It happened again. I just found out that a couple I really respected got divorced ... just shy of a decade after marriage. Something about this kind of news has the tendency to produce panic in me. I am too aware of my own sin and weakness, and I think, If it happened to them ...

As I was grappling with this discouragement yesterday, God reminded me of His words — God has not given you a spirit of fear. This verse, 2 Timothy 1:7, says the following in the NIV: "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." In pondering this verse, something occurred to me. God asks us to be on the offense in our lives, including our marriages. Defense would say, "I'm going to do whatever it takes to stand my ground against whatever Satan throws at my marriage." But in the 2 Timothy verse, Paul is advocating action ... true boldness. This would suggest that we should be on the offense for the sake of our marriages instead of waiting for trouble to come to them. Consider the three replacements for fear.

Power. We are not on our own when it comes to marital stress and strife. God's Spirit provides us with supernatural power to overcome. Romans 8:37 encourages: "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." Divorce is not inevitable for the Christian; God makes His power—the power that raised Jesus from the dead—available to His children. Even the most hopeless of circumstances can be redeemed and repaired through this incredible power.

Love. Instead of fearing what might happen to my marriage, I need to practice love. To do this, I look for every way possible to first love God and then love my husband. 1John 4:18 says: "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." As I'm walking with the Lord and loving Him, I need not fear punishment—that the beautiful thing he has done in my life will suddenly crumble. That is not His way. And Satan would like to intimidate me with that fear.

Self-Discipline. This concept is translated in some versions as "a sound mind." This goes back to being on the offense. I do not need to be a slave to emotions or fleshly desires that might threaten my marriage. God has given me tools to overcome. One of those is self-discipline. Are you giving Satan a foothold to distract you from truth because you are too busy to spend time with God in His Word each day? Are bad habits and addictions tearing apart your relationship? This does not need to be. God offers us the ability to exercise self-discipline, to take the steps to protect our marriages. This may require strict accountability and a commitment to truth over feelings, but the payoff is well worth the effort. A few years ago, a male co-worker of mine would ask his female administrative assistant to look through all his graphic design mail and discard anything containing inappropriate images. My friend, the assistant, always admired this man's commitment to his marriage demonstrated through this small act of self-discipline.

Yesterday, I needed to hear this truth from the Lord. Just because people I admire and respect have suffered the pain and loss of a broken marriage, does not mean this has to be my fate. I don't have to wait in fear for my God-ordained romance to fall apart. Sure, Satan will want to pull it apart to detract from God's glory, but my loving Father offers me another way. Not a cowering, