Focus on the Family Community: Dating or Engaged Couples: Help me, my boyfriend struggles with...

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4,188 Views 9 Replies Last post: Sep 18, 2009 9:54 AM by April19

da*lost*rk

13 posts since
Jun 22, 2009

Currently Being Moderated

Jun 22, 2009 1:09 PM

Help me, my boyfriend struggles with Porn

I have been dating the same guy for a year and a half. He's a great guy. He's a Christian and tries his hardest to be like Christ. The only problem started when he was 10. You see, his dad is addicted to porn. So, when he accidently found some, he got curious. And so, for 8 years, the cycle has been a snowball up until now. I've stated heavily how I will not get engaged to a man who has looked at porn in the last year of the dating before the question is asked. I also let him know that I will stay engaged for a year so that I can make sure that the habit is broken. The thing is the struggle he is going through. For the last 6 months, he has been trying to stop. He HAS gotten better about it but he hasn't been able to stop yet. He's says he's trying and that he needs space so that he can take care of his battle alone. I need help on how I can handle this. I've become upset with myself, comparing to what he may be seeing. Whenever I tell him I feel compared he says that I am sacred to him and that the things he sees CANNOT be compared to me because they are an addiction and I am above all of it. I just feel so...worthless. I am not sure what to do. I don't want to give up because I know he is fixing it but I am not sure how to handle it with all the emotions I am having. Again, I ask you not judge him. He is a great guy. The problem is that he wasn't protected from porn or explained to about the consequences until too late... What can I do?

Tags: sex, pornography, sexual_addiction

JessicaFOTF

362 posts since
Nov 7, 2008

Currently Being Moderated

1. Jun 25, 2009 12:01 PM

in response to: da*lost*rk

Re: Help me, my boyfriend struggles with Porn

Hi da*lost*rk~thanks for coming on the forums and being so honest about your concerns. I just have to say how wise you are for addressing these issues before you enter into a marriage. I'm sure you've seen from other posts here that pornography is an issue that will not go away on its own. In fact, there was another member by the name of vivo0por0christo who brought up a lot of the same concerns you mentioned regarding her fiance. You may want to look through this thread and see the advice and articles that were offered. I think they really could be helpful to you as well.

Also, like I mentioned to vivo0por0christo, you're welcome to call one of counselors and talk this through. They've had a lot of experience in counseling those who are struggling with pornography. So, give them a call if you have the chance, ok?

In the meantime, I'll be praying for you. I know the Lord will honor you for seeking His will here. Blessings friend!

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da*lost*rk

13 posts since
Jun 22, 2009

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2. Jun 25, 2009 1:50 PM

in response to: JessicaFOTF

Re: Help me, my boyfriend struggles with Porn

Thank you so much for responding. I really appreciate the help.

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MDJ08

319 posts since
Apr 2, 2008

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3. Jun 25, 2009 4:11 PM

in response to: da*lost*rk

Re: Help me, my boyfriend struggles with Porn

I know that this won't cure your boyfriend and this is just a quick response...............if he has trouble abstaining from internet porn,,,,,,,,, he should certainly not have home access to online.

Obvisiouly he can still purchase or view online somewhere else if he takes the steps to, but I know if my husband had an issue with pornography, we wouldn't have a home computer.

It is terrific you are trying to help him. I do hope you can get this issue settled before marriage. Reconsider marriage if he struggles and slips with this addiction. I know you 'understand' and are compasionate concerning his background, but don't marry or date a man to fix them. It usually doesn't work.

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phred

8 posts since
Mar 26, 2009

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4. Jun 26, 2009 8:29 AM

in response to: da*lost*rk

Re: Help me, my boyfriend struggles with Porn

da*lost*rk, your boyfriend is a wonderful, Godly man and he might make a great husband but not for you. Being a man I can tell you two things about him. If you're doing fine resisting sexual temptation but he's not then it's a safe bet that his desire for sexual intimacy is higher than yours, possibly much higher. People do make those sort of marriages work but it is always a struggle. Sometimes the lower libido person “does their duty” but more often the higher libido simply suffers through. Either solution breads resentment. Trust me on this. The other thing that we know is that his regular exposure to those images has changed him. He now has a sexual vocabulary that you don't have, one full of things that he likes (or he wouldn't be looking at them) but that you won't. He's going to want you to do a whole lot, things that you don't want to do and he's not going to be happy when he finds out that you won't do them. In a marriage, when one person is unhappy the other person is unhappy.

Resisting temptation for a year or even two isn't going to change those two things about him. He will make a wonderful husband for a woman who does want those things. You need to let him go so he can find that woman and you need to find a man who is more suitable to you.

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da*lost*rk

13 posts since
Jun 22, 2009

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5. Sep 9, 2009 12:05 PM

in response to: phred

Re: Help me, my boyfriend struggles with Porn

Well, we broke up yesterday. Not because of his struggles but mutually bc we felt we weren't meshing as well as we would hope to with the person we would like to marry someday.

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Hiloman

244 posts since
Jun 8, 2009

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6. Sep 9, 2009 1:00 PM

in response to: da*lost*rk

Re: Help me, my boyfriend struggles with Porn

You will not regret your decision, believe me as you read about our heartaches for those of us with a marriage problems. Now as a friend in Christ, you can give him advice. It is of upmost importance than he does not try to overcome porn alone. He needs MEN to help him. The tendency with men is for us to latch on to something whether it be another women, porn after a breakup. If he is strong with Christ, still have the support system is not a guarentee but very helpful toward victory. Without the support and trying it alone, it is almost a 100% sure thing he will fall into the trap again. When someone tries to do it alone, there is the secrecy that that is where this addictions creeps and destroys.

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MDJ08

319 posts since
Apr 2, 2008

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7. Sep 9, 2009 1:10 PM

in response to: da*lost*rk

Re: Help me, my boyfriend struggles with Porn

I am sorry

. Regardless what the reasons were and even if this is all for the best, it is upsetting to go through a break up. My prayers are with you.

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da*lost*rk

13 posts since
Jun 22, 2009

Currently Being Moderated

8. Sep 10, 2009 8:36 AM

in response to: MDJ08

Re: Help me, my boyfriend struggles with Porn

Thank you guys. Thankfully, he is a great guy and the breakup was mutual, making it easy to stay friends sometime in the future, but harder to get over because we still love each other very much. I appreciate the prayers. I truly need them.

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April19

56 posts since
Sep 3, 2008

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9. Sep 18, 2009 2:38 PM

in response to: da*lost*rk

Re: Help me, my boyfriend struggles with Porn

da*lost:*rk

I know breaking up with someone is never easy especially someone you were thinking of marrying, but I want you to know and this is a fact - God has spared you from what could have been a very hard marriage. My husband started looking at pornography at age 9. I didn't know he was addicted until after we were married - addicts are amazing liars and con artists. We have been in and out of counseling our entire 6 years of marraige and we are now separated b/c my husband is not ready to give up his addiction (which by the way progressed to affairs). This has obviously caused me a great deal of pain, pain that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. So, I am very thankful you have been spared, b/c the chances of your ex-boyfriend becoming pure are very slim.

Good luck to you and I pray that the man you end of marrying will be a pure man and have eyes only for you! Take care, April19

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