Young Married Life

10 Posts tagged with the divorce_prevention tag
11

Nothing But Our Love

Posted by Rachel_Z Aug 5, 2010

 

I've heard some newlyweds start a marriage with brand-new houses in the suburbs and new cars, taking vacations throughout their first years of marriage.

 

Not us.

 

We lived in a tiny 1970-something mobile home in a trailer park for the first 17 months and loved that place, despite the thin walls, cold winter floors and a washer that only worked intermittently (and no dryer). We had nothing but our love, yet it was everything we needed. In that time, we were able to pay off some school debt and miraculously buy a small home in an old neighborhood. It's nothing fancy, and there are no HOAs, but we really like where we live. Smaller homes mean the neighbors are outside more often, and we've gotten to know lots of them pretty well.

 

This kind of "formula" is what I've seen with many of my peers. They start marriage in a tiny apartment or a mobile home, and eventually they're able to buy a small house and maybe even a bigger house years later. But they've all started with the worn furniture and mismatched dishes, more love than crystal and china, and plenty of funny (and horrifying) stories about their "first place."

 

Though we don't have money for vacations or new furniture (gotta love used furniture stores — and craigslist), I don't envy those who do. We've struggled through hardships in our early years of marriage and have become closer because of them. In the first weeks after the birth of our child (and the ensuing colic that lasted for an agonizing 6 months), I wept to my parents: "This child is ruining our marriage! We're never going to be able to talk or even eat a meal together for who knows how long?!" My dad objected, pointing out that the hardship would draw us closer together, and that when we faced a new challenge, we'd be able to look back at the colic season and say, "We made it through that; we can make it through this."

 

Hardships are just that: hard. But they can be a breeding ground for greater intimacy, too. And as we grow in marriage and face other challenges, past hardships can give us hope that our marriage can be stronger on the other side. If we stay committed to marriage through rocky times and financial uncertainty, we can see these difficulties as an adventure to live together rather than a ploy to "ruin" our relationship.

 

What was your "first place" like? And what hardships have you faced in marriage that have brought you closer together in the end?

781 Views 11 Comments Permalink Tags: marriage, finances, conflict, divorce_prevention
6

 

Yes, it is, according to preliminary findings of a recent study, featured over at CNN.com.

 

Researchers from the University of California at San Diego, Brown and Harvard reported that having a friend, co-worker or sibling go through a divorce increases your own chances of divorce significantly. Here are the numbers:

 

  •      People with a divorced sibling are 22 percent more likely to divorce than those with married siblings
  •      People with a divorced friend are 147 percent more likely to divorce than those with friends whose marriages are intact
  •      People with divorced co-workers are 55 percent more likely to divorce than those whose co-workers marriages are intact

 

According to the study, it can even pass to friends of friends:

 

"For example, a divorcing person confides in a married friend. The married friend doesn't opt for divorce, but relays details of the divorce discussion to a third person, influencing that third person in the chain to get a divorce."

 

Why does the influence of divorce seem to travel like the flu bug? The researchers explain,

 

"The idea is based on the theory of social contagion, or the spread of behavior or emotion through a group. In this case, the heated feelings and actions of one person's divorce can be transferred like a virus, causing others to divorce, according to the study."

 

So, what might that mean for a couple who wants to stay married? Well, I think it's important to realize what the study didn't address. It doesn't tell us anything about any of the participants' beliefs about God and the institution of marriage. It could be that divorce doesn't "spread," but simply that those with similar beliefs about marriage tend to run in the same social circles. But it also might benefit me to take a good look around at what my friends and family are telling me about my marriage.

 

On The Early Show yesterday morning, "relationship expert" Ian Kerner (great last name, huh?) made an interesting comment about this study:

 

"You really spend a lot of time with [friends and family]. I think people in your life become influencers.  I think throughout life, in any situation, you have to think about, Who do I hang out with? Are they advocates of marriage? Are they enemies of marriage?"

 

Over at Boundless, we often encourage singles to pursue relationships with four things: purity, christian compatibility, intentionality and community. In truth, those aspects don't stop with "I Do." Community, especially, is still an essential aspect to a strong marriage. Do you belong to a church that encourages and equips biblical marriages? Are your friends, as Kerner asked, advocates or enemies of your marriage? Do they tear your spouse down or do they encourage you to faithfulness, patience and love? In fact, if divorce can be "contagious," I wonder if supporting each others' marriages could have the same "contagious" effect?

 

I also don't think that this study means that I need to avoid divorced friends or family members "like the plague." I should continue to reach out and relate to them with Christian love, as I would anyone. But I do need to make sure I'm always getting healthy doses of the Word and God's standards for marriage and be aware of whether the "influencers" in my life are encouraging me toward a healthy marriage.

