I've heard some newlyweds start a marriage with brand-new houses in the suburbs and new cars, taking vacations throughout their first years of marriage.

Not us.

We lived in a tiny 1970-something mobile home in a trailer park for the first 17 months and loved that place, despite the thin walls, cold winter floors and a washer that only worked intermittently (and no dryer). We had nothing but our love, yet it was everything we needed. In that time, we were able to pay off some school debt and miraculously buy a small home in an old neighborhood. It's nothing fancy, and there are no HOAs, but we really like where we live. Smaller homes mean the neighbors are outside more often, and we've gotten to know lots of them pretty well.

This kind of "formula" is what I've seen with many of my peers. They start marriage in a tiny apartment or a mobile home, and eventually they're able to buy a small house and maybe even a bigger house years later. But they've all started with the worn furniture and mismatched dishes, more love than crystal and china, and plenty of funny (and horrifying) stories about their "first place."

Though we don't have money for vacations or new furniture (gotta love used furniture stores — and craigslist), I don't envy those who do. We've struggled through hardships in our early years of marriage and have become closer because of them. In the first weeks after the birth of our child (and the ensuing colic that lasted for an agonizing 6 months), I wept to my parents: "This child is ruining our marriage! We're never going to be able to talk or even eat a meal together for who knows how long?!" My dad objected, pointing out that the hardship would draw us closer together, and that when we faced a new challenge, we'd be able to look back at the colic season and say, "We made it through that; we can make it through this."

Hardships are just that: hard. But they can be a breeding ground for greater intimacy, too. And as we grow in marriage and face other challenges, past hardships can give us hope that our marriage can be stronger on the other side. If we stay committed to marriage through rocky times and financial uncertainty, we can see these difficulties as an adventure to live together rather than a ploy to "ruin" our relationship.

What was your "first place" like? And what hardships have you faced in marriage that have brought you closer together in the end?

My husband and I went through extensive pre-marital counseling prior to and during our engagement.

We completed "the packet" of 300 questions ranging from "How much fresh air do you like when sleeping?" to "What five to ten foundational biblical truths do you think should be stressed in the raising of children?" We met with mentors and talked through the differences in women and men and ways to meet each others' needs. And let's not forget the 12 actual counseling sessions we attended to take personality tests, discuss our conflict resolution styles, and either confirm or disconfirm our overall compatibility.

(Just writing all of that was exhausting!)

We thought we had it covered. We both knew (or thought we knew!) the exact way our future spouse would handle every situation, and we were both on board, since we ended up married.

The week after we returned to Colorado from an amazing honeymoon week in Jamaica, we found ourselves in the middle of a snowstorm (literally). On our way to a friend's house, we ended up sliding on black ice, going off the road, and rolling three times down a drop- off. Once we got to the emergency room, and found out we only had a few bruises, our logical brains began to kick back in.

"At least you have full-coverage car insurance," I say over coffee the next morning.

"Why in the world would I have full-coverage insurance?" he responds. "I've never needed full-coverage, and it's never been a problem."

This was not in "the packet"! How do I respond now? I learned in pre-marital counseling that my response and reaction to a situation is important; I want to express my own feelings, but also seek to understand my husband's point of view and validate him as well, despite our differences in thinking. I also learned that our responses early in marriage begin patterns and habits that we draw from throughout our lifetime.

As I calculated my own response, I felt a huge pull between my sinful nature that wanted to respond by placing blame on my husband, and also remembering the grace that God freely gives us that I am to reflect to others as well. I also thought about my husbands intentions; he did not deliberately forgo full-coverage car insurance to put us in a financial bind, he had simply been so busy helping me with wedding planning that he never changed his policy. How could I blame him for that? Although I told him I felt stressed with the situation we were in, I made sure to tell him I was not upset with him, and that we would figure this out together.

What unexpected differences have you run into in your marriage? How did you respond? How can you respond in a way that will begin a healthy pattern of communication in your marriage?

