I've been hearing a lot of talk lately about how the younger generation, mostly Millennials, strive for happiness in many areas of their life. They want to be happy in their jobs, their friendships, their families and yes, their marriages. Many see this desire for happiness as a self-absorbed, self-serving outlook, a view that focuses on oneself rather than others.

Authors such as Gary Thomas in his book Sacred Marriage challenge readers to understand that marriage is meant in large part to make us holy, rather than simply to make us happy. In his second chapter, Thomas writes about the value of reconciliation in marriage; when couples "stick it out" and stay together through the hard times, God uses their marriage as a kind of evangelism.

My husband and I have been married for a whole four months, and while we have run into challenges, I have not yet experienced the need to "stick it out" in my marriage. I've actually been very happy over these past few months. Which has me wondering: How can I become holy if I'm actually very happy?

I've found myself feeling guilty at times, almost in the sense that if I am happy -- and if I seek to be happy in my marriage -- that I am somehow being selfish. That in some way, if I'm happy, I lack "marriage testimonies" that are a witness to God's greatness. I wondered if God could use a young marriage to reflect Him, one with fewer challenges, in the same way He uses the marriages that have endured more hardship.

I recently picked up the book Happiness Is a Serious Problem by Dennis Prager, where he writes,

Happiness is not a selfish or frivolous concern; it is as deep and worthy a subject as good and evil. Human beings want to be happy, and they have a right to want to be. Far from being a selfish or ignoble goal, this is one of the distinguishing features of human beings.

This definitely caught my attention. Maybe God created us with the desire to be happy, I thought. So I bought the book. Prager continues to write that happiness is more than just a personal concern; it's actually a moral obligation:

We owe it to our husband or wife, our fellow workers, our children, our friends, indeed to everyone who comes into our lives, to be as happy as we can be. This does not mean acting unreal, and it certainly does not mean refraining from honest and intimate expressions of our feelings to those closest to us. But it does mean that we owe it to others to work on our happiness....

I once asked a deeply religious man if he considered himself a truly pious person. He responded that while he aspired to be one, he felt that he fell short in two areas. One of those areas, he said, was his not being a happy enough person to be considered truly pious.

His point was that unhappy religious people reflect poorly on their religion and their Creator. He was right; in fact, unhappy religious people pose a real challenge to faith. If their faith is so impressive, why aren't these devoted adherents happy? There are only two possible reasons: either they are not practicing their faith correctly, or they are practicing their faith correctly and the religion itself is not conducive to happiness. Most outsiders assumer the latter reason. Unhappy religious people should therefore think about how important being happy is -- if not for themselves, then for the sake of their religion. Unhappy, let alone angry, religious people provide more persuasive arguments for atheism and secularism than do all the arguments of atheists.

This is encouraging to me; while I may not have the testimony of big trials in marriage at this time, my happiness can still be used as a testimony to God's glory. I don't have to be 10 years into my marriage, and have "stories to tell"; God can use me where I am right now, in my happiness, just as He uses reconciliation and forgiveness, to honor Him and reflect His goodness and mercy.

This past Wednesday I arrived home from a business trip to a delightful surprise. My husband and mother-in-law had organized (and deep cleaned) our kitchen. At first I had to swallow my pride. I am a novice homemaker, as I've mentioned in other posts, and I was a bit horrified that my mother-in-law had seen the place in such disarray. But once I got over it, I was thankful for her generosity.

For years, I have seen movies, TV shows, commercials and comedy routines that villainize the "inlaws." True there are some natural tensions that may be present. Like Deborah Barone in the popular sitcom "Everybody Loves Raymond," a new bride (or seasoned one) may feel a little competition with her mother-in-law as she seeks to establish her own home and prove that she can take adequate care of the mother's little boy. Or, apron strings may not be properly severed for one or both partners, introducing an unwanted "third party" in family decisions. Some conflict may simply come from husband and wife being raised in different kinds of families.

But tensions aside, your inlaws raised a good son or daughter. (After all, you adore him or her, right?) If you make that the starting point of your relationship, you will at the very least respect your spouse's parents. Tell them how you appreciate their son or daughter — how you are thankful that they raised him or her to be a good husband or wife.

Then include them in your world as much as you can. You pick your friends, but you are stuck with your relatives. So invest in those relationships. The effort will be worth it. And a good relationship goes both ways — as my clean kitchen proves.

