I feel God leading me to write this to you and as I get teary eyed and emotional - I know He will help me.  I replied to one person on their post, but when I saw the titles to everyone else's postings my heart sank and I felt like God was nudging me on.  So here goes!  It is out there for you all to read, but it is a true miracle in what has been accomplished and the best is yet to be revealed!

I have been with K for four years we do not have children and we did not want any.  I will give you a little background here - I am very headstrong, independent and devoted, K is very much the same and extremely loyal.  For as long as I can remember through college and into professional life I thought it was all about the almighty dollar and "being a professional".  I come from that background, so I wanted it too.  Little, however, did I realize then that my parents careers were/are actually a ministry from God in themselves.  i.e.: my mother was a dentist and she wanted to give people their smiles back - even if they couldn't afford it. 

So anyway, I got the top of the line job with a a top notch company...I finally had pursued it, given it my all and got it! Yaay! right? NO, not so much.  I have never been more miserable in my life.  I was soo stressed that I got physically sick.  I lasted six months - it was the beginning of my spiral to the bottom. 

After the many flights back and forth to the west coast, K had gotten himself involved with an emotional affair.  I had no idea. 

I told him one night as we were getting ready to go eat, that he did not make me happy.  I have never seen a person run so fast out the door!  Three days later I sat at the computer where he had left his email account open.  I found a picture of our bartender in his email.  Two days later I found a letter, he had translated it into her language and said he could not wait to begin their lives together and he professed how much he loved her.  I was devastated.  I was in complete shock.  I called his best friend, his family - everybody!  K needed help and he wouldn't listen to me - that was my honest reaction. 

Our bartender was a girl that I never cared to be friends with, but had invited her and her two kids to church.  She was married to a man in the military who was overseas in Iraq at the time.  The day her husband finally called me I was fit to be tied at the magnitude of what was taking place and the children who were involved!

Long story short - in the beginning God revealed much to me.  And he asked me one thing back in April - "Just love him."  I was like "God, are you serious??"  That was the last thing on my  mind.  I had no intention of ever loving this man again and I was very angry with him.  I thought it was completely unfair of God to ask this of me!!  Completely. 

At the beginning God brought me to my knees and for a week I could not even look at myself in a mirror!  God showed me my faults and how I had treated K.  It was a total different view than I had ever seen.  See, it really takes two to get where you are, even if you don't see it, God can show you.  It is life and it is messy. He never promised it would be easy, but He promised He would be there with us.  In the meantime, God brought three amazing women into my life and four other friends and my mom are believing with me for what God has said to me.  I have actually been able to help my friends with their marriages through this - it really has been the hand of God because honestly, it blows my mind!

I continued to live my life and I saw K over the next three months.  I continued to listen to God and pray, but it was on my terms not His. I tried everything in my power to talk to K, to change the circumstances etc... On Friday, July 10th, I hit rock bottom.  I had drank myself to oblivion, I confronted the girl at her bar (I did not cause a scene, I just asked her how her kids and husband were - while mine sat at the bar with her - it was malicious intent on my part and God grabbed my heart and I did apologize, but that was the end for K - that was not the story he was told and it quickly became he said/she said), and the next day I was a mess!  My heart hurt so bad for what I had done, even though no one else thought it was a big deal. That Sunday I finally went to church, I had put other things infront of church on Sundays, but I still went to prayer group and bible study during the week because it did not interrupt my ME time.  As "While I'm Waiting" played, I sobbed on the altar, I truly gave God complete control and told him I could no longer do this without Him and it was fully in His hands.  I followed Him in baptism September 13th - a public rededication of my life. 

Through all of this God has changed my heart for K.  I see him through God's eyes.  Not as the world sees him.  The world does not give the best advice in these situations, nor do they believe God for a revolution.  These are the circumstances that God works best in - the absolute impossible!  In the past three months through all of this I have fought a spiritual battle for K, God had told me from the beginning that it was a spiritual battle, but I didn't really get it until one night as I sat in the family room and prayed over K - my eyes all of a sudden were burning and began spewing tears!  I wasn't crying.  There was a force that I can't explain that I could feel and the only words that came out of my mouth were "God please protect me, God please be with me, God please be with K" ....It lasted for about two minutes.  I was soo shaken I called CBN for prayer and I thought I was crazy if I called any of my prayer group!  I didn't know what was going on.  The next day as I was working my prayer partner, Melissa texted me said "Read Mark 9 healing of a boy with an evil spirit. Especially vs 29 made me think of K".  You could have blown me over!  I was like WOW, God, this is real! 

