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Young Married Life

31 Posts authored by: Ted_Slater
4

Killer Marriage Tips

Posted by Ted_Slater Feb 24, 2010

 

Dr. Gary Smalley invited a couple of experts to offer six killer marriage tips.

 

A warning: It's a bit painful to watch.

 

I'm interested to hear your opinions about these tips. Have you found yourself using them with your spouse? If so, how did that work out for you?

497 Views 4 Comments Permalink Tags: stewardship, communication_spouse, roles, early_marriage, marriage_expectations, expectations, smalley
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Like Snow

Posted by Ted_Slater Feb 9, 2010

 

Before heading to bed last night I peeked out the back window and saw snowflakes drifting through the cold night air, swirling and gently settling onto the lawn. For some reason, I just love snow. Makes me feel cozy.

 

I woke up this morning to find a fresh layer of icy white flakes blanketing my yard, softening and lightening my little landscape.

 

And that got me thinking about how God can have that kind of effect on me. He can wash me in His forgiveness, "and I shall be whiter than snow." And like the snow-covered landscape, I too can become softer, lighter.

 

Maybe that's why snow resonates so much with me. It makes all things new. Just like the Lord.

100 Views 1 Comments Permalink Tags: faith
6

Sock Love

Posted by Ted_Slater Feb 4, 2010

 

So instead of grumbling again about the disarray in which I found my sock drawer, I asked my wife if, the next time she wrapped up laundry, she could match the socks before putting them away.

 

The next time the sock drawer was replenished, all the pairs of socks were nestled next to their mate, holding fast to each other with a simple roll at the open end.

 

Instead of feeling a simple lack of discontentment, and instead of simply feeling thankful that she had helped make my mornings that much more efficient, I actually felt loved.

 

Yup, I imagined my wife washing a load of laundry, moving the clothes into the dryer ... and then spending the time rifling through 20 seemingly disparate socks, finding a match for each, and gently tucking them into my sock drawer. A fruitless effort for her personally, something that doesn't personally benefit her routine, but something that makes mine go just that much more smoothly.

 

And that makes me feel loved. I feel loved, and humbled, when Ashleigh inconveniences herself for me in this way.

 

Which, naturally, makes me think of you. What makes you feel loved? Have you told your spouse what makes you feel loved? Now, why don't you take a risk and tell them?

420 Views 6 Comments Permalink Tags: home, love, communication, communication_spouse
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Demons Hate My Marriage

Posted by Ted_Slater Jan 19, 2010

 

So I woke up late last night, half-way, and sensed something frightening to the side of the bed. Looking over, kinda, I saw two short, stocky creatures, like some scary dwarves you might see on Syfy. Of course, I found myself in a state of sleep paralysis, so all I could do was lay there in fear. Finally, I was able to squeak a sound out of my mouth, which helped me snap out of semi-consciousness and made the apparitions dissipate. It may sound anti-climactic, but I was able to roll over and fall back asleep pretty easily.

 

That got me thinking, though: What if there are spiritual beings bent on disrupting my life, specifically my marriage? If that's the case (and Scripture does reinforce the idea that evil spirits exist and want to do me harm), then what am I able to do about them? Maybe I can immerse myself more in God's Word. Maybe I can try harder to avoid the sins that seem to welcome these things. And maybe I can pray to the Lord for protection, and maybe even address these spirits directly in Jesus' name.

 

In his preface to The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis wrote:

 

There are two equal and opposite errors into which our race can fall about the devils. One is to disbelieve in their existence. The other is to believe, and to feel an excessive and unhealthy interest in them. They themselves are equally pleased by both errors and hail a materialist or a magician with the same delight.

 

I agree. Thinking too much about dark spirits is not good. At the same time, it's not good to dismiss the reality of their existence.

 

So for the sake of my family, I'll continue working on improving communication with my wife. I'll listen to Focus on the Family and read things that'll help my marriage. I'll try to take better care of my health. But I'll also pray the Lord's spiritual protection over my household -- since we're not hindered merely by wrong ideas and physical barriers, but by evil spirits as well.

