I continually hear couples, authors, speakers and marriage experts say that successful marriages don’t avoid conflict, they just learn to fight a “good fight.” A “good fight” including the use of “I” statements, showing your husband respect even in the midst of a confrontation, using the right tone of voice, and listening before speaking (just to name a few of the “good fight” techniques I have heard).

Even while putting these concepts into practice, repeatedly things would not end well after a conflict with my husband; I would confront him about an issue we needed to discuss and in doing so, he would feel like a failure as a husband.

Last week, I was debating the thought of addressing some issues with Charlie—specifically the idea that I would like for him to outwardly express his love for me. The last thing I wanted to do was allude that he was a failure by bringing these issues up, but I knew this conversation needed to take place for us to continue thriving in our marriage. At the end of our talk, Charlie smiled, hugged me, and told me “That was the best confrontation we have ever had!” I grabbed a pen and we immediately recounted what steps we took so we could repeat them in the future.

These were the things we did that led to our “good fight”:

1. I asked Charlie if there was a time we could talk. This gave Charlie a little time to prepare for a serious conversation and not feel blind-sided by a negative conversation.
2. Before I addressed something negative, I affirmed the positive things that I appreciate. I specifically said, “I just wanted to let you know that when you plan a date night for us, I feel appreciated and loved. Last month when you took me out for dessert, I loved it! I really like when you do those things that let me know you are thinking about me.”
3. I acknowledged that I knew his intentions were good. Before addressing anything else, I said, “I know you really do love me and your intentions are to show me you do.”
4. I communicated my underlying feelings of the issue (using “I” statements, of course!). “Recently I have not felt loved because I have not seen you demonstrate that outwardly to me by planning a date night”
5. I asked for what I specifically needed and gave a tangible example. Instead of saying, “We haven’t gone on a date in a long time,” I instead said, “I was wondering if you would plan a date for us this Friday.”
6. Charlie explained that he sometimes feels overwhelmed because he does not know what to plan for a date, or he simply forgets to plan something. So, I then helped him make a plan; he ended up setting a reminder on his phone to plan a date once a month and he attached a list of things he could do so he would have some ideas ready.
7. Lastly, I reassured Charlie that even though I seemed frustrated, I do not expect him to do everything perfectly and get it all right. At the end of our conversation, Charlie felt reassured that he was a good husband, and he was able to meet my needs.

How have you approached a conflict with your spouse that has been beneficial? What have you learned is not helpful?  How have you adjusted your confrontation style to have a “good fight”?