In "5 Things Marriage Isn't," Jason Boyett challenges some of the common expectations that can lead to disappointment in marriage.

We think we know what marriage is because we've seen it on TV. It's Monica and Chandler, all candles and sex and witty banter. It's the end-of-the-day slow dancing of Cliff and Claire Huxtable. It's the tuxedos and pigtailed flower girls and white chiffon spectacle of The Bachelorette on ABC. Then, when everything doesn't turn out exactly as we dreamed, we look for an out, blame it on irreconcilable differences, and scrap the covenant.

The differences aren't the problem, though; our irreconcilable expectations are. Let's look, then, at some of those predetermined ideas and dump marriage out of its box. Here's something you should know before you say “I Do”: not what marriage is, but five things it isn't.

Among the five things Boyett says marriage isn't: a cure for loneliness, an escape from boredom, an easy transition. Basically, he's saying that marriage might not fulfill your needs in the way that you think it will. After a somewhat depressing reality check, Boyett ends on a high note:

We've been discussing what marriage is not, but here's what marriage is: Marriage is wonderful. There is no better way to make it through life than with a partner who loves you despite your morning breath, despite your stinky Converse All-Stars, and despite your failure to clean coffee stains. Marriage is deeply satisfying, incredibly fulfilling, and loads of fun. It makes the harsh edges of life a little softer. It brings joy and hope and laughter. But it's not easy, and it's not something to rush into without thinking.

For me (and disclaimer: I'm only 10 months into marriage), Boyett's affirmation for marriage felt a bit like too little too late, but his call for realistic expectations is certainly valid. Do you think he got it right? What has been your experience with managing expectations in marriage?

Last week my husband, Kevin, started a new job. For the past five years, he's worked as a barista, then store manager, of a certain well-known coffee chain. Now he's a children's ministry director at a church. Quite a difference.

Here are a few things that changed immediately:

• For the first time since we married in September, my husband is in the bed next to me when I wake up. (He used to leave at about 4:30 a.m. as I gave him a groggy kiss and mumbled strange things about needing to call my mom or check the mail — I talk in my sleep.)
• My husband now gets off of work at the same time I do, and since he has a longer commute, he's not at home ready to greet me (or sleeping, as the case may be).
• I don't hear from him as frequently during the day (he used to call me on all of his mandatory breaks and when he got off work in the afternoon).
• Our combined energy level has risen by at least 50 percent, because our quality time in the evening involves two individuals who slept past 6 a.m.
• We're talking more about our shared passion for children's ministry and writing curriculum, which has added a new, invigorating dynamic to our relationship.

Pretty much every change so far is a positive one. But I'm not naive to the fact that we may also encounter not-so-pleasant changes. We're already having to shift responsibilities and roles. He used to be off work by 2 p.m. and could easily run afternoon errands. Now I have to take some of those duties back. I also find myself a bit envious of his work as it is something I am really passionate about as well. And, my husband isn't as available to me during the day.

That said, I believe the benefit of Kevin working a job he truly loves is worth any sacrifices along the way. What about you? How do your jobs impact your relationship? Has a recent job change either alleviated stress or added to it? How have you adjusted?

I recently had a Boundless reader e-mail me. She is dating a younger man, and having read my story, she knew my husband is eight years younger than I am. (I wrote about this in "May-December Romance: What's the Big Deal?) She asked if there were specific questions she should ask her suitor or particular considerations for couples who have an age difference. I wrote:

God confirmed over and over again in my relationship with Kevin that age is just a number. All couples have things they have in common (in our case, almost everything but our age) and things that are different or unexpected (such as an age difference). For Kevin and I it wasn’t at all difficult to see the many specific ways God was bringing us together and orchestrating our relationship. We had to entrust the age issue to Him.

There were specific concerns we addressed, such as the fact that I would be aging ahead of Kevin and the relative shortness of my childbearing years. But we agreed that these were challenges we were willing to take on. After all, were we the same age, we would certainly have a different set of challenges. I also had to consider if I would be able to follow my husband though he had years less experience in life than I did. For me, this was easy because Kevin is a natural leader and wasn't the least bit intimidated by my age or success. Plus, he’s 6’8”, so I literally looked up to him!

