Let me get this out first: I'm not the best me I could be.

I'm sure that, on some level, this is true of everyone. But I feel it acutely.

• I exaggerate horribly. ("I stood in line for 6 hours because there were 14,000 people in front of me!")
• I jump to conclusions a mile a minute. (My husband: "So I was thinking ... [momentary pause, during which my mind races: Ack!! What were you thinking? That I should have made something different for dinner? That you hate the way I've arranged the furniture in the living room? That I'm not giving you enough space?] about trying to grow a tree from the seeds in my grapefruit." Me: "Oh. Really? OK." [inward sigh of relief that my conclusions weren't realistic])
• I can't stick to a grocery list. (Me: "I'm just going to pick up some rosemary from the store. I'll be right back." Forty-five minutes later, I return with 12 bags of groceries.)

On the other hand, my husband is extremely truthful at all times, patiently waits to truly hear what someone has to say rather than assuming where the conversation is going, and can go to the supermarket with five items on a list and return home with nothing but those five items. Sometimes I feel as though his natural strengths put a flashing neon sign around my weaknesses, not because of any chastisement over my shortcomings but simply because the contrast is stark.

Really stark.

It would be easy for me to get irritated about his strengths and how much they reveal my weaknesses. Or to feel guilty about my shortcomings. Instead, I've been choosing to see it as an opportunity for growth. Since we've been married, I've learned to be more careful with my words so that people can always trust what I say, because this is a characteristic of Christ. And I've begun the process of smothering the habit of trying to finish others' sentences before they've finished speaking, so that I can truly hear them instead of become distracted by my mental noise. And I'm thankful that my husband has more character than me in these areas, as it gives me daily opportunity to grow in these areas. I love that the example my husband sets can inspire me to become more godly and become a better me.

In what ways does your spouse inspire you to be a better you?

(And, no, I haven't made any progress on the grocery list issue. One thing at a time, I suppose.)

My job involves, among other things, combing through a lot of articles on marriage. On the one hand, it's handy to have so many great ideas and resources at my fingertips. But at the same time, I'm frequently plagued with panic and guilt about what I'm not doing in my marriage. Here's the list of things my husband and I aren't doing but should be:

1. Regular quiet time as a couple. We've done this twice, ever. Guilt Megaphone says: we're heathens.
   
   
2. Weekly dates. This hasn't happened since we became parents a few years back, and I don't see it happening in the near future. Guilt Megaphone says: we're neglecting our marriage.
   
   
3. Daily 10-second kisses. As I said, we have a child. And as I've blogged about before, my husband's job completely wipes him out. Panic Megaphone says: are we not engaged enough with each other?
   
   
4. Sharing deeply about experiences from the day. Now that I have female co-workers, I speak more during the day and feel less inclined to tell my husband about the lurid details of my day, starting with my morning commute and culminating in what happened five minutes before he arrived home. Panic Megaphone says: we're not connecting at all!

So are we doing it wrong? How can we have a perfect marriage when we're obviously missing these major pieces?!

I have to deliberately remember that there's no such thing as a "perfect marriage formula." No, we don't have regular quiet time, but we do talk regularly about our relationships with God -- what we struggle with, what we hope for, what we're praying for, how we see Him moving. We don't do weekly dates, but we do frequently have "slumber parties," which involve comfy pajamas, board games, pizza, popcorn and lots of snuggling on the couch after our child is in bed. And we always connect with each other every day, particularly as we're getting ready for bed and as we're cuddling before drifting off to sleep.

It seems everyone is looking for that one-size-fits-all formula (including yours truly), but it doesn't really exist, does it? The most perfect marriage I can be in is one that involves two sinners in need of grace who grant each other license to be loved imperfectly and unconditionally. I can perfect my marriage by studying my spouse and loving him as Christ has loved me.

... and by toning down the panic and guilt.

What are you and your spouse doing well in your marriage? What marriage "criteria" do you read/hear about that makes you panic about your relationship or feel guilty?

I remember the first time my husband corrected me in public.