467 Views 2 Comments Permalink Tags: satan, prayer, communication, spiritual_leadership, demons
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"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character."

 

I share that dream for my three little children, a dream explored in the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s most deservedly influential speech.

 

Why has MLK's speech endured? Why are we hearing excerpts of it today on TV and talk radio? Because it's true: While skin color, ethnicity, cultural heritage, and the such are of some interest, those things ultimately define neither us nor our neighbors.

 

Today, as I remember the work of Rev. King, I'm finding my very understanding of "race" challenged. Maybe I need to move beyond the concept of "race relations," perhaps even doing away with using the term "race" altogether, at least as it's typically defined. After all, what if this premise -- that "race" is even relevant -- is the very obstacle keeping us from true reconciliation, from making peace with those who look different from us?

 

If you're intrigued by any of this, I challenge you to read the following four-part series by Thabiti Anyabwile and leave your comments below. If you're on Facebook, I'd further challenge you to share these articles there, with the hopes of extending this discussion outside of the Focus on the Family community.

 

204 Views 1 Comments Permalink Tags: stewardship, traditions, culture
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I found myself thinking last night about differences between expressions of praise that are beautiful and crafty, and those that are clumsy and seemingly uninspired. Naturally I'm drawn to the former and sometimes tolerate the latter.

 

I can appreciate well-executed art, especially if it's godward. I love to hear a good Christian band get in a worship groove. I'm moved by well-crafted essays or poems that explore the grace of God and how fathomless His great love is in spite of my sin. I can't help but think that Handel's "Messiah" is the pinnacle of worship.

 

But then my thoughts go back some 15 years to a weekend retreat I attended during my days in undergrad....

 

A group of us from the college InterVarsity group were out of town together, spending the night in a church. Bedding and backpacks were spread throughout the sanctuary and adjoining classrooms; friends were gathered here and there to talk about the Lord, or about football. It was fairly late and I had already crawled into my sleeping bag. A friend was reading her Bible a few sleeping bags away, and began singing quietly. Her voice was sweet, but painfully out of tune. As she continued singing gently her adoration to the Lord, I was moved by her simple faith and honesty and tender passion for who the Lord was and what He'd done for her. And 15 years later, I still remember the time I drifted off to sleep in the presence of pure grateful out-of-tune worship.

 

And that makes me want to reevaluate my criteria for "good worship." Scripture speaks of a "joyful noise," and how it's good to make one. The heart of worship is more significant than the tone of worship.

 

I'm reminded of something G.K. Chesterton wrote a century ago: "If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly." It's better to make a fool of yourself engaging the Lord than to play it cool and remain disengaged.

 

And I'm reminded of a song Chris Tomlin wrote a few years ago, "The Way I Was Made," which includes the lines:

 

I want to live like there's no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one's around
I want to sing like nobody's listening
Before I lay my body down

 

An out of tune melody, an awkward moment of grateful sobbing, a simplistic song, the seemingly purposeless pouring of perfume on Someone's feet ... can all honor the Lord if the heart is true. Beautiful, intricate works of art may honor the Lord, yes, but a grateful heart poorly expressed pleases Him no less than Handel.

 

May I look to engage the Lord more truly and passionately, at the expense of my being seen as credible or sophisticated. And may I not be so quick to look down on others' godward expressions just because I happen to find them unpleasant.

168 Views 0 Comments Permalink Tags: music, stewardship, worship, church, worship_music
6

I Appreciate Rich People

Posted by Ted_Slater Dec 18, 2009

 

It's clear that those who have a good deal of money tend not to be as acutely aware of their need for the Lord. Which often makes it difficult for them to turn to Him for salvation.

 

But Scripture is clear that some people are rewarded for their obedience with financial wealth. Those who are faithful with little are given more. Some of Jesus' disciples were rich, after all.

 

And that means that the accumulation of wealth is not inherently a bad thing.

 

I, for one, appreciate rich people. I tuned into a show last night that featured the homes of the very wealthy. The artwork and craftsmanship was stunning. It made me starkly aware of the potential that people have to create beautiful work. If it weren't for these wealthy individuals, artists and craftsmen wouldn't have had the funds to produce such beauty.

