Up to Discussions in Relationship Challenges
888 Views 8 Replies Last post: Nov 5, 2009 12:57 PM by super7 RSS
super7 Community Member
super7
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Oct 30, 2009
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Oct 30, 2009 3:39 PM

Help for deciding what to do about abusive husband

I have been married for almost 5 years. This is my second marriage. My first husband was an abuser and I left. I have a 16 year old from the previous marriage and I have a 2 year old with my second husband. My husband comes from a very disfunctional and possibly abusive background. He seems to have a very co-dependent relationship with his siblings and his divorced for 15 years and still bickering parents. He puts them ahead of our home and family constantly. I have tried to discuss this with him at least a million times. He tells me that I am being a control freak and that I refuse to compromise. He says that all our problems are my fault and that I think I am better than him and that I talk down to him. I very much want a happy and healthy christian home and family.

 

On Tuesday I asked if he was planning to move his entire family in with us until they got their lives straight.I thought it was a legitimate question, although it could have been put better. His father and 19 year old sister lost their home due not making a plan or doing anything about it(irresponsible,immature) and the sister was staying with us. He flew into a rage, threatened to physically beat me to a pulp, ordered me to get my stuff and get out of our house, blocked the door for me to be able to get back into the house (we were having this conversation as we were taking the trash to the curb) told me to back up or he would knock my head off. Once I did get into the house with him following me screaming to get out I tried to phone my mom to come get me and he tore the phone out of the wall. At this point he started screaming that he was going to kill me. I went downstairs to tell my daughter to get ready and get in the car and to get my toddler dressed and he followed me still threatening to kill me and blocking my way to the upstairs and the car. He turned on his step daughter (my child)and told her it was all her fault and told her he would kill me all the while throwing his fists around and blocking access to the exit. I picked up the phone and dialed 911 because at this point I was terrified. He ripped the phone from my hands and destroyed it then proceeded to run upstairs to the only other telephone in the house and rip it out of the wall. He did however calm down as soon as he was aware that the police would come. It should not take that to be rational. Unfortunately or fortunately the police were not able to do anything as he had not actually hit me and we were advised to go to our separate areas of the home to calm down and to stay away from each other until we could talk reasonably. We have yet to be able to do so. I can file a Restraint against him and force him away from my home and my family and at this point I feel that is the safest alternative but I am still praying and reflecting on it because it will tear my family apart and it is not something that can be undone.

 

This is the second threat of violence in the 9 years we have been dating/engaged/ married. The first was over a year ago. I have been a victim before and will not be one again. I approached my husband about his behavior and he still insists that all the problems are my fault. I think he has issues from his upbringing and possibly other emotional or mental problems and I wish he would see that he is destroying his family and his life. He is behaving the same as his father and his brother , both of whom have been left by their wives. My husband's mother left the family when he was 13 and he resents all women for this. He refuses to acknowledge his personal responsibility to himself or anyone else.

 

I love this man and I love my family. I want to help him but I realize that I can do no more for him. He should see that his behavior and his attitude are the problems not my desire to have a reasonable and responsible spouse and father. I am praying for an answer . I am praying that God will open his heart and help him realize that he needs help. I do not want to leave my marriage but if I file and have him put under arrest I will no longer have that choice. Any advise is welcome.

Tags: abuse, communication, spouse, boundaries
AnnFOTF Focus Employee
AnnFOTF
419 posts since
Jul 12, 2007
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1. Oct 30, 2009 4:44 PM in response to: super7
Re: Help for deciding what to do about abusive husband

Dear super7,

 

Thank you for sharing so freely.  We can sense the tension that's been building in your home, and know how frightening this recent episode must have been for you.  It sounds like you love your husband and truly want the best for your family, but are torn about what to do in response to this dangerous behavior.

 

We care about you, dear friend, and we sincerely want to help.  With this in mind, we urge you or anyone else in a similar situation to call and speak with one of our counselors.  They are compassionate Christian therapists who can talk through your specific situation with you and offer professional guidance. 

 

Praying earnestly for you and your family. 

 

With care,

 

Ann

Forum Moderator

JimVFOTF Focus Employee
JimVFOTF
244 posts since
Jun 1, 2007
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2. Nov 2, 2009 4:55 PM in response to: super7
Re: Help for deciding what to do about abusive husband

Dear super7,

I want to personally greet you and repeat AnnFOTF’s invitation for you to call our counselors.  I am praying for your husband to realize his need for help.  Things were escalating dangerously before the police arrived last Tuesday.  I shudder to think of what might have happened that evening if you had not dialed 911.

 

Staying safe does not mean that you are leaving your marriage or tearing your family apart.  Some families just need a cooling off period, so that, with outside help, they can get things back to a state of mutual respect.

 

Contact a pastor or counselor (lay or professional) for assistance.  Lasting harmony in your home requires both of you to understand the concerns of the other, as well as ways to safely work through the emotions that get stirred up. Peacemaking for Families, by Ken Sande with Tom Raabe, is a helpful resource.

 

Jim, Ph.D.

Focus on the Family Counselor

super7 Community Member
super7
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Oct 30, 2009
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3. Nov 3, 2009 6:31 AM in response to: JimVFOTF
Re: Help for deciding what to do about abusive husband
Thank you for your responses and advice. I have been talking to our family couselor. I am still at home. We are not speaking and avoiding one another. I attempted to talk to him a few days ago but he just kept insisting that it is all my fault. He says I am a control freak and that I want eveything my way. I have been trying to show him that it is not MY way but God's way. he refuses to listen and or change. He needs help but I am losing hope that he will seek it. This is a miserable situation and ignoring one another is definately not a long time solution. He mostly just stays out until after me and the kids have gone to bed. I am sleeping on the floor in my toddlers room. I think that talking to him is pointless because he will simply yell at me and start telling me that he is the man and I will do things his way.He neglects to say what his way is. According to his behavior it seems that his way is for him to act like a child and "do what he wants" regardless of anyone else. This is immature and irresponsible. I am staying here and hoping for a solution but I am unsure what I should do to bring one about. I do not want to open myself or my family to abuse , verbal or physical, so for now it is just easier and safer to avoid him entirely. He leaves every time there is an opportunity to talk. Meaning if the kids are away or asleep and we can discuss things without them hearing it all, he's gone. This shows me that he has no desire to reconcile this situation and gives me very little hope for our marriage. I feel as if I am hanging on to a sinking ship. I am asking for prayers at this time for me and my children and for my husband to see that his behavior is not christian.
super7 Community Member
super7
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Oct 30, 2009
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4. Nov 4, 2009 6:57 AM in response to: super7
Re: Help for deciding what to do about abusive husband

Just an update.

He leaves the house and then calls me 5 minutes later to tell me he has not paid the rent.So on top of everything else I assume we will be evicted. I only work part time because that is all I could find and it will not pay the rent.

Last night he was actually home when I got in from work. He did not say a word to me and then left as soon as I started to get our toddler ready for her bath. Again he calls 5 minutes after walking out the door.

This time he asked if I really had nothing to say to him. I took this as him telling me this whole situation is my fault, as if I should feel guilty for not speaking to him. I told him I had already said what I had to say and that I had nothing further to add. This is true. I also told him that I saw no point in talking to him about it as he would just get angry and accuse me of being at fault for everything. Then he asked me if I was done trying. I feel as if he is trying to lay a guilt trip on me. I do feel bad about not speaking to him but he can not control his anger and that is scary. Also he is really hung up on one of us being at fault. I wish he would understand that we are BOTH responsible for our actions. Unfortunately his actions have been violent and his mindset on the entire thing seems very skewed. I still firmly believe that he needs outside help to deal with his personal issues. He seems to think that everything is my fault and that is disturbing because it makes me question myself.

 

I am looking to God for the answers. I pray for Him to show me what to do and for him to help me to act as a Christian. Sometimes I get angry and my thoughts turn bitter towards my husband and I am trying to fight that. I am still sleeping in the toddlers bedroom. My husband said I didn't have to, as if it was his choice for me to stay away from him! I told him I was aware that I did not HAVE to sleep in there that it was my choice. He then told me that I could talk to him whenever I felt like it. I told him I would take that into consideration. I do not know what to do. I know that we have to discuss things in order to reach a resolution but I am afraid to and I know it will be unpleasant. I know I am not at fault for his behavior and I also believe he will not be accountable for what has happened. Even the small things he says to me seem to lay guilt at my door. I pray that he will seek help or advice from someone. I feel I can not help him.Any suggestion from me that he needs assistance is taken as me berating him.  I need some advice on how to handle the situation.Please!

super7 Community Member
super7
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Oct 30, 2009
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5. Nov 5, 2009 8:22 AM in response to: JimVFOTF
Re: Help for deciding what to do about abusive husband

I have been reading many posts in this forum and reading alot of the conflict and marital advice posted on this website. I have also looked into several books and resources listed here.

