Four years ago I married my husband and as I walked down the aisle I had doubts. Part of me wanted to run the other direction, part wanted to keep o going, another thought 'hey there is always divorce.' In the first couple weeks of our marriage I was unfaithful, and a couple months later I found out I was pregant. I can not be 100% sure that my daughter is my husband's and this doubt has haunted me since I looked down at my pregancy test. I kept this silent. During my pregnancy and almost the fist year of my daughters life I was angry. I was mad that he was not as doughting as I wanted, or transitioned to fatherhood as I thought he should have. I was mad that I did walk down the aisle, and I was mad at what I had done.

I began to find false happiness by joining chat rooms, particularly those of unhappy married people. I felt connected and understood. Flirtation began with online "friends" and email / txt corresondance began. Although I was not physically unfaithful, this time I was emotionally. My husband on a couple of occasions found my emails/txt. Sometimes he would keep quiet others he would confront me. I usually wiggled my way out. A year ago my marraige almost ended and he almost walked out. We decided to work it out and we have done strides.

I am afraid of him, not because he is violent or abusive (he is not) but because he bottles things up and I fear one day he will explode. My biggest fear is that he would fight and win custody of our daughter. This comes from last year when he dicovered my emotional infidelity he left with our daughter and threatend not to come back. He did not go and did return but I have been truamitzed and wake up in the middle of the night fearing that he has left w/ her.

As I said earlier i have paternal doubt and I finally had enough, i dont know what to call it, to purchase a DNA kit. When it arrived I chickened out and hid it. This weekend he found it and as you can imagine his disappointment, hurt, pain etc. He asked what happend but all I could do was sob, I could not even abmitt clearly what had happend. I would begin stop, skip a couple words stop. Hoping he understood with out me actually having to say it  aloud. He walked out to let out steam I presume and returned late that night to sleep on the couch. And again last night. We have not spoken, just a couple nessecities. I still dont know if he will stay, will he forgive me, yet again...

I am no closer to knowing for sure any of the questions I have and ask for prayer.