Sneaker, the question you asked is important, but one that can be answered in a multitude of ways, depending on the personal issues behind it. In a desire to help, some Christian Counselors, Pastors or friends offer clichés or simple answers so your painful relationship gets fixed quickly. Although the motives may be sincere, the result is usually not so good. Restoring trust takes time, and requires both the understanding and application of forgiveness. A good starting point is to learn basic principles about these two topics.
Forgiveness: Here are common misunderstandings about forgiveness: (1) Is condoning or excusing the offense, (2) Is forgetting, (3) Is minimizing or justifying the behavior or (4) Is immediately trusting the person again. In contrast, true Biblical forgiveness means: (1) giving up unhealthy anger which often is revealed in bitterness, spite, rage, silent treatment or revenge, (2) turning over to God both the offender and the offenses done against you. Forgiving your spouse is not optional for us as Christians, as God explains in Matthew 6:15, “But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” He also instructs, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you.” (Eph 4:32) You can ask God about the areas where you are struggling to forgive, or maybe did forgive, but it’s lingering in your mind. It’s not easy to deal with the root problems involved; in fact sometimes it’s very difficult. In the same way a person may want a college diploma, but not be willing to do the hard course work to graduate, some couples want their marriage to be better, but don’t want to do the hard work of discovering why the hurtful behavior occurred and how to fix it. Sin is the obvious reason we hurt each other, but that does not get to the core issue driving the destructive sin. This is where Christian counseling works well by helping the couple face their individual and relationship weaknesses and also bringing healthy closure to unfinished business. A good accompaniment to your counseling work is Total Forgiveness by R.T. Kendall.
Trust: One common misconception is believing people are worthy of our trust simply because they said they were sorry and we forgave them. In practical terms, trust can be broken fairly quickly, but restoring trust can be a lengthy process, especially if the offenses were especially hurtful, or if they are repeated. While rebuilding the relationship, a truly repentant spouse will show evidence of taking the initiative to restore trust in your marriage. Depending on the offense, realistic expectations from the offender might include: (1) Taking personal responsibility for the damage done without blame-shifting. (2) Providing the wounded partner with a prevention plan for further offenses. (3) Committing to Christian counseling, including sorting through the problematic issues and making necessary changes. (4) Allowing the hurt spouse the time necessary to heal without undo pressure.
Sneaker, I don’t know what occurred in your marriage, except it made a negative impact. In case you are trying to rebuild after some form of infidelity, trust is explained in greater detail in the Focus on the Family booklet, Nothing to Hide: Hope for Marriages Hurt by Pornography and Infidelity. It sounds as if you and your husband have come through many difficult times. Pray together and reach out to others for prayer. You can go forward, stronger as a couple than ever before. I will pray for that kind of result in your marriage.
Joann, RN, LPC
Focus on the Family Counselor
