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Young Married Life

34 Posts authored by: Ted_Slater

 

Focus on the Family is strongly pro-life. In fact, one of our six guiding principles is:

 

We believe that human life is created by God in His image. It is of inestimable worth and significance in all its dimensions, including the preborn, the aged, the mentally disabled, those deemed unattractive, the physically challenged, and every other condition in which humanness is expressed from the single cell stage of development to natural death. Christians are therefore called to defend, protect, and value all human life.

 

Specifically, when it comes to life in the womb, we encourage women to carry their children to term, regardless of whether the pregnancy is deemed "inconvenient," or whether the child has been prenatally diagnosed with a birth defect or other such problem. A preborn child is a living human being made in the image of God, irrespective of the circumstances surrounding that child's conception or birth.

 

There are very rare instances, however, in which treatments necessary to preserve the life of the mother might result in the loss of the preborn child. In this type of situation, in which the life of the mother is at stake, some couples are faced with the heartbreaking decision to save the mother's life at the expense of the child's.

 

For the sake of precision, I'm simply going to copy-paste a response that Focus on the Family wrote, with guidance from our Physicians Resource Council, to one person who contacted us about these situations ...

 

What should a pregnant woman do if her physician tells her that carrying her baby to term will place her own life at risk?

 

From our perspective, this is one of those rare, agonizing situations in which there are no simple right-or-wrong answers. Our initial reaction would be to suggest that this mom seek a second opinion about her condition from a different doctor, preferably a doctor with strong pro-life convictions. If the diagnosis remains unchanged, then we would have to concede — though sadly and reluctantly — that this may be a case in which ending a pregnancy is a rightful consideration.

 

Why do we say this? Because we recognize that what this dilemma really entails is a conscious choice between two equally precious lives. If the baby lives, the mother dies, and vice versa. Is it right to sacrifice the woman — a woman who may be someone else's mother, wife, or daughter — in order to save the child? What kind of secondary factors and circumstances should guide us making this terrible choice? Obviously there is no easy solution. Either option carries painful and regrettable ramifications for everyone concerned.

 

Extreme medical emergencies may arise that threaten the life of both mother and child. In the case of tubal (or ectopic) pregnancies, the child has essentially no chance of survival, while the threat to the mother's life is very real, very high, and grows as the pregnancy progresses. In this case, a health care professional may provide treatment that results in the ending of the pregnancy in order to save the life of the mother — obviously with the patient's informed consent.

 

This is an agonizing situation, but it is nevertheless consistent with a pro-life ethic which seeks to preserve life. The action is taken to save one life where otherwise two lives will be lost. This is also completely different from elective abortion, which entails the purposeful killing of a preborn child for the sake of terminating an unwanted pregnancy.

 

That said, several of the pro-life physicians we spoke with mentioned that it is imperative that ultrasound be used to verify that a twin embryo is not present in the uterus, as any drug administered to terminate the pregnancy would affect both the ectopic and the uterine pregnancy. In the case where a uterine pregnancy is also detected, surgical treatment is considered a better option for an ectopic pregnancy, in order to give the twin in the womb the best chance for survival.

 

Please don't misunderstand. We're aware that there are many people who feel strongly that terminating a pregnancy is wrong in every instance, regardless of the circumstances. What's more, we agree one hundred percent with those who contend that the humanness of the child is not dependent upon the health or welfare of the mother. That doesn't change the fact that, in a scenario like this, a decision of some kind has to be made. There's simply no way around it.

 

We should hasten to add that we pointedly disagree with those who expand the phrase "life of the mother" to read "health of the mother." Under this broader interpretation almost any temporary discomfort during pregnancy can be used to justify an abortion. In fact, Doe v. Bolton, the United States Supreme Court case that along with Roe v. Wade legalized abortion in 1973, allows abortion for virtually any or no reason at all under the guise of "health of the mother." From our perspective, this is altogether different from those few cases in which the continuation of pregnancy places a mother's life in grave danger.

 

There you go. Even as I read over and edit this blog, I find myself heartbroken. I know what it's like to lose a baby before she's had a chance to take her first breath. The loss of life, including preborn life, is truly heartbreaking.

