I used to spend a lot of time on Facebook. Posting pictures. Checking people's status updates. Writing notes. I thrived on the instantaneous feedback it gave me. That's when I was single. Shortly after I got married, not only did my desire for Facebook wane, but I discovered that my husband feels bad when I'm on the computer during what could be "us time." So I closed the lid of my laptop and chose to go "Facebook light."

Still, I can relate (on a small-scale level) to a report published last week that talks about women's Facebook habits:

While the study covers all of social media, it’s clear that women in the 18-34 range are focused on their Facebook accounts. More than half of young women (57%) say they talk to people online more than face-to-face. A full 39% of them proclaim themselves Facebook addicts, while 34% of young women make Facebook the first thing they do when they wake up, even before brushing their teeth or going to the bathroom.

Wow. The article goes on to discuss how such Facebook habits are unhealthy for women. One section talks about its (negative) role in dating. But what about Facebook and marriage? For me, the main tension was that my social media habits were far more developed (and time-consuming) than my husband's (he'd had access to the Internet only by phone for years). So the online socialization that had once served as a lifeline to me (though probably at times an unhealthy one) became competition for my time with Kevin.

I recently watched an episode of a TV drama where a wife had become a well-known blogger and her husband felt neglected. Not only that, but he felt that her blogging habits exposed too much of their personal lives. Now I think blogging and Facebook are two different things, but it seems as if the potential pitfalls may be the same.

What do you think? Does Facebook pose any threat to a healthy marriage? Have you had to rein in your social media habits? How does Facebook enhance your marriage (if it does)?

I’ve noticed that men and women tend to deal with problems and resolution differently. Maybe I’m stating the obvious, but it can be frustrating at first in marriage.

At the risk of broadly stereotyping male and female characteristics (from a male perspective), allow me to share our experience in marriage. The nature of the problems I’m referencing is more general, not deep-seated marital conflicts that require professional counseling.

I’m also declaring public immunity from the “but-I’m-different-and-you-can’t-say-that” crowd. This is a broad generalization, or a 30,000-foot perspective, on some differences between husbands and wives different in working through common problems.

Let’s start with the brain. Research on the differences between male and female brains is fascinating (yes, I’m a Crazy Professor), and having a deeper understanding of male-female differences has actually helped our marriage. See if your marriage is similar in regard to these differences!

I’m The Female Brain (dare I even try to describe its complexity): Everyone is in the “room” [in my mind] at the same time, and they are all calling for my attention to various degrees. I’m multi-tasking – doing and thinking different things simultaneously and this is normal. It’s hard for me to think of only one thing at a time. I try to solve multiple problems simultaneously, and many problems or issues can remain in emotional flux, even after problems have been resolved. I’m always on the go!

I’m The Male Brain: I’m in a “hallway” [my mind] with doors on both sides. I choose which doors to open and which doors to close and when. I like visiting one, two, or at most, three rooms at a time. But I keep all other doors shut until I’m ready to deal with them. Doing one or two things at a time is pretty normal for me, with the most important “doors” getting opened first. I like complete resolution of problems before closing one door and moving to another room or issue. I can be turned on or shut off.

Men often incorporate logic at the expense of emotion. Women can tend to do the opposite; meanwhile, both sexes can completely miss effective reasoning and communication in the process. “I’m right” gets in the way of “what’s right,” and “I’m hurt” usually comes for a visit.

From birth, our brains are different. Males get a testosterone “brain bath,” which somewhat compartmentalizes our thinking through partial unlinking male cerebral hemispheres. This does not happen to females – both hemispheres remain fully connected. I think this helps explain some gender differences in thinking and working through problems.

As a couple, we’ve come up with a humorous term to describe “differences” between my wife and me in dealing with problems and conflict. Allow me explain “road kill.”

Imagine for a moment that a deer, cow, water buffalo or any large animal gets hit and killed on a two-lane road, blocking all traffic. The person who hit the critter is OK, although there’s a fair amount of damage to their vehicle.

Approaching this accident as a male, I would likely get out of my car, be sure the driver is OK, call whatever emergency help is needed, stay with the person until help arrives, drag the road kill off the road and drive on. (Admittedly, the red-neck side of me might also check the critter for any edible parts to take home for dinner, but that’s an embarrassing little secret best kept ‘tween you and me.) Many other guys would do the same (OK, maybe not all – not the red-neck thing).

My wife can’t comprehend how guys can just “get over” the issue, shut the door on it and move on. How insensitive of me! And I’m thinking, “What’s left here?”

My wife’s approach (and I’m sure a few other women), would be to stop, stare in horror, call police for help, and talk about the road-kill dreadfulness for hours on end. “Oh, Susie, you won’t believe what just happened …”

Meanwhile, the crows and magpies begin “circling the road kill,” and squawking about as much as my wife and her lady friends! She tends to “circle the road kill” for a long time – at least until her emotions will allow her to set the issue down inside her busy, emotionally buzzing head.

Pretty soon, there are a half a dozen of her friends circling the same “road kill” (or issue) with her on the phone and emoting for hours – sometimes it goes on for days and weeks. Anger, sadness, frustration and obsession can ensue.

