I smiled when I read this blog over at Stuff Christians Like titled "Pastors who mess you up." In this context "mess you up" means rightly dividing God's Word or imparting some truth in a way that changes your whole life. From SCL:

I ran into a friend a few months ago. We hadn’t seen each other in a while so we did the mandatory “life summary” catch up conversation. In the midst of that, she all too casually mentioned, “My husband and I have decided to become foster parents.”

What? That’s a big deal, that’s no small thing. And when I asked her about how they came to that decision, she was quick to give me a two word answer:

“Francis Chan.”

She and her husband had read Francis Chan’s book, Crazy Love, and in her words, it “really messed her up.” And that’s true, a number of my friends have been messed up by that book. It’s no casual read. It’s a challenge and a conviction that is difficult to deny. But talking with her, I started to think about other ways pastors mess you up. Because the good ones do. They tend to snow globe shake your comfortable little world with God’s truth.

It's been true in my life. From getting married to starting a family to adopting, it was a faithful pastor who said something to "mess me up" at each decision point that affected my trajectory. Here's a brief summary of how:

Getting Married

After dating my wife for eight months with no clear direction, Senate Chaplain Dr. Lloyd Ogilvie told me I needed to "Fish or cut bait." I asked Beth to marry me three weeks later.

Starting a Family

My wife and I wanted stability before starting a family. But Dr. Mark Dever said he's counseling too many childless couples who "waited" and told us to "never put off life." We threw away the pill and my wife of five months got pregnant within five weeks.

Adopting

After waiting for two years to adopt a baby from China, we were presented an opportunity to take a sibling set of four from Ethiopia. John Piper's book Don't Waste Your Life kept creeping into our thoughts as we prayed about it. Eight months later, we flew to Ethiopia to bring all four home.

What about you? Have you ever had a pastor mess you up?

I’m ashamed to admit it, but the mouse almost won. Here’s what happened …

My wife has her master’s degree in education and a lot of teaching experience. I have a degree in science with many years of research practice. Therein rests a problem: We’re both very good at what we do, and we both assume “expert” status when seated at the Computer Throne.

You can almost smell the aroma of harmonious bliss wafting through the air, like freshly baked cookies, as we lovingly pursue Web searches together, can’t you?

Um, maybe not.

Our shared computer time can be more like a violent scene from Lord of the Rings. Whoever’s in control of the mouse -- “My Precious” -- controls the computer. Violence, treachery, scratching, biting, flying pencils and angry chases too often result from our individual efforts to control the mouse; meanwhile, the Eye of Google slowly scans the horizon for another victim …

Several weeks ago, we needed some information from the Web quickly. My wife beat me to the Computer Throne, but I crouched over her like a giant, dopey spider. She searched -- her way -- for the information. My way was quicker, of course, so I tried to take control of the mouse. I used the Abrupt-Snatch technique. Can you believe, she bit me on the forearm?!

Justice had to be served for her juvenile expression of anger. So, I gave her a very mature noogie-scrub on the head. She launched from the Computer Throne and a chase took us into the living room.

Here’s the great irony. Our kids were watching their parents … act like kids! Eventually, everyone broke out in laughter (and humility) when we realized the goofy drama being played out. Blame the mouse!

Seems silly, doesn’t it? We’re pursuing the same thing, but we just have different ways of finding it. As husbands and wives, we can be somewhat intolerant of our spouse’s “ways,” even though we both arrive at the same end. This is such a vivid picture of marriage as a whole.

Our story is not distinct. Many couples -- including my own parents, who have been married nearly 50 years -- have knock-down-drag-out fights when trying to work on the same computer at the same time for the same purpose.

Back on the battlefield of the Mouse Wars, we really needed to initiate a new plan to make our “unified effort” on the computer a peaceful, loving and enjoyable experience. What plan did we initiate to resolve the Mouse Wars?