 

I think about works of art through the centuries -- paintings, carvings, music, and the like -- that wouldn't exist were it not for wealthy patrons. And I'm grateful for their contributions.

 

Earlier this week I was reminded how Boundless, Focus on the Family's ministry for young adults, began. A wealthy individual had a vision for a publication that would encourage 20-somethings toward intentional, godly living. And in 1998 he wrote a check for $100,000 to get things started. I'm grateful for his contribution.

 

Yes, there are many rich people who are entirely selfish, who use their money to subjugate and oppress others, to insulate themselves from the needs of those around them. They may even get their money at others' expense or through immoral means.

 

But there are many others who have been financially blessed for whatever reason, and who use their money to improve the world around them. And I do not resent them for their money; that's the knee-jerk response schismatic demagogues like Marx would want me to have. No, I am grateful for their contribution to the beauty and edification of this world.

 

I appreciate rich people.

 

(I should add that I really struggled to find an image to accompany this blog post. Most of the ones I found online represented wealthy people as self-obsessed phonies who made, and spent, their money in unethical ways. Sigh.)

465 Views 6 Comments Permalink Tags: stewardship, money, finances, wealth
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Make Friends

Posted by Ted_Slater Dec 16, 2009

 

A while ago Boundless author Thabiti Anyabwile wrote some suggestions on "How Not to Lose Your Faith in College." While the entire article is helpful for college students in particular, one word of advice, "Choose your friends with biblical criteria in view," struck me as especially insightful for those in any stage of life, including married couples. Here's an excerpt:

 

Though we talk about "making friends," few people really set out to "make" them. However, intentional cultivation of friendships may make all the difference between a rich college experience and one filled with frustration, alienation, broken relationships, and other kinds of pains. Since most adults look back on their college days as the time when they discovered lifelong friends, being intentional at this point is fairly important.

 

Sometimes we can take the romantic view that friendships "just happen." But more often than not, I've found that meaningful friendships have to begin with intentionality, by identifying someone who you'd like to have as a friend. A good place to find those people is at church.

 

For example, my wife and I've just begun attending a new small group at church. There are four other couples in the group and, though we've just met them, I can't help but think of them as friends that I just don't know well yet. The context -- a group of Christians in a similar season of life, each person interested in growing in godliness and sharing their lives -- is bound to facilitate rich friendships.

 

Everyone wants friends. I do. And so I am intentional in seeking them out, in this case at church. How do you make friends?

330 Views 2 Comments Permalink Tags: home, community, church, friendships
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Comforting Revelation

Posted by Ted_Slater Dec 11, 2009

 

My baby daughter awoke and began crying, so I walked in to her room to see how I could help.

 

After checking her diaper and giving her a bit of bottle, I set her back in her crib. She was still whimpering a bit, so I began to sing gently over her. As I stroked her head and sang of Christ's love for her, and her parents' love for her, she quieted and drifted off into a peaceful slumber.

 

As I sang over her.

 

Walking back to my room I found myself stunned at this revelation: Just as her papa sang peace over her, so my Papa sings peace over me. Never in my 37 years as a single guy had this truth been so vividly revealed. Never before had I gotten such a vision of the fatherly love God has for me.

 

The Lord has many blessings for those in their single years. But some He reserves for the married-with-children years.

499 Views 3 Comments Permalink Tags: marriage, faith, love, children
6

 

I'm not a big fan of pop psychology, but I have found Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages helpful as I think how to love my wife and as I think about what makes me feel loved. For those of you who generally stick to Spurgeon and Edwards and à Kempis, Dr. Chapman describes the five "languages" on his Web site.

 

I found an online test that may help you narrow down which of your "love languages" is dominant. I took the test. Here are my results:

 

  • Quality Time: 8
  • Words of Affirmation: 7
  • Physical Touch: 7
  • Acts of Service: 6
  • Receiving Gifts: 2

 

It's either "balanced" or "boring," depending on how you look at the results. I suppose the telling result is that I don't get much out of receiving gifts, so maybe save your money and instead spend time on Young Married Life and send me an e-mail affirming how much you appreciate our work.