 

Sometimes, though, we're faced with unfathomably difficult scenarios ... and we weep alongside those women who've had to make that difficult decision to end their pregnancies under these circumstances.

 

* * *

 

For more information, consider the following:

 

 

Focus on the Family also has counselors and care specialists who are available weekdays to talk with you, provide information and encouragement, suggest resources, give referrals and pray with you. If you are struggling, and would like to talk with one of them, you can find more information here.

 

For the sake of sensitivity toward those who are wrestling with this issue, we are not accepting comments. If you'd like to share your thoughts with us, you're free to e-mail them to editor@boundless.org

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Burying Our Baby's Body

Posted by Ted_Slater Apr 22, 2010

 

Earlier this month, my wife and I learned that the baby she's been carrying had died. I wrote about that in "Losing Our Baby."

 

This week, we visited her grave, planting a tulip in the freshly turned dirt.

 

My wife wrote about this experience on her blog:

 

We didn't have a funeral, but the hospital gave us the option of having Noah's body buried at this memorial; she shares the grave with other preborn infants who have died. I believe a Catholic Diocese pays for any costs related to it, so it's free to parents. Yesterday was our first time out there. It looked like they had recently buried more babies, which probably included Noah, so I'm glad we didn't go earlier. Plus, I didn't feel ready until just recently.

 

The hospital conducts Memorial Services four times a year. We will be attending one in May, alongside the other parents who have also lost babies. We did have the option of making our own arrangements as far funeral and burial if we wanted, but honestly, we couldn't afford those expenses. I am so grateful that we were given the option to choose what happened to Noah's body and that the hospital we were at has done so much to help us and other grieving parents.

 

One of the items on the top of my "gratefulness" list the last three weeks, is the sensitivity and kindness of the hospital and its staff. While we may not be able to get a death certificate (some states, including Colorado, grant those for preborn babies who have died at 20 weeks or later), they have treated Noah so respectfully -- they've recognized her life as important. And, as a mommy, that means so much to me. I am incredibly thankful for the people who originally established this baby memorial and those who continue to make it available to parents.

 

I share my wife's gratefulness that, though our baby graced this earth for but a few short weeks, her tiny body has been carried and laid down with the utmost respect.

592 Views 1 Comments Permalink Tags: miscarriage, baby, death, suffering
6

Losing Our Baby

Posted by Ted_Slater Apr 14, 2010

 

Earlier this month, on a Wednesday morning, I slipped our new videocamera into my jacket pocket and headed out the door with my wife and oldest daughter. We were going to the hospital to hear our 10-week-old baby's heartbeat for the first time, and I wanted to capture that exciting moment.

 

We arrived and checked in, and then were ushered to an examination room where we'd hear that heartbeat. The medical technician pressed the fetal doppler unit against my wife's belly and moved it around. My daughter moved to the side to get a closer look. We heard my wife's heart, pulsing slowly. We heard unknown swishes and gurgles. But that baby's heartbeat was elusive.

 

The technician moved us to another room, where our doctor would take a closer look using an ultrasound machine. Once again a medical device was pressed up against my wife's belly, this time not to listen, but to see. The doctor moved the monitor so that my wife could see better. My daughter sat on my lap, excited to see the tiny baby that was growing inside her mommy's belly, excited to get a peek at her new baby brother or sister.

 

"This doesn't look good," the doctor whispered.

 

The monitor showed an open space, which I interpreted as my wife's uterus. No spine, no little appendages. Just an open space.

 

Our doctor zoomed in. On the left side of the open space was a small clump, affixed to the uterine wall. He measured it at less than half an inch -- not the size you'd expect from a 10-week-old baby. Tears came to my wife's eyes. Her face flushed.

 

The doctor left and came back with two assistants. After another exam, the doctor confirmed with us that the baby had died, probably some time in early March. He assured us that it wasn't our fault, that sometimes this just happens.