I've been hearing a lot of talk lately about how the younger generation, mostly Millennials, strive for happiness in many areas of their life. They want to be happy in their jobs, their friendships, their families and yes, their marriages. Many see this desire for happiness as a self-absorbed, self-serving outlook, a view that focuses on oneself rather than others.

Authors such as Gary Thomas in his book Sacred Marriage challenge readers to understand that marriage is meant in large part to make us holy, rather than simply to make us happy. In his second chapter, Thomas writes about the value of reconciliation in marriage; when couples "stick it out" and stay together through the hard times, God uses their marriage as a kind of evangelism.

My husband and I have been married for a whole four months, and while we have run into challenges, I have not yet experienced the need to "stick it out" in my marriage. I've actually been very happy over these past few months. Which has me wondering: How can I become holy if I'm actually very happy?

I've found myself feeling guilty at times, almost in the sense that if I am happy -- and if I seek to be happy in my marriage -- that I am somehow being selfish. That in some way, if I'm happy, I lack "marriage testimonies" that are a witness to God's greatness. I wondered if God could use a young marriage to reflect Him, one with fewer challenges, in the same way He uses the marriages that have endured more hardship.

I recently picked up the book Happiness Is a Serious Problem by Dennis Prager, where he writes,

Happiness is not a selfish or frivolous concern; it is as deep and worthy a subject as good and evil. Human beings want to be happy, and they have a right to want to be. Far from being a selfish or ignoble goal, this is one of the distinguishing features of human beings.

This definitely caught my attention. Maybe God created us with the desire to be happy, I thought. So I bought the book. Prager continues to write that happiness is more than just a personal concern; it's actually a moral obligation:

We owe it to our husband or wife, our fellow workers, our children, our friends, indeed to everyone who comes into our lives, to be as happy as we can be. This does not mean acting unreal, and it certainly does not mean refraining from honest and intimate expressions of our feelings to those closest to us. But it does mean that we owe it to others to work on our happiness....

I once asked a deeply religious man if he considered himself a truly pious person. He responded that while he aspired to be one, he felt that he fell short in two areas. One of those areas, he said, was his not being a happy enough person to be considered truly pious.

His point was that unhappy religious people reflect poorly on their religion and their Creator. He was right; in fact, unhappy religious people pose a real challenge to faith. If their faith is so impressive, why aren't these devoted adherents happy? There are only two possible reasons: either they are not practicing their faith correctly, or they are practicing their faith correctly and the religion itself is not conducive to happiness. Most outsiders assumer the latter reason. Unhappy religious people should therefore think about how important being happy is -- if not for themselves, then for the sake of their religion. Unhappy, let alone angry, religious people provide more persuasive arguments for atheism and secularism than do all the arguments of atheists.

This is encouraging to me; while I may not have the testimony of big trials in marriage at this time, my happiness can still be used as a testimony to God's glory. I don't have to be 10 years into my marriage, and have "stories to tell"; God can use me where I am right now, in my happiness, just as He uses reconciliation and forgiveness, to honor Him and reflect His goodness and mercy.

Yes, it is, according to preliminary findings of a recent study, featured over at CNN.com.

Researchers from the University of California at San Diego, Brown and Harvard reported that having a friend, co-worker or sibling go through a divorce increases your own chances of divorce significantly. Here are the numbers:

•      People with a divorced sibling are 22 percent more likely to divorce than those with married siblings
•      People with a divorced friend are 147 percent more likely to divorce than those with friends whose marriages are intact
•      People with divorced co-workers are 55 percent more likely to divorce than those whose co-workers marriages are intact

According to the study, it can even pass to friends of friends:

"For example, a divorcing person confides in a married friend. The married friend doesn't opt for divorce, but relays details of the divorce discussion to a third person, influencing that third person in the chain to get a divorce."

Why does the influence of divorce seem to travel like the flu bug? The researchers explain,

"The idea is based on the theory of social contagion, or the spread of behavior or emotion through a group. In this case, the heated feelings and actions of one person's divorce can be transferred like a virus, causing others to divorce, according to the study."

