Someone posted a comment on my blog about leading wanting more help with understanding submission.
If leading is tough, submission is probably tougher. I could write a book on this (actually, I did) because I feel so strongly about the issue and it's so difficult to apply to real-life marriage.
I've learned to understand submission in terms of power, not weakness. God has given women a tremendous amount of power in marriage. A woman can literally destroy her husband with her words and attitudes. Submission, in essence, is God's warning to be careful with how she uses that power and influence.
Guys have very sensitive egos. That's not a criticism, it's a statement. A man's confidence/competence is critical to his functioning in every area. His wife has the power to either build him up or tear him down -- it's her choice.
Think of submission not so much in terms of letting your husband make every decision in your household, but more in terms of your attitude toward him. Do you trust him? Do you believe in him? Are you rooting for him to succeed in life? Will you still be by his side if/when he fails? These are not feelings -- they are choices.
"A wise woman builds her house, the foolish one tears hers down with her own hands" (Proverbs 14:1).
"Think of submission not so much in terms of letting your husband make every decision in your household, but more in terms of your attitude toward him. Do you trust him?"
I've heard of this a lot. That to submit we are really trusting God by placing our lives in the hands of our husband, trusting God to ultimately provide through the model he developed.
But isn't it true with every relationship? It's just that in marriage we feel like we can get away with being more in control of another person. We need to fight against our nature - and nature that wants to make them like us.
There will always be a tension for one spouse to conform to the other's expectations, unless you can learn to free the other person to be themselves. My husaband is a neat freak and an introvert, but I can relax if there are clothes on the floor and like to be the life of the party. I reflect on him, and I'm sure in some ways it can feel like I'm an extension of him.
So you don't want that extension of yourself, your spouse, the one who is publically associated with you, to do what you wouldn't do.
This is unique to marriage, which is why I think it's in the Bible in the first place. With a friend, there's no issue. If I'm at a party and a friend is particularly rambunctious, I am able to relax because it's not reflecting on me. If that's MY spouse being rambunctious and I'd NEVER do that, there could be an urge to control the behaviour. "Oh my gosh, they're starting a game of charades! What if it doesn't go over well? No one wants to play charades!" and all of sudden this person is living in the shadow of my insecurities, and limited by my own limitations, instead of free to be the different person they are.
Kids are another relationship that plays with control and freedom. You have to step back and let them make their own mistakes sometimes, you have to trust them to make decisions even if they wouldn't be your choice.
In marriage, we all want to assimilate (borg style) and when you try to make someone just like you... you often are chipping away at aspects of their personality that are their strengths.
I guess what I'm getting at is, I like to imagine "submission" as this word that is used because "domination" is so tempting in marriage ("domination" or "control" are huge issues for most people...). We want to dominate over our spouse, to make them into our little pet (don't we do this to Jesus sometimes, too? telling him what we want and expecting him to obey?). But the idea of submission to me is about freedom. Freedom to allow that other person to be themselves with me by their side, helping them, not over them, controlling them. And through submission I get to free myself from worship of the idol of "ME" that is glorious and perfect, and instead acknowlege that my husband was fearfully and wonderfully made, and that we're in this together, and ultimately, God will make it work out (not me or him).
It requires so much trust to love. Trust in God, first, and then trust in other people. Love trusts... I guess that's why the Bible says it