I’m ashamed to admit it, but the mouse almost won. Here’s what happened …

My wife has her master’s degree in education and a lot of teaching experience. I have a degree in science with many years of research practice. Therein rests a problem: We’re both very good at what we do, and we both assume “expert” status when seated at the Computer Throne.

You can almost smell the aroma of harmonious bliss wafting through the air, like freshly baked cookies, as we lovingly pursue Web searches together, can’t you?

Um, maybe not.

Our shared computer time can be more like a violent scene from Lord of the Rings. Whoever’s in control of the mouse -- “My Precious” -- controls the computer. Violence, treachery, scratching, biting, flying pencils and angry chases too often result from our individual efforts to control the mouse; meanwhile, the Eye of Google slowly scans the horizon for another victim …

Several weeks ago, we needed some information from the Web quickly. My wife beat me to the Computer Throne, but I crouched over her like a giant, dopey spider. She searched -- her way -- for the information. My way was quicker, of course, so I tried to take control of the mouse. I used the Abrupt-Snatch technique. Can you believe, she bit me on the forearm?!

Justice had to be served for her juvenile expression of anger. So, I gave her a very mature noogie-scrub on the head. She launched from the Computer Throne and a chase took us into the living room.

Here’s the great irony. Our kids were watching their parents … act like kids! Eventually, everyone broke out in laughter (and humility) when we realized the goofy drama being played out. Blame the mouse!

Seems silly, doesn’t it? We’re pursuing the same thing, but we just have different ways of finding it. As husbands and wives, we can be somewhat intolerant of our spouse’s “ways,” even though we both arrive at the same end. This is such a vivid picture of marriage as a whole.

Our story is not distinct. Many couples -- including my own parents, who have been married nearly 50 years -- have knock-down-drag-out fights when trying to work on the same computer at the same time for the same purpose.

Back on the battlefield of the Mouse Wars, we really needed to initiate a new plan to make our “unified effort” on the computer a peaceful, loving and enjoyable experience. What plan did we initiate to resolve the Mouse Wars?

One of us had to willingly surrender the mouse (control) to the other person before peace could prevail. Since we were at home, in my wife’s “domain” and area of care, I decided to give up the mouse (while biting a large stick). I even rubbed my wife’s tense shoulders while she found the information, as a gesture of goodwill (yes, I had to look at the ceiling a couple of times). It actually worked! We talked, while she searched -- her way.

If we’d been in my place of work, or in my “domain,” I’d have expected her to withdraw and let me perform the search. Mutual respect. And now that we've recently purchased a second computer, the Mouse Wars erupt even less frequently. I recall learning this same lesson in the Elementary School lunch line: Be kind, considerate and wait your turn. (And let girls go first.)

Don’t let the mouse nibble on your marriage -- you can win this war! But just remember, there is one mouse for one reason: one user. Here’s to successful, “joint-effort” Internet searches!

My wife just went out with her girlfriends, for coffee and maybe a chick flick. "Wasn't an entire weekend of socializing enough?" I thought to myself. "Why does she need to be on the phone or with people all the time?"

I kept trying to ascribe personality defects to her hyper-social characteristics. We both began to feel "in-the-wrong" and frustrations escalated. She thought I never wanted to do anything. I felt she always wanted to do everything. Arrrrrg!

Was something wrong with me or with her? After all, I was "her man" now and could meet all her needs, right?

I kept trying, until I approached the outer limits of social combustion. Completely drained, I could not bear to go out and socialize anymore! I'd rather lick a poisonous toad or eat avocado (in all its green-mush-slim-like nastiness). I couldn't be her "All." Was I a failure or just inadequate?

She required too much social interaction and I could do no more! I wanted to crawl into a deep Siberian cave, hang upside down with the bats and not emerge until springtime. And my wife was ready to go again! "Wheeeeeee!" (Somebody, put me out of my misery!)

God's timing in marriage is uncanny. Just before I bought a plane ticket to the Bat Caves of Siberia, Gary Smalley came to town and spoke on animals -- or personality types. Each personality type, or "animal," has very different outward expressions and often contrary needs.

Click! The lights were coming on. The bats flew away, and we slowly began to unravel the mystery of who we had married. My wife -- this "animal" -- finally began to make sense!

