Up to Discussions in Relationship Challenges
7,612 Views 83 Replies Last post: Dec 29, 2009 8:18 PM by merciful2320 RSS Go to original post 1 2 3 4 5 6 Previous Next
ErikaFOTF Focus Employee
ErikaFOTF
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45. Oct 30, 2009 3:06 PM in response to: merciful2320
Re: Where to go from here?

Dear merciful2320,

 

I'm so sorry to hear you and your husband's fun date night ended in sadness.  I'm glad that pouring your heart out on this forum is helpful, and I just wanted to hop on for a moment and let you know that I read each of your posts and pray for you at that time, as I'm sure many others are doing, as well.  Please don't be hard on yourself that you are still experiencing heartbreak over what has happened in your marriage.  Healing will not come overnight, but in small, slow increments.  It sounds like you are learning to lean on the Lord more than ever, which is exactly what He wants you to do.  I will pray that the Lord continues to fill the empty places in your heart with His strength, peace, and comfort.  I leave you with these encouraging words...

 

     Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 

     Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart,

     and you will find rest for your souls. 

~ Matthew 11:28-29 ~

Erika

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merciful2320 Community Member
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46. Nov 2, 2009 7:04 AM in response to: ErikaFOTF
Re: Where to go from here?

Thanks You for your prayers!  I still struggle with dealing with my emotions.  At our counseling session this week my husband saw my brokenness over how I feel  over the fact that I can't communicate with him.  He says that he will try hard to push his feelings aside and not be mad, but I have little faith that his change will be be perment because he has promised this before.  I find it hard to feel any true feelings of love from him.  He has bought me flowers several times, left little note, cards, and candy since all this has happened.  I longed for that attention before and still feel that I deserve it, but it doesn't feel good now.  I even get frustrated sometimes when I get something form him.  I want to be close to him, but feel that I am not letting go or something and find it very hard to feel close to him.  In the past couple of weeks I have realized that the affair is not the biggest problem that we have, it is our communication and respect for one another.  With this realization I realized I loved him completely before this all happened regardless of all the fighting, now I find it hard to love him.  I just don't know what to do now.  I want to feel the way I did but with my eyes completely open.  I fear that I will never be able to feel that way.  I don't want to be in a marriage that is loveless.  So I struggle each day with finding love.  I have been able to relax enough to begin to enjoy and laugh at times with him.

 

The other thing that I am struggling with is since my husband had an affair with a woman at church each week gets harder to go to church.  The past 3 weeks we have had sick kids and have not gone, and now today now excuse except I don't want to go so I am not.  I know that it is not the wise decision, but I feel less connected with everyone there as time goes on and more angry with her every time I see her.  My husband and I have talked about visiting another church but I am afraid.  Because of issues at our old church it took me a long time to let my gaurd down to realize that I was not allowing myself to feel at church.  I don't want to be without a church home, because my children need it as well as I.  So I don't know if we should leave or wait it out.  Just need prayer.

bleedingout Community Member
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47. Nov 4, 2009 6:26 AM in response to: merciful2320
Re: Where to go from here?

One day,

 

My prayers are with you.

 

Father, you are our shelter in time of trouble and our everpresent friend.  You never leave or forsake us.  Thank you for holding our hands on this unintended journey.  I know you desire us to be more like Jesus, your son and to grow through our turmoil.  It is in these times that we have nothing to hold onto except you that we can see you for who you really are.  Thank you for loving one day and creating her as one of your priceless treasures.  You know that she is embedded in a sea of pain and loneliness and she needs loving arms around her.  Provide her with the gift of knowing she is so beautiful and precious.  Her heart is in pain but you will carry her through it the entire way.  Let her know she is lifted up by those of us who understand her pain and torture.  Give her a desire for you that obliterates all of her "feelings".  Allow her to process them and begin to heal.  I pray especially for her H.  Lord, allow him to begin to see the brokeness of his relationship with you and to experience the pain that he has caused.  Only through walking through it can he begin to reconcile with his bride.  Lord, she doesn't feel like a bride but you can change that.

 

Give her wisdom to know where you are drawing her to worship.  If their church home is now a casualty of the infidelity, make it clear to her and her husband.  Show them where you would have them to go.  If you want them to remain, give her a body of Christ that can help her heal and her H to heal.  If this is another loss, comfort her through the grieving process.

