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674 Views 5 Replies Last post: Nov 4, 2009 4:45 PM by Troubled-heart RSS
knottedgut Community Member
knottedgut
2 posts since
Nov 3, 2009
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Nov 3, 2009 4:29 PM

Still don't know the whole story

My wife of over 15 years has cheated on me multiple times.  She confessed to one affair (one of the least recent) due to her need for me to protect her from the ex boyfriend turned stalker.

 

She refuses to admit to the other affairs she's had.  I've worked out of town a great deal and she has used that time apart to facilitate her indescretions.

 

I don't know if I will ever be able to trust her until she comes clean and tells me the whole truth.

 

I can only forgive her for what she has confessed.

 

I love her more than life itself, but cannot seem to get that nagging betrayed feeling out of my heart.

 

Whenever things start to improve, there seems to be a setback.  Three times in the last two weeks she has said another man's name in her sleep while obviously having an amorous dream.

 

I don't know what to do.  I feel like someone has ripped out my heart and it won't stop.

 

Is anyone else going through this?

Tags: marriage, infidelity, communication_spouse:
Troubled-heart Community Member
Troubled-heart
6 posts since
Nov 2, 2009
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1. Nov 3, 2009 4:30 PM in response to: knottedgut
Re: Still don't know the whole story
I am kind of going through the  same thing. except I am the one who cheated on my husband for a about 2 months this year and am trying to save my marriage. And I also believ e th.at the only way to move forward and to have forgiveness is for the spouse to come completly clean with everything. my Husband found out a month ago and I was not honest right away about everything because I did not want to hurt him but that was a mistake because he will never believe that I have told him everything. even though I have he will never think that. If she itruley is sorry and wants to fix things the best way in my case and in others that I have talken with is to come competly clean. she will feel better and you will too. and there will never be any set backs. Good luck
JonnyReb Community Member
JonnyReb
11 posts since
Sep 6, 2009
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2. Nov 4, 2009 6:52 AM in response to: knottedgut
Re: Still don't know the whole story

  Hi Knotted gut,  So sorry to hear of your situation. It is so very hard to ever believe or trust after the initial disclosure. Everything just seems like a lie.

 

  I went through your exact emotions over my wifes affair and was repeatably assured that it was a short term mistake. I couldn't get rid of that nagging feeling of doubt you've mentioned and read her a page out of "torn asunder", a book on affairs. The material called for the "infidel" to fess up all as they can never really move forward in their marriage until they do. Upun hear this, my wife began crying and admitted to an 18 year emotional affair, the first and last 3 years of it physically involved. As we have been married for 15 years, this predates.... me. Sometimes... the truth is almost to much to bear.  Anyways, thats a good book with chapters and info concerning hidden affairs.

 

  In your scenario, i hope your wife is telling you the truth so you can move on from here. To reveal more down the road requires YOU to have to start over in the healing process. It's harder that way although it's also a matter of perception. A friend of mine said that " God just knew you couldn't handle but so much at a time". Maybe so.  I'll sure pray for your marriage, say one for mine if you would, Try to live your personal life as HE would want, walk as a man of Christ, she will want to remain true to a man like that. Be thankful for 2nd chances and put God 1st. Good luck,  J

mayflower Community Member
mayflower
47 posts since
Sep 24, 2009
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3. Nov 4, 2009 8:02 AM in response to: JonnyReb
Re: Still don't know the whole story

I am on the other side of a divorce and I have gone through exactly what you are going through. I just had a few thoughts for you as I read your post.

 

First of all, truth sometimes can become painful, laced with smoke just because of the issue, and infidelity is one of those issues. The other post that the woman posted was very revealing in that she actually stated that she didn't want to reveal everything because she didn't want her husband hurting even more. After going through two major affairs with my husband, one of which is pretty much rock solid and actually started way before we were ever married (married for 24 years), I know the agony that you are going through. But at the same time, I have found that revelation comes slowly, it comes in many different forms (ie: God's word,through friends and family and many other sources such as happenstance). When we beg our spouses for the truth, then they pull back because they are afraid of reprecussions and they don't really want to admit all of their ugly sins, just like Johnny doesn't want to admit that he broke the cookie jar. It's just not in our human nature to admit we are wrong.

 

However, I agree that to move forward with a marriage, one does have to come clean, but I truly believe that if we trust God for that revelation, then it will be revealed when the time is right and in a setting where the two of you trust one another. Allow me to bring you to Ezekiel 36:24-36. God lays out specific plans as to how He will bring the wayward back to a place of restoration, and when we see that God has in mind for this process, then we can rest assured that it indeed will take place. It just takes time to shake off this kind of sin...but it will come. She can't control what she speaks in her dreams, yet at the same time, that was another revelation to you that you need to pray even more over your wife.Thank the good Lord, she was in your bed with you rather than someone else...and you "caught them". Be patient with her, and pray that God will actually bring your wife theough that process mentioned in Ezekiel.

 

God bless,

Mayflower

knottedgut Community Member
knottedgut
2 posts since
Nov 3, 2009
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4. Nov 4, 2009 9:02 AM in response to: Troubled-heart
Re: Still don't know the whole story

I have forgiven my wife for this.  I would forgive her for anything because I love her so much.  But, it is very difficult to rebuild trust when I know she is still denying other indescretions.

 

The truth is difficult to deal with but the untruth is, at times, unbearable.

 

I wish this pain on no one.

Troubled-heart Community Member
Troubled-heart
6 posts since
Nov 2, 2009
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5. Nov 4, 2009 5:33 PM in response to: knottedgut
Re: Still don't know the whole story
no one likes to admit there wrong or expose themselves. but my husband and I both feel that is the only way to move forwqard no matter how painfull it is. I know this is very painfull. I can never imagine ever doing this again to my husband after working things out. I never thought about the consequences or ewho wopuld really get hurt. and there really is no way I think my husband could ever trust me again. good luck to you, I wish you the best.

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