There are so many things God has told me and showed me through all this - from sermons, to scripture, music, to books, to people in my life who are praying for us that confirm things over and over.  My mom was given a vision from God and I now wear a gold ring around my neck to symbolize it. 

I also feel that I have been called into the ministry, which if I told you what it was you probably wouldn't be shocked at this point, yes- marriage counseling!  And my story isn't over!  I don't know how God is going to accomplish all He has promised to do, I just know that He is.  That is exactly what FAITH is and He reminds of this daily with just the little things in life.  I am trying in the meantime to get all areas of my life in line with God's will so that when the time comes I will be able to accomplish what God has in store for our future. 

I pray everyday that the Holy Spirit would give me the words to say and I always remind myself that God gave me the love, grace, mercy and forgiveness that I needed and that I should grant the same to K.  And I want to!  I want to show God's love through me - to everyone!  I want people to say I am beautiful because of God in me and not just by my physical looks!  I want to radiate with God's love. 

God has told me "I will bring him back" - and in Isaiah 46:11 it states " What I have said that will I bring about, what I have planned that will I do."  God is the same yesterday, today and forever - and He keeps His promises.  Beloved you can rely on Him! 

The key things that have gotten me through this are: having a bible study/prayer group that will pray and encourage me, reading everything God has led me to, His word, finding friends who will believe with you - "if any two are gathered in my name..." - Matthew 18:20, a good church, and FAITH!  I found all books at the Christian book store that talk about prayer and marriage.  Believing God from Beth Moore is wonderful! Also, Redeeming Love, very good.  I listen online to Joyce Meyer and any other churches that I like, Westridge.com - has an awesome series on rEVOLution. Some people will not understand this, when I would get so frustrated with others God would remind me "they don't have to understand" they will see it.  You will learn who you will share with and God will even have you tell certain people.  But not everyone will "get it".  They see things as the world see them, but just remember - you are not of this world!  I John 2:15

You can let unforgiveness eat you up, but it is more rewarding to watch God change lives.  I know that he is working in K even though I can't see, hear or feel it.  Proverbs 21:1-3 God knows K's heart.  I now pray for a marriage mission for K and I.  I pray something so great that God will use for His glory! 

There are alot of unbelieving friends, family and others who have watched this unfold over the months.  There are many who think it's over and would probably pass out if I gave him another chance.  But God IS a God of second chances.  He IS in the business of restoration and healing.  And that is what I am trusting Him for!

I promise I am human and it's a hard road.  I struggled in the beginning with God just loving me and me accepting it.  I didn't feel like I deserved it.  But I learned that if I can't accept what Christ did for me on the cross - I cannot give it to anyone else.  If I can't comprehend that God has forgiven me for every awful thing I said or did - then I can't forgive someone else.  I have prayed for my enemies even when I didn't want to.  It probably went something like this: "God, I really don't want to pray for her, but please help me to forgive her and please heal etc..." God will work all things to good for those who love Him, and He may just use this to bring those watching closer to Him.  Because, truly, it will all be His doing. 

If you want to save your marriage, or even if you don't want to, God will work through you.  He will change you as you pray for your spouse and He will change them!  But you have to give Him ALL of you.  I am in constant prayer now with God, He has changed my life and I don't know how or why I ever did things without Him.  Your life can change for the better and all you have to do is ask Him.  He will lead you and guide you.  It hurts God deeply to see divorce, in fact the Bible says He hates it. Hate is a very strong word. There really are no "outs" as some are lead to believe. Re-read the story when God allowed Moses to grant them divorces. It seems like Satan is really working hard to attack marriages today.  It is all too easy to pull things out of the past and old feelings up and technology has made it so simple to feed this.  I pray each of you will consult God and simply ask Him what He wants you to do and that you will follow Him.  It will be worth the pain in the end - this life is about God, not us.  And until we realize that  - I believe life is even harder. 

Lord, I pray over each of the people who will read this posting, Father I pray that they will find their hope in you and I pray that they will at least ask for your guidance in their lives before they make a decision to walk away.  Lord, you asked Hosea to do the impossible with Gomer.  If you can do that I know you can work in marriages where all feels hopeless.  Lord, lead, guide and direct them.  Show them your love and mercy that they will be able in turn to show their spouse who you are.  I pray for mission marriages for your Kingdom Lord!  In Jesus precious name. Amen.