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kels Community Member
kels
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Nov 4, 2009
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Nov 4, 2009 8:12 AM

15 year old w/ new boyfriend

I have a 15 year old who has a new boyfriend.  Seems like a good kid but I found them making out on the sofa in the basement.  How do I handle the situation? 
Tags: teens, communication, dating, communication_teen, daughter
TessaFOTF Focus Employee
TessaFOTF
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Jul 16, 2007
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1. Nov 5, 2009 10:26 AM in response to: kels
Re: 15 year old w/ new boyfriend

Hi kels. I'm not sure what you've already shared with your daughter regarding physical boundaries with guys, or what your family rules are for dating. However, the situation you described appears to be quite intimate already for being a "new" relationship. Is he a lot older than her? Girls are sooo impressionable at this age, and you're wise to be informed and active as you guide her through these teen years.

 

Perhaps "Real Boundaries for Teens" will give you some practical ideas, along with the related articles on this same page. Your daughter might like reading Stuff a Girl's Gotta Know: Little Hints for Big Things in a Teen's Life or Anybody Got a Clue About Guys? A Young Woman's Guide to Healthy Relationships. Maybe you can flip through them at a bookstore first and see if they'd be appropriate. They cover much more than boy-girl relationships.

 

Above all, keep praying for your precious girl. God has big plans for her and you can be His hands and feet as she navigates our crazy culture and all its temptations.

 

Tessa

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MarshaRN_mom5 Community Member
MarshaRN_mom5
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Nov 6, 2009
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2. Nov 6, 2009 7:44 AM in response to: kels
Re: 15 year old w/ new boyfriend

This is my first note to any sort of forum. Your question is what prompted me to register.

I have a 15 y o dtr who's been testing the limits a lot. She's #4 of our 5 kids, who are all still at home. The beginning of this school year she had a "boyfriend" and, after reading a text he sent to my husband's cell (she doesn't have her own and using his to text) we told her she cannot have a boyfriend or date atleast until she's 16. We made her notify him with us present and she did this on her facebook page, which allowed all her friends to see. I told her the phrase "my parents won't let me ..." will help her save face. It's hard for girls to say "no" to being a girlfriend if a boy asks...it could hurt his feelings...she wants to be liked...it makes her popular..."My parents won't let me...but I can be your friend..." lets her off the hook.

She was very mad at first but only a few weeks later, was telling her best friends they should not have boyfriends. She saw her BFFs argue and stop speaking over a guy. Then, when they "broke up", the girl and guy never speak. She's friends with the girl and the guy. She tells them to be "just friends...and get out of the drama" as I told her to do.  That's COOL for this uncool mom. [Now, if I could just work on her attitude, ie. snoddiness...Is it hormones? I need to read books] Now, she is less of a "threat" to other girls and the guys feel safe (expectation-free) in just being her friend; so, in effect, it makes her more popular.

We also don't allow the boys to go upstairs to the girls' room (or girls to the boys rooms) or for them to watch a movie by themselves in the basement rec area. You need to set those limits and this is a good time to do it.

I hope this helps. May God bless your endevors!

kels Community Member
kels
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Nov 4, 2009
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3. Nov 9, 2009 7:21 AM in response to: MarshaRN_mom5
Re: 15 year old w/ new boyfriend new issue

Okay, now I found out they are getting high together.  I have caught her before and we have been going to a christian counselor.  I am just at my wits end with how to punish her to really get her attention.  Taking things away just does not work!!  Any advice??   She says she does it because we do not notice when she is doing well anyway.  She is a christian....

 

Thanks!

mommaof4 Community Member
mommaof4
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Nov 20, 2009
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4. Nov 24, 2009 10:23 AM in response to: kels
Re: 15 year old w/ new boyfriend
Wow, first of all your daughter is too young to have a boyfriend.  She shouldnt be alowed to date until she is 18 and only if she shows to be spiritualy mature enough. My son who is 16 and is 6ft handsome as i dont know what, lead guitar player in the worship team, so always on stage and on tv and the girls go nuts over him.  He is respectful, smiles and waves at them.  Tells them he is not ready for a relationship, waiting till he turns 19 and hears from God who would be a good candidate for him.  He said "dating at such a young age is just silly, we dont know yet what we want, I dont know what i want yet in a woman.  Dating saying i love you then breaking up, breaking hearts of young girls, is just PRACTICE FOR DIVORCE, no thanks"  . I have three girls 21yr, 19yr and a 15yr old.  They have a poster up that reads  A GIRL SHOULD BE SO LOST IN GOD, THE GUY HAS TO GO THROUGH GOD TO GET TO HER.  Now, their advice to you is this; take every privilege away from her, all her rights.  She should not be allowed to have a boyfriend, take her phone away, computer, everything and take her out of school if needed, homeschool her.  Its three years from her reaching 18yrs old, do whatever you can to change her mindset, dont be afraid to invaid on her privacy or rights.  You are her mother.  Tell her...I know i have let you..... that was a mistake, now i am going to do this from now on. Also, get her in church, a bible, she needs a relationship with jesus.  Going to church is one thing having a relationship with christ will transform her inside and out.
BettyJFOTF Focus Employee
BettyJFOTF
311 posts since
Jun 17, 2008
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5. Nov 24, 2009 10:49 AM in response to: kels
Re: 15 year old w/ new boyfriend

Dear Kels,

 

Thank you for posting with FOTF.  Your concerns are valid.  I totally support Tessa 's insightful comments and  appropriate resources.  Your daughter is entering into a new seaon of life for which you have discerned her need for more preparation.   An additional resource, entitled, BOUNDARIES IN DATING is one that the two of you may desire to read together.

 

SEARCH FOR SIGNIFICANCE--YOUTH EDITION by Dawson McCallister and Robert McGee address fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of punishment and fear of shame.  Fear of rejection is a major issue for anyone, but especially at age 15.  This information would help your daughter to reaffirm her Authority as the Lord Jesus.   We want to help her feel that she  is worth honoring, and that she is a person who honors others also.   Her boyfriend is not her authority which we want her to discover sooner instead of later.   The resources mentioned by Tessa will help her to envision this as well.

 

God's identity statement for your daughter is found in Isaiah 43:4a, "Since you were precious in My Sight, you have been honorable, and I have loved you..."  (KJV)  We are precious, lovable and honorable because of the blood of the Lamb, (our identity in Christ), not because of our performance.   If we are our own authority, we will act out the identity we see ourselves to be.  Sometime we have to "fire ourselves" from the authority position and allow God to be our Authority. This is intrinsic motivation.

 

You are a wise mother to want to intervene at this point.  Counseling is an option as well.  You can access a Christian counselor referral by calling the FOTF Counseling Department at 1-800-232-6459 X7700 M-F 6:00 a.m. to 7:30 p.m. MST.   Finding  a female mentor who could serve as a positive role model is another option to consider.  I affirm your discernment, and  hopefully these thoughts will be empowering to you.

 

Submitted by Betty J., R.N., L.P.C.

FOTF Counseling Department

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