One of us had to willingly surrender the mouse (control) to the other person before peace could prevail. Since we were at home, in my wife’s “domain” and area of care, I decided to give up the mouse (while biting a large stick). I even rubbed my wife’s tense shoulders while she found the information, as a gesture of goodwill (yes, I had to look at the ceiling a couple of times). It actually worked! We talked, while she searched -- her way.

If we’d been in my place of work, or in my “domain,” I’d have expected her to withdraw and let me perform the search. Mutual respect. And now that we've recently purchased a second computer, the Mouse Wars erupt even less frequently. I recall learning this same lesson in the Elementary School lunch line: Be kind, considerate and wait your turn. (And let girls go first.)

Don’t let the mouse nibble on your marriage -- you can win this war! But just remember, there is one mouse for one reason: one user. Here’s to successful, “joint-effort” Internet searches!

I've always loved to read and would read anything I could get my hands on ... which included my parents' marriage books when I was 13 (we'd moved overseas, and I hadn't made friends yet). I figured I wanted to marry eventually. Why not get a head start on marriage principles?

I didn't get married until later in my 20s but found that most of the principles in marriage books from years past were really helpful. So when the Focus on the Family broadcast touted a particular new book for wives, I started reading to see what I could do better for my husband.

And that's when the trouble started.

Within two days of reading (and implementing) the information in this marriage book, my husband wanted to talk about how I was acting. The conversation went something like this:

Him: "What exactly are you doing?"

Me: "What do you mean?"

Him: "You're acting all ... weird. What's going on?"

Me: "Oh, I read this marriage book and learned what husbands do and don't like and how women can be better wives. So I'm just putting those into practice so we can have a better marriage."

Him: "What exactly did this book tell you?"

Me: "To not tell you all the details of every moment of my day, that you want me to dress really well, that you want me to be a certain weight range. Stuff like that."

Him: "Is that why you aren't talking to me, are wearing makeup and work clothes, and aren't eating normal food?"

This is when I discovered that when the book said "most men," they weren't talking about my husband. Jeremy thought I looked sexiest in no makeup when wearing a T-shirt and jeans. He liked hearing about all the mundane details of my day. And he really, truly is attracted to larger women. (Seriously.)

We went through a similar drill recently when I read another marriage book, though this time I was smart enough to ask him first about ideas I read before I put them to practice (none of them applied to him or us).

That's when I realized that while marriage books and seminars and broadcasts have good big-picture ideas, it's far more important for me to be a student of my husband than a student of marriage principles. Makes me wonder how often I've missed great conversation opportunities because I consulted a book before Jeremy. As a result, I've changed my marriage-development plans from seeking expert advice to asking my husband how I can be a better wife to him.

What about you? Have you read or received marriage advice that didn't apply to you and your spouse?

My husband and I love children's ministry. It's one of the things the first drew us together. In fact, it was the wordless book bracelet I was wearing -- a children's ministry tool -- that caught my husband's interest and caused him to strike up a conversation with me at Starbucks. Both of us have taught children since we were teenagers. So when we were offered the opportunity to teach the fifth and sixth grade Sunday school class at our church this past Sunday, we were excited about the opportunity.

As we set to work developing the lessons, planning how we would deliver it and assigning duties, unexpected frustrations began to crop up. I like to envision point B, the finished product -- in all its excellence and glory -- and then carefully plan every step to get there. Kevin prefers to take in the teaching material in a more comprehensive manner and then formulate point B on the spot. But we were unaware of this big style difference going into the project.

And so it happened that I ended up in tears on Sunday morning as the friction of our varying styles ignited. There was a trench coat (for our dectective skit) that needed to be ironed at the very last moment, and we were rushing out of the house to print out the needed small group leader guides. I felt out of control because so many details were yet unfinalized, and my husband, who thrives on creating in the last moment, couldn't understand my angst.

On the way to church, after we had planned enough to pull me out of panic mode, we talked about what an odd "problem" we had. Both of us are gifted teachers, and yet we achieve the same end through very different means. And once the two styles adjust to one another, they are very complementary. Kevin has a talent for the impromptu that I lack, and my interest in a well-planned message and delivery only stengthens the finished product.