 

Show her your mercy and grace.

 

Amen.

 

One day,

 

I read a book today called Unfaithful by Gary and Mona Shriver.  It was very quick reading because it was my story and yours.  It would help you I think.  They are a couple who are now 10 years past the infidelity and they are honest and open about the process it took to heal them.  Her husband had an affair with someone in their church and it so closely relates to our stories that it could have been mine, word for word, except I am still embroiled in the pain and only 2 1/2 months into this journey.  They talk about their relationship as having three eras:  before the affair, during the affair, and after the revelation.  It is hard to regain those feelings when we feel we no longer know the person we married and like we were fooled all these years by a substitute that we never would have chosen.

 

I don't believe that I could have even made it to today, if I relied on my feelings.  Most days I feel like I am either detached or crazy.  I feel like I am observing my life from the outside and everyone else is normal but me.

 

I believe that a large issue we are having resides with the issue of trust and openness.  I can't begin to reclaim the love if I feel he doesn't truly understand the devasation, is totally willing to be honest and is working hard to allow me to process my feelings.  My H is becoming better about it.  I also understand that I have some part in it in how I react to the new knowledge.  I plan to have my H read the book so he can maybe understand better that the installment plan isn't working and can totally come clean with me.  He just told me tonight that there is more but he wants to wait until he has processed it all himself and can be 100% honest without holding anything back.  Now I feel that I am back waiting for the next bomb.  I know it must be even worse if he can't bring himself to tell me now but has to have more time.  What can it be?  I want to scream!  How can I function knowing the future is even more uncertain and there is bound to be much much more pain.  He has said he is afraid that it will be the end for me.  Now I feel much better!  Let us pray for one another, encouraging one another and bearing one another's burdens.

 

bleedingout

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48. Nov 4, 2009 9:00 PM in response to: bleedingout
Re: Where to go from here?

You have more patience than I do.  A few weeks back my husband told me he had to tell me something else. He told me that he had been thinking of having an affair for some time prior to the actual affair and that he thought of several women.  I was devastated but I pretty much already figured that much.  The thing was I explained that I could not deal with the installment method of his confessions. I gave him an oppotunity to tell me everything.  He said there was nothing else.  I am still not sure I believe that.  I did tell him that when he tells me one thing at a time that it is like starting at the beginning with all the emotions.  So to know that he may be saving something else, something worse for when he is ready would probably drive me nuts.  I am sorry that you are going through this.  I pray that you can continue to find comfort in God.  I am still struggling each day to hand over my everyday problems to Him.  I pray that when he does talk to you that he will give you everything so that you can start the healing process.  It only makes it harder to feel close to them, when know they are holding back or could be holding back.  I am so sorry and I don't even have the words to say to you to give you comfort.

 

God

Please be with bleedingout.  She is in a very difficult spot right now.  Only You know the whole situation, every feeling, hurt and emotion.  I pray that You will show  her Your presence in every step and decision she makes.  Please keep her heart soft to You and her husband so that if it be Your will they can experience reconciliation together and with You as a couple.  I pray that You convict her husbands heart so that he can see her pain and know that the only way to start the healing process is to be completely honest with her.  I pray that You are with them in those moments of confession so that she can discern her husbands true motives and he can see her heart.  Please God be with Bleedingout in every step she makes.

