I’ve noticed that men and women tend to deal with problems and resolution differently. Maybe I’m stating the obvious, but it can be frustrating at first in marriage.
At the risk of broadly stereotyping male and female characteristics (from a male perspective), allow me to share our experience in marriage. The nature of the problems I’m referencing is more general, not deep-seated marital conflicts that require professional counseling.
I’m also declaring public immunity from the “but-I’m-different-and-you-can’t-say-that” crowd. This is a broad generalization, or a 30,000-foot perspective, on some differences between husbands and wives different in working through common problems.
Let’s start with the brain. Research on the differences between male and female brains is fascinating (yes, I’m a Crazy Professor), and having a deeper understanding of male-female differences has actually helped our marriage. See if your marriage is similar in regard to these differences!
I’m The Female Brain (dare I even try to describe its complexity): Everyone is in the “room” [in my mind] at the same time, and they are all calling for my attention to various degrees. I’m multi-tasking – doing and thinking different things simultaneously and this is normal. It’s hard for me to think of only one thing at a time. I try to solve multiple problems simultaneously, and many problems or issues can remain in emotional flux, even after problems have been resolved. I’m always on the go!
I’m The Male Brain: I’m in a “hallway” [my mind] with doors on both sides. I choose which doors to open and which doors to close and when. I like visiting one, two, or at most, three rooms at a time. But I keep all other doors shut until I’m ready to deal with them. Doing one or two things at a time is pretty normal for me, with the most important “doors” getting opened first. I like complete resolution of problems before closing one door and moving to another room or issue. I can be turned on or shut off.
Men often incorporate logic at the expense of emotion. Women can tend to do the opposite; meanwhile, both sexes can completely miss effective reasoning and communication in the process. “I’m right” gets in the way of “what’s right,” and “I’m hurt” usually comes for a visit.
From birth, our brains are different. Males get a testosterone “brain bath,” which somewhat compartmentalizes our thinking through partial unlinking male cerebral hemispheres. This does not happen to females – both hemispheres remain fully connected. I think this helps explain some gender differences in thinking and working through problems.
As a couple, we’ve come up with a humorous term to describe “differences” between my wife and me in dealing with problems and conflict. Allow me explain “road kill.”
Imagine for a moment that a deer, cow, water buffalo or any large animal gets hit and killed on a two-lane road, blocking all traffic. The person who hit the critter is OK, although there’s a fair amount of damage to their vehicle.
Approaching this accident as a male, I would likely get out of my car, be sure the driver is OK, call whatever emergency help is needed, stay with the person until help arrives, drag the road kill off the road and drive on. (Admittedly, the red-neck side of me might also check the critter for any edible parts to take home for dinner, but that’s an embarrassing little secret best kept ‘tween you and me.) Many other guys would do the same (OK, maybe not all – not the red-neck thing).
My wife can’t comprehend how guys can just “get over” the issue, shut the door on it and move on. How insensitive of me! And I’m thinking, “What’s left here?”
My wife’s approach (and I’m sure a few other women), would be to stop, stare in horror, call police for help, and talk about the road-kill dreadfulness for hours on end. “Oh, Susie, you won’t believe what just happened …”
Meanwhile, the crows and magpies begin “circling the road kill,” and squawking about as much as my wife and her lady friends! She tends to “circle the road kill” for a long time – at least until her emotions will allow her to set the issue down inside her busy, emotionally buzzing head.
Pretty soon, there are a half a dozen of her friends circling the same “road kill” (or issue) with her on the phone and emoting for hours – sometimes it goes on for days and weeks. Anger, sadness, frustration and obsession can ensue.
In her mind, the problem or “road kill” is in the same room with everything else at the same time. All these “issues” are vying for her attention and time by different degrees – whatever screams the loudest. It can be overwhelming, especially for overburdened moms.
Jen has to emote about a problem long enough to be achieve final resolution and “bury” the issue. And then she might dig it up again! This takes time, and I do my best to be patient and understanding.
My brain is saying, “Let’s move on, we’ve dealt with this problem – it’s resolved. Done. I’ve closed the door, scooted it off the road.”
Her brain says, “But I need time to circle the road kill, process, peck, squawk, emote and give the issue a proper burial.”
What we've learned is that communicating openly about our thoughts and where we're at emotionally can usually keep hurt outside the door and diffuse much frustration.
For example, Jen doesn’t keep nagging me and dragging me back to the carcass day after day (in my mind, road kill stinks after a day or two in the hot sun). And I try to be patient, understanding and listen as Jen works through her emotional-coping process (sometimes this means talking into the wee hours of the night).
Eventually, the road kill disappears and the carcass (problem) is but a faint memory in both of our minds. And if it didn’t go away, we’d seek counseling. But it takes mutual understanding, patience and reciprocal love to navigate “road kill” in marriage successfully.
Road kill, anyone?