 

But, I have to say, that co-worker stat is really intriguing. We choose our friends. We don't usually choose our co-workers. So, what would it be about a co-worker that would influence my marriage?

 

Kerner also pointed out that the workplace, sitting around having coffee during breaks or having lunch, can become a "viral atmosphere" for gossip, venting and other negative conversations. So, though I can't choose my co-workers, I need to be careful there about what I let my words and ears dwell on.

 

By the way, the study also pointed out that couples with kids are less likely to be influenced by divorces around them. So, while we often hear that couples "stay together only because of the kids," it could also be that building a family life together contributes to marital happiness and God's continuing plan for marriage. Hmm ... maybe it's time to start that family.

759 Views 6 Comments Permalink Tags: marriage, divorce, divorce_prevention
2

 

It's financial conflict, according to research included in the most recent State of our Unions report. The research found that:

 

  • Couples who report disagreeing over finances once a week are over 30 percent more likely to divorce than couples who disagree about finances a few times per month.
  • Couples who had no assets were 70 percent more likely to divorce than couples with $10,000 in assets.

 

The report states that "credit card debt and financial conflict are corrosive to marriages." Catch that? "Corrosive."

 

So what's a young couple to do?

 

Perhaps it starts with evaluating your financial position. While many of us have started off our marriages in lean financial positions, there does seem to be a significant difference between subsisting on ramen noodles and having to eat those ramen noodles while dodging bill collector phone calls.

 

Do you have credit card debt? Is it causing a strain on your marriage? Then the research indicates it's time to start getting rid of your debt and building assets together.

Having trouble doing that on your own? Perhaps it's time to take a class (many churches offer Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University or classes by Crown Financial Ministries -- some are even available online) or seek the advice of a Christian financial coach (Crown offers these) or marital counselor.

 

Whether you choose to tackle it on your own or with help, this study indicates that it's important to get started now. That financial stress is eating away at your marriage. The good news is that it doesn't have to.

590 Views 2 Comments Permalink Tags: money, debt, divorce_prevention, credit, card
7

We Are Not Helpless

Posted by Suzanne_Gosselin Jan 27, 2010

coupleresolute.jpg

 

It happened again. I just found out that a couple I really respected got divorced ... just shy of a decade after marriage. Something about this kind of news has the tendency to produce panic in me. I am too aware of my own sin and weakness, and I think, If it happened to them ...

 

As I was grappling with this discouragement yesterday, God reminded me of His words — God has not given you a spirit of fear. This verse, 2 Timothy 1:7, says the following in the NIV: "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." In pondering this verse, something occurred to me. God asks us to be on the offense in our lives, including our marriages. Defense would say, "I'm going to do whatever it takes to stand my ground against whatever Satan throws at my marriage." But in the 2 Timothy verse, Paul is advocating action ... true boldness. This would suggest that we should be on the offense for the sake of our marriages instead of waiting for trouble to come to them. Consider the three replacements for fear.

 

Power. We are not on our own when it comes to marital stress and strife. God's Spirit provides us with supernatural power to overcome. Romans 8:37 encourages: "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." Divorce is not inevitable for the Christian; God makes His power—the power that raised Jesus from the dead—available to His children. Even the most hopeless of circumstances can be redeemed and repaired through this incredible power.

 

Love. Instead of fearing what might happen to my marriage, I need to practice love. To do this, I look for every way possible to first love God and then love my husband. 1John 4:18 says: "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." As I'm walking with the Lord and loving Him, I need not fear punishment—that the beautiful thing he has done in my life will suddenly crumble. That is not His way. And Satan would like to intimidate me with that fear.

 

Self-Discipline. This concept is translated in some versions as "a sound mind." This goes back to being on the offense. I do not need to be a slave to emotions or fleshly desires that might threaten my marriage. God has given me tools to overcome. One of those is self-discipline. Are you giving Satan a foothold to distract you from truth because you are too busy to spend time with God in His Word each day? Are bad habits and addictions tearing apart your relationship? This does not need to be. God offers us the ability to exercise self-discipline, to take the steps to protect our marriages. This may require strict accountability and a commitment to truth over feelings, but the payoff is well worth the effort. A few years ago, a male co-worker of mine would ask his female administrative assistant to look through all his graphic design mail and discard anything containing inappropriate images. My friend, the assistant, always admired this man's commitment to his marriage demonstrated through this small act of self-discipline.

 

Yesterday, I needed to hear this truth from the Lord. Just because people I admire and respect have suffered the pain and loss of a broken marriage, does not mean this has to be my fate. I don't have to wait in fear for my God-ordained romance to fall apart. Sure, Satan will want to pull it apart to detract from God's glory, but my loving Father offers me another way. Not a cowering, on-the-offense fear, but a godly charge of power, love and a sound mind. What a refreshing truth.