 

Again, I tend not to put much faith in popular faddish psychological self-help books. But I do see some value in understanding what "fills your love tank" and what makes your spouse feel loved. Maybe take the test and share your results with us (and with your spouse). And let me know how you find this assessment helpful.

455 Views 6 Comments Permalink Tags: love, communication_spouse, love_language
7

Are You Shy?

Posted by Ted_Slater Dec 7, 2009

 

I found myself on a singles discussion board the other day, reading an entry from a young man who shared the following:

 

I am male. I am single. I've always been shy, but I've improved. I've gotten to where I can actually talk to beautiful women.

 

However, there's one particular woman in the Singles group at church who is extremely beautiful, and manages to turn my brain into mush. If I try to talk to her, I end up saying/doing something stupid. Any suggestions?

 

While I can relate to his situation, I think we're harmed by using the innocuous word "shy." Such a term is not biblical, and so biblical counsel on how to overcome "shyness" can't be found, leaving this man with little hope.

 

The biblical term for this young man's feeling of insecurity is "fear of man" -- an anxiety about what others will think of you if you say or do something. The "antidote" for fear of man, now that we've identified the term, is simple: fear God instead. Consider the dangers of "fear of man":

 

The fear of man lays a snare,
but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe. (Proverbs 29:25)

 

Now consider the rewards of "fear of God":

 

Behold, thus shall the man be blessed
who fears the LORD. (Psalm 128:4)

 

The LORD is on my side; I will not fear.
What can man do to me? (Psalm 118:6)

 

When Scripture speaks of fearing God, it's encouraging us to value God's opinion of us rather than the mere opinions of other people. If God is leading you to say or do something, then when you say or do those things, you are the recipient of His favor. No reason to fear man when the Lord is smiling on you; after all, when the Lord is on your side, what can man do to you?

 

Let me encourage you to reconsider the "shyness" that might be evident in your own life. Instead of claiming that you can't say or do something because you're "shy," confess that you're "fearing man" and pray that the Lord change your heart to instead fear Him. And He will reward your faithfulness.

352 Views 7 Comments Permalink Tags: faith, communication, fear
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You Will Die

Posted by Ted_Slater Dec 5, 2009

 

Memento mori.

 

I first heard that phrase in grad school. The professor was challenging us to consider that we've got a finite number of days on this earth, and that we should make the most of them. Psalm 90:12 reinforces this sober appeal: "So teach us to number our days, that we may get a heart of wisdom."

 

In the past few weeks, I've been reminded of our temporariness here. Like that jug of milk in my refrigerator, I've got an expiration date. And you do too. Every day there are new obituaries in our newspapers, listing the elderly and the young, the famous and the obscure. Each life loved by a parent, a spouse, a child, a friend. Their time has come to an end; they have "shuffled off this mortal coil" and moved on.

 

I confess that I do think about my untimely death sometimes, even though my wife doesn't want to hear me admit that. I think about the day my three daughters will no longer be able to see their papa. I think about how lonely my wife will be laying in bed, next to the impression I made over the course of many years sleeping with her. I think of all the things left undone, the opportunities missed. And I'm reminded of two things: that death is an unfathomable tragedy, and that I must embrace today as a priceless gift from the Lord -- a gift to be relished and a gift to be shared with others.

 

May we savor today, while being heartened by that day of hope when we finally see the Lord and our other loved ones face-to-face. May we live today in light of that day.

 

Memento mori. Remember that you too will die.

265 Views 2 Comments Permalink Tags: stewardship, death, dying
5

I've Married a Sinner

Posted by Ted_Slater Dec 3, 2009

 

I was clicking through some posts on a singles forum and came across one titled "Dream wife and Dream husband."

 

I admit that I was surprised at the maturity of the responses. Dream spouse characteristics included honest, church-going, non-judgmental, secure, empathetic and so on. Of course, there were some silly ones in there too: "Like Eve before the fall."

 

The thread got me thinking about some teaching I heard a few years ago before I got married, a talk given by Pastor Dave Harvey called "When Sinners Say I Do." The gist of the sermon was that if I enter into marriage knowing that my wife will sin, then I won't be shocked and disappointed when ... surprise ... she does sin. And she shouldn't be dismayed when I sin.