 

I have pretty much come to the conclusion that I do not respect my husband and that this is a large part of our problems. I am not sure at this point what I can do about it. I want to respect him but his behavior and reluctance to accept responsibility for himself and his actions is making that very difficult for me. I still have not spoken to him. Right now I do not know what to say. I do not want to apologise because I think he would take that as me taking responsibility for what has happened. I do not like the state of our relationship and I know it will be up to me to do something about it, but I am confused as to what to do. I can not go to him and tell him that I think he needs to seek help. This would be disrespectful. He refuses to acknowledge that what he did was wrong, he refuses to see that his behavior is not helping the situation, he refuses any idea that this is not entirely my fault and my responsibility and that leaves me with little or nothing to say to him about it. How do I show respect for him when I do not have any? How do I reach out to resolve conflict with him when he pulls away? I fear his anger and possible violence. I fear that I will make it worse instead of better. I do think he needs to seek a couselor or male mentor to resolve things in his past. I do not feel that I can help him there. I almost want to refuse to speak to him without a third party present. I know that is somewhat ridiculous.

 

He has been irresponsible finnancially. He has left all aspects of running our household and family in my hands. I resent this. He does not pay bills or take care of the home. His only interest seems to be in going out, which we can not afford. I am left to cook, clean, take care of the kids alone. I am left with piles of bills I can not afford to pay. How do I respect him when he leaves this for me to deal with? He does the same thing his father does....leaves it up in the air until it falls apart and then walks away. Why doesn't he see that that gets nowhere? It is very frustrating.He is supposed to be the man of the house but he acts like a spoiled teenager rebeling against his parents. I am not his mother. This is not what I am supposed to do.

 

My mother told me the other day that I am the only person aware of what is going on that doesn't realize this marriage is over. That is disheartening but I wonder if she is right? I still love my husband very much. I want my marriage very badly. I hope that it is God's will for us to work this out. I have my doubts. I am trying to put my trust in the Lord and hand this over to Him. It is hard. Please pray for me and my family.

jbj Community Member
jbj
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Nov 4, 2009
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6. Nov 5, 2009 9:19 AM in response to: super7
Re: Help for deciding what to do about abusive husband
There may be many people who may tell you they know how you feel but only you and the Lord know that.  I have been through two marriages that were the same as you are describing.  The first one was the father of my three children and lasted 18 years.  The escalation that you are describing is all too familiar to me and brings to mind many occasions where I too felt trapped, alone, scared, and through all of those feelings still insistied (to myself mostly) that I still loved him.  After he tore all of the muscles loose from my left arm one night while twisting it to keep me from calling 911 a still small voice told me through my pain that that was enough.  The Lord does not intend for his children to experience what you are.  The first and formost person you need to think about is your daughter.  My chidren were the ones who even though this was their father and they were young at the time came to me and told me THEY wanted out before he killed them or me (he was also physically and verbally abusive to them as well).  I waited another six months after the arm incident and during that time I avoided any confortation with him whatsoever.  I prayed continuously.  My family was of little help because he had convinced them that all of this was my fault and I was making it up about the arm---he tried to convince them that I did it while trying to hit him!!!  I saved what money I could and finally got the courage to ask him to leave.  Which I know was God's intervention.  We did divorce and it was very ugly because of our prominence in the town where we lived.  I was made to appear to be the jaded lady which the only person it mattered to me who thought anything about this already knew the truth.  It was God who gave me the answers and the courage I needed and as long as He (and of course He always does--dah) knew my heart and the truth nothing else mattered except the safety of my children.  I literally walked away from everything.  My home, vehicles, money, social status----everything.  I received an 8,0000.00 settlement and he took everything else.  I did have my children during the week and he had them on weekends.  I supported them without any financial help from him.  He later remarried and has done the same thing to his second wife I am told.  My children are all out of the house and all stopped going to his house when they turned 18 and did not have to anymore and have very minimal contact with them  In fact he beat my youngest daughter into the closet on her 18th birthday because he did not like the person she was dating (which now 4 years later she is marrying and is a wonderful man) and my son who was 16 at the time pulled him off of her and threatened to call the police if he ever even raised his voice to her again.  My son now is a straight A student in college and is a wonderful christian young man.  My oldest is on her own and doing well.  Sucess can come out of tradgedy----if you continue to stay you will continue to believe satan's lies that this is your fault and even eventually may feel like you deserve the treatment.  There are women's shelters alll over the country that you can go to and they will help you get a new identy and will protect you.  He cannot find you there.  The Lord teaches us to flee from the devial and when a human being acts as he is he is as close to the devil as you ever want to get..  You ware in my prayers.  I do so hope this give you some hope of better things to come.  Listen to your heart not your mother and friends.
sunshine7 Community Member
sunshine7
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Nov 2, 2009
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7. Nov 5, 2009 10:11 AM in response to: super7
Re: Help for deciding what to do about abusive husband

