What causes some men and women stray in marriage and others to remain committed? Can the answer be found in science? The New York Times article, "The Science of a Happy Marriage," takes a look at some of the latest and greatest studies on marital commitment.

A growing body of research is focusing on the science of commitment. Scientists are studying everything from the biological factors that seem to influence marital stability to a person’s psychological response after flirting with a stranger.

Their findings suggest that while some people may be naturally more resistant to temptation, men and women can also train themselves to protect their relationships and raise their feelings of commitment.

According to the studies, strong commitment levels may not be linked to the factors you'd expect:

It may not be feelings of love or loyalty that keep couples together. Instead, scientists speculate that your level of commitment may depend on how much a partner enhances your life and broadens your horizons — a concept that Arthur Aron, a psychologist and relationship researcher at Stony Brook University, calls “self-expansion.”

The Stony Brook researchers conducted experiments using activities that stimulated self-expansion. Some couples were given mundane tasks, while others took part in a silly exercise in which they were tied together and asked to crawl on mats, pushing a foam cylinder with their heads. The study was rigged so the couples failed the time limit on the first two tries, but just barely made it on the third, resulting in much celebration.

Couples were given relationship tests before and after the experiment. Those who had taken part in the challenging activity posted greater increases in love and relationship satisfaction than those who had not experienced victory together.

Do you experience "self-expansion" in your marriage? The great thing is, if you feel this attribute is lacking it's easy to incorporate more of it into your marriage.

Now the researchers are embarking on a series of studies to measure how self-expansion influences a relationship. They theorize that couples who explore new places and try new things will tap into feelings of self-expansion, lifting their level of commitment.

Ultimately, commitment in Christian marriages is not about what you get out of the relationship but what you put into it (with the help of the Holy Spirit). Still, exploring, learning and growing together is a great way to deepen the bond of your relationship. And now you've got science to back that up.

HT: The Point

So instead of grumbling again about the disarray in which I found my sock drawer, I asked my wife if, the next time she wrapped up laundry, she could match the socks before putting them away.

The next time the sock drawer was replenished, all the pairs of socks were nestled next to their mate, holding fast to each other with a simple roll at the open end.

Instead of feeling a simple lack of discontentment, and instead of simply feeling thankful that she had helped make my mornings that much more efficient, I actually felt loved.

Yup, I imagined my wife washing a load of laundry, moving the clothes into the dryer ... and then spending the time rifling through 20 seemingly disparate socks, finding a match for each, and gently tucking them into my sock drawer. A fruitless effort for her personally, something that doesn't personally benefit her routine, but something that makes mine go just that much more smoothly.

And that makes me feel loved. I feel loved, and humbled, when Ashleigh inconveniences herself for me in this way.

Which, naturally, makes me think of you. What makes you feel loved? Have you told your spouse what makes you feel loved? Now, why don't you take a risk and tell them?

I'm not a big fan of pop psychology, but I have found Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages helpful as I think how to love my wife and as I think about what makes me feel loved. For those of you who generally stick to Spurgeon and Edwards and à Kempis, Dr. Chapman describes the five "languages" on his Web site.

I found an online test that may help you narrow down which of your "love languages" is dominant. I took the test. Here are my results:

• Quality Time: 8
• Words of Affirmation: 7
• Physical Touch: 7
• Acts of Service: 6
• Receiving Gifts: 2

It's either "balanced" or "boring," depending on how you look at the results. I suppose the telling result is that I don't get much out of receiving gifts, so maybe save your money and instead spend time on Young Married Life and send me an e-mail affirming how much you appreciate our work.

Again, I tend not to put much faith in popular faddish psychological self-help books. But I do see some value in understanding what "fills your love tank" and what makes your spouse feel loved. Maybe take the test and share your results with us (and with your spouse). And let me know how you find this assessment helpful.

I love the cross of Christ. There is no greater mystery, nothing that inspires more wonder, than the crucifixion of our Lord. It was the greatest act of both love and hate ever portrayed. It's a manifestation of both the stratospheric height of God's mercy and the grimy depth of our sin.

Paul boasted in but one thing: the cross. The hosts of heaven include Jesus' death in their continuous expression of praise, day and night. My sin, as the old hymn goes, not in part but the whole, is nailed to the cross and I bear it no more. We are reconciled to God through the cross of Christ.

I could ponder the cross for a lifetime and never fully explore its depth and significance. It's both simple and complex. It's seen as both foolishness and the pinnacle of heavenly wisdom. It illustrates both divine compassion and divine wrath. Christ the all-powerful was crucified in weakness. It's both glorious and shameful. It shows us both God's fierce anger and His lovingkindness.

If it weren't for the cross, my life would be without meaning, without purpose, without direction. Thank God for the horrific solution to my sin problem. I resonate with Mark Altrogge's song, "I Love the Cross":

All my sins forgiven
Far removed as east from west
Cast into the depths of the ocean
Of grace and redeeming love

 

All my guilt atoned for
Every debt is paid in full
Though my sins were scarlet
Now I’m clean as a fresh fallen snow

 

I love the place where my Savior died
I love the place where I was justified
I love the place
Where Your blood flowed down
To give me life

 

I love the Cross
I love the Cross
I love the Cross
The Cross of Christ

I thank You, Lord, for the terrible, wonderful cross of my Savior.

A few years back I was over at a friend's apartment, and she was confessing that she thought God did not love her. She was even fearful that she might find herself some day like Judas, outright conspiring against God.

I didn't know what to say. She was involved in her church, helped lead music in a small group, and was studying at a Christian graduate university. Surely she was loved by God; surely she was saved.

But I didn't know how to help her.

Now I do.

I knew that she loved the Lord. This was evident in the songs she wrote and in her private devotional life. And that was the key to helping my friend understand that, yes, the Lord loved her. C.H. Spurgeon lays out the argument:

Once I knew a good woman who was the subject of many doubts and when I got to the bottom of her doubt it was this: she knew she loved Christ but she was afraid He did not love her. Oh, I said that is a doubt that will never trouble me, never by any possibility because I am sure of this: that the heart is so corrupt naturally that love to God never did get there without God putting it there. You may rest quite certain that if you love God it is a fruit and not a root. It is the fruit of God's love to you and it did not get there by the force of any goodness in you. You may therefore conclude with absolute certainty that God loves you if you love God.

Got that? We who are saved were at one time incapable of loving God. Why would we? We were "haters of God." Indeed, we were "dead" to Him, following the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience, by nature children of wrath.

We had nothing but antipathy toward God, and His justified wrath was positioned toward us.

Ah, but God, "being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ."

And now we who are saved are alive in Christ, and though often feebly, we love Him.

And if we've found ourselves loving Him, we can be assured that He loves us. Indeed, He first loved us, even in our unlovely state. His love is the root that produces within us the fruit of love. If there's fruit, then God's root of love toward us exists.

That's what I would tell my friend if I had the chance.