MDJ08, Your raw emotions are apparent as I read your painful story. I wish I could give you a hug, but since that’s not possible, maybe some words can be comforting. From my perspective, you are not necessarily struggling with a lack of forgiveness (though only you and God know for sure), but rather a lack of addressing the problems that showed up as a symptom (an affair).  Many believe if the negative activity (i.e. infidelity, pornography, gambling) stops, then everyone should move on; all is well.  That has not been my experience working with clients in the aftermath of this type of destruction.  A profound experience can change the negative behaviors,  but it does not automatically offer different coping skills when the next trial occurs.  It seems as if  your husband’s spiritual problems were revealed, but I’m not reading where the damaged emotions and distorted thoughts were challenged nor the root issues found and treated.  The rest of the healing process has not yet begun.  People say, “Time heals all wounds,” but without a new paradigm of moving beyond the traumatic experience, time alone does NOT heal all wounds.  Time simply goes on ticking, as evidenced by the fact that you felt better three months after the reconciliation, than you do now.

I’d like to say two things about your low self esteem: (1) The affair was not your fault.  You could be extraordinarily brilliant in you mind, appearance and role as a wife, and your husband could  choose the sin of adultery, or you could be significantly below average in all areas and your husband could keep the wedding vows. (2) It usually takes two people to make a marriage more vulnerable to negative influences.  Those two statements seem contradictory, but both are true, and both can be evaluated and addressed with a skilled Christian therapist.  You might also want to examine the trait of codependency, since it’s commonly found among those injured by infidelity.  For example, the more often a person is betrayed, the more likely they unknowingly get attracted to people who betray and the more likely they get an inaccurate self-perception.  The insecurities you have from comparing yourself to the other woman is normal, but destructive.  Comparison is not a good idea.  You will either see yourself as better than her, which is pride (Prov 16:18), or as defective, which is condemnation (Rom 8:1). 

Without gaining a new paradigm, people get stuck in grief, anger or depression. One female client talked about her husband’s affair as if it had occurred in the prior month. Later I discovered the events took place 18 years earlier!  I tell you this, MDJ08, not to discourage you further, but to encourage you to get the wonderful help that is available.  I am concerned if you don’t, you might not feel any better at the upcoming two year anniversary of the affair, than you do now.  Ask God to help you find a Christian Therapist who has years of experience working with people in the aftermath of infidelity. The Focus on the Family counselors can provide an initial consultation and offer direction.  When your husband returns, I strongly recommend you get into marriage counseling.  Both of you can read Torn Asunder by Dave Carder, as an accompaniment to the counseling. You can go to weekly sessions or to a one-time brief intensive therapy program which is 3-10 days long. Your experience can be life-giving and life changing!  God is in the business of restoring people and transforming marriage from the mediocre to the divine.  I can hardly wait to hear of the progress you made!  Prayers are being said for the two of you and for your husband’s safe return.  God bless you both.

Joann, RN, LPC
Focus on the Family Counselor