I was heading into a social situation where I knew I'd probably get fired up or go too far, and I'd asked him to let me know if I needed to pull back. Sure enough, not long after arriving, I got a nudge under the table from him — though I thought maybe he was just shifting in his seat. I kept going on and got a gentle hand on my knee. I glanced at him to see him giving me a subtle "this-is-me-letting-you-know-you're-crossing-the-line-and-remember-that-you-asked-me-to-do-this" look.

Despite the fact that no one else saw the exchange or seemed to notice that anything had happened, I felt embarrassed, relieved and thankful all at the same time. It was tempting to lean into the embarrassment and get annoyed that he'd corrected me, but I finally gave into grace and simply thanked God (and him) for the gentle, gracious chastisement.

Lately, I've seen a lot of public correction among couples. And that I've seen it says it wasn't pretty. I saw a couple driving down our street come to a screeching halt as she refused to take whatever he was dishing out, leading to his screaming and yelling all kinds of names at her in front of me and all the other neighbors (all of whom got on the phone with the police — we're an ... involved neighborhood). I saw a wife belittle her husband pointedly over something that wasn't my business (or the business of anyone else present). I talked with a woman who frequently spoke disrespectfully about her husband to me and who knows whom else.

How have we come to this? I have very, very few memories from my growing up years of any married couple even using a harsh tone with each other, much less belittling each other in public. But it seems so much more commonplace these days. It horrifies me every time I see it, and I never know how to respond (aside from calling the police, as necessary). I don't even remember a single time that my mom corrected my dad in front of anyone, even at our soccer games, where he screamed so loudly and animatedly that he got warnings from the refs (and Mom would pretend like she didn't know who he was, chiming in with, "Yeah, I do see that guy. I can't believe how he's acting! I feel bad for his wife.")

Jeremy and I have made a commitment to find subtle and respectful ways to correct each other in public, and only to do so when it's absolutely necessary. While I may be embarrassed or even irritated about being chastised (and why is it that I always want to backpedal when I'm being corrected, rather than just accepting it in the tone and attitude in which it was actually given?), I know it's in love and that my husband will always find a discreet, respectful way to handle it.

How do you handle correcting your spouse in public or being a corrected spouse? What kind of "couple's rules" have you set up, and how well do they work?

My in-laws arrive this weekend. For many spouses, a four-day visit with in-laws can test the very fabric of extended family relationships. But I can't wait for them to come!

I'm the product of a bi-racial marriage — one that didn't start off well as far as in-law relationships were concerned. My mom always told me, "You don't just marry a man; you marry his family, too." And she strongly advocated getting to know my husband-to-be's parents and siblings (and their family culture) as early as possible.

So when I knew Jeremy was "the one," I called his mom and introduced myself. He'd already told her about me when he'd flown back to visit his family earlier that fall, and I let him know I'd be contacting his mother. She and I spoke for only a few minutes that first time, but I let her know I'd be willing to answer any questions about my background, my future plans, my values, my family — anything she wanted to know. Thus began my own relationship with his mom, and one that I cherish deeply. I also spent time getting to know his sisters through e-mail and phone calls. And they have become the sisters I never had.

There are lots of in-law horror stories out there. But not all extended family wounds. There are others who, like me, enjoy spending time with their in-laws. In particular, I always look forward to the week each year we spend with his whole family — parents, brothers and sisters (and their kids), grandmothers. We adults hardly get any sleep due to late-night ping-pong games and foosball tournaments and ridiculously difficult Springbok puzzles. I love it — and always need 2 days of sleep after we fly back home.

What's your relationship like with your spouse's parents?

We visited my husband's family over Christmas break (yes, I've been out of school for years but still think in terms of school calendars). While we were at church Sunday morning, I chatted with folks I hadn't seen in over a year and met a few new people. For some reason, I was extremely aware of conclusions I was drawing about these people and about the other congregants they spoke of. And as I chatted, I suddenly wondered, If Jesus were to show up today as Messiah — that first time around after people had waited centuries upon centuries for His appearance — would I see Him as a fraud?

