I was watching the Olympics bobsledding competition the other night and got to wondering, "What exactly are the qualifications for the person/people that sit in the back?"

It looked like the "back seaters" had some awesome calves for the two to four second start, but after that ... what? It appeared (to me, at least) that they just sit in the back, heads tucked, for the entire ride. That the entire race was dependent upon the skill of the driver.

Since I know absolutely nothing about bobsledding, I'm sure I'm wrong. There may, and probably is, much more to the "back of the bobsled" person's job than what I see. But I also got to thinking (because I'm weird that way) about submission.

I think when nonbelievers, and even some believers, hear about biblical passages such as Ephesians 5 or Colossians 3 or 1 Peter 3 where wives are called upon to submit to their husbands they think of my version of bobsledding. The wife is just along for the ride. The husband drives with his head facing forward, not worrying about those in the back as long as they have their heads tucked.

But I've learned after more than a decade of marriage, that submission doesn't really look like that at all. With apologies to those who aren't figure skating fans, I've found submission to be much closer to pairs skating. We're face to face, engaging each other. We're communicating, practicing, perfecting (or, in our case, leaning upon the Lord to perfect us). But there are still definite roles. His is to lead our family. Mine is to support that leadership.

That support may look different in different situations. Sometimes helping. Sometimes advising. Sometimes listening. Sometimes gently challenging. But always affirming that the only way for this dance to work is for us to be intentionally engaging each other and to embrace, rather than fight, our God-given roles. It's not about being in the back seat with no control over where this crazy, out-of-control thing goes. Instead, it's face to face, with (metaphorically) hands clasped and his arm around my waist, mine upon his shoulder.

Yesterday I noticed a humorous Facebook post from a friend. It said: "What Valentine's Day looks like after 46 years of marriage — my mom made a heart-shaped meatloaf covered with ketchup for lunch (or 'dinner' as they say on the farm in Iowa). Nice, if you like meatloaf (which my dad does)."

I recently heard of another couple who had been married for nearly five decades. "I feel loved by my wife," the man said, "because she brings me a cup of coffee every morning."

Wow. As a newlywed, I often think in terms of the big gestures when it comes to loving my husband — things like affirming conversations and celebrations. I don't always think about the small things that might make him feel cared for. I know for me, I feel loved when Kevin lets me park my car in our driveway (while he parks in a spot on the other side of our townhome complex). I feel cared for when he sends me an "I love you" text message during his morning break. And I even feel loved when he brings home my favorite latte. (He works at a coffee shop.)

Two weekends ago, I had to wake up hours before church on a Sunday morning to finish a freelance project. Though Kevin could have kept sleeping, he stumbled downstairs a few minutes later and made me pancakes. That is love.

What are the little things that you and your spouse do for each other? How do these "love habits" build your relationship?

I was clicking through some posts on a singles forum and came across one titled "Dream wife and Dream husband."

I admit that I was surprised at the maturity of the responses. Dream spouse characteristics included honest, church-going, non-judgmental, secure, empathetic and so on. Of course, there were some silly ones in there too: "Like Eve before the fall."

The thread got me thinking about some teaching I heard a few years ago before I got married, a talk given by Pastor Dave Harvey called "When Sinners Say I Do." The gist of the sermon was that if I enter into marriage knowing that my wife will sin, then I won't be shocked and disappointed when ... surprise ... she does sin. And she shouldn't be dismayed when I sin.

The material in the sermon (now a book) shows how you can tell whether your doctrine of sin is being applied effectively in your relationship. The first "indicator" is: "We are More Aware of Being a Sinner Than Being Sinned-Against." It's good to recognize our fallibility before we dig into our spouse for his or her fallibility.

What I took away after listening to the sermon was an encouragement to practice grace and to have realistic expectations, expectations based in what Scripture says about human nature. And to respond humbly, even gratefully, when my wife points out my sin.

I think it may be helpful to think of "The One" as someone who's sinful, just as you are. I think that's better than to think of them as the idealized "soul mate" (see this and this) with whom you'll be able to enjoy a problem-free, effortless relationship.