How have you cultivated good relationships with your spouse's family? How have you worked through tensions?

Last year, like most years, I received a hearty tax return. I put some of it toward paying off credit card debt, and I used the rest to take a trip. My husband also got a great return last year.

So, this year, with the new tax benefit of filing together as a married couple, we began to dream about how we would use the tax return that would surely be coming our way. Travel. Re-doing a room in our house. Buying a new computer. You can imagine my dismay when we sat before the tax professional about a month ago and heard these dreadful words: "Unfortunately, it looks like you are going to owe." (And to add injury to insult we had to pay HIM several hundred dollars for this enlightenment.)

What?! I asked him about three times to explain why as unbidden tears sprung to my eyes. Turns out a freelance writing project I did last year pushed me into a new tax bracket. The amount we were planning to get back now became a burdensome amount we had to pay. Thankfully, we had a bit of money coming in for another freelance project that would cover it -- but that definitely was not how I envisioned spending that money.

I hope that today, on Tax Day, you are happy and not overwhelmed. The more I have thought about our disappointing situation, the more the Lord challenged me to an attitude of gratefulness. The day we walked into that tax office, He had already provided for our unknown financial need. As fun as it would have been to have a little extra money, God knew what we needed and gave us that. Paul writes: "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" (1 Thess. 5:18). For me, paying taxes is one of those "circumstances." Happy Tax Day!

I was watching the Olympics bobsledding competition the other night and got to wondering, "What exactly are the qualifications for the person/people that sit in the back?"

It looked like the "back seaters" had some awesome calves for the two to four second start, but after that ... what? It appeared (to me, at least) that they just sit in the back, heads tucked, for the entire ride. That the entire race was dependent upon the skill of the driver.

Since I know absolutely nothing about bobsledding, I'm sure I'm wrong. There may, and probably is, much more to the "back of the bobsled" person's job than what I see. But I also got to thinking (because I'm weird that way) about submission.

I think when nonbelievers, and even some believers, hear about biblical passages such as Ephesians 5 or Colossians 3 or 1 Peter 3 where wives are called upon to submit to their husbands they think of my version of bobsledding. The wife is just along for the ride. The husband drives with his head facing forward, not worrying about those in the back as long as they have their heads tucked.

But I've learned after more than a decade of marriage, that submission doesn't really look like that at all. With apologies to those who aren't figure skating fans, I've found submission to be much closer to pairs skating. We're face to face, engaging each other. We're communicating, practicing, perfecting (or, in our case, leaning upon the Lord to perfect us). But there are still definite roles. His is to lead our family. Mine is to support that leadership.

That support may look different in different situations. Sometimes helping. Sometimes advising. Sometimes listening. Sometimes gently challenging. But always affirming that the only way for this dance to work is for us to be intentionally engaging each other and to embrace, rather than fight, our God-given roles. It's not about being in the back seat with no control over where this crazy, out-of-control thing goes. Instead, it's face to face, with (metaphorically) hands clasped and his arm around my waist, mine upon his shoulder.

Yesterday I noticed a humorous Facebook post from a friend. It said: "What Valentine's Day looks like after 46 years of marriage — my mom made a heart-shaped meatloaf covered with ketchup for lunch (or 'dinner' as they say on the farm in Iowa). Nice, if you like meatloaf (which my dad does)."

I recently heard of another couple who had been married for nearly five decades. "I feel loved by my wife," the man said, "because she brings me a cup of coffee every morning."

Wow. As a newlywed, I often think in terms of the big gestures when it comes to loving my husband — things like affirming conversations and celebrations. I don't always think about the small things that might make him feel cared for. I know for me, I feel loved when Kevin lets me park my car in our driveway (while he parks in a spot on the other side of our townhome complex). I feel cared for when he sends me an "I love you" text message during his morning break. And I even feel loved when he brings home my favorite latte. (He works at a coffee shop.)

Two weekends ago, I had to wake up hours before church on a Sunday morning to finish a freelance project. Though Kevin could have kept sleeping, he stumbled downstairs a few minutes later and made me pancakes. That is love.

What are the little things that you and your spouse do for each other? How do these "love habits" build your relationship?

I was clicking through some posts on a singles forum and came across one titled "Dream wife and Dream husband."

