My best friend needs help. Her marriage is suffering. I hear about it because she needs someone to talk to and I'm probably the only person who isn't advising her to divorce. I know for sure there were times she's come to me and if I had done the thing women sometimes do where I say "Oh, he's awful! Dump him!" she would have. But instead I try to be the voice of God and urge her to love him anyway and not give up on her marriage. I know I'm not a professional, and she needs one, but she can't afford to pay anyone and though I've tried to encourage her to look for a nonprofit Christian counselor or even a pastor who might do it for free, she won't. So I've sort of been a counselor to her. And she and I both know that there is no way that he would be willing to go to one at this point. He'd just say no and scream about it. She is not a strong Christian, and I'm not sure about his faith.
Her husband has extreme anger issues. His father died when he was younger, he doesn't get along with his mother, and he was basically raised by his friends. His friends have incredible influence over him. They are/were all married, and all seperated or divorced. He had an affair, at their urging because they liked the girlfriend better than his wife. She and he have found temporary peace and then his friends will call and say they've found a place where he can get an affordable divorce and it all starts again. He calls her names, curses at her, and blames her for everything. Most of her adult life she's worked two jobs, but she has health issues and a) needs a surgery she can't afford and b) can only work part time now. He works a job where he makes less than 10K a year and has flat out told her that he refuses to ever get another job. (Most of his friends work with him as well). They live with her parents, because that's all they can afford, but he is saying they must move now. He's putting it as a financial need ahead of the surgery she needs, and he refuses to earn more to support it. She owns all the assets, including the car, and when they are fighting he will sometimes threaten to stop contributing to the bills because it will be her credit, not his, that will suffer. But she's also unwilling to add his name to anythign but their joint banking account because she is afraid of him trying to take away things she's earned. She is more a mother, but one with no authority, to him. She doesn't respect him as a man, because of his belittling her and his avoidance of responsibility. I've urged her to show him respect, but whiles she agrees with the concept, in the moment she will get upset. And even though she tries not to use it as ammo during a fight she constantly says to me and to herself that "he can't leave me becuase then he'd be nothing. He'd have nothing. I own the car: how could he get to work? His mom won't let him live with her, he can't afford to live alone: where will he go?" But even as she says this, belittling him in her mind, she also worries about it. She loves him desperately and if she kicked him out, she would take him back in a moment because she'd spend every second he's without her worrying about him. She honestly doesn't believe in his own ability to support himself, she thinks if she didn't do it he'd probably end up in jail or worse.
She has tried holding her tongue, and it gave some peace, but when she tried to, calmly and rationally, ask him to change his plans when he'd made plans with his friends, he blows up at her talking about how she controls him. His friends have taught him that being a man means to belittle and take all respect away from women. He allows his friends to talk down to her, and he refuses to lift her up in their presence. As an example she dropped him off at work and his friend was there. He said mean and horrible things to her until his friend went inside, then he kissed her cheek and said "love you" and started to leave. Seriously.
I pray for them a lot, but there's only so much I can do. I just try to keep her from falling to pieces. I gave her a copy of the love dare, which worked a little, but she's so willing, so incredibly willing, to make this marriage work: and he's not. Neither she and I know how to motivate him. I never talk to him, to clarify. I rarely see him, and when I do I usually just make small talk. But what I've seen...
One thing that has hurt them, they've suffered two miscarriages since they've been together. She wants children, and he's gone back and forth between it, but at this point she doesn't want a child with him because she doesn't want to bring a kid into that hostile environment. He also does pot. He quit for about four months, around the time of her last miscarriage, but she says she's glad he's smoking again now because he's incredibly meaner when he was off of it.
I know some of the fault is hers, and I think she does too. She will try to stay calm, but when he yells at her, she can only restrain herself from yelling back maybe 25% of the time. It's not all his fault: but he brought so many more issues to the marriage, and he's not willing to fix and address them, or even acknowledge them.
I told her when they got married that I would never advise her against her husband. I mean that, and I want you to understand that. My hope for them is that they can get through this. But with his unwillingness to change, my heart feels like I either want the marriage to end or have him change: now. I don't know how much more of this she can take. They've only been married a short time. And I know Dr. Dobson might advocate tough love, that she kick him out, but I also know her well enough to know she wouldn't be able to mean it. Also I knwo he knows that. He woudln't take her seriously, would leave, and then expect to be taken back when he was done doing whatever things he wanted to do. And at this point, she's not strong enough not to let him back. I know that would just teach him he can do whatever and she'll always welcome him back.
Can you please help me help her help him? The Lord has used my friendship with this woman to His good in small ways, but...
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