While it's true that we should do a good deal of work "up-front" in selecting a spouse, it's also true that because we're all sinful, a good relationship will continue to take a good deal of effort and require a good deal of grace.

When my hubbie and I had been married about two years, our Sunday School class went through a book called His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley Jr.

"This book was written to educate you in the care of your spouse," Harley writes in the introduction. He then goes on to list (from his experience as a marital counselor) the five main needs of a husband and the five main needs of a wife. That book was really eye opening for me -- in many ways. But one of the "takeaways" that I have to this day was Harley's number two need of a husband: a recreational companion.

Harley writes:

"It is not uncommon for women, when they are single, to join men in pursuing their interests. They find themselves hunting, fishing, playing football, and watching movies they would never have chosen on their own. After marriage wives often try to interest their husbands in activities more to their own liking. If their attempts fail, they may encourage their husbands to continue their recreational activities without them. I consider that option very dangerous to a marriage, because men place suprising importance on having their wives as recreational companions. The TV stereotypes paint the opposite picture, showing husbands out with the boys on fishing trips saying, 'It doesn't get any better than this.' My counseling files say it can get a lot better. In fact, among the five basic male needs, spending recreational time with his wife is second only to sex for the typical husband."

Something about that really connected with me. As I looked back over our dating time and early marriage, I could see that my hubbie seemed to get energized when we shared recreational moments together. So, I began to try to be intentional about that.

It wasn't always easy. I didn't play golf, he did. So we had several "driving range dates" where he would teach, I would try and we'd laugh a lot. He played basketball, I didn't. But I made sure that I was at every league game he played. We both liked football, so we got season tickets to our alma mater. Even just walking together in the evenings proved fruitful. I started to realize that we had as many (if not more) great talks doing things "side by side" as we did sitting down "face to face."

When kids came along, it became a little bit more of a challenge. But, even then, we bought a garage sale hiking backback and a jogging stroller and hit the trails. Or I would bring a toddler and a baby along with me to those basketball games. Or we will get a babysitter to go do a couples scramble golf night. (Love the "scramble" concept, can I just say? Way less pressure!)

My husband too, has made an effort to take on a few of my interests. There is some musical theatre he just can't stomach, but he took me to see the national tour of Wicked this last summer and we both really enjoyed it.

Currently, I'm learning to appreciate the ins and outs of fantasy football. Sometimes I cheer on his players. Sometimes I'll give him reports in between Sunday chores ("Hey, hon, Adrian just scored a touchdown!"). Sometimes I just fall asleep with him on the couch as he watches. But it all works -- and I know he appreciates that I am willing to share that with him.

Below is a picture of us recreating last weekend. We rented a cabin a few hours away from our home and spent time hiking and enjoying the views with our two kids.

In For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men, Shaunti Feldhahn quotes one husband who says, "The woman having fun with her husband is incredibly attractive. If you see a woman out playing golf with her husband, I guarantee that all the other guys are jealous. Getting out and having fun together falls off in marriage because of various responsibilities, but men still want to play with their wives."

Harley writes it this way in his book, "The couple that plays together, stays together."

For my marriage, I've found that to be good advice.

No, my husband does not have a personal hygeine problem. In this picture he's dressed up for a skit he performed in at our church's Vacation Bible School this past summer. Working with kids is one of the things he and I have enjoyed doing together; drama is another.

Before I was married I heard a debate about married life. Some married couples claimed that it was OK if partners had very few shared interests and activities (she loves to cook; he loves to run); others claimed that common interests were necessary for a thriving marriage. From my admittedly limited perspective, I think the answer may be somewhere in between.

I love to write, read, blog and communicate by posting multiple comments on my friends' Facebook pages; Kevin does not. He enjoys working on cars, offroading and hunting — things I couldn't care less about. However, despite our varying interests, there are a lot of things we enjoy doing together. Watching movies, meeting friends for coffee, taking in an occasional stage show, playing the Wii, going for drives and teaching kids.