In conclusion, I told this reader a very sweet benefit of my marriage to a younger guy — one that I think can be applied to any relationship:

Realize that you can give a gift to this man. YOU will not take this relationship for granted — nor the marriage, if that is what God wills. That is a gift Kevin receives from me daily — my deep thankfulness that God has bestowed on me the gift of this man as my husband. I think Kevin feels like king of the world most of the time, because I am not ho-hum about our love.

For the young couple who finds each other in college and marriage seems like a given, it may be tempting to take that gift for granted. Don't! Tell your spouse every day how thankful you are that God has given him or her to you. That is an insight I've gained from marrying a little later in life.

I was 24 when I felt the conviction to start tithing regularly. I can't explain it, really, but I think I just came the conclusion that if I loved God and His work the way I said I did, my bank account needed to start reflecting that. Since then, I have encountered some Christians who seem very tense about the concept of tithing. They say it's not for today or that you don't have to give it to the church. I'm not so sure.

I think those debates can get us off the real point, which is: What should be the priority of giving in a believer's life? Because I had read somewhere that twenty-somethings are some of the worst givers of all, I decided to do a little digging to try to discover what the Bible really says about giving and the consequences of failing to do so. Then I wrote an article about it.

Randy Alcorn has said:

The concepts behind the firstfruits — the ownership and worthiness of God and the servanthood and indebtedness of man — are as true today as they were in the Old Testament. And surely the gratitude of God's people should be far greater on this side of Calvary than the other!

I think behind the debate on tithing and giving to the church lies a heart problem. Sometimes ... deep down ... I want to keep my money for myself. Either because I trust in it too much or I buy into the deception that it is mine (rather than God's). Is it hard sometimes to watch that 10 percent disappear from each paycheck? Yes. But much is at stake.

There is an undeniable connection between the heart and the wallet. Matthew 6:21 says: "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." If none of your money is going to the church, missions or humanitarian aid, the Bible makes it clear that your desires aren't in those places either. And that is the problem.

The Bible urges again and again to give generously, not out of obligation or to score points with God, but because, when you do, you will be truly blessed by the experience. God doesn't need our stuff, but He invites us to use our resources to be part of what He is doing. (Be sure to read the article to find out why it's titled "Giving My Dinosaurs.")

My mom is visiting this week from out of state.

While I've owned my townhome for over four years, this is the first time my mom has seen it since I got married in September. As Kevin and I were giving her the tour on Tuesday night, she said, "Wow! I've never seen this place look so good."

I took my husband's arm and replied: "I guess it just needed a man's touch."

We laughed, but the thing is, it's true. For some reason, Kevin has been blessed with a great eye for making a room look put together and homey. I, on the other hand, inherited my mother's more functional approach to living spaces.

This incident reminded me of just one other way God has blessed me through my husband. While the expectation may be that the woman's touch makes the home lovely, God knew that I needed a little help in that area and gave me a partner who nudges me into the home arts by joining me in them and lending his expertise.

And there are also unique areas in which I can bless and serve him — helping him write a killer cover letter and resume for example. I am reminded of the wonderful verse from Ecclesiastes: "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work" (4:9). And what each person brings to the table varies by relationship.

What about you? Are there any role reversals in your marriage? How do you complement and serve one another?

I'm not a baby person. Give me a fifth grader to hang out with any day over a drooling, cooing, pudgy-legged infant.

Last night my husband (bless him!)  and I went to see the David Balmes' documentary Babies — 90 minutes of drooling, cooing, pooping, bug-eating, wobbly-stepped action, portraying the triumphs and defeats of babydom on the big screen. We laughed. We sighed. We cringed.

I recently read an article about this unique documentary that chronicles 18 months in the life of four babies — one each in Namibia, Mongolia, Tokyo and San Francisco. This description was one of the reasons I wanted to see the film:

Scenes are presented without narration, which is one of the film’s great strengths. “I don’t like to take the viewer by the hand,” says Balmes. But there’s no guidance needed to get the message of Babies, which demonstrates that despite how little these far-flung families seem to have in common, when it comes to our earliest experiences, humans around the world aren’t so different after all.