 

I close my eyes and my imagination goes back a month. I see this tiny baby boy or girl, its tiny heart clicking away at 140 beats per minute. To the degree it's able, it's feeling secure, and loved. Then something goes terribly wrong. And our tiny baby with a full-grown spirit opens her eyes not her mommy's face, but her Savior's face.

 

When we got home from the hospital, my wife went upstairs to be alone and my daughter went to the back yard to play with her sisters. I walked to the family room, took the videocamera out of my pocket, and laid it gently on the counter.

625 Views 6 Comments Permalink Tags: marriage, children, miscarriage, baby, death, suffering
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Killer Marriage Tips

Posted by Ted_Slater Feb 24, 2010

 

Dr. Gary Smalley invited a couple of experts to offer six killer marriage tips.

 

A warning: It's a bit painful to watch.

 

I'm interested to hear your opinions about these tips. Have you found yourself using them with your spouse? If so, how did that work out for you?

702 Views 4 Comments Permalink Tags: stewardship, communication_spouse, roles, early_marriage, marriage_expectations, expectations, smalley
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Like Snow

Posted by Ted_Slater Feb 9, 2010

 

Before heading to bed last night I peeked out the back window and saw snowflakes drifting through the cold night air, swirling and gently settling onto the lawn. For some reason, I just love snow. Makes me feel cozy.

 

I woke up this morning to find a fresh layer of icy white flakes blanketing my yard, softening and lightening my little landscape.

 

And that got me thinking about how God can have that kind of effect on me. He can wash me in His forgiveness, "and I shall be whiter than snow." And like the snow-covered landscape, I too can become softer, lighter.

 

Maybe that's why snow resonates so much with me. It makes all things new. Just like the Lord.

200 Views 1 Comments Permalink Tags: faith
6

Sock Love

Posted by Ted_Slater Feb 4, 2010

 

So instead of grumbling again about the disarray in which I found my sock drawer, I asked my wife if, the next time she wrapped up laundry, she could match the socks before putting them away.

 

The next time the sock drawer was replenished, all the pairs of socks were nestled next to their mate, holding fast to each other with a simple roll at the open end.

 

Instead of feeling a simple lack of discontentment, and instead of simply feeling thankful that she had helped make my mornings that much more efficient, I actually felt loved.

 

Yup, I imagined my wife washing a load of laundry, moving the clothes into the dryer ... and then spending the time rifling through 20 seemingly disparate socks, finding a match for each, and gently tucking them into my sock drawer. A fruitless effort for her personally, something that doesn't personally benefit her routine, but something that makes mine go just that much more smoothly.

 

And that makes me feel loved. I feel loved, and humbled, when Ashleigh inconveniences herself for me in this way.

 

Which, naturally, makes me think of you. What makes you feel loved? Have you told your spouse what makes you feel loved? Now, why don't you take a risk and tell them?

678 Views 6 Comments Permalink Tags: home, love, communication, communication_spouse
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Demons Hate My Marriage

Posted by Ted_Slater Jan 19, 2010

 

So I woke up late last night, half-way, and sensed something frightening to the side of the bed. Looking over, kinda, I saw two short, stocky creatures, like some scary dwarves you might see on Syfy. Of course, I found myself in a state of sleep paralysis, so all I could do was lay there in fear. Finally, I was able to squeak a sound out of my mouth, which helped me snap out of semi-consciousness and made the apparitions dissipate. It may sound anti-climactic, but I was able to roll over and fall back asleep pretty easily.

 

That got me thinking, though: What if there are spiritual beings bent on disrupting my life, specifically my marriage? If that's the case (and Scripture does reinforce the idea that evil spirits exist and want to do me harm), then what am I able to do about them? Maybe I can immerse myself more in God's Word. Maybe I can try harder to avoid the sins that seem to welcome these things. And maybe I can pray to the Lord for protection, and maybe even address these spirits directly in Jesus' name.

 

In his preface to The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis wrote:

 

There are two equal and opposite errors into which our race can fall about the devils. One is to disbelieve in their existence. The other is to believe, and to feel an excessive and unhealthy interest in them. They themselves are equally pleased by both errors and hail a materialist or a magician with the same delight.