776 Views 7 Comments Permalink Tags: marriage, divorce, divorce_prevention
5

I've Married a Sinner

Posted by Ted_Slater Dec 3, 2009

 

I was clicking through some posts on a singles forum and came across one titled "Dream wife and Dream husband."

 

I admit that I was surprised at the maturity of the responses. Dream spouse characteristics included honest, church-going, non-judgmental, secure, empathetic and so on. Of course, there were some silly ones in there too: "Like Eve before the fall."

 

The thread got me thinking about some teaching I heard a few years ago before I got married, a talk given by Pastor Dave Harvey called "When Sinners Say I Do." The gist of the sermon was that if I enter into marriage knowing that my wife will sin, then I won't be shocked and disappointed when ... surprise ... she does sin. And she shouldn't be dismayed when I sin.

 

The material in the sermon (now a book) shows how you can tell whether your doctrine of sin is being applied effectively in your relationship. The first "indicator" is: "We are More Aware of Being a Sinner Than Being Sinned-Against." It's good to recognize our fallibility before we dig into our spouse for his or her fallibility.

 

What I took away after listening to the sermon was an encouragement to practice grace and to have realistic expectations, expectations based in what Scripture says about human nature. And to respond humbly, even gratefully, when my wife points out my sin.

 

I think it may be helpful to think of "The One" as someone who's sinful, just as you are. I think that's better than to think of them as the idealized "soul mate" (see this and this) with whom you'll be able to enjoy a problem-free, effortless relationship.

 

While it's true that we should do a good deal of work "up-front" in selecting a spouse, it's also true that because we're all sinful, a good relationship will continue to take a good deal of effort and require a good deal of grace.

530 Views 5 Comments Permalink Tags: sin, communication_spouse, divorce_prevention, early_marriage, marriage_expectations
5

VBS1.jpgNo, my husband does not have a personal hygeine problem. In this picture he's dressed up for a skit he performed in at our church's Vacation Bible School this past summer. Working with kids is one of the things he and I have enjoyed doing together; drama is another.

 

Before I was married I heard a debate about married life. Some married couples claimed that it was OK if partners had very few shared interests and activities (she loves to cook; he loves to run); others claimed that common interests were necessary for a thriving marriage. From my admittedly limited perspective, I think the answer may be somewhere in between.

 

I love to write, read, blog and communicate by posting multiple comments on my friends' Facebook pages; Kevin does not. He enjoys working on cars, offroading and hunting — things I couldn't care less about. However, despite our varying interests, there are a lot of things we enjoy doing together. Watching movies, meeting friends for coffee, taking in an occasional stage show, playing the Wii, going for drives and teaching kids.

 

Recently, I heard a married man in his 60s talk about the importance of couples developing shared interests. He mentioned how doing lots of things together naturally protects couples from inadvertantly developing dangerous extramarital relationships. Some affairs develop when a husband or wife spends a majority of his or her time with people other than his or her spouse. Building in shared activities provides a natural safeguard against infidelity.

 

With this in mind, Kevin and I are being intentional about nurturing our shared interests. Because he had the right skill set, he was able to join my improv comedy troupe. We also signed up as a couple to work with the children at our church. Beyond that, we've made plans to start running together, a form of exercise we are both capable of enjoying.

 

Kevin and I will always have some separate interests and hobbies. It would probably be unhealthy for us to spend every waking moment together doing the exact same activities. However, couples should be intentional about identifying shared interests that will allow them to spend large quantities of time together. For my parents it's taking Sunday afternoon drives. For my coworker it's running marathons with her husband. For my college roommate it's going on camping trips as a family.

 

What shared activities have you been able to develop with your spouse?

546 Views 5 Comments Permalink Tags: marriage, infidelity, divorce_prevention, early_marriage, two_do_life
0

Learn from His 'Mistake'

Posted by Ted_Slater Nov 6, 2009

Sometimes we can learn from our mistakes. And sometimes we can learn from other people's mistakes.

 

Take this man, for example, who is trying to save his marriage after a stupid mistake:

 

I made a terrible mistake 5 years ago with another woman. My wife found out about it 5 years ago and I thought we were making strides toward recovery. She has now asked me for a divorce.

 

One "mistake" with another woman has changed his life forever, and for the worse. He does recognize that things have spiraled so much that without supernatural intervention, his family will become shattered:

 

This problem is out of hands, there is NOTHING I can do. The Lord has to handle this. Please, everyone who will, pray for our marriage and that my wife can recover from the hurt and pain that I have caused. Also, please pray that she will let the Lord cleanse her heart with forgiveness. I don't expect her to forget, but I really hope she will forgive me and try to work this problem through, with the Lord's help.

