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802 Views 5 Replies Last post: Nov 4, 2009 1:16 AM by katon29 RSS
katon29 Community Member
katon29
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Aug 13, 2009
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Nov 2, 2009 1:26 PM

Hard Times

My husband was just in a car accident almost a week ago now.  He is still in the hospital and should be going home tomorrow.  My husband will be on complete and total bed rest for 4 to 6 weeks.  He can't sit up or even get up out of bed for any reason for 4 to 6 weeks.  My husband needs 24 hour care for those 4 to 6 weeks and I also have a 7 month old baby and a 3 year old.  Since my husbands accident almost a week ago, I have been in the hospital almost every day, all day.  My children have been past off from person to person.  I finally got go days with my kids since the accident and my mother in law is telling me how my husband need me at the hospital.  I know my husband needs me, but my children need me too and I can't be at two places at the same time.  Who's needs come first, my husbands or the children?
Tags: communication
JGLord Community Member
JGLord
23 posts since
Oct 22, 2009
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1. Nov 2, 2009 4:16 PM in response to: katon29
Re: Hard Times
I am told that G-d only places upon us that which he knows we can deal with, he does this to strengthen us and forge a better person. Your hard times seem now as the end of the world but they are not out of this good can come. Listen to your mother in law and let her watch the children. when you can't take them with you. They will in many ways understand. Set aside your feelings of guilt you are simply wife and mother. My prayers I offer for your husbands quick healing but for you strength peace and serenity of mind so you may find strength and hope in what now seems a hopeless and trying time. Many will offer help accept it with grace and thank you. This I can promise you there is light at the end of this tunnel but remember things will have changed and be prepared for that.  May you be blessed and comforted this time of trouble.
katon29 Community Member
katon29
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Aug 13, 2009
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2. Nov 2, 2009 9:41 PM in response to: JGLord
Re: Hard Times

It's not that I won't let my mother-in-law take the children.  She didn't want the children at this moment because she wants to rest.  I have seen my children next to zero times in 4 days and they don't understand what is going on, all they know is that they have not seen mommy or daddy in days.  They have been bounced around from person to person, from house to house.  I just wanted to spend a couple of days with my kids.  He always has someone with him at the hospital, so its not like he is ever alone and he had told me to take a little break to stay with the kids.

 

We are staying at my In-laws, who live about 30 minutes from us, because they have a bigger home to accommodate the hosptial bed and everything else we need for my husband for the next 4-6 weeks.

I was going to stay at my in-laws for about a week or two, then go to my house for a couple of nights or so, with day visits.  I was going to go back and forth like that for the 4-6 weeks for the kids sake of being in the comfort of their own home and their own beds every now and then.  I think my mother-in-law acts like I am going to put my husband on the back burner.  My 3 years old got home sick the last time we stayed at their house for about a week or more.  Their house is not at all child proof and I don't think they attend to do so, so my kids need to be watched very closely at all times.  My mother-in-law keeps telling me that my husband is going to want me and he is going to need me, as if I am not going to be their for him.  I do have children who also need me and I can not put them on the back burner either.  I have to meet both my childrens and my husbands needs, not just on or the other.  She acts like my husbands needs are more important than the childrens, and I am not saying his needs are not important, but I think that both needs are equal important to meet.

 

So, am I wrong by wanting to go home for a couple of days every now and then for the children's sake?  If I didn't have two very young children I would glady stay at their house for the full 4-6 weeks without going home.

Kayci Community Member
Kayci
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Mar 24, 2008
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3. Nov 3, 2009 6:22 AM in response to: katon29
Re: Hard Times

Right now, I can only imagine what your children are going through as well.  This is a very scary and worrisome time.  It really does sound like you are there for your husband.  You should also fit in time for your children.  Do not feel guilty for doing so.  I know if I were in the hospital, of course, I'd want my husband there but I'd also want him to spend lots of time with the children.  In fact, I was in the hospital almost a week and I was insistant that my husband spend a lot of time with our son.

 

(((hugs))) and prayers for your husband and family.