In her mind, the problem or “road kill” is in the same room with everything else at the same time. All these “issues” are vying for her attention and time by different degrees – whatever screams the loudest. It can be overwhelming, especially for overburdened moms.

Jen has to emote about a problem long enough to be achieve final resolution and “bury” the issue. And then she might dig it up again! This takes time, and I do my best to be patient and understanding.

My brain is saying, “Let’s move on, we’ve dealt with this problem – it’s resolved. Done. I’ve closed the door, scooted it off the road.”

Her brain says, “But I need time to circle the road kill, process, peck, squawk, emote and give the issue a proper burial.”

What we've learned is that communicating openly about our thoughts and where we're at emotionally can usually keep hurt outside the door and diffuse much frustration.

For example, Jen doesn’t keep nagging me and dragging me back to the carcass day after day (in my mind, road kill stinks after a day or two in the hot sun). And I try to be patient, understanding and listen as Jen works through her emotional-coping process (sometimes this means talking into the wee hours of the night).

Eventually, the road kill disappears and the carcass (problem) is but a faint memory in both of our minds. And if it didn’t go away, we’d seek counseling. But it takes mutual understanding, patience and reciprocal love to navigate “road kill” in marriage successfully.

Road kill, anyone?

Yesterday I noticed a humorous Facebook post from a friend. It said: "What Valentine's Day looks like after 46 years of marriage — my mom made a heart-shaped meatloaf covered with ketchup for lunch (or 'dinner' as they say on the farm in Iowa). Nice, if you like meatloaf (which my dad does)."

I recently heard of another couple who had been married for nearly five decades. "I feel loved by my wife," the man said, "because she brings me a cup of coffee every morning."

Wow. As a newlywed, I often think in terms of the big gestures when it comes to loving my husband — things like affirming conversations and celebrations. I don't always think about the small things that might make him feel cared for. I know for me, I feel loved when Kevin lets me park my car in our driveway (while he parks in a spot on the other side of our townhome complex). I feel cared for when he sends me an "I love you" text message during his morning break. And I even feel loved when he brings home my favorite latte. (He works at a coffee shop.)

Two weekends ago, I had to wake up hours before church on a Sunday morning to finish a freelance project. Though Kevin could have kept sleeping, he stumbled downstairs a few minutes later and made me pancakes. That is love.

What are the little things that you and your spouse do for each other? How do these "love habits" build your relationship?

Kevin and I recently shared a new experience — selecting cell phones. My position on a new phone is that choosing it is ultimately an inconvenience, because I'm used to my old phone. A new phone means I have to relearn where everything is and adjust to annoying new features. Before you think I sound old and out of touch, you should know that I have access to a computer and the Internet pretty much 24/7, so I don't use my phone for anything other than making calls and sending text messages.

When I go to get a new phone, I request something that is "most like" my old phone. This is usually a basic model that I end up getting for free. Kevin, on the other hand, loves new technology. He also has less daily computer access than I do, so he depends on his phone for e-mail. The upshot? He wanted a fancy phone (Droid, anyone?). Although, choosing our new phones went off without a hitch, I discovered something: Kevin places a much higher value on having the latest technology — even at a high cost — than I do. I'm satisfied with practical electronics; he wants cutting edge.

This made me think of my brother who is a worship pastor at a small church. He has an iPhone. He and his family scrimp and save in other areas so that he can have a super-cool phone (which he utilizes to the max). In addition, he uses the budget he controls to invest in high quality equipment to run his service with excellence. His choices to purchase what he considers essential new technology have occasionally come under scrutiny. "But I need these things to run a quality service," he says.

What about you? Do you and your spouse have different levels of appreciation for the newest gadgets? Do you think a case can be made for spending more at times to possess the latest technology? Apple is the perfect example of people paying more for gadgets that are cutting-edge, quality and just downright cool (in my opinion). And that's our generation. But I can see how technical differences could lead to technical difficulties. At this point I'm content to let Kevin enjoy the latest technology — even if my boring, old phone drops less calls.

So I woke up late last night, half-way, and sensed something frightening to the side of the bed. Looking over, kinda, I saw two short, stocky creatures, like some scary dwarves you might see on Syfy. Of course, I found myself in a state of sleep paralysis, so all I could do was lay there in fear. Finally, I was able to squeak a sound out of my mouth, which helped me snap out of semi-consciousness and made the apparitions dissipate. It may sound anti-climactic, but I was able to roll over and fall back asleep pretty easily.

That got me thinking, though: What if there are spiritual beings bent on disrupting my life, specifically my marriage? If that's the case (and Scripture does reinforce the idea that evil spirits exist and want to do me harm), then what am I able to do about them? Maybe I can immerse myself more in God's Word. Maybe I can try harder to avoid the sins that seem to welcome these things. And maybe I can pray to the Lord for protection, and maybe even address these spirits directly in Jesus' name.