 

I agree. Thinking too much about dark spirits is not good. At the same time, it's not good to dismiss the reality of their existence.

 

So for the sake of my family, I'll continue working on improving communication with my wife. I'll listen to Focus on the Family and read things that'll help my marriage. I'll try to take better care of my health. But I'll also pray the Lord's spiritual protection over my household -- since we're not hindered merely by wrong ideas and physical barriers, but by evil spirits as well.

632 Views 2 Comments Permalink Tags: satan, prayer, communication, spiritual_leadership, demons
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"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character."

 

I share that dream for my three little children, a dream explored in the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s most deservedly influential speech.

 

Why has MLK's speech endured? Why are we hearing excerpts of it today on TV and talk radio? Because it's true: While skin color, ethnicity, cultural heritage, and the such are of some interest, those things ultimately define neither us nor our neighbors.

 

Today, as I remember the work of Rev. King, I'm finding my very understanding of "race" challenged. Maybe I need to move beyond the concept of "race relations," perhaps even doing away with using the term "race" altogether, at least as it's typically defined. After all, what if this premise -- that "race" is even relevant -- is the very obstacle keeping us from true reconciliation, from making peace with those who look different from us?

 

If you're intrigued by any of this, I challenge you to read the following four-part series by Thabiti Anyabwile and leave your comments below. If you're on Facebook, I'd further challenge you to share these articles there, with the hopes of extending this discussion outside of the Focus on the Family community.

 

308 Views 1 Comments Permalink Tags: stewardship, traditions, culture
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I found myself thinking last night about differences between expressions of praise that are beautiful and crafty, and those that are clumsy and seemingly uninspired. Naturally I'm drawn to the former and sometimes tolerate the latter.

 

I can appreciate well-executed art, especially if it's godward. I love to hear a good Christian band get in a worship groove. I'm moved by well-crafted essays or poems that explore the grace of God and how fathomless His great love is in spite of my sin. I can't help but think that Handel's "Messiah" is the pinnacle of worship.

 

But then my thoughts go back some 15 years to a weekend retreat I attended during my days in undergrad....

 

A group of us from the college InterVarsity group were out of town together, spending the night in a church. Bedding and backpacks were spread throughout the sanctuary and adjoining classrooms; friends were gathered here and there to talk about the Lord, or about football. It was fairly late and I had already crawled into my sleeping bag. A friend was reading her Bible a few sleeping bags away, and began singing quietly. Her voice was sweet, but painfully out of tune. As she continued singing gently her adoration to the Lord, I was moved by her simple faith and honesty and tender passion for who the Lord was and what He'd done for her. And 15 years later, I still remember the time I drifted off to sleep in the presence of pure grateful out-of-tune worship.

 

And that makes me want to reevaluate my criteria for "good worship." Scripture speaks of a "joyful noise," and how it's good to make one. The heart of worship is more significant than the tone of worship.

 

I'm reminded of something G.K. Chesterton wrote a century ago: "If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly." It's better to make a fool of yourself engaging the Lord than to play it cool and remain disengaged.

 

And I'm reminded of a song Chris Tomlin wrote a few years ago, "The Way I Was Made," which includes the lines:

 

I want to live like there's no tomorrow
I want to dance like no one's around
I want to sing like nobody's listening
Before I lay my body down

 

An out of tune melody, an awkward moment of grateful sobbing, a simplistic song, the seemingly purposeless pouring of perfume on Someone's feet ... can all honor the Lord if the heart is true. Beautiful, intricate works of art may honor the Lord, yes, but a grateful heart poorly expressed pleases Him no less than Handel.

 

May I look to engage the Lord more truly and passionately, at the expense of my being seen as credible or sophisticated. And may I not be so quick to look down on others' godward expressions just because I happen to find them unpleasant.

270 Views 0 Comments Permalink Tags: music, stewardship, worship, church, worship_music
7

I Appreciate Rich People

Posted by Ted_Slater Dec 18, 2009

 

It's clear that those who have a good deal of money tend not to be as acutely aware of their need for the Lord. Which often makes it difficult for them to turn to Him for salvation.