I admit that I was surprised at the maturity of the responses. Dream spouse characteristics included honest, church-going, non-judgmental, secure, empathetic and so on. Of course, there were some silly ones in there too: "Like Eve before the fall."

The thread got me thinking about some teaching I heard a few years ago before I got married, a talk given by Pastor Dave Harvey called "When Sinners Say I Do." The gist of the sermon was that if I enter into marriage knowing that my wife will sin, then I won't be shocked and disappointed when ... surprise ... she does sin. And she shouldn't be dismayed when I sin.

The material in the sermon (now a book) shows how you can tell whether your doctrine of sin is being applied effectively in your relationship. The first "indicator" is: "We are More Aware of Being a Sinner Than Being Sinned-Against." It's good to recognize our fallibility before we dig into our spouse for his or her fallibility.

What I took away after listening to the sermon was an encouragement to practice grace and to have realistic expectations, expectations based in what Scripture says about human nature. And to respond humbly, even gratefully, when my wife points out my sin.

I think it may be helpful to think of "The One" as someone who's sinful, just as you are. I think that's better than to think of them as the idealized "soul mate" (see this and this) with whom you'll be able to enjoy a problem-free, effortless relationship.

While it's true that we should do a good deal of work "up-front" in selecting a spouse, it's also true that because we're all sinful, a good relationship will continue to take a good deal of effort and require a good deal of grace.

When my hubbie and I had been married about two years, our Sunday School class went through a book called His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley Jr.

"This book was written to educate you in the care of your spouse," Harley writes in the introduction. He then goes on to list (from his experience as a marital counselor) the five main needs of a husband and the five main needs of a wife. That book was really eye opening for me -- in many ways. But one of the "takeaways" that I have to this day was Harley's number two need of a husband: a recreational companion.

Harley writes:

"It is not uncommon for women, when they are single, to join men in pursuing their interests. They find themselves hunting, fishing, playing football, and watching movies they would never have chosen on their own. After marriage wives often try to interest their husbands in activities more to their own liking. If their attempts fail, they may encourage their husbands to continue their recreational activities without them. I consider that option very dangerous to a marriage, because men place suprising importance on having their wives as recreational companions. The TV stereotypes paint the opposite picture, showing husbands out with the boys on fishing trips saying, 'It doesn't get any better than this.' My counseling files say it can get a lot better. In fact, among the five basic male needs, spending recreational time with his wife is second only to sex for the typical husband."

Something about that really connected with me. As I looked back over our dating time and early marriage, I could see that my hubbie seemed to get energized when we shared recreational moments together. So, I began to try to be intentional about that.

It wasn't always easy. I didn't play golf, he did. So we had several "driving range dates" where he would teach, I would try and we'd laugh a lot. He played basketball, I didn't. But I made sure that I was at every league game he played. We both liked football, so we got season tickets to our alma mater. Even just walking together in the evenings proved fruitful. I started to realize that we had as many (if not more) great talks doing things "side by side" as we did sitting down "face to face."

When kids came along, it became a little bit more of a challenge. But, even then, we bought a garage sale hiking backback and a jogging stroller and hit the trails. Or I would bring a toddler and a baby along with me to those basketball games. Or we will get a babysitter to go do a couples scramble golf night. (Love the "scramble" concept, can I just say? Way less pressure!)

My husband too, has made an effort to take on a few of my interests. There is some musical theatre he just can't stomach, but he took me to see the national tour of Wicked this last summer and we both really enjoyed it.

Currently, I'm learning to appreciate the ins and outs of fantasy football. Sometimes I cheer on his players. Sometimes I'll give him reports in between Sunday chores ("Hey, hon, Adrian just scored a touchdown!"). Sometimes I just fall asleep with him on the couch as he watches. But it all works -- and I know he appreciates that I am willing to share that with him.

Below is a picture of us recreating last weekend. We rented a cabin a few hours away from our home and spent time hiking and enjoying the views with our two kids.

In For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men, Shaunti Feldhahn quotes one husband who says, "The woman having fun with her husband is incredibly attractive. If you see a woman out playing golf with her husband, I guarantee that all the other guys are jealous. Getting out and having fun together falls off in marriage because of various responsibilities, but men still want to play with their wives."

Harley writes it this way in his book, "The couple that plays together, stays together."

For my marriage, I've found that to be good advice.