At first blush, our personality differences were a problem, but upon closer inspection, we see that they actually make us a great team.

Kevin apologized for unwittingly causing me to panic and said, "I want to set you up for success." And that is the basis of true cooperation -- setting one another up to succeed. How do personality differences between you and your spouse strengthen what you can do together? What ways have you found to work together?

I have a confession to make. Are you ready? Okay here goes: I write out my grocery list while our pastor is preaching nearly every Sunday morning.

It isn't that my pastor is boring or that I don't like his preaching; he isn't and I do. It's just that about the time he finishes his introduction (which is usually about 10 or 15 minutes) I'll remember that I'm out of garbanzo beans and consequently I'll also remember that I need cumin too. So I'll take the little communication card out of the bulletin and write just those two things down. But then a billion other items pop into my head and I figure that I might as well write those down too. My husband Brian gives me pointed looks when he sees me doing this, so I have to be pretty covert about it.

I know I'm being a bad listener when I do it, and I feel guilty for a few minutes but then I forget about it and repeat the same scenario the next week.

Yesterday Tim Challies had a good word for me and all you other closet during-church-grocery-list-makers out there in his blog post "Being a Diligent Listener." He begins by posing some good questions about our responsibility to participate in the sermon

While a pastor bears great responsibility in preparing for and delivering the Word of God each Sunday, the listener shares in the responsibility. The church has no place for an audience. We are all to be involved in the preaching, even as listeners. We may drive home on Sunday muttering about the pastor’s lack of preparation after a less-than-engaging sermon, but how often do we drive away reflecting on our own lack of preparation? How often should we trace our lack of learning or our lack of engagement right back to our own lack of preparation?

By making my grocery list I'm tuning in and out of the sermon the same way I would a dull lecture or a bad theater performance. My pastor, while a great speaker, is not orating to entertain me. He's preaching God's word to equip the saints and so to build up the church, Christ's body. When I think about it this way, if I'm not diligently listening to God's word preached I'm eventually going to become a sickly, or at least weak, part of our church's body.

As Challies points out, the problem probably isn't so much my attention span as it is my lack of preparation. For the last seven weeks we've been leaving for church an hour and a half earlier to attend the new members class. And with each week I've gotten up a little later and have let my Sunday morning Bible reading go. My husband prays on our drive to church and lately that's been the only preparation I've had for Sunday worship.

I'm thankful that God is tendering my heart about all of this and I know I've got some repenting to do about how I approach Sunday worship. And because God desires true repentance from his children, not just vain guilt like I've been offering up about the grocery list, I'm making a plan for how I can be more prepared for the preaching of God's word this coming week.

Here a couple of the things I've thought of:

• Since my church is preaching through the book of Philippians, I'm going to read Philippians on Saturday and Sunday and break from what I'm reading in the Bible the rest of the week.
• Talk to my husband about setting aside time at breakfast on Sunday morning to pray for our pastor, small group leader and members, and church as a whole.

Challies also has some great suggestions to prepare for and apply our pastor's sermons. I'd love to hear how you prepare your heart as well. What are some things that you do alone and with your spouse in preparation for Sunday?

"Once you stop making money, you better start making dinner."

My husband's comment made me smile. It came last night after I'd sweet talked him into taking me out to $.75 taco night at our favorite Mexican food restaurant ... eating out for the third time this week.

As we headed out the door, I said: "I'm sorry I'm not good at getting dinner on the table. But I'm good at making money!"

Then his lighthearted response: "OK, but once you stop making money, you better start making dinner." We both laughed.

I have to be honest, three months into marriage I'm struggling with my new meal planning and preparing responsibilities. Kevin is gracious and great at sharing the responsibility. If he has the day off, he generally plans our dinner. But after almost 10 years of coming home from work and eating a bowl of cereal or a can of soup for dinner (or eating out), I'm finding this whole dinner planning thing tricky. (My mom always warned me this would happen.)

