I’m ashamed to admit it, but the mouse almost won. Here’s what happened …

My wife has her master’s degree in education and a lot of teaching experience. I have a degree in science with many years of research practice. Therein rests a problem: We’re both very good at what we do, and we both assume “expert” status when seated at the Computer Throne.

You can almost smell the aroma of harmonious bliss wafting through the air, like freshly baked cookies, as we lovingly pursue Web searches together, can’t you?

Um, maybe not.

Our shared computer time can be more like a violent scene from Lord of the Rings. Whoever’s in control of the mouse -- “My Precious” -- controls the computer. Violence, treachery, scratching, biting, flying pencils and angry chases too often result from our individual efforts to control the mouse; meanwhile, the Eye of Google slowly scans the horizon for another victim …

Several weeks ago, we needed some information from the Web quickly. My wife beat me to the Computer Throne, but I crouched over her like a giant, dopey spider. She searched -- her way -- for the information. My way was quicker, of course, so I tried to take control of the mouse. I used the Abrupt-Snatch technique. Can you believe, she bit me on the forearm?!

Justice had to be served for her juvenile expression of anger. So, I gave her a very mature noogie-scrub on the head. She launched from the Computer Throne and a chase took us into the living room.

Here’s the great irony. Our kids were watching their parents … act like kids! Eventually, everyone broke out in laughter (and humility) when we realized the goofy drama being played out. Blame the mouse!

Seems silly, doesn’t it? We’re pursuing the same thing, but we just have different ways of finding it. As husbands and wives, we can be somewhat intolerant of our spouse’s “ways,” even though we both arrive at the same end. This is such a vivid picture of marriage as a whole.

Our story is not distinct. Many couples -- including my own parents, who have been married nearly 50 years -- have knock-down-drag-out fights when trying to work on the same computer at the same time for the same purpose.

Back on the battlefield of the Mouse Wars, we really needed to initiate a new plan to make our “unified effort” on the computer a peaceful, loving and enjoyable experience. What plan did we initiate to resolve the Mouse Wars?

One of us had to willingly surrender the mouse (control) to the other person before peace could prevail. Since we were at home, in my wife’s “domain” and area of care, I decided to give up the mouse (while biting a large stick). I even rubbed my wife’s tense shoulders while she found the information, as a gesture of goodwill (yes, I had to look at the ceiling a couple of times). It actually worked! We talked, while she searched -- her way.

If we’d been in my place of work, or in my “domain,” I’d have expected her to withdraw and let me perform the search. Mutual respect. And now that we've recently purchased a second computer, the Mouse Wars erupt even less frequently. I recall learning this same lesson in the Elementary School lunch line: Be kind, considerate and wait your turn. (And let girls go first.)

Don’t let the mouse nibble on your marriage -- you can win this war! But just remember, there is one mouse for one reason: one user. Here’s to successful, “joint-effort” Internet searches!

I love asking this question when my two older children are cleaning their rooms. "Not funny, Daddy," come the groans. I love it.

Happiness is a tricky thing, isn't it? For several years, it was our goal in marriage. Alfie and I passionately pursued what most of us pursue in marriage, in all of life, really: our happiness! We reasoned that if spending time together made each of us happy, which it did, then why not do it for life?!

Turns out that life is not a perpetual weekend visit. It won't surprise you that there came a time, and quickly, when my happiness and her happiness were at odds. Still happens quite a bit actually. What then? I'll tell you what we did, we simply tried to convince the other that his/her definition was unreasonable and that our personal definition was brilliant. You can imagine Dr. Phil asking, "And how's that workin' for ya?"

Does it surprise you that we needed a few post-marital counseling sessions? It sure surprised us. We were Christians!

Somewhere along the way we made a discovery that will seem simple to you, but it revolutionized our marriage: Individual happiness is not a big enough cause to sustain a healthy marriage.

I know you're saying "duh," but really, that is a huge marriage revelation. We had given mental ascent to that truth, but the reality of it was a bit of a shocker.

If our final cause in marriage is individual, personal happiness, we are in for big trouble.

The problem started before our marriage, though. Marriage was merely the catalyst that brought it to the forefront. Alfie and I never would have thought we were so into our personal happiness as single people. It was such a part of our existence, we hardly noticed it. We noticed it in everyone else, of course, but not in us.