Recently, I heard a married man in his 60s talk about the importance of couples developing shared interests. He mentioned how doing lots of things together naturally protects couples from inadvertantly developing dangerous extramarital relationships. Some affairs develop when a husband or wife spends a majority of his or her time with people other than his or her spouse. Building in shared activities provides a natural safeguard against infidelity.

With this in mind, Kevin and I are being intentional about nurturing our shared interests. Because he had the right skill set, he was able to join my improv comedy troupe. We also signed up as a couple to work with the children at our church. Beyond that, we've made plans to start running together, a form of exercise we are both capable of enjoying.

Kevin and I will always have some separate interests and hobbies. It would probably be unhealthy for us to spend every waking moment together doing the exact same activities. However, couples should be intentional about identifying shared interests that will allow them to spend large quantities of time together. For my parents it's taking Sunday afternoon drives. For my coworker it's running marathons with her husband. For my college roommate it's going on camping trips as a family.

What shared activities have you been able to develop with your spouse?

The first year or so of marriage can be filled with spats and squabbles over who does the dishes and even what kind of dish soap to buy.

In our first few months of marriage, Mike and I fought mostly about money (I'd get upset if he bought a $12 CD without discussing it with me), housework (I felt like I did all of it) and food (he liked burgers and fries while I cooked vegetarian -- and not very well, I might add).

If you're not engaging in conflict over similar issues, I'd be surprised, and possibly concerned. Marriage is the blending of two lives together. Undoubtably, you have different views and opinions on a variety of issues related to how to live life. Don't be afraid to wrestle those through.

One thing that makes fighting confusing, and even scary, is that often we don't know what we are fighting about. What started as a silly argument about whether or not to go out to eat can quickly turn into a knock-down, drag out brawl. The first and often most difficult step to a good fight is to define what you are fighting about. There are three types of conflicts in marriage:

1. External (we disagree about what kind of toothpaste to buy)
2. Relational (you hurt my feelings)
3. Dynamic (there is something not working in our relationship).

Very often, when it seems like you're fighting about an external conflict, you are really fighting about a relational or dynamic issue that you can't identify or about which you feel too vulnerable to bring up. So, the toothpaste argument might really be about not wanting to feel controlled by your spouse. Or the fight about where to spend Thanksgiving is more about wanting your husband or wife to chose you over their family of origin.

Don't be afraid of a good fight. It can simply be sparks flying as iron sharpens iron. But be careful to define the conflict. If you don't know what you're really fighting about, you can't resolve it.

A good amount of what we believe about relationships is just off. And that includes what we believe about divorce. According to David Popenoe, co-director of Rutgers National Marriage Project, the following are myths:

1. Because people learn from their bad experiences, second marriages tend to be more successful than first marriages. Not true.
2. Living together before marriage is a good way to reduce the chances of eventually divorcing. Not true.
3. Divorce may cause problems for many of the children who are affected by it, but by and large these problems are not long lasting and the children recover relatively quickly. Not true.
4. Having a child together will help a couple to improve their marital satisfaction and prevent a divorce. Not true.
5. Following divorce, the woman's standard of living plummets by seventy three percent while that of the man's improves by forty two percent. Not true.
6. When parents don't get along, children are better off if their parents divorce than if they stay together. Not true.
7. Because they are more cautious in entering marital relationships and also have a strong determination to avoid the possibility of divorce, children who grow up in a home broken by divorce tend to have as much success in their own marriages as those from intact homes. Not true.
8. Following divorce, the children involved are better off in stepfamilies than in single-parent families. Not true.
9. Being very unhappy at certain points in a marriage is a good sign that the marriage will eventually end in divorce. Not true.
10. It is usually men who initiate divorce proceedings. Not true.

If you've been divorced, please understand that you have my sympathies. I can't imagine the pain you've experienced, and may still be experiencing. For you, which of these "myths" had you already recognized as such? Do any of these statements strike you as in fact not myths?

If you haven't been divorced, were you surprised by any of these statements? Did you already know, for example, that living together before marriage actually increases your chance for divorce?