I got to wondering what ideas I have about Jesus that I'd expect Him to fulfill. I know I've sat in smug satisfaction in the past, wondering self-righteously how the Jewish people could have overlooked Jesus as Messiah because of all the prophecies He fulfilled. It seems so obvious!

But even looking at Isaiah more closely, some of what the Jews expected (a political leader who would overthrow the Roman government) seems to be specific criteria for Messiah:

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government there will be no end. He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom, establishing and upholding it with justice and righteousness from that time on and forever. (Isaiah 9:6-7)

That seems pretty specific. And I imagine many Jewish believers looked disapprovingly on the "weak" ones who "fell for Jesus" and believed Him to be Messiah. If Messiah hadn't already come and I'd known that this passage is a prophecy for Messiah, I'd have been looking at Jesus to see Him take political power.

But He didn't.

So what preconceived notions do I have of Christ that I'd want Him to fulfill? In the past, I'd have said He had to be nice, since Christians are supposed to be nice. But it doesn't sound very "nice" to compare a woman to her face to a dog (Matthew 15:21-28). I know better now ... but do I? I've had plenty of unbiblical expectations about God and His church. What do I believe about Jesus right now that isn't true? And how does that hinder fullness in my relationship with Him? Even more, how do I find those faulty ideas and remove them?

For now, I've started looking at the points in my life where I've felt that God has disappointed me. It's an eye-opening exercise, and I'll blog about some of this in the time ahead. What preconceived notions have you had about God, either past or present? How have they hindered a closer relationship with Christ? And for you, which ideas are the hardest to get past in order to see Jesus for who He really is?

My dad once told me that learning to manage your expectations of others (and others' expectations of you) is what makes life, well, manageable. I've found, however, that I have expectations about life that don't seem unreasonable; they're just not God's plans.

For instance, I expected to marry and start a family right out of college (I didn't marry until I was 27). I expected to be able to stay home with any kids we had (hasn't happened and likely won't). I expected to bear a lot of children (we miscarried multiple times before I was able to carry a pregnancy to term — and then had complications post-delivery that prevented further pregnancies).

None of these expectations were particularly wrong, but they haven't been what God has had in store for me. And, honestly, that's been disappointing for me. I've learned to throw out certain expectations and go with whatever God has in store for me, but I find I still carry certain expectations about life around. Which is why I find the story of Jesus' birth and early years comforting.

I always imagined Mary was patient and easy-going and trusting about the whole giving-birth-to-the-Messiah thing. Personally, I'm a planner, and I consider every contingency when going into a new stage of life. I never felt like I related to Mary. But this year during one of our Advent readings, I realized that Mary's first response to the news from the angel was "How?" That is the question of a planner.

I've spent the past few days wondering how things were for Mary, particularly if she were a planner. I've thought about her worry about being pregnant as an unmarried woman (punishable by stoning to death), her preparations for a birth with the midwife (only to find out she and Joseph would travel to Bethlehem around her due date), her frustration about not having any accomodations when she was in labor (because if there had been an available midwife in Bethlehem, you know she would have had Mary give birth in her home instead of a stable). Did she feel that God had forgotten her, giving her the job of birthing His son but failing to provide a proper place to do so? Was she frustrated that the hours following the birth brought a visit from a group of children (since shepherd responsibilities were often given to the youngest child in the family) when she probably just wanted to get some sleep?

Even Joseph had expectations to manage. After escaping with Mary and Jesus to Egypt and waiting out Herod's death, he planned to move back to Israel. Matthew 2:22-23 says, "But when he heard that Archelaus was reigning in Judea in place of his father Herod, he was afraid to go there. Having been warned in a dream, he withdrew to the district of Galilee, and he went and lived in a town called Nazareth" (emphasis mine). What plans had he had for his new family that were unrealized? What expectations did he have for his family and his life that were thwarted by the new king?

Managing expectations and dealing with the disappointment of unmet expectations is something I'll spend my whole life doing — in my marriage, with extended family relationships, at work, in church. I pray that I have the courage and faith to follow God's path wherever it leads, especially when things don't work out the way I plan.