AMEN

merciful2320 Community Member
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49. Nov 6, 2009 11:42 AM in response to: merciful2320
Re: Where to go from here?
We had our counseling session yesterday.  I came to a realization yesterday.  I talked a lot about my frustrations with my husband and my down falls.  I then started talking about how I wanted to be free of the bitterness and pain.  I also explained about how I truly have been seeking God but I know that I haven't given Him complete rein in my life, because I still try to control it.  My pastor took me down a road that led me to the realization.  He asked the two of us if we have ever given ourselves 100% ito someone.  My husband quickly answered no.  I really searched myself and realized yes I had to God at one point and to my husband our entire marriage.  He explained that until you have experienced giving 100% that you will never know the loss of what you are missing.  He pointed to me and told me that he knew I would he the first one in our relationship (my husband and I's) to give 100% and put my own feelings aside.  He told my husband that he wished he was the one to do it but knew he wouldn't and that more than likely after seeing the pain he has caused me and the effort I will put forth that he would eventually give me 100%.  So then he (my pastor) tied it into my relationship with God.  He said you can't give 100% in a marriage with out you giving everything to God and just saying you are done with the bitterness.  I really thought about it and the Love Dare came into my mind and that is exactly what that is all about.  I really desire to put this all behind me and move forward and obviously deal with the emotions that may come but in a Godly manner. So I am praying that in every situation I will make the "Wise" decision.  Not just the decision that looks right or justifiable to others but the wise decision.  So please be praying for me as I come to situations that would normally cause me to be reminded of what happened, that when I come to those situation that I will not react in bitterness but in love.  Please be praying for me.  I do feel a little disappointed in my husband because he still has not really opened up in counseling.  I feel like the pastor is pulling teeth out of him or something.  I wish that he would start feeling differently and seeking Gods will.  But I know that I can not expect anything out of him I just need to get myself right with God and the rest will work itself out to God will.  Thanks for listening.
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50. Nov 6, 2009 12:46 PM in response to: merciful2320
Re: Where to go from here?
You're in my prayers, merciful2320.
bleedingout Community Member
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51. Nov 9, 2009 6:44 AM in response to: merciful2320
Re: Where to go from here?

Merciful,

 

Well, my husband finally ended the torture and finally came completely clean.  Apparently he has also had another sexual relationship with another co-worker who was a client of mine also.  She is only a few years short of my mothers age.  It was devastating.  Then he told me that the first girl had attended more trips with him than he had previously confessed too.  I knew it was hard for him and at the time, I actually had compassion.  But now I have so much rage.  I broke every glass in the house this morning.  And to tell the truth it felt good.  I want to confront her in front of her husband but I don't know if it is a Wise decision but I am tired of everyone else getting off free.

 

My husband feels free because he has finally confessed all.  Now I am carrying his burden.  I feel as if the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I can't have any peace again.  I know God is still here.  What has changed since yesterday?  How can this be any worse?  But I feel like it is.  Now I can't even stomach looking at him and am hurting everyone in the house with my horrible attitude.

 

Pray for me to have a softer heart or clear conscience to leave.  I also found out he was so scared he had begun to look for places to live.  So he says.  I don't know if that is true or if he is on his way out the door.

 

bleedingout

merciful2320 Community Member
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52. Nov 9, 2009 8:11 AM in response to: bleedingout
Re: Where to go from here?

I am so sorry!  Even after going through this myself, I still don't have the words to say that will comfort you.  Each situation is indvidual I do know that.  The pain and rage you are feeling is completely normal.  It will take sometime but there will be less rage.  I felt so angry, that at times I was afraid I was going crazy, I really felt crazy.  I don't know how the rage left me, but it is gone.  I did ask for a lot of prayer and prayed alot for myself.  I prayed even when I knew I was still trying to control the outcome.  I prayed when it hurt the most.  I opened up to those I trust with my worst feelings and allowed them to pray for me even when it seemed foreign.  I am far from healed, I still get angry, I still have pain but the rage is gone.  As for him finally admitting that is great but I understand what you mean about them being free.  I still feel like my husband just doesn't get it because he has nothing hurting him anymore, he has told me everything (at least I think he has, I still doubt) and I am left to bear the burden.  It hurts most when he says he feels closer to God now. He feels closer to God at my expense.  I use to think that a lot but now I know differently. He did not do what he did just to hurt me, he was messed up.  I am messed up.  Our relationship was great or so I thought and now after reviewing, it was very dysfunctional at best!  I carried my own baggage into the relationship as did he.  I know you feel innocent and we are, we never made our husbands go and cheat, but we do have faults that we can work on to be better serve our Lord.  I still struggle daily with compassion and frustration with my husband.  I have been praying that God would give me the wise thing to do.  Sometimes I do the wise thing but other time I don't.  One thing that I have been feeling is that I am selfish.  I don't know if it is true selfishness or if I have never focused much of my attention on myself that I am feeling this way.  I am praying about it.  I would highly recommend trying a Celebrate Recovery meeting.  It is about getting over life's "hurts, habits and hang-ups".  It may feel weird to think that some of them deal with addictions like drugs or ETOH but they all had hurt and hang ups that got them there and this program helps to work through the issues and it is in steps.  If you are like me I need a bread crumb path to show me the direction or steps to take.  I attended my first STEP class last night.  Which is a break off group to work through the steps.  I was really excited when I went there.  Last night we all introduced ourselves and said what brought us there.  Out of 12 only 4 people had a history of drug and ETOH abuse.  Many had similar situation like mine.  I felt a little relieved.  Then several people who had been in it talked about how it changed their lives.  What would have been empowering and hopeful made me scared, I am not sure why but I am praying about it. I do know that this is what I am suppose to be doing.  I think if you look at the core principals of what they teach you will see how every Christian can use this to walk their walk with Christ!  I do wish I had more advice for you but just keep trying to take it moment my moment.  Confide in friends you trust, journal and pray.  Also remember that I am here if you need prayer and you are not alone in how you feel!