So, what might that mean for a couple who wants to stay married? Well, I think it's important to realize what the study didn't address. It doesn't tell us anything about any of the participants' beliefs about God and the institution of marriage. It could be that divorce doesn't "spread," but simply that those with similar beliefs about marriage tend to run in the same social circles. But it also might benefit me to take a good look around at what my friends and family are telling me about my marriage.

On The Early Show yesterday morning, "relationship expert" Ian Kerner (great last name, huh?) made an interesting comment about this study:

"You really spend a lot of time with [friends and family]. I think people in your life become influencers.  I think throughout life, in any situation, you have to think about, Who do I hang out with? Are they advocates of marriage? Are they enemies of marriage?"

Over at Boundless, we often encourage singles to pursue relationships with four things: purity, christian compatibility, intentionality and community. In truth, those aspects don't stop with "I Do." Community, especially, is still an essential aspect to a strong marriage. Do you belong to a church that encourages and equips biblical marriages? Are your friends, as Kerner asked, advocates or enemies of your marriage? Do they tear your spouse down or do they encourage you to faithfulness, patience and love? In fact, if divorce can be "contagious," I wonder if supporting each others' marriages could have the same "contagious" effect?

I also don't think that this study means that I need to avoid divorced friends or family members "like the plague." I should continue to reach out and relate to them with Christian love, as I would anyone. But I do need to make sure I'm always getting healthy doses of the Word and God's standards for marriage and be aware of whether the "influencers" in my life are encouraging me toward a healthy marriage.

But, I have to say, that co-worker stat is really intriguing. We choose our friends. We don't usually choose our co-workers. So, what would it be about a co-worker that would influence my marriage?

Kerner also pointed out that the workplace, sitting around having coffee during breaks or having lunch, can become a "viral atmosphere" for gossip, venting and other negative conversations. So, though I can't choose my co-workers, I need to be careful there about what I let my words and ears dwell on.

By the way, the study also pointed out that couples with kids are less likely to be influenced by divorces around them. So, while we often hear that couples "stay together only because of the kids," it could also be that building a family life together contributes to marital happiness and God's continuing plan for marriage. Hmm ... maybe it's time to start that family.

My job involves, among other things, combing through a lot of articles on marriage. On the one hand, it's handy to have so many great ideas and resources at my fingertips. But at the same time, I'm frequently plagued with panic and guilt about what I'm not doing in my marriage. Here's the list of things my husband and I aren't doing but should be:

1. Regular quiet time as a couple. We've done this twice, ever. Guilt Megaphone says: we're heathens.
   
   
2. Weekly dates. This hasn't happened since we became parents a few years back, and I don't see it happening in the near future. Guilt Megaphone says: we're neglecting our marriage.
   
   
3. Daily 10-second kisses. As I said, we have a child. And as I've blogged about before, my husband's job completely wipes him out. Panic Megaphone says: are we not engaged enough with each other?
   
   
4. Sharing deeply about experiences from the day. Now that I have female co-workers, I speak more during the day and feel less inclined to tell my husband about the lurid details of my day, starting with my morning commute and culminating in what happened five minutes before he arrived home. Panic Megaphone says: we're not connecting at all!

So are we doing it wrong? How can we have a perfect marriage when we're obviously missing these major pieces?!

I have to deliberately remember that there's no such thing as a "perfect marriage formula." No, we don't have regular quiet time, but we do talk regularly about our relationships with God -- what we struggle with, what we hope for, what we're praying for, how we see Him moving. We don't do weekly dates, but we do frequently have "slumber parties," which involve comfy pajamas, board games, pizza, popcorn and lots of snuggling on the couch after our child is in bed. And we always connect with each other every day, particularly as we're getting ready for bed and as we're cuddling before drifting off to sleep.