Hello...as i read your Post i had flash back to my childhood. My dad was Very Abusive...I  was constantly between my mom and dad to protect her...He would come at her

with a knife...i would get in front of my mom....Everynight i went to bed with them screeming at each other.  When he got mad he was Totally out of Control and it was hard on

us kids. My mom tossed him out twice and she left twice...they loved each other but couldn't live with each other...What a Number it did to us girls...my middle was in hospital a

couple of times because of stomach issues....I feared my dad coming home as you Never knew when he would explode.  I married my X because i Loved him but i had to get out

of the house. My X was a quite man compared to my dad  we had a good marriage for 36 years then the 37 th came and he decided he wanted a women ten years younger who he worked with ...and would not stop adutrey.  I almost didn't marry him because he was a catholic and i was a born again christian girl....he said he loved God...But at the

end he didn't and he Hurt me more than my dad ever did.  I tell you this, I hope you will understand your children's side of it...They are children, I loved my dad and mom..and divorce was something that was a no no....but as i look back i wished they had seperated much earlier as it was hard to do  homework....study in school  My emotions were up and down. I know what it is like to Tossed across a room and hit the wall hard....i know what it is like to see my mother strangled and i pulled him off her...I know what it is like to have the police come to the house...and the neighbors heard the yelling....i was embrassed...I loved Both of my parents and did Not want them divorced,  but now threw Grown Up Eyes i wish they had seperated lived in different houses and got into counsiling....but i was a child but believe me it HURT ....good news is my dad gave his life to Christ three years  before he died...Praise the Lord for His goodness.....my mom died at a very early age and is with Jesus also....I had a peaceful home but in the end my X-tore me up bad inside...But I have a God that will Never Leave Me or Forsake me.....Who brings us all threw our brokenness....had surgery during divorcess process and doctor thought it was

cancer but by His Grace i came threw....What a wonderful Lord we have....And He will help You and your children threw this...stay close to God in His Word and Prayer. and

Please for Your Safety and your KIDS  GET OUT OF THAT HOUSE IF YOU FEEL YOU ARE IN DANGER....SOMEONE THAT LOVES YOU DOESN'T HURT YOU HE NEEDS HELP AND YOU NEED PROTECTION

I WILL BE PRAYING FOR YOU.

 

Message was edited by: Moderator

super7 Community Member
super7
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Oct 30, 2009
Currently Being Moderated
8. Nov 5, 2009 1:05 PM in response to: sunshine7
Re: Help for deciding what to do about abusive husband

jbj and sushine7....

 

Thank you so much for responding and for sharing your experiences with me. My faith is strenghthened simply by knowing that the Lord got you through your situations.

 

I can feel your concern for our safety coming out of these posts in waves~thank you. I do feel that we are safe for the moment~as long as I do not rock the boat. I do not feel confused about the love I have for my husband. I choose a wonderful man to marry, he just is having some difficulty dealing with himself. I hope that he will seek help and if he does not I will have no choice but to leave the house. I understand this.I have had to make the choice to leave before with my first husband and I have no doubt that was the best thing to do. I am sure that Jesus will guide me at this time and I am turning it over to His supreme wisdom. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers and the encouragement!!

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