Jen is an "Otter" -- an off-the-charts Otter! Relationships, people, socializing and quality time with others fill her social requirements and provide a place for her outgoing personality to express itself. Unceasing chatter is normal for her! I was relieved to realize that her "Otterness" was not a psychological disorder.

She's whimsical, spontaneous, passionate, slightly chaotic and constantly interacting. We've coined her always-present cell phone "The Otter Toy." She could care less about her keys, purse, car, aliens or anything else if people are present. Boundaries? What boundaries? Let's talk, talk, talk until 2:00 a.m.! Who cares?

Me? I tested as a high Lion (at work) with a touch of Retriever (at home). In the Lion world, justice reigns supreme, and we are bold, independent, adventurous and very boundary-oriented. Oh, and just a few close friends are all we need in our "pride." Lions also need some "cave time" alone, to recharge between social events, which tend not to be spontaneous (unlike the Otter World), are planned and predictable.

At home, humor, fun and consistency are important Retriever qualities. I have a set territory, and I'm very intentional, protective and loyal with my family. Overall, my wife and I are very different animals with very different needs.

Gary Smalley's over-simplified personality chart lists traits of Lions, Otters, Beavers and Golden Retrievers. These have helped us and other couples find out exactly "who" and "what" they married. Unraveling this mystery helps spouses understand each other's needs, embrace them and thrive.

Take this short test as a couple and learn what kind of "animal" you married!

Hey, gotta go! Jen and her girlfriends are back from their "Mega-Otter Social-Fest," and I've enjoyed some quiet "Lion" time -- alone. Too, I had some quality "Retriever" time with the kids. Now both of us are happy, and we both understand why!

I love asking this question when my two older children are cleaning their rooms. "Not funny, Daddy," come the groans. I love it.

Happiness is a tricky thing, isn't it? For several years, it was our goal in marriage. Alfie and I passionately pursued what most of us pursue in marriage, in all of life, really: our happiness! We reasoned that if spending time together made each of us happy, which it did, then why not do it for life?!

Turns out that life is not a perpetual weekend visit. It won't surprise you that there came a time, and quickly, when my happiness and her happiness were at odds. Still happens quite a bit actually. What then? I'll tell you what we did, we simply tried to convince the other that his/her definition was unreasonable and that our personal definition was brilliant. You can imagine Dr. Phil asking, "And how's that workin' for ya?"

Does it surprise you that we needed a few post-marital counseling sessions? It sure surprised us. We were Christians!

Somewhere along the way we made a discovery that will seem simple to you, but it revolutionized our marriage: Individual happiness is not a big enough cause to sustain a healthy marriage.

I know you're saying "duh," but really, that is a huge marriage revelation. We had given mental ascent to that truth, but the reality of it was a bit of a shocker.

If our final cause in marriage is individual, personal happiness, we are in for big trouble.

The problem started before our marriage, though. Marriage was merely the catalyst that brought it to the forefront. Alfie and I never would have thought we were so into our personal happiness as single people. It was such a part of our existence, we hardly noticed it. We noticed it in everyone else, of course, but not in us.

Once our vision for our marriage became bigger than the two of us as individuals, we began to feel the plane slowly lift off the runway. When we finally zeroed in on the vision of marriage being a catalyst to our loving and knowing and becoming more like Christ, we started to fly. When holiness became our target (HT: Gary Thomas), guess what? Happiness started hanging around too. That whole horse-in-front-of-the-cart thing.

So what about you? Have you experienced the frustration of individual "happiness" as a final cause for marriage?

Last weekend, Mike and I took the boys skiing in Breckenridge. The first run of the day, we all five went up the same lift. At the top of the mountain, I asked Mike what run he thought we should go down. He said that he didn't care -- he would just follow me.

Off we went. I chose a blue run that had some mogels. Two of my kids love mogels. Halfway down the run, Mike and one of my sons (who are both learning to snowboard) had taken more than a few spills. They branched off to a different way down.

At the bottom of the mountain, Mike challenged my choice, "Why would you start out the day with mogels? We weren't even warmed up!" I responded, "You told me to pick the way down. Don't criticize my choice! Next time, you pick the route."