SunnyFOTF Focus Employee
SunnyFOTF
183 posts since
Nov 7, 2008
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4. Nov 3, 2009 10:15 AM in response to: katon29
Re: Hard Times

Oh katon29,

 

I'm so sorry that your family is going through such a tough time! I'll definitely be praying along with JGLord and Kayci for your entire family. I don't think there's any "right" answer to your dilemma about how to divide your time and energy...the answer to the question "whose needs come first" may change from moment to moment, and be sure to include yourself in that list. I know your heart is to care for your husband and children first, but please be sure to take care of yourself too. I agree with JGLord...try not to feel guilty (I know that's incredibly hard). You are human and there's only so much you can do. Definitely get as much help as you can, and try not to let other's expectations put additional pressure on you.

 

When your husband is feeling stronger and is settled at your in-laws, maybe you can talk with him about your schedule, what your thoughts are about being there vs. being home, all that stuff. I think if you and your husband are in agreement and get into a groove, it may become a little easier on you. After all, no one knows what your family needs better than the two of you. If it gets overwhelming or you just need to talk to someone, give our counselors a call. Even if it seems you don't have the time, it can help so much to unload some of that burden, you know?

 

Please keep us updated on how you're doing, katon29. May God give you strength and grace in abundance, and may He bring healing to your husband. Know that He cares deeply for each of you, and that He's with you.

 

Sunny

Forum Moderator 

katon29 Community Member
katon29
15 posts since
Aug 13, 2009
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5. Nov 4, 2009 6:34 AM in response to: Kayci
Re: Hard Times

I had talk to my husband about being back and forth between home and his mothers and he seems to understand and to be ok with it.  I did tell him also that if I happened to be at our home at a moment with the kids and he felt like he really wanted or needed me at his mom that night that I would change plans and be there at his moms that night instead.

 

Just nights before the accident I was also working on my son, 7 months old, to quit taking a bottle in the middle of the night.  He has still never slept though the night and can wake up to 3 times to eat in the middle of night.  The only way to break him of that is to let him cry.  I had him starting to sleep though the night and starting to give up his bottles.  Because of the accident, I have not had him for 4 nights at least and everything got thrown off.  He was given bottles in the middle of the night again while I was gone, mostly because my 3 year old daughter and him have to sleep in the same room and the babysitter can't let him cry himself to sleep if they share a room due to the fact that he will keep my daughter up all night.  At my in-laws, when I stay there, the kids sleep in the same room.  I don't know if I can put them in different rooms, and even if so, I can't let him cry all night anyway if he is going to keep my husband awake either.  They only way I am going to get him to sleep with a bottle is by letting him cry himself to sleep - and that means no rest for anyone in the house, not just me.

 

My daughter never went to bed with a cup before my son was born, but after he was born she had to sleep with a cup or she would sit up in bed screaming until she got one.  Being that I was dealing with a newborn at the time, I just gave her the sippy cup so I could try to get sleep when I was able.  My son is 7 months, so she has now been sleeping with a cup for 7 months now and she can wake-up up to three time in the middle of the night for a drink refill.  Even if I don't give her the refill, I still have to get up to tell her no, she has to wait until morning.  So between the two kids, for 7 months, I get up 6 times in the middle of the night still (More often when he was a newborn of course)  I had again, just nights before the accident, gotten my 3 year old daughter to sleep all night without waking for drinks in the middle of the night.  Again, that got thrown off due to me not being there and the kids sharing a room and not wanting to wake the other.  I don't know if I will be able to get them to sleep thought the night without bottles or cups until we completely move back to home again, which will be January - February.  My son will then be 10 or 11 months old and my daughter almost 3 1/2 years.  Not only is the bottle and cup in the middle of the nights causing lack of sleep, but both of the kids also wake up soaking wet though the diapers.  I change and wash pajamas and bedding every morning and kids need bath in the mornings.  I want to cut the bottle and cup again, but I don't know how it is going to work the the current situation, especially if the kids had to share a room.  And if my mother-in-law is dealing with them at night, she will not deal with the crying to sleep deal either, because she needs her sleep.  Please, anyone with any good advice, please share.

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