 

But Scripture is clear that some people are rewarded for their obedience with financial wealth. Those who are faithful with little are given more. Some of Jesus' disciples were rich, after all.

 

And that means that the accumulation of wealth is not inherently a bad thing.

 

I, for one, appreciate rich people. I tuned into a show last night that featured the homes of the very wealthy. The artwork and craftsmanship was stunning. It made me starkly aware of the potential that people have to create beautiful work. If it weren't for these wealthy individuals, artists and craftsmen wouldn't have had the funds to produce such beauty.

 

I think about works of art through the centuries -- paintings, carvings, music, and the like -- that wouldn't exist were it not for wealthy patrons. And I'm grateful for their contributions.

 

Earlier this week I was reminded how Boundless, Focus on the Family's ministry for young adults, began. A wealthy individual had a vision for a publication that would encourage 20-somethings toward intentional, godly living. And in 1998 he wrote a check for $100,000 to get things started. I'm grateful for his contribution.

 

Yes, there are many rich people who are entirely selfish, who use their money to subjugate and oppress others, to insulate themselves from the needs of those around them. They may even get their money at others' expense or through immoral means.

 

But there are many others who have been financially blessed for whatever reason, and who use their money to improve the world around them. And I do not resent them for their money; that's the knee-jerk response schismatic demagogues like Marx would want me to have. No, I am grateful for their contribution to the beauty and edification of this world.

 

I appreciate rich people.

 

(I should add that I really struggled to find an image to accompany this blog post. Most of the ones I found online represented wealthy people as self-obsessed phonies who made, and spent, their money in unethical ways. Sigh.)

803 Views 7 Comments Permalink Tags: stewardship, money, finances, wealth
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Make Friends

Posted by Ted_Slater Dec 16, 2009

 

A while ago Boundless author Thabiti Anyabwile wrote some suggestions on "How Not to Lose Your Faith in College." While the entire article is helpful for college students in particular, one word of advice, "Choose your friends with biblical criteria in view," struck me as especially insightful for those in any stage of life, including married couples. Here's an excerpt:

 

Though we talk about "making friends," few people really set out to "make" them. However, intentional cultivation of friendships may make all the difference between a rich college experience and one filled with frustration, alienation, broken relationships, and other kinds of pains. Since most adults look back on their college days as the time when they discovered lifelong friends, being intentional at this point is fairly important.

 

Sometimes we can take the romantic view that friendships "just happen." But more often than not, I've found that meaningful friendships have to begin with intentionality, by identifying someone who you'd like to have as a friend. A good place to find those people is at church.

 

For example, my wife and I've just begun attending a new small group at church. There are four other couples in the group and, though we've just met them, I can't help but think of them as friends that I just don't know well yet. The context -- a group of Christians in a similar season of life, each person interested in growing in godliness and sharing their lives -- is bound to facilitate rich friendships.

 

Everyone wants friends. I do. And so I am intentional in seeking them out, in this case at church. How do you make friends?

460 Views 2 Comments Permalink Tags: home, community, church, friendships
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Comforting Revelation

Posted by Ted_Slater Dec 11, 2009

 

My baby daughter awoke and began crying, so I walked in to her room to see how I could help.

 

After checking her diaper and giving her a bit of bottle, I set her back in her crib. She was still whimpering a bit, so I began to sing gently over her. As I stroked her head and sang of Christ's love for her, and her parents' love for her, she quieted and drifted off into a peaceful slumber.

 

As I sang over her.

 

Walking back to my room I found myself stunned at this revelation: Just as her papa sang peace over her, so my Papa sings peace over me. Never in my 37 years as a single guy had this truth been so vividly revealed. Never before had I gotten such a vision of the fatherly love God has for me.

 

The Lord has many blessings for those in their single years. But some He reserves for the married-with-children years.

632 Views 3 Comments Permalink Tags: marriage, faith, love, children
6

 

I'm not a big fan of pop psychology, but I have found Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages helpful as I think how to love my wife and as I think about what makes me feel loved. For those of you who generally stick to Spurgeon and Edwards and à Kempis, Dr. Chapman describes the five "languages" on his Web site.