It got me thinking about all of the times I have done this to Mike. I ask him to lead spiritually, financially, in parenting, but then I critique and blast him for the choices he made. It's no fun to lead when you know you're going to catch heat if you make the wrong choice.

Perhaps that is why so many guys are leery of taking a leadership role in the marriage. The times they've tried, their wives have been right there, armchair quarterbacking. Eventually, he just throws his arms up in the air and says, "I'm done. You lead!"

I'd challenge you to have a conversation about this with your spouse. Wives, ask your husband if he's ever felt like I did at the bottom of that hill. Husbands, share with your wife what she can do to make leading feel safer than it does today!

One of the big questions my husband Brian and I asked when we were dating was "Do we have what it takes to be a good team?" We both thought we did. We have many of the same life goals like raising a family to know and love Jesus. We share a passion for discipleship, spiritual disciplines and strong coffee in large quantities. We both like to pose as outdoorsy people, but really want to spend our weekends reading on the couch. And even though our personalities are quite different, we were confident those differences would be more of a help than a hindrance.

We wrongly assumed that "I do" would make us the team we'd assessed our potential to be. Most days we feel like to two "I"s fighting against each other rather than a "we" working together. In his sermon "God Judges," Pastor Mark Driscoll explains that one of the effects of the fall in marriage is that too often husbands and wives stop relating to each other as allies, but as enemies. In my very short experience (five months), that's been true. Brian's on my team. He's my ally, but I treat him like he's my enemy.

Over Christmas Brian's grandmother passed away. We spent five days with his parents while the rest of the family came in from out of town and preparations were made. In the midst of great loss and stress we watched his parents working together in a way that we hope to one day be true of us. I know my in-law's story. The 34 years that they've been married isn't what has made them a good team; time alone has not done this work. It's the mornings spent together in prayer, the challenging years of raising four teenagers and the steadfast pursuit of God. Their "oneness" highlighted the immaturity of our young marriage, but was also an encouragement that given time and submission to the Holy Spirit's work in our lives we too can be more allies than enemies.

I'm going into 2010 with the realization that oneness is not something that just happens at the alter or simply comes with time, but is cultivated by hard work over time. Maybe you made a similar assessment about your and your spouse's "team potential" early on. What things have you done or experienced this side of the alter to cultivate oneness?

My husband and I love children's ministry. It's one of the things the first drew us together. In fact, it was the wordless book bracelet I was wearing -- a children's ministry tool -- that caught my husband's interest and caused him to strike up a conversation with me at Starbucks. Both of us have taught children since we were teenagers. So when we were offered the opportunity to teach the fifth and sixth grade Sunday school class at our church this past Sunday, we were excited about the opportunity.

As we set to work developing the lessons, planning how we would deliver it and assigning duties, unexpected frustrations began to crop up. I like to envision point B, the finished product -- in all its excellence and glory -- and then carefully plan every step to get there. Kevin prefers to take in the teaching material in a more comprehensive manner and then formulate point B on the spot. But we were unaware of this big style difference going into the project.

And so it happened that I ended up in tears on Sunday morning as the friction of our varying styles ignited. There was a trench coat (for our dectective skit) that needed to be ironed at the very last moment, and we were rushing out of the house to print out the needed small group leader guides. I felt out of control because so many details were yet unfinalized, and my husband, who thrives on creating in the last moment, couldn't understand my angst.

On the way to church, after we had planned enough to pull me out of panic mode, we talked about what an odd "problem" we had. Both of us are gifted teachers, and yet we achieve the same end through very different means. And once the two styles adjust to one another, they are very complementary. Kevin has a talent for the impromptu that I lack, and my interest in a well-planned message and delivery only stengthens the finished product.

At first blush, our personality differences were a problem, but upon closer inspection, we see that they actually make us a great team.

Kevin apologized for unwittingly causing me to panic and said, "I want to set you up for success." And that is the basis of true cooperation -- setting one another up to succeed. How do personality differences between you and your spouse strengthen what you can do together? What ways have you found to work together?

I was clicking through some posts on a singles forum and came across one titled "Dream wife and Dream husband."

I admit that I was surprised at the maturity of the responses. Dream spouse characteristics included honest, church-going, non-judgmental, secure, empathetic and so on. Of course, there were some silly ones in there too: "Like Eve before the fall."