It seems everyone is looking for that one-size-fits-all formula (including yours truly), but it doesn't really exist, does it? The most perfect marriage I can be in is one that involves two sinners in need of grace who grant each other license to be loved imperfectly and unconditionally. I can perfect my marriage by studying my spouse and loving him as Christ has loved me.

... and by toning down the panic and guilt.

What are you and your spouse doing well in your marriage? What marriage "criteria" do you read/hear about that makes you panic about your relationship or feel guilty?

While out of town on a business trip this week with a colleague, I (more than once) told him how much I missed my husband. My colleague has been married longer than I have and jokingly told me that as I matured in my marriage, I'd miss my husband less — that missing my spouse was a mark of a less-mature marriage. At the time I just shot him a dirty look and ignored the comment.

But now I'm wondering whether I'm supposed to "grow up" and not pine so much for my spouse when we're apart. Really, what is the mark of a mature marriage?

When we were first married, older couples would smile at us when they saw us flirting with each other in public or holding hands in church, and they'd tell us, "Don't worry; it wears off in time. Give it five years." We were horrified. We didn't want it to wear off, but we were willing to recognize that the butterflies would probably lessen over time.

Well, those first five years came and went, and my heart still stops when he comes home and walks in the door. Does that mean we're not properly maturing as a couple? Granted, we've been through some significant (and life-changing) ups and downs and are stronger for them. But he's still my favorite person to hang out with, and I'm his. Is it really supposed to wear off? Are we doing it wrong if we still hold hands when we walk into the grocery store, or if he and I scramble to do all the household chores before the other gets home from work (just so we can have more time to simply be together)?

How much do you and your spouse pine for each other? How much has it worn off in your years of marriage?

I’ve noticed that men and women tend to deal with problems and resolution differently. Maybe I’m stating the obvious, but it can be frustrating at first in marriage.

At the risk of broadly stereotyping male and female characteristics (from a male perspective), allow me to share our experience in marriage. The nature of the problems I’m referencing is more general, not deep-seated marital conflicts that require professional counseling.

I’m also declaring public immunity from the “but-I’m-different-and-you-can’t-say-that” crowd. This is a broad generalization, or a 30,000-foot perspective, on some differences between husbands and wives different in working through common problems.

Let’s start with the brain. Research on the differences between male and female brains is fascinating (yes, I’m a Crazy Professor), and having a deeper understanding of male-female differences has actually helped our marriage. See if your marriage is similar in regard to these differences!

I’m The Female Brain (dare I even try to describe its complexity): Everyone is in the “room” [in my mind] at the same time, and they are all calling for my attention to various degrees. I’m multi-tasking – doing and thinking different things simultaneously and this is normal. It’s hard for me to think of only one thing at a time. I try to solve multiple problems simultaneously, and many problems or issues can remain in emotional flux, even after problems have been resolved. I’m always on the go!

I’m The Male Brain: I’m in a “hallway” [my mind] with doors on both sides. I choose which doors to open and which doors to close and when. I like visiting one, two, or at most, three rooms at a time. But I keep all other doors shut until I’m ready to deal with them. Doing one or two things at a time is pretty normal for me, with the most important “doors” getting opened first. I like complete resolution of problems before closing one door and moving to another room or issue. I can be turned on or shut off.

Men often incorporate logic at the expense of emotion. Women can tend to do the opposite; meanwhile, both sexes can completely miss effective reasoning and communication in the process. “I’m right” gets in the way of “what’s right,” and “I’m hurt” usually comes for a visit.

From birth, our brains are different. Males get a testosterone “brain bath,” which somewhat compartmentalizes our thinking through partial unlinking male cerebral hemispheres. This does not happen to females – both hemispheres remain fully connected. I think this helps explain some gender differences in thinking and working through problems.

As a couple, we’ve come up with a humorous term to describe “differences” between my wife and me in dealing with problems and conflict. Allow me explain “road kill.”