 

Dear God

Bleeding out is literally bleeding out!  Her emotions are at times so overwhelming that she feels that she has no control over them.  Although she is thankful that her husband opened up to her the result is immense pain, pain unlike anything we have ever felt.  Give her comfort!  Hold her, let her feel Your presence!  Bring someone into her life that she can feel confident to confide in.  Allow her to realize the only way to heal is to be open with her feelings.  Soften her husband towards her.  I pray that he will not make open ended treats like leaving when she is upset.  Let him be quick to listen and slow to speak.  Please soften her heart towards her husband.  I pray that You will give her overwhelming compassion for him and allow her to discern his true motives for their relationship.  I pray that You be a mighty fortress for her and let her know You are always there, even when we think we don't want You.  Please let her consider the pain You feel when we neglect our relationship with You, when we lie to ourselves or other and how it pains You.   Let her see that so that she can understand compassion more deeply.  I pray that You are with her every moment, let her see it in everyday weather it is noticing how some one opens the door for her or her feeling her heart melt.  Lord we want to thank You for Your patience and love for us.  I am not sure what other things she needs but Lord, You do!  Be with all those unspoken needs and help her work through them!  In Jesus Name!

AMEN

bleedingout Community Member
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53. Nov 11, 2009 4:03 PM in response to: merciful2320
Re: Where to go from here?

Merciful,

 

Thank you for your prayers.  They really did help.  Unfortunately, in my selfishness, I took some actions that I regret.  why in the world did I not rest longer in the Lord.  I confronted the other woman from the recent admission.  I drove to her house and asked her to come out and speak with me for a few minutes.  We have known each other for 7 years.  She knew instantly why I was there.  I told her I wanted to treat her with the respect she hadn't given me and she began to throw my husband under the bus.  it was all his fault,  she didn't know how it happened, he has had many lovers, etc and etc.  It was her only time.....I calmly explained that the bulk of my anger did lie with him and if she had any names to give me, I would gladly make a note.  Of course not.  Then she told me they had never been together...after just saying it was only one time.  God gave me the grace to not lose my temper and have only compasssion and pity.  However, I told her that she had to tell her husband or I would and I wanted her to have a chance first.  How I wish I hadn't made that threat.

 

He called my house that night to thank me for telling him and to ask a million questions about my husband.  her 35 year old daughter (2 years younger than me) called to tell me I had ruined their lives and she hoped I was happy.  Her husband is forcing her to leave and is already speaking with an attorney.  Now I have so much guilt over the havoc I created in her life.  I should have just left after telling her I knew.  Just seeing her face to face made me realize that this really isn't about some physical lack in myself.  She was just an aging woman with loose morals.  It was really sad.  Now I am having a hard time living with the pain I have caused others and I can't undo it.  I didn't realize I would feel this way.  I now am experiencing some of the same emotions my husband feels about his actions.  It has given me greater empathy for him but I now fear for his job and our future, should her husband come after him, not to mention the safety of my family after the threats of her children.

 

I spoke again at length with her husband the next day and tried to suggest that she was really remorseful and as they are Christians, they should seek godly counsel, but he couldn't hear me.  All he could focus on is that my husband is 15 years younger than him and that he could never forgive what she has done.