 

I found an online test that may help you narrow down which of your "love languages" is dominant. I took the test. Here are my results:

 

  • Quality Time: 8
  • Words of Affirmation: 7
  • Physical Touch: 7
  • Acts of Service: 6
  • Receiving Gifts: 2

 

It's either "balanced" or "boring," depending on how you look at the results. I suppose the telling result is that I don't get much out of receiving gifts, so maybe save your money and instead spend time on Young Married Life and send me an e-mail affirming how much you appreciate our work.

 

Again, I tend not to put much faith in popular faddish psychological self-help books. But I do see some value in understanding what "fills your love tank" and what makes your spouse feel loved. Maybe take the test and share your results with us (and with your spouse). And let me know how you find this assessment helpful.

764 Views 6 Comments Permalink Tags: love, communication_spouse, love_language
7

Are You Shy?

Posted by Ted_Slater Dec 7, 2009

 

I found myself on a singles discussion board the other day, reading an entry from a young man who shared the following:

 

I am male. I am single. I've always been shy, but I've improved. I've gotten to where I can actually talk to beautiful women.

 

However, there's one particular woman in the Singles group at church who is extremely beautiful, and manages to turn my brain into mush. If I try to talk to her, I end up saying/doing something stupid. Any suggestions?

 

While I can relate to his situation, I think we're harmed by using the innocuous word "shy." Such a term is not biblical, and so biblical counsel on how to overcome "shyness" can't be found, leaving this man with little hope.

 

The biblical term for this young man's feeling of insecurity is "fear of man" -- an anxiety about what others will think of you if you say or do something. The "antidote" for fear of man, now that we've identified the term, is simple: fear God instead. Consider the dangers of "fear of man":

 

The fear of man lays a snare,
but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe. (Proverbs 29:25)

 

Now consider the rewards of "fear of God":

 

Behold, thus shall the man be blessed
who fears the LORD. (Psalm 128:4)

 

The LORD is on my side; I will not fear.
What can man do to me? (Psalm 118:6)

 

When Scripture speaks of fearing God, it's encouraging us to value God's opinion of us rather than the mere opinions of other people. If God is leading you to say or do something, then when you say or do those things, you are the recipient of His favor. No reason to fear man when the Lord is smiling on you; after all, when the Lord is on your side, what can man do to you?

 

Let me encourage you to reconsider the "shyness" that might be evident in your own life. Instead of claiming that you can't say or do something because you're "shy," confess that you're "fearing man" and pray that the Lord change your heart to instead fear Him. And He will reward your faithfulness.

448 Views 7 Comments Permalink Tags: faith, communication, fear
3

You Will Die

Posted by Ted_Slater Dec 5, 2009

 

Memento mori.

 

I first heard that phrase in grad school. The professor was challenging us to consider that we've got a finite number of days on this earth, and that we should make the most of them. Psalm 90:12 reinforces this sober appeal: "So teach us to number our days, that we may get a heart of wisdom."

 

In the past few weeks, I've been reminded of our temporariness here. Like that jug of milk in my refrigerator, I've got an expiration date. And you do too. Every day there are new obituaries in our newspapers, listing the elderly and the young, the famous and the obscure. Each life loved by a parent, a spouse, a child, a friend. Their time has come to an end; they have "shuffled off this mortal coil" and moved on.

 

I confess that I do think about my untimely death sometimes, even though my wife doesn't want to hear me admit that. I think about the day my three daughters will no longer be able to see their papa. I think about how lonely my wife will be laying in bed, next to the impression I made over the course of many years sleeping with her. I think of all the things left undone, the opportunities missed. And I'm reminded of two things: that death is an unfathomable tragedy, and that I must embrace today as a priceless gift from the Lord -- a gift to be relished and a gift to be shared with others.

 

May we savor today, while being heartened by that day of hope when we finally see the Lord and our other loved ones face-to-face. May we live today in light of that day.

 

Memento mori. Remember that you too will die.

844 Views 3 Comments Permalink Tags: stewardship, death, dying
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