Once our vision for our marriage became bigger than the two of us as individuals, we began to feel the plane slowly lift off the runway. When we finally zeroed in on the vision of marriage being a catalyst to our loving and knowing and becoming more like Christ, we started to fly. When holiness became our target (HT: Gary Thomas), guess what? Happiness started hanging around too. That whole horse-in-front-of-the-cart thing.

So what about you? Have you experienced the frustration of individual "happiness" as a final cause for marriage?

I've always loved to read and would read anything I could get my hands on ... which included my parents' marriage books when I was 13 (we'd moved overseas, and I hadn't made friends yet). I figured I wanted to marry eventually. Why not get a head start on marriage principles?

I didn't get married until later in my 20s but found that most of the principles in marriage books from years past were really helpful. So when the Focus on the Family broadcast touted a particular new book for wives, I started reading to see what I could do better for my husband.

And that's when the trouble started.

Within two days of reading (and implementing) the information in this marriage book, my husband wanted to talk about how I was acting. The conversation went something like this:

Him: "What exactly are you doing?"

Me: "What do you mean?"

Him: "You're acting all ... weird. What's going on?"

Me: "Oh, I read this marriage book and learned what husbands do and don't like and how women can be better wives. So I'm just putting those into practice so we can have a better marriage."

Him: "What exactly did this book tell you?"

Me: "To not tell you all the details of every moment of my day, that you want me to dress really well, that you want me to be a certain weight range. Stuff like that."

Him: "Is that why you aren't talking to me, are wearing makeup and work clothes, and aren't eating normal food?"

This is when I discovered that when the book said "most men," they weren't talking about my husband. Jeremy thought I looked sexiest in no makeup when wearing a T-shirt and jeans. He liked hearing about all the mundane details of my day. And he really, truly is attracted to larger women. (Seriously.)

We went through a similar drill recently when I read another marriage book, though this time I was smart enough to ask him first about ideas I read before I put them to practice (none of them applied to him or us).

That's when I realized that while marriage books and seminars and broadcasts have good big-picture ideas, it's far more important for me to be a student of my husband than a student of marriage principles. Makes me wonder how often I've missed great conversation opportunities because I consulted a book before Jeremy. As a result, I've changed my marriage-development plans from seeking expert advice to asking my husband how I can be a better wife to him.

What about you? Have you read or received marriage advice that didn't apply to you and your spouse?

I was clicking through some posts on a singles forum and came across one titled "Dream wife and Dream husband."

I admit that I was surprised at the maturity of the responses. Dream spouse characteristics included honest, church-going, non-judgmental, secure, empathetic and so on. Of course, there were some silly ones in there too: "Like Eve before the fall."

The thread got me thinking about some teaching I heard a few years ago before I got married, a talk given by Pastor Dave Harvey called "When Sinners Say I Do." The gist of the sermon was that if I enter into marriage knowing that my wife will sin, then I won't be shocked and disappointed when ... surprise ... she does sin. And she shouldn't be dismayed when I sin.

The material in the sermon (now a book) shows how you can tell whether your doctrine of sin is being applied effectively in your relationship. The first "indicator" is: "We are More Aware of Being a Sinner Than Being Sinned-Against." It's good to recognize our fallibility before we dig into our spouse for his or her fallibility.

What I took away after listening to the sermon was an encouragement to practice grace and to have realistic expectations, expectations based in what Scripture says about human nature. And to respond humbly, even gratefully, when my wife points out my sin.

I think it may be helpful to think of "The One" as someone who's sinful, just as you are. I think that's better than to think of them as the idealized "soul mate" (see this and this) with whom you'll be able to enjoy a problem-free, effortless relationship.

While it's true that we should do a good deal of work "up-front" in selecting a spouse, it's also true that because we're all sinful, a good relationship will continue to take a good deal of effort and require a good deal of grace.

I hear a lot of women say they are discouraged because their husband is not a spiritual leader. More precisely, their husband is not their definition of a spiritual leader. Usually this definition entails a person who might conduct the following activities: initiate Bible study, prayer and daily devotions together, take a keen interest in church and church activities, plan and engage ministry together. I know this definition of a spiritual leader was instilled in me as a child growing up in a Christian home.

The thing is, spiritual leaders are not produced by cookie cutters. And the spiritual dynamic of a couple is as unique as an individual relationship with Christ. One man may be very assertive and outgoing with his spiritual leadership, while another may be gentle and inward when it comes to matters of faith.