I am having to give it all to the Lord but I have definitely learned my lesson about trying to extract justice for myself and it will NEVER happen again.  I only hope God can begin a restoration in their lives.  I hate living with what I have done.

 

bleedingout

merciful2320 Community Member
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54. Nov 11, 2009 9:14 PM in response to: bleedingout
Re: Where to go from here?

Bleedingout I am so sorry for what you are going through.  I too confronted the OW.  I was not strong enough to do so in person but did so via Facebook.  I really thought about telling her husband and still consider it on bad days, but I am too afraid I guess.  When I confronted my OW I am not sure what I was thinking, I think I mainly did it to see if she had feelings for him and to assure that she would not pursue my husband.  After the inital confrontations for some reason I felt compelled to minister to her and show God love and then one day I realized I was torturing myself.  For your situation, it may have been the wrong thing to do.  You may regret it forever and may never be able to change the situation.  But out of a negative situation God has already given you empathy, a blessing that can take years in some situations to feel.  If it would make you feel better you could try to apologize and explain you emotions at the time of the confrontation, but I do not think it would make much difference.  I am truly sorry.  Try to take each day one at a time.  After the first month of complete depression I knew I had to take each emotion a day at a time, not worry about what the if's.  Today for example I woke up mad at my husband for not trying to initate intimacy last night.  The whole drive to work I knew I was going to compose this email with accusations.  I then remembered what our pastor said in one of our counseling sessions "What is the wise thing to do?"  So I didn't send the email and thought about myself.  After reviewing how I have been over the past couple of day I realized I was wrong.  Numerous times my husband tried to kiss me, hug me, hold me ect and I would push away out of frustration not really about anything in particular but just general frustration.  So how can I expect him to know when I am ready for affection.  I can't I was sending him all the wrong signals.  So I have to take it a day at time, weather I am mad, sad, or grieving.  The one thing I want more than anything out of all this is complete submission of everything to God.  I don't want to control anything anymore, but each day I struggle to give things over to him, I just keep praying for God's patience and for Him to keep showing me things.  I am so sorry you are going through this.  No matter what happens your husbands job, safety of your family, or your relationship, remember that God always has a purpose for all things even when things look the worst.  You may never know what will happen with the OW and her family, but maybe God will be seen differently in their lives.  Try not to grieve to long on your actions, allow God to forgive you and then forgive yourself.

 

God

Please be with Bleedingout.  She has done things that she is not proud of.  Please forgive her, and allow her to let You take that situation from her and for her to forgive herself.  Please keep her family safe from the impending threats.  Lord for her husbands job let Your will be done, let them see Your path in this situation and have faith that You are guide them.  Despite what has happened I thank You for the Empathy that You have given her, let it be the beginning of the healing process for her.  Allow her to begin to feel what it is like to let go and lean on You.  Please Lord Almighty be with her and her husband as they deal with this and reconciliation.  Please keep working on her husbands heart and soften it.  Let the eyes of his heart see the devastation and pain that his actions produced and please allow him to forever remember what he has done, not in a way that is negative but that he can always know how much he is loved by her, when she chooses to do so.  Lord God there are so many emotions and fears that she is experiencing right now and only You know them.  Please be with her in all those and when she can't express them comfort her!  Lord direct her paths and remind her that You love us always!  AMEN!

bleedingout Community Member
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55. Nov 12, 2009 6:57 AM in response to: merciful2320
Re: Where to go from here?

Merciful,

 

Thank you for your encouragement and prayers.

 

Tonight I am dealing with the old angers and wounds at his betrayal.  I picture him with these women and think about the hours that they spent together.  I feel violated and sick.  I want to curl into a ball and die.

 

I am trying to not dwell in the past but little things pop up.  Tonight I thought about all the phone calls he made while with them to me.  How they must have mocked me.  Him calling the little wifey while they took a break from sexually pleasuring one another.  How can I ever feel like anything is sacred?