Imagine for a moment that a deer, cow, water buffalo or any large animal gets hit and killed on a two-lane road, blocking all traffic. The person who hit the critter is OK, although there’s a fair amount of damage to their vehicle.

Approaching this accident as a male, I would likely get out of my car, be sure the driver is OK, call whatever emergency help is needed, stay with the person until help arrives, drag the road kill off the road and drive on. (Admittedly, the red-neck side of me might also check the critter for any edible parts to take home for dinner, but that’s an embarrassing little secret best kept ‘tween you and me.) Many other guys would do the same (OK, maybe not all – not the red-neck thing).

My wife can’t comprehend how guys can just “get over” the issue, shut the door on it and move on. How insensitive of me! And I’m thinking, “What’s left here?”

My wife’s approach (and I’m sure a few other women), would be to stop, stare in horror, call police for help, and talk about the road-kill dreadfulness for hours on end. “Oh, Susie, you won’t believe what just happened …”

Meanwhile, the crows and magpies begin “circling the road kill,” and squawking about as much as my wife and her lady friends! She tends to “circle the road kill” for a long time – at least until her emotions will allow her to set the issue down inside her busy, emotionally buzzing head.

Pretty soon, there are a half a dozen of her friends circling the same “road kill” (or issue) with her on the phone and emoting for hours – sometimes it goes on for days and weeks. Anger, sadness, frustration and obsession can ensue.

In her mind, the problem or “road kill” is in the same room with everything else at the same time. All these “issues” are vying for her attention and time by different degrees – whatever screams the loudest. It can be overwhelming, especially for overburdened moms.

Jen has to emote about a problem long enough to be achieve final resolution and “bury” the issue. And then she might dig it up again! This takes time, and I do my best to be patient and understanding.

My brain is saying, “Let’s move on, we’ve dealt with this problem – it’s resolved. Done. I’ve closed the door, scooted it off the road.”

Her brain says, “But I need time to circle the road kill, process, peck, squawk, emote and give the issue a proper burial.”

What we've learned is that communicating openly about our thoughts and where we're at emotionally can usually keep hurt outside the door and diffuse much frustration.

For example, Jen doesn’t keep nagging me and dragging me back to the carcass day after day (in my mind, road kill stinks after a day or two in the hot sun). And I try to be patient, understanding and listen as Jen works through her emotional-coping process (sometimes this means talking into the wee hours of the night).

Eventually, the road kill disappears and the carcass (problem) is but a faint memory in both of our minds. And if it didn’t go away, we’d seek counseling. But it takes mutual understanding, patience and reciprocal love to navigate “road kill” in marriage successfully.

Road kill, anyone?

Steve's post about anniversaries got me thinking about first dates. What's the story behind your first date with your spouse? Was it perfect or awkward? Formal or casual? Planned or unplanned? Adventurous or mundane?

My first date with my husband, Kevin, was originally supposed to be a game night with some of his friends, but they got the flu. So he took the plunge and asked me if I'd like to have dinner; I had something going earlier in the evening, so we agreed to meet at Starbucks. Here's what I wrote to Kevin about my rememberances of our first date:

I was nervous walking into Starbucks that night. And there you were all tall, wearing a blue-and-white-striped shirt. You looked so dashing and I felt like a high school girl with a crush. My nerves immediately subsided when you greeted me, though. Your warm smile and relaxed manner put me at ease.

You let me choose where we would eat, and I picked Red Robin. We ate burgers and sat there talking until they closed. Then you drove us back to Starbucks and we sat in your car talking until 1. We talked about family and mountain bike accidents and ministry and our views on dating. I didn't want to ever stop talking to you. 

I finally told you I probably needed to go because I had an early morning run. It was then that you admitted that you had to open at Starbucks the next morning at 4. At that moment, I figured you liked me. When I got home, you sent me a text message: “It has been great staying up talking. You are an amazing person that I’m really blessed to be getting to know. I’m super glad God has crossed our paths.”

I was too.

What about you? What is your first date story? How did it set the tone for the rest of your relationship?