When we met with our pastor before our wedding, he said something interesting: "Both of you need to be initiating spiritual activity as much as possible; this won't just happen naturally." Instead of putting all the pressure on Kevin to be the "spiritual leader" of our home, he challenged both of us to participate. And indeed, God brought us together to "spur one another on" on a daily basis (Heb. 10:24). So if I happen to be the one to remember we haven't read our daily devotion and I initiate that activity, it's not a crime!

Certainly the husband has a responsibility to his wife spiritually. Ephesians 5:25-26 says: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word." But just as a husband and wife are a team in other areas, they are a team in their spiritual lives as well. And just as other areas of marriage require adjusted expectations, this area of spiritual leadership may as well.

One woman in her 40s told me she went through a season where she was frustrated because her husband never initated reading the Bible together. For a while, she let this eat at her, bemoaning the fact that he was not a spiritual leader. But then she realized something. "He hates to read," she said. "So why did I have this unrealistic expectation that he would initiate spending hours reading Scripture with me? I realized I needed to be thankful that we never went to bed at night without praying -- something my husband initiated."

My husband likes to listen to Scripture on CD; I HAVE to read it on the page. Devotions for us may never be the perfectly unifying experience I once imagined. But I am very thankful for the ways we do connect spiritually, and I'm thankful that God has given us the other person to enhance our relationship with Him. Encourage your spouse in the influential ways in which he expresses his faith. Your spiritual leader may be closer than you think.

Last night I asked my husband what I should write about for this blog. "Sex," he said with a grin.

"Could you be a little more specific?" I asked.

"You could talk about how guys are physical thinkers," he said.

"What does that mean?"

He laughed. "I don't know."

Hmm. Maybe I'll get more out of him on that topic later.

Here's what I can say about sex. At my bachelorette party, my Maid of Honor had my girlfriends, many of them married, write advice about love, marriage and sex in a journal. There were specific questions, like, "How do you keep romance alive?" plus a section for general comments. (I highly recommend this activity if you're planning a friend's bridal shower or bachelorette party.)

I appreciated the advice on sex my married friends gave:

"Remember that he really loves sex. He loves you AND sex.   :-)"

"Think of sex as a ministry to your husband. Someone once told me, sex is how he tells you he loves you. Don't take that away from him."

"Even if sex doesn't go the way you thought it would at first, just relax and think of it as an opportunity to be increasingly close to your husband."

Good advice. The idea of sex as a ministry really stuck with me. I once heard it said that a wife helps to protect her husband's purity by her participation in their sex life. While this doesn't remove the husband's responsibility to stay faithful, it does show how the wife's attitude and involvement in this area can bless her husband or be a frustration to him. I try to view sex, like every other aspect of our relationship, as a way I can bless and serve my husband. And I know he does the same. That approach to sex can only deepen our relationship.

When I got married two months ago, my now-husband and I decided to write our own vows. After all, what kind of writer would I be if I didn't pen original vows?

It turned out that Kevin had already written vows as a school project during his semester at the Focus Leadership Institute. Together we made them our own, and then we agreed to each write several original lines that would be unique to our vows to the other person. As I pondered what to write, I considered what I felt my personal call to my soon-to-be husband would be.

One thing I had learned about Kevin is that he is a dreamer. And many of his dreams are God-given, such as his desire to be a children's pastor. Something I know about myself is that while I too can dream, I have a realistic side (I am an editor) that immediately sees potential obstacles and problems. Because of this, my tendency can be to "shoot down" dreams with realism. Even in our courtship days, I recognized the power and potential problem of this combination. On one hand, I am the person that can help my husband brainstorm his dreams and make them reality through practical steps -- or I can crush them in a single moment.

God helped me to recognize my calling -- to use my powers for good, as it were. To use my gifts and the way God created me to help my husband thrive in who he is in Christ. And so I wrote the following in my vows:

I will respect you and your leadership in our home.
I will seek to protect and nourish your dreams.

This is a high calling, I believe. God has entrusted another person's dreams and passions to my care. And I believe I must be a good steward of those. There have already been times when I have failed miserably. There have been other times where I have succeeded brilliantly. My goal is to be a godly asset to my husband at all times, and more importantly, be a tool God uses to help Kevin attain his God-given dreams.

How has God uniquely created you to support or refine your spouse? How does your husband or wife do this for you?

Guys, this isn't a battle you can win. Just accept that women appreciate it when you close the lid. Don't question it. Just do it. Every time.

That is all.