 

bleedingout

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56. Nov 12, 2009 8:08 AM in response to: bleedingout
Re: Where to go from here?
These are not old angers and wounds.  They are current and right now in the present. Just because they are old to him and he is done with them does not mean you are.  I had many days like that and still have days like that but they are less frequent.  It did help to ask my husband did they talk about me  or other things I felt.  They may have never talked about you,because of the shame they had.  Sex with someone is not always about intimacy even though that is hard for you and I to understand.  There may have been a relationship too, you will have to explore the depths of your husbands feelings for them completely so you know what you need to forgive him for.  Just admitting he had sex with other women is not enough, you need to know how he felt about them, how they felt about him and other things.  It can be a two edge sword finding out though.  You may get relief for some issues like there may not be emotional attachment, but if he goes into detail about the sexual acts it may haunt you.  I was insistent on know exactly how, where, when, and what happened.  I wanted every detail.  Then the picture was painted and so many more insecurities came flooding forth.  It has only been in the past couple of weeks that I don't see them together physically like he described it.  But I wanted to know every detail because he is my only and I wanted to know did she do something I wasn't willing to or haven't done, how did it make him feel ect. and much to my surprise it was just sex plain and pure and simple.  It still hurts just the same.  If you have to allow yourself to let those insecurities overcome you  for a while then do so but only know it is going to take you so much longer to come out of that pit of emence pain and grief.  I still struggle but I stopped feeling sorry for myself and I am not trying to imply that you are, just that is what I did.  I am truly sorry you are experiencing this and it is perfectly normal to have fears and feelings like you are right now.  I did!  I just pray it won't consume you like it did me when I first found out.  This is when you really need to see a trust worthy friend and talk to them so that you can be validated in your feelings.  I am praying for you!  I am here to listen!
bleedingout Community Member
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57. Nov 13, 2009 9:35 PM in response to: merciful2320
Re: Where to go from here?

Merciful,

 

I have asked those very same questions.  I get very little response except that it was just about sex and his feeding his addiction.  He has given me some of the sexual specifics but says there were no feelings involved.  I have a hard time believing that when he went on two trips with the long term affair girl during our 10th year of marriage.  There was never enough money to buy me a nice gift or take me anywhere but they had two trips together.

I know he didn't pay her way but it still hurts. It also hurts that he showed us pictures of the resorts before he went (me and the kids)  and now says he just didn't consider us at all.  It wasn't trying to rub it in our faces but that is how it feels!  He showed us those websites and brought postcards back for the children of a place that he knew ahead was going to be a sexual tryst week for him and his lover.

 

Also today in my anger I told him how I feel about it and he just said that there were times we both wanted to separate and be separate....he has never admitted that before and I never felt that way.  I never knew he did either.  All this time he has maintained that he never wanted to leave his family and that he loved us the whole time.  I have had a horrible time feeling that that is any kind of love.  Now when he gets home, we will have to talk about his comment.  We didn't have time today as I was already out the door for a prior committment.

 

After talking to a friend, she has suggested his sudden outpouring of love and commitment may come from an attempt to keep his money.  Apparently her husband did all that too, including counseling...then 6 months later, he was leaving her for the other woman.  She had no clue and was blindsided again all over.  He even mentioned the same things that my husband mentions about remarrying/recommitting and buying her a new ring.  he went so far as to purchase it and then left anyway.

 

I wanted to smash his face in everytime he says I love you because these affairs do not indicate love on any level.  I do believe the second relationship was like that of a prostitute but I believe there must have been feelings for the long term affair.  I am waiting for him to admit it. I can't believe that all of a sudden he has woken up and realized that he loves me. Especially after saying time and again, he never thought about me while having the affair.  he kept it separate.

 

bleedingout

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58. Nov 14, 2009 2:57 PM in response to: merciful2320
Re: Where to go from here?

