is to keep surrending to God, all I can do.  Any advice for the battle in my head?  I feel like nothing is going to change, it hasn't for 17 months, but then again, I haven't really changed either.

 

Trish

DeniseFOTF Focus Employee
DeniseFOTF
197 posts since
Oct 18, 2007
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6. Nov 3, 2009 5:51 PM in response to: trish
Re: headed for divorce

Hey Trish ~

 

 

I'm glad to hear that our counselor gave some practical tips for carrying out the tough love approach in your marriage.  As with so many things in life, it really is easier said then done. I know it's hard, Trish, but I really believe you're up to it. 

 

 

My suggestions going forward:

 

 

1. Stay the course. No matter how much you are tempted, don't back down when the going gets rough.

2. Get support from Christian friends.  They can help hold you accountable when you feel you are starting to weaken.

3. Pray, pray, pray.  Bathe everything you do in prayer, and trust God to give you strength for each day and grace for each moment.

 

 

Hang in there, sister! I know this is a long, hard road - I wish it was one you did not have to travel.  When you get weary from the journey, I hope you'll check in with those of us in the forums community for some encouraging words and lots of prayer!

 

 

Hugs,

 

 

DeniseFOTF

Forums Moderator

CountingonHIM Community Member
CountingonHIM
10 posts since
Nov 2, 2009
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7. Nov 3, 2009 6:13 PM in response to: trish
Re: headed for divorce

Hey Trish!  I just wrote this in reply to my testimony I posted last night.  I noticed one thing you said in your originial post - this was something that I had to learn and face also.  I had to take the "me" out of it.  I am sure you have heard "let go and let God". It is a step of faith and it is very hard.  Because we really want to "help" God and we want to still have some control of the situation.  But God wants us to focus soley on Him.  Give Him your all and take this time as a rebuilding for you.

By no means do you give up on your husband- you just bathe him in prayer and ask God for guidance.  But you also don't try to change the situation any more - that is God's business.  He knows your husbands heart, He holds it and only He can change it!

God will give you situations for you to show your husband how you have changed in Christ.  Your husband will one day see Christ in you - I Peter 3:1

I started exercising and just focusing my life on God and trying to get each area of my life in line with Him - from work to finances etc...so that when the day comes I will be prepared.

He has led me on these things to.  God has really pushed for control in my health/fitness and work.  It has been amazing so far!

I have read many books on this - The Battle is the Lord's (Joyce Meyer) may be a great start for you, and Let Go (Shelia Walsh), Believe God (Beth Moore) - ask God what you should read - He will lead you to a good one!  Hold onto Him and His word.  He is more than enough!!

mayflower Community Member
mayflower
47 posts since
Sep 24, 2009
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8. Nov 4, 2009 6:17 AM in response to: CountingonHIM
Re: headed for divorce

Trish,

You asked in one of your posts, "Can someone tell me how to get these thoughts out of my head?" For one thing, you can journal those thoughts. I call that kind of journal the "trash" journal. You can write out all of your thoughts for that day, (and believe me, some days for me, there was so much stuff going on, I could hardly write it all down) but it gave me a way to vent, and it gave me some ways to analyse my thoughts, and then it gave me a safe place to "keep" all of those thoughts, so that I wouldn't have to think about them again...for a while at least.

 

And then, there is the journal that you can start that you could call your "God" journal - writing out prayers and scriptures that come to you as you journey through this kind of thing. And yes, I've been right there where you are right now. I'd like to share another book with you that is a companion book for those who are going through this heartache of separation and/or divorce. It's entitled Healing Within The Storm by Lillian Holcomb. She takes you from the onset of things all the way through to forgiveness, walking you through promises in the Bible, along with how to cope with the ow/om, dealing with children through this, and watching out for your own behavior. The book gives you opportunity to journal your thoughts on different points in the book as well as discuss questions in the back of each chapter on various issues. You can find the book at Amazon.com. The author has been through it herself and is now ministering to other men and women. It would be a tremendous help for you.

 

You are in a situation now that is unbearable, yet at the same time, God is in control. You have taken the first step to healing and that is giving your life over to Jesus. The counselors here have given you very good advice in getting you a support group, prayer group, etc. Please know that God can speak directly to your situation and will give you scriptures for your situation as you ask Him to make you keenly aware of what He wants you to know, and do, and even the way He wants to love you through scripture. God is just too awesome when He loves us through His Word.