In his preface to The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis wrote:

There are two equal and opposite errors into which our race can fall about the devils. One is to disbelieve in their existence. The other is to believe, and to feel an excessive and unhealthy interest in them. They themselves are equally pleased by both errors and hail a materialist or a magician with the same delight.

I agree. Thinking too much about dark spirits is not good. At the same time, it's not good to dismiss the reality of their existence.

So for the sake of my family, I'll continue working on improving communication with my wife. I'll listen to Focus on the Family and read things that'll help my marriage. I'll try to take better care of my health. But I'll also pray the Lord's spiritual protection over my household -- since we're not hindered merely by wrong ideas and physical barriers, but by evil spirits as well.

My husband and I love children's ministry. It's one of the things the first drew us together. In fact, it was the wordless book bracelet I was wearing -- a children's ministry tool -- that caught my husband's interest and caused him to strike up a conversation with me at Starbucks. Both of us have taught children since we were teenagers. So when we were offered the opportunity to teach the fifth and sixth grade Sunday school class at our church this past Sunday, we were excited about the opportunity.

As we set to work developing the lessons, planning how we would deliver it and assigning duties, unexpected frustrations began to crop up. I like to envision point B, the finished product -- in all its excellence and glory -- and then carefully plan every step to get there. Kevin prefers to take in the teaching material in a more comprehensive manner and then formulate point B on the spot. But we were unaware of this big style difference going into the project.

And so it happened that I ended up in tears on Sunday morning as the friction of our varying styles ignited. There was a trench coat (for our dectective skit) that needed to be ironed at the very last moment, and we were rushing out of the house to print out the needed small group leader guides. I felt out of control because so many details were yet unfinalized, and my husband, who thrives on creating in the last moment, couldn't understand my angst.

On the way to church, after we had planned enough to pull me out of panic mode, we talked about what an odd "problem" we had. Both of us are gifted teachers, and yet we achieve the same end through very different means. And once the two styles adjust to one another, they are very complementary. Kevin has a talent for the impromptu that I lack, and my interest in a well-planned message and delivery only stengthens the finished product.

At first blush, our personality differences were a problem, but upon closer inspection, we see that they actually make us a great team.

Kevin apologized for unwittingly causing me to panic and said, "I want to set you up for success." And that is the basis of true cooperation -- setting one another up to succeed. How do personality differences between you and your spouse strengthen what you can do together? What ways have you found to work together?

I remember a scene from several years ago when I was visiting my parents over the Christmas holiday. We were all talking as mom was preparing a meal. She began recounting an experience she and Dad had recently had at her school's Christmas party (she's a teacher). "Your dad jumped in there and started talking to people and making everybody laugh," she said. "He's just so good with people!"

At that moment, I glanced over at my father and saw the most beautiful look of pride and satisfaction on his face. His wife had just bragged on him ... in public ... to his own family.

I once heard that it is a good parenting technique to praise a child in public and correct him in private. This demonstrates respect for the child and builds his self-confidence in the presence of others. These ideas take root, too. As a teenager, I often overheard my mom telling others that I was so good with children ... that they were attracted to me like a magnet. Today I am heavily involved in children's ministry.

I think public praise is a good idea for husbands and wives, too. A mentor used to quote Proverbs 27:2: "Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; someone else, and not your own lips." He made the point that we should be generous with our praise and not hold back because much true encouragement flows from public praise.

And what better person to receive praise from than your husband or wife -- the person who knows you best. Last week, we picked up a copy of a book I wrote (my first one) at the Christian bookstore. My husband couldn't help but tell the salesperson that I wrote the book. Though I was slightly embarrassed by the attention, it felt so good to have my husband praise me.

Like Proverbs 31:28 says: "Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her." We often focus on being praiseworthy, but the praiser also possesses great power.

It can be hard to believe the best in marriage.

Here's a scene that's happened more than once for me:

My wife, Candice, has gone out for a social function. The clock creeps past the time she said she'd probably be home. I call her to see if she's okay. No answer.

I start to worry. I'm thinking, "What happened? Was she in an accident?"
 
Then I start to wonder, "Is she really okay, but ignoring my calls because she wants to be out late and doesn't mind making me worry?"

This line of thinking can give me a pretty sick feeling in my stomach.

A few minutes later, I hear the garage door open and Candice comes in. She says she's sorry but she had phone problems and she wasn't able to call about the delay she ran into.

Everything's okay. I was anxious for nothing. I should have believed the best, but I didn't. Something in me wanted to assume the worst.

That temptation can come up a lot -- over budget issues, housecleaning, birthdays, calendar decisions, whether the toilet lid is left up or down, you name it. On a regular basis, we get the opportunity to assume the worst about each other or to believe the best.

You might think that believing the best is a trait for naive optimists who end up being taken advantage of, but I've heard from friends in the marriage research world that it's one of the secrets of successful couples.

They link it to that old proverb: go into finding your spouse with your eyes wide open and then live out your marriage with your eyes half shut. In other words, be discerning enough to marry a person of good character, but then give them the benefit of the doubt as you live out your lives as fallen people in need of grace.

What anxiety could you avoid, what needless fights could you skip, what relational growth could you cultivate by believing the best?