Hi everyone! I wanted to jump in and say that I am feeling all of these feelings on this thread, and much more!  My husband and I have been the envy of everyone around us..."perfect couple, perfect kids, perfect family"..you get the picture.  He has always been over the top loving as a husband in his actions and words, as a father, and a friend.  The problem was, I found out in a year's time or so he had had multiple affairs, one night stands (he travels very extensively), some serious sexual addiction behaviors, and the worst, an affair for the past year with a much younger woman..a co-worker.I always felt attractive, etc. this was devastating. The 'typical younger woman-thing' has been hard for me. Our grown and beautiful children were hurt and stunned. He has lied so much he began lying about the lies. He was living 2 separate lives...stunning, shocking, ..words don't describe the betrayal.  He admits to feelings for the year long affair; however, it began as purely sexual.."hey, let's just have some fun behind our spouses backs." Wow.  We are Christians and even met at a Christian college. I sense the OW would do anything to just "stay in the picture"...seriously; she sent him pornographic pictures of herself on his phone that I found..imagine...I have still pictures of her body in my brain, and she appears to be quite physically attractive. We are in counseling, had separate counseling, etc.  My husband says he loves me dearly, always has, always will, will to anything, anything to stay together and work through all this.  I have been soo close to going to the OW, her husband, etc.through this year's process, but didn't.  Her husband found out on his own.  My husband has apologized to him, and told the OW never, never call, etc...he wants to be with me. But, the betrayal and trust in our situation is ENORMOUS.  The lying and almost sociopathic-type behavior is soo much to deal with. Conclusion, I have to somehow give it ALL to God.  Some days I cry on and off all day; some days I do ok, some days I feel I am closer to giving it all up and closer to forgiving all involved; some days, I can't believe that in all this I was the only one who didn't get to "weigh in" and say all of the anger stuff I wanted to say (to OW,well, everybody)!! It does make you feel like the foolish "little wifey" while they are laughing and "playing." I know that horible sickening pit in the stomach so many have felt on this forum. The good news; we are eally doing quite well.  We hace always been best friends.   We have had a wonderful marriage in spite of this horrible stuff ( I know, sounds kind of silly, but true) I think we will survive it, through the grace of God..My husband is committed to getting all the help he needs, we need, and to help me feel repairede rom all of this as much as possible.  There IS hope...through Jesus.  He can change hearts and minds, addictions, anger, rage, give power to forgive (even if I'm not totally there yet)..He can help me feel like the woman I am instead of so wounded all the time.  I will always have the battle scars, but he can USE anything for our good!  I still need so much prayer and earnestly ask that you on this forum pray for me, and I will pray from you. Bleedingout, I could really identify with what you were saying...my husband was not forthcoming in all that was really happening; it took so long; I had to endure one "bomb" after another, and of course still wonder, "is this it?" "what's next?" I think when it happens like this it causes a type of almost 'post traumatic syndrom' reaction in a person with unbelievable rage, fear, depression, etc.  Hang in there; know that you are loved by our Father and He knows the pain..and it's horrible, unspeakable at times, not fair, but He WILL stand with you through it.  God Bless and hope it helps to know others out there are going through it 'with you'..I know it helps me!

merciful2320 Community Member
merciful2320
63 posts since
Aug 30, 2009
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59. Nov 16, 2009 7:05 AM in response to: bleedingout
Re: Where to go from here?

Bleeding out-All the things you are feeling are normal mojomom has testified to it.  The hard thing is that when we are on such extremes we feel like we are going crazy (at least for me) and even crazier that we would allow the situation to drive us to these extreme emotions.  I am sorry you are hurting.  I don't have much to say but I can completely see how you feel.  Some days I still don't want to hear I love you or to be touched, I just talked about that a few posts back.  IT is hard when we love them and have needs, but we just aren't sure if we want them to supply those needs.  I am sorry that you are going through this.  As for his comment about not wanting to be together that is very telling of how he felt at the time, and like mojomom said you may have more "bombs" ahead about his actions and feelings.  He may also have alterior motives to the situation, especially if money is involved.  IF you are having trouble dealing with the day to day life with him, maybe you would benefit from a separation.  Before asking him to leave, pray about it.  Pray about what you want the boundaries to be, have clear expectations for him about you, your family and his responsibilities in the home.  If  you don't set expectations you both will only be disappointed when expectations aren't met.  As for the issue that he may leave anyway, if after much prayer you feel that is what he is doing you can go and talk to some one and figure out how to safe guard your future.  Even in Shattered Vows the wife had to change things around because of pending lawsuits and they eventually worked things out.  I know that it may seem impossible to do and I feel that way all the time, but for our God we do need to try to do everything in our power to save our marriages even when we don't want to.  The marriages may end but we want to stand in front of our God and say we did everything He asked and feel blameless.  Also for our children's sake so that one day when they ask you can just say I did a-z and it did not work, not to play the blame game, but to eliminate that they were a reason for the marriage failure.  You may feel like your marriage is a failure, but it isn't not until you both give up.  I am so sorry you are going through this.  I will be praying for you.