Kevin's comment reminded me that right now we're in a particular season. We both work—both contribute to the family finances—and share household duties. In a different season, contributions will shift. Perhaps Kevin will contribute more in the way of financial provision and I will do more in the home. But I think the spirit of cooperation should remain. This idea of, "What has God equipped me to do for the family today? How can I bless my spouse?"

And when we can't do everything expected of us or everything we had hoped? Grace. And a $5 taco dinner.

P.S. Any great meal planning ideas for working wives?

The conversation began at a really bad time. Both of us were exhausted from a busy weekend with his parents. But as we drove home, I innocently brought up the subject of our Christmas plans. You see, I had no idea this would lead to a discussion. Our holiday plans are pretty cut and dried. His parents live within an hour's drive. So Thanksgiving and Christmas with them; New Years with my family in Washington. We have it pretty easy when it comes to holiday planning, compared to some.

But what I discovered last night, when I was in absolutely the wrong state of mind to discuss such an emotional subject, was that Kevin and I still had different ideas about how those precious hours of Christmas vacation would play out. I imagined lots of time, just the two of us, starting up our own Christmas traditions. He, very naturally, pictured us spending most of the holiday with the fam.

After I got more upset than I needed to over the threat to MY ideas and plans, Kevin and I were able to talk about it. He assured me that he had given it little thought and that his ideas were not set in stone. Mine may have been more set in stone, simply because I assumed (very dangerously) that he was thinking and planning on the exact same things I was. As I sought to understand why I was so upset, I realized that my husband had done nothing wrong. And yet, I felt like he had, because he had not imagined our first Christmas together exactly the way I had.

Before I was married, I heard that needs and expectations could become troublesome in marriage. I think this is a good example. My need is to have quality time with my husband at Christmas. To me, that looked a specific way -- enter expectations. My expectations were based on examples in my own life (both of my married siblings immediately made Christmas morning their own with their spouses, choosing not to visit any in-laws until Christmas afternoon) and my personal desires (that we share a special piece of Christmas, just the two of us).

By the end of our conversation, we had not made our exact holiday plans. But we had established that we were on the same team as far as meeting one another's needs this Christmas. "I just want our first Christmas to be special," I said.

"It will be," my husband assured me.

And that's what's important. My first Christmas with Kevin may not play out exactly the way I had imagined, but that's OK. As we look to serve each other, it has the potential to be even better.

This past weekend, I didn't get much of my to-do list finished. I went into the weekend with lofty aspirations, but crashed and burned in my attempts to get even half of my list completed.

I did spend a lot of time with my husband, however. We prepared for teaching Sunday School. We had Sunday lunch with a friend. We sat in front of the fire. We cuddled. We talked about the future.

By Sunday evening I was frustrated. My husband picked up on my dismay. I explained to him my lofty goals for the weekend and that I was disappointed in myself for not accomplishing them. "I'll help you get them done tomorrow," he soothed. "Thanks for spending time with me."

Today I read a post on the Girl Talk blog called To-Do List of One. It was convicting:

Do you have your own “Martha Moments?” Do you find it hard to sit? Do you find it difficult to listen? God knew Martha was anxious and troubled. He knows when we are anxious and troubled. He lovingly spoke to Martha; and through her story He lovingly speaks to us today: “Only one thing is necessary.”

First, I wonder if God sometimes feels like my husband did this weekend. "God, I would love to spend time with You, just enjoying your presence, but I'm so worried about everything I have to do!" Second, if this is the model of a good relationship -- to sit and listen -- how valuable is a weekend where I connect in conversation and intimacy with my husband and leave tasks undone?

I apologized to Kevin for being grumpy, and, as promised, he helped me accomplish much of my list on Monday. But the downtime I'd spent with him left an impression. He texted Monday morning and said: "I had a great weekend! Thank you."

Sitting and listening is a good technique for both devotions and marriage. Kevin and I ended up having a Mary weekend, which was just what we needed.