Imparting such lessons is the overarching goal of Babies, which Balmes insists is about more than adorable cheeks and chubby toes. He hopes the film inspires viewers to see the world anew. “Hopefully it will make some of them want to have kids, too,” he says. “It’s one of the most beautiful things in the world.”

Parenthood beautiful? Yes. But this documentary doesn't sugar-coat life with a baby. There is hard work and sacrifice involved. Still, the journey is a tender one as this film makes clear.

I walked out of the theater slightly disappointed. I think I expected the film to convert me into a baby person. Perhaps it will take being a parent myself someday to do that. But this film serves as a reminder to something important — a child is a miracle and a blessing. How do you feel about babies?

[Note: Read a review of Babies at Plugged In. The film contains nudity and spiritual content.]

What causes some men and women stray in marriage and others to remain committed? Can the answer be found in science? The New York Times article, "The Science of a Happy Marriage," takes a look at some of the latest and greatest studies on marital commitment.

A growing body of research is focusing on the science of commitment. Scientists are studying everything from the biological factors that seem to influence marital stability to a person’s psychological response after flirting with a stranger.

Their findings suggest that while some people may be naturally more resistant to temptation, men and women can also train themselves to protect their relationships and raise their feelings of commitment.

According to the studies, strong commitment levels may not be linked to the factors you'd expect:

It may not be feelings of love or loyalty that keep couples together. Instead, scientists speculate that your level of commitment may depend on how much a partner enhances your life and broadens your horizons — a concept that Arthur Aron, a psychologist and relationship researcher at Stony Brook University, calls “self-expansion.”

The Stony Brook researchers conducted experiments using activities that stimulated self-expansion. Some couples were given mundane tasks, while others took part in a silly exercise in which they were tied together and asked to crawl on mats, pushing a foam cylinder with their heads. The study was rigged so the couples failed the time limit on the first two tries, but just barely made it on the third, resulting in much celebration.

Couples were given relationship tests before and after the experiment. Those who had taken part in the challenging activity posted greater increases in love and relationship satisfaction than those who had not experienced victory together.

Do you experience "self-expansion" in your marriage? The great thing is, if you feel this attribute is lacking it's easy to incorporate more of it into your marriage.

Now the researchers are embarking on a series of studies to measure how self-expansion influences a relationship. They theorize that couples who explore new places and try new things will tap into feelings of self-expansion, lifting their level of commitment.

Ultimately, commitment in Christian marriages is not about what you get out of the relationship but what you put into it (with the help of the Holy Spirit). Still, exploring, learning and growing together is a great way to deepen the bond of your relationship. And now you've got science to back that up.

HT: The Point

Many women are. Even fitness celebrities are shying away from childbearing:

"Biggest Loser" trainer Jillian Michaels has a hard little body and she plans to keep it that way. Michaels, 36, tells Women's Health she is unwilling to become pregnant because of the way it would change her body.

"I'm going to adopt. I can't handle doing that to my body," she told the magazine. "Also, when you rescue something, it's like rescuing a part of yourself."

I applaud Michaels' interest in adopting. But her reason for not having a natural child brings up an interesting issue. A related article features quotes from other women talking about how they don't care to compromise their figures by giving birth.

I'm going to be honest. As I look ahead to starting a family, I am apprehensive about what pregnancy might do to my body. What if I don't look as attractive for my husband? What if I gain a bunch of weight that I can't lose? What if unpleasant and permanent physical changes occur?

I think that my apprehension stems from a worldly view of the body. All my life I have absorbed messages about what makes a woman attractive. And many of those things are put in jeopardy with childbearing.

But what does God say makes a body beautiful? When the person within is consecrated to the Lord and His purposes. Think of God's definition of beautiful feet (Romans 10:15)! He designed a woman's body "fearfully and wonderfully" (Psalm 139) to accommodate the miracle of a growing baby. A woman's body stretches and grows to bring about new life.

Not to mention, regardless of how top-notch your physical condition, the Bible says that beauty is fleeting and the flesh is perishable (Proverbs 31:30, 1 Corinthians 15:50). The blessing of children, however, is not. Adoption is a beautiful thing, but so is God's plan for childbearing. The idea that a body can be "ruined" by pregancy is a worldly one. If anything, in nurturing a life for those nine months, the body discovers the purpose for which it was made.