 

I struggle daily with how I feel about my husband.  I went out with some girls Friday night and had a good time.  One of my friends is a single mother.  She was with a boy at 17 and got pregnant and says that she really loved him, he cheated multiple times and did numerous unlawful things and ended up in prison.  While pregnant at 17 she was alone and her family was very mean to her (she was living with them).  She described to me about how she felt during that time between not loving her child, in love with this boy, and the pain that she felt from her parents not accepting her.  She decided to just do everything she could to do what was right.  She prayed a lot and had her girl.  She said even when her baby was little she still despised her, although I never would have know it she is a great mom.  She went to school, worked, and more school.  She is now 27 and has a great home, a wonderful daughter (that she is so grateful for) and a beautiful home.  She was describing how she felt loving and feeling betrayed by the ex and after all these years, the other day her ex came to visit her to pick up their daughter she said she realized that she felt free of him, the anger, and pain that she use to have.  She said that the peace that she has from the whole situation is the biggest blessing of all and that she is thankful that she went through all of it.  She gives all the credit to God.  With her talking to me about this, I envy her.  I want to feel free of this all. But then I have wondered will I ever feel free of it all when I am choosing to stay with him?  With him constantly with me will I ever have a day where it doesn't cross my mind?  Our pastor said yes that I would have a day like that and this is how he described it.  HE asked me if I ever lost someone close to me to death.  Yes I had.  HE said do you think of them less now than when it first happened and I said yes.  Well I kind of thought that the situations are totally different.  I mean death means they are gone so the reminder of them is gone too.  With marriage and infidelity you are sleeping in the same bed, kissing the same person and sharing a life.  How is that not a constant reminder?  I wonder if I will ever be free if we remain together?  I feel very selfish at this point because I am only concerned about my well being. I feel like a bull doser ran over me, picked the pieces up and put them in a wood chipper.  So I wonder would I heal better without him?  But I know if I left now it would not be Gods will, I know I haven't exhausted all measures.  But I am not sure I am strong enough to keep fighting through this and live with such despair all the time?  Keep me in your prayers

 

Mojomom-It sounds like you are moving on the right track!  I am glad you posted something encouraging.  Do you think that you will ever be the same?  Do you think that you will ever have days that are not filled with some emotion from what happened?  I am not sure that I will and I can't live a life time trying to feel otherwise.  I spent the fist 8 years blind and now with my eyes open I wish they were shut again sometimes.  I am sorry that you too had to go through this.  I am sorry, sad and afraid to hear that you are still dealing with deep emotions and I know your situations is not as fresh as ours, but I know you have been where we are now.  If you have any detailed advice or tips feel free to hand them out.  Most days I am hanging on to God and just trying to muddle through my marriage.  Thanks for you input.

 

God

I want to pray for mojomom and bleedingout right now!  I want to Thanks You for Your grace, patience and salvation!  With out You we are nothing!  Dear God I pray that You can be with bleedingout right now she is feels so much anger, rage, resentment and pain right now.  It is hard to feel like you have anything thing else to do but to feel and I pray that You can give her some peace.  Show her the beauty of Your love and faithfulness.  Let her see You in this situation.  Melt her heart and allow her to find alternative ways to express her anger through journaling or talking to a friend.  I pray that You give her guidance and decernment to know her husbands intentions.  If his motives are not pure break his heart, let him see all that he has been missing.  If his motives are not pure, Lord please give bleedingout the strength and knowledge in what steps to take to assure that she has security in her life.  I pray that You would heal her heart!  Let her see the baby steps that she is making towards healing.  Lord I know there are a thousand other emotions and fears that she is feeling, I pray for those that we don't know about, that You would help her deal with all those.  I pray for mojomom that You continue to be a guiding light in her journey to healing and thank You for the work You have done in her life, and continue to show Your love to her.  I pray that You are with her everyday, the bad and good, and allow her to continue to see that and praise You for it!  I just want to thank You for this opportunity to express ourselves on this forum and that You will continue to guide our hearts so that we can continue to lift our sisters up in prayer and experience Your healing.  Thank You for everything. 

 

AMEN 

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