 

As for the practical advice in your situation, check out that book mentioned above - I think you'll find it very helpful.

God bless,

Mayflower

sunshine7 Community Member
sunshine7
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Nov 2, 2009
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9. Nov 4, 2009 7:45 AM in response to: sunshine7
Re: headed for divorce

Hi Trish just wanted to let you know i am praying for you.....Someone posted the idea of journaling....I just took a pad of paper and i put all my feelings on paper....I told My Heavenly Fathe Everything on paper...and even wrote notes of my feelings and hurts from my x......I even wrote in another book all the scriputes that God used to give me comfort and hope....so many beautiful psalms....Yes writing helps....and i have favorite scriptures in my bible written that mean so much to me even Now because it shows the faithfulness of my heavenly Father....When we realize that Christ is first in our lives....He is our Need meeter....we don't need to cling to anyone else...no one will Ever meet our needs only Jesus will.....It has been almost six years for me since i found out about his affair....i pray for his salvation and so thankful that God answered a prayer for me with his girlfriend, now his wife....My x had told me she was Not a godly women and didn't go to church and that was way he wanted it...Well I aked God to give her solid christian witness and God is so Good He Did it...when our friend was dying his new wife had lost her job because of the affair, she worked as a school nurse and went to work taking care of dying people...

 

GOD PUT HER WITH OUR FRIEND AND THIS FAMILY HAS A VERY CLOSE WALK WITH THE LORD....This man's neice,  who was in my girls group at church Years ago....called me and said is Jayne  the girl your husband is living with...i said Yes....when my x came over to the house to pick something up i said i heard Lou died and he said I heard that too...I said of course you did your girl friend was his nurse!..he said she came home everynight crying...Never had she met a family like that...he said they are just a great family...I said to my x it is because they have Christ in that family and she saw it..It went over his head.

 

TOLD  YOU ALL THIS  to let you know that God cares for all the people in the adultery process, I found praying for the one involved in the affair that they would know Christ and I even sent her a letter telling her I forgave her.  She was totally stunned but it opened the door for the Lord to work on her heart....Don't know it any of this helped, but i do  know that drawing closer to your heavenly Father is Awesome...Threw all the pain We learn to trust Him more and realize sometimes it doesn't come out the way we may want.....But God can not and will not change people's heart....He can draw them to himself he can convict their hearts....but if they will Not change He will not force them. If you can get a good Christian Pastor to see you and your Husband will go, you have a much better chance...Mine would not speak with our pastor...did listen so he says to June Hunt Tape.....I suggest you go to her website Hope for the Heart has excellent tape series Snare of the Affair....i would mail them to you but i gave them to a girl at church who's husband married his secretary....Now a days women don't care if men are

married they go after them at work....

 

This I am thankful for,  God does Heal Broken Hearts....it is a process as you get into His word He speaks to us.....Loved my time of journaling. Now I understand when bible says Jesus will wipe away all our tears in heaven....I will be truthful it is hard when special dates come, retirement money wise will be very difficult, but I have Christ, my Savior, my Lord and Friend ...I read the end of His book...Heaven is a beautiful place!!!!

trish Community Member
trish
6 posts since
Oct 31, 2009
Currently Being Moderated
10. Nov 12, 2009 6:05 PM in response to: sunshine7
Re: headed for divorce
ok, this has not been a good week.  feeling very depressed, broke the rules, had contact which was horrible, me crying hysterically, begging for answers, telling him to make a choice or i would divorce him.  he basically said he did not want to end it, doesn't want a divorce, is happier there, but sometimes wishes so badly to be home.  actually had the nerve to say to me, there are certain things he would never do to another human being(referencing my use/misuse of credit cards, hiding bills) so my reply was then how can you do this to me?  no answer.  never any answers.  clearly, he does not want to come home.  i know i need to let him go.  its so hard to think about it being over, and that he would rather stay with her then be with me.  it hurts so bad there are days (like yesterday) i dont think i can take it.  i pray and i pray.  i don't hear God.  i thought i heard wait and be still but i never know if its my own thoughts.  i could really use some advice.  the one thing i am doing is reinforcing the no contact rule at least until i am stronger.  its been a year and a half and it still hurts just as bad as it did the day i found out.

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