Hi mayflower~I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter's news that she feels she's gay. It's always tough to know how best to respond in these type of situations, and we've heard from a number of other parents with similar questions. In fact, there have been a couple recent posts here and here that you might want read through if you haven't already. There's a lot of great material out there for people in your position. So, if you have the time, take a look at the links/articles/referrals that were offered in those threads. I really think they could be helpful to you.

     Also, as we've mentioned in other messages, please feel free to call one of counselors to get some input. They could certainly advise you here.

     Well, mayflower, please know you'll be in my prayers. I hope some others who have been in your shoes can give you some suggestions here. Until then, keep us posted on how you're doing, ok? Blessings!
Jessica

Forum Moderator

I implore you to consider carefully your actions in this situation. It is my wish to ask you a question, which you need only answer to yourself. Would you be considering any such response if your daughter's sins were different. If, perhaps, she were fornicating with men at school, or drinking to excess, or were she merely guilty of jealousy towards a classmate. All these, and more, are sins as enumerated in the Bible, and yet Jesus has said that he will forgive these sins, almost all sins. The verse below is a quote from Jesus stating that he will forgive all sin, excepting blasphemy against the Holy Spirit.

My point is simple, your daughter, like myself, and yourself, and every living person today, is a sinner. In some cases the nature of the sin requires that society be protected from it, such as theft and murder, though we generally think of these as crimes rather than sins. In this case however, I think it is unlikely that your daughter will force anyone to join her in homosexuality, especially her own family. Therefore, I presume to say that her sin is a sin against God, and she will have to talk to God in seeking her life's path.

On the other hand, explaining to your sons why they can no longer see their sister has the potential to backfire, I personally was very close to my sister as a child and would have fought back against any effort to keep us apart. It is impossible to shield yourself and your children from every potential bad influence, and to do so in this case may cause more grief than it does good.

In my family, there is much religious disagreement, I have simply decided that the best thing I can do is to continue loving them, and hope that God will touch their hearts someday. In the meantime, I still enjoy the togetherness of family, and in my opinion we are all happier for it.

Wishing you all the best.

-Ty

In Matthew 12:31-32, Jesus says to the Pharisees,

"Therefore I say to you, every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven men, but the blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven men. Anyone who speaks a word against the Son of Man, it will be forgiven him; butwhoever speaks against the Holy Spirit, it will not be forgiven him, either in this age or in the age to come" (NKJV, emphasis added).

Thank you for continuing the discussion, mayflower.  We know what a painful time you're going through, and we appreciate your honesty.  We've asked our gender issues analyst Melissa Fryrear to share some thoughts ~ we hope her message will encourage you.

Dear Mayflower,

I understand it probably feels devastating to learn that your daughter is involved in homosexuality. Having ministered to hundreds of parents over the last fifteen years dealing with the same heartache, I know these are such difficult waters to maneuver for everyone in your family.

Issues related to homosexuality are certainly very personal for me as well. In my pre-teen years I struggled intensely with my sexuality. I stepped into my first lesbian relationship when I was in high school and for ten years I lived homosexually. I had dozens of relationships with women through those years and was active in the local gay and lesbian community where I lived. Because of God’s forgiving and transforming grace, today I am a conservative, evangelical Christian woman and heterosexual. I also have the privilege to serve as the director of Focus on the Family’s Gender Issues Department. It probably comes as no surprise then why I have such a keen interest in issues surrounding homosexuality, especially as those issues relate to Christian families.

Through the years I have seen Christians respond to this issue in both right way and wrong ways. Those who respond in the wrong way do so by either forfeiting truth or forfeiting grace. In other words, some Christians lean so heavily toward God’s truth that they lack any compassion for those who struggle with same-sex attraction. Or other Christians lean so heavily toward God’s grace that they abandon the biblical mandate regarding sexual behavior. Both of these extreme responses are less than ideal. There is a better response and Jesus Christ, of course, provides the perfect example. You may recall in John’s gospel that he describes Jesus as being full of both truth and grace (John 1:14). I believe this is the best response—balancing both truth and grace.

When a Christian parent learns their adult child is involved homosexually, I believe the parent has the right, and the responsibility, to explain to their child what they believe about sexuality and sexual behavior.*  At Focus on the Family we believe in what we call the biblical sexual ethic, meaning the only form of sexual behavior consistently affirmed throughout Scripture is the sexual union between a man and a woman within a monogamous heterosexual marriage. (For example, a Christian parent would have the same concern for their child if (s)he were involved sexually with someone of the opposite sex outside of marriage because it too falls outside the biblical sexual ethic.)  If you’ve shared with your daughter what you believe, trust me, she won’t forget. I’ve seen a lot of parents strive in their own strength to try to convince their son or daughter of God’s truth. They bring up the issue in every conversation, leave articles on their child’s bedroom dresser when they’re home for the holidays or send books in the mail with pages cornered and paragraphs highlighted. What the parent ends up doing, though, is badgering their child. Personally, I’ve never known anyone who was badgered out of living homosexually. Communicating intellectual arguments alone, even though rooted in God’s Word, do not change a person’s belief system—much less their heart—especially if that person is emotionally invested in what they believe. Our responsibility as Christians is to present God’s truth lovingly, complement those efforts with prayer and then hope for the power of God’s Holy Spirit to divinely open their eyes and their hearts to His truth.

My parents learned I was living the gay lifestyle when I was nineteen. Needless to say, they were so hurt and disappointed; and of course they could never approve of my involvement in homosexuality. And they did something else that was equally important—they loved me unconditionally, through all the years I lived homosexually. The love and grace they showed me never negated their beliefs about my immoral sexual behavior. In fact, it was their unconditional love that was one of the catalysts that eventually drew me out of homosexuality. Indeed God’s Word is true when it says, “…God's kindness leads you toward repentance…” (Romans 2:4). I know this was true in my own life.

Given the complexity of this struggle and the wide range of situations that may arise, two books you might find especially helpful are When Homosexuality Hits Home by Joe Dallas and Someone I Love is Gay by Anita Worthen and Bob Davies.

I’d also like to tell you about Exodus International, a Christian ministry that works closely with Focus. Exodus is the world’s premier ministry helping families and individuals affected by homosexuality. Exodus, and its network of referral ministries, offer family support groups, resources and conferences and seminars throughout the country. You can learn more about Exodus on their Web site.

Melissa~

More of Melissa's story can be found here on our CitizenLink Web site. Also, for anyone struggling with same-sex attraction or with the news that a loved one is involved in the homosexual lifestyle, our counselors are available to listen and pray with you. Please don't hesitate to call.