 

The material in the sermon (now a book) shows how you can tell whether your doctrine of sin is being applied effectively in your relationship. The first "indicator" is: "We are More Aware of Being a Sinner Than Being Sinned-Against." It's good to recognize our fallibility before we dig into our spouse for his or her fallibility.

 

What I took away after listening to the sermon was an encouragement to practice grace and to have realistic expectations, expectations based in what Scripture says about human nature. And to respond humbly, even gratefully, when my wife points out my sin.

 

I think it may be helpful to think of "The One" as someone who's sinful, just as you are. I think that's better than to think of them as the idealized "soul mate" (see this and this) with whom you'll be able to enjoy a problem-free, effortless relationship.

 

While it's true that we should do a good deal of work "up-front" in selecting a spouse, it's also true that because we're all sinful, a good relationship will continue to take a good deal of effort and require a good deal of grace.

328 Views 5 Comments Permalink Tags: sin, communication_spouse, divorce_prevention, early_marriage, marriage_expectations
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The 'But God' Gap

Posted by Ted_Slater Nov 30, 2009

During yesterday's devotions I was reminded again how much I love the "But God" verses. Consider Ephesians 2:1-7, for example:

 

And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience -- among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind.

 

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ -- by grace you have been saved -- and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.

 

I had everything against me. I was not "sick," but "dead" in my sins. I was following the "prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience." I was a slave to "the passions of my flesh." I was by nature a "child of wrath."

 

I was in an unfathomable predicament.

 

Ah, but God....

 

I find that as I meditate on the gap between the severity of my helpless condition and the Lord's insurmountable grace, and how He so mercifully and sovereignly chose to make me "alive together with Christ," my love and appreciation for Him deepens. Other "But God" passages include Romans 5:7-8, 1 Corinthians 1:25-29, and Galatians 3:18.

 

May my ever-widening grasp of this "But God Gap" serve to stir my affections and expand my love for the Lord.

647 Views 0 Comments Permalink Tags: faith, church, gratitude
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I love to cook. For me, it's a joy to put together a good meal for my friends and family.

 

I've got a good knife, a couple of good cutting boards, a non-stick pad and rolling pin, a stove that has two ovens in it, a deep fryer, a gas grill and a few other gadgets.

 

But the coolest thing is that I've got a shelf full of good spices. Let's go through it together, shall we? Rubbed sage, parsley flakes, oregano, ground coriander seed, ground cumin, Dalmatian sage leaves, rosemary leaves, liquid smoke, kosher salt, Indian Malabar peppercorns, fennel seed, marjoram leaves, yellow mustard seed, cayenne pepper, chipotle chile pepper, whole cloves, cilantro, herbes de provence, sweet paprika, regular paprika, thyme, ground Mediterranean oregano, vanilla extract, bay leaves, ground nutmeg, whole cardamom, anise seed, dill weed, whole Jamaica allspice, poppy seed, curry powder, crushed red pepper, Mediterranean basil leaves, ground mustard, Stubb's chile-lime spice rub, juniper berries, cumin seed and something in a small Tupperware container that I don't recognize.

 

In the fridge I've got some aged balsamic vinegar, onions, garlic, cornichons, ginger, capers, lemon juice, Mr. Yoshida's marinade, organic chicken and beef broth, mole sauce, biryani curry paste, tandoori marinade and horseradish. Of course I have some EVOO and sesame oil and ghee and butter to bring the flavors to life.

 

I was whipping up some homemade chicken noodle soup the other day, and it struck me how God conceived of such a variety of foods and spices. He could have provided us one type of nourishment, and bodies that couldn't appreciate flavor. And that would have been all right. But instead, He saw fit to create for our enjoyment a diversity of tastes and textures.

 

What am I to think of such a powerful God who in His manifold generosity went through all the effort to make our lives not just endurable, but enjoyable? What a kind God; His kindness is witnessed even in the diversity of food He's provided us to enjoy.

268 Views 4 Comments Permalink Tags: health, cooking, food, kitchen
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