 

My heart breaks for this man, and I have prayed for him. I'm also praying for myself, and determining anew to be on guard against "mistakes" that can destroy my marriage and bring my life to ruin.

 

Consider joining me in praying for this man, and for yourself.

367 Views 0 Comments Permalink Tags: boundaries, sin, divorce, prayer, divorce_prevention, adultery
17

Careful How You Say It

Posted by John_Thomas Nov 3, 2009

I'm not marrying my niece; I am officiating her wedding.

 

Five of my 11 nieces are married, and she'll be the third for whom I've performed the ceremony. It has been one of the thrills of my life to get to walk with family members through the process of marriage preparation and escort them through the doors from singlehood to couplehood.

 

What's interesting is that my advice and counseling keeps morphing a little more each time I sit down with a new couple as my own experience in marriage matures. Naturally, so much of what I'll say will sort of slip in one ear and out the other, as these two high school sweethearts (soon to be college graduates) can't imagine ever having any major relationship problems (as most of us couldn't imagine). But they also have no clue of the incredible bliss that awaits as they lock arms in the valleys so they can soar together higher than they've ever dreamed.

 

So here I am again thinking about boiling down some advice so as not to overwhelm them. So I'm going to ask you to help. Give me your best marriage book and your ONE piece of advice, and I'll pass it along. Also, who gave you your best marriage advice?

849 Views 17 Comments Permalink Tags: marriage, divorce_prevention, wedding, engagement, early_marriage, preparations
2

A good amount of what we believe about relationships is just off. And that includes what we believe about divorce. According to David Popenoe, co-director of Rutgers National Marriage Project, the following are myths:

 

  1. Because people learn from their bad experiences, second marriages tend to be more successful than first marriages. Not true.
  2. Living together before marriage is a good way to reduce the chances of eventually divorcing. Not true.
  3. Divorce may cause problems for many of the children who are affected by it, but by and large these problems are not long lasting and the children recover relatively quickly. Not true.
  4. Having a child together will help a couple to improve their marital satisfaction and prevent a divorce. Not true.
  5. Following divorce, the woman's standard of living plummets by seventy three percent while that of the man's improves by forty two percent. Not true.
  6. When parents don't get along, children are better off if their parents divorce than if they stay together. Not true.
  7. Because they are more cautious in entering marital relationships and also have a strong determination to avoid the possibility of divorce, children who grow up in a home broken by divorce tend to have as much success in their own marriages as those from intact homes. Not true.
  8. Following divorce, the children involved are better off in stepfamilies than in single-parent families. Not true.
  9. Being very unhappy at certain points in a marriage is a good sign that the marriage will eventually end in divorce. Not true.
  10. It is usually men who initiate divorce proceedings. Not true.

 

If you've been divorced, please understand that you have my sympathies. I can't imagine the pain you've experienced, and may still be experiencing. For you, which of these "myths" had you already recognized as such? Do any of these statements strike you as in fact not myths?

 

If you haven't been divorced, were you surprised by any of these statements? Did you already know, for example, that living together before marriage actually increases your chance for divorce?

615 Views 2 Comments Permalink Tags: marriage, divorce, divorce_prevention, early_marriage
2

Weddings Are Deadly

Posted by Ted_Slater Oct 22, 2009

Yes, weddings are deadly. At least, for me, mine was.

 

Having been single for 36 years before finally getting married, I was concerned that I wouldn't make the transition well. I was concerned that many of the patterns and habits I picked up during my single years would be so ingrained that I'd continue them into my marriage, to the detriment of that marriage.

 

"Habits" were a big part of who I was, pre-marriage. Habits like staying up late working on my audio or Web site projects, taking naps whenever I felt like it, eating whenever (and whatever) I wanted, spending money impulsively on new musical or computer equipment, enjoying flirt-tinged conversations with single women, hanging out late with my buddies after worship band practice, arriving at work late and staying at the office late, and so on.

 

The way I prepared for married life was by telling myself, and my bride-to-be, that our wedding day marked the death of the single Ted. On Dec. 21, 2002, the single Ted would be no longer. He would be dead. And from the ashes of singleness would arise something new, a creature of one flesh made from two.

 

The truth is that it has taken years to shed some of my most self-centered habits, but I do think it was helpful to begin the process by having a specific time in mind when I would intend that those habits would no longer be what characterized me.

 

The single Ted is long dead. And the happily married Ted doesn't miss him.

626 Views 2 Comments Permalink Tags: marriage, communication_spouse, divorce_prevention, early_marriage