The thread got me thinking about some teaching I heard a few years ago before I got married, a talk given by Pastor Dave Harvey called "When Sinners Say I Do." The gist of the sermon was that if I enter into marriage knowing that my wife will sin, then I won't be shocked and disappointed when ... surprise ... she does sin. And she shouldn't be dismayed when I sin.

The material in the sermon (now a book) shows how you can tell whether your doctrine of sin is being applied effectively in your relationship. The first "indicator" is: "We are More Aware of Being a Sinner Than Being Sinned-Against." It's good to recognize our fallibility before we dig into our spouse for his or her fallibility.

What I took away after listening to the sermon was an encouragement to practice grace and to have realistic expectations, expectations based in what Scripture says about human nature. And to respond humbly, even gratefully, when my wife points out my sin.

I think it may be helpful to think of "The One" as someone who's sinful, just as you are. I think that's better than to think of them as the idealized "soul mate" (see this and this) with whom you'll be able to enjoy a problem-free, effortless relationship.

While it's true that we should do a good deal of work "up-front" in selecting a spouse, it's also true that because we're all sinful, a good relationship will continue to take a good deal of effort and require a good deal of grace.

When my hubbie and I had been married about two years, our Sunday School class went through a book called His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley Jr.

"This book was written to educate you in the care of your spouse," Harley writes in the introduction. He then goes on to list (from his experience as a marital counselor) the five main needs of a husband and the five main needs of a wife. That book was really eye opening for me -- in many ways. But one of the "takeaways" that I have to this day was Harley's number two need of a husband: a recreational companion.

Harley writes:

"It is not uncommon for women, when they are single, to join men in pursuing their interests. They find themselves hunting, fishing, playing football, and watching movies they would never have chosen on their own. After marriage wives often try to interest their husbands in activities more to their own liking. If their attempts fail, they may encourage their husbands to continue their recreational activities without them. I consider that option very dangerous to a marriage, because men place suprising importance on having their wives as recreational companions. The TV stereotypes paint the opposite picture, showing husbands out with the boys on fishing trips saying, 'It doesn't get any better than this.' My counseling files say it can get a lot better. In fact, among the five basic male needs, spending recreational time with his wife is second only to sex for the typical husband."

Something about that really connected with me. As I looked back over our dating time and early marriage, I could see that my hubbie seemed to get energized when we shared recreational moments together. So, I began to try to be intentional about that.

It wasn't always easy. I didn't play golf, he did. So we had several "driving range dates" where he would teach, I would try and we'd laugh a lot. He played basketball, I didn't. But I made sure that I was at every league game he played. We both liked football, so we got season tickets to our alma mater. Even just walking together in the evenings proved fruitful. I started to realize that we had as many (if not more) great talks doing things "side by side" as we did sitting down "face to face."

When kids came along, it became a little bit more of a challenge. But, even then, we bought a garage sale hiking backback and a jogging stroller and hit the trails. Or I would bring a toddler and a baby along with me to those basketball games. Or we will get a babysitter to go do a couples scramble golf night. (Love the "scramble" concept, can I just say? Way less pressure!)

My husband too, has made an effort to take on a few of my interests. There is some musical theatre he just can't stomach, but he took me to see the national tour of Wicked this last summer and we both really enjoyed it.

Currently, I'm learning to appreciate the ins and outs of fantasy football. Sometimes I cheer on his players. Sometimes I'll give him reports in between Sunday chores ("Hey, hon, Adrian just scored a touchdown!"). Sometimes I just fall asleep with him on the couch as he watches. But it all works -- and I know he appreciates that I am willing to share that with him.

Below is a picture of us recreating last weekend. We rented a cabin a few hours away from our home and spent time hiking and enjoying the views with our two kids.

In For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men, Shaunti Feldhahn quotes one husband who says, "The woman having fun with her husband is incredibly attractive. If you see a woman out playing golf with her husband, I guarantee that all the other guys are jealous. Getting out and having fun together falls off in marriage because of various responsibilities, but men still want to play with their wives."

Harley writes it this way in his book, "The couple that plays together, stays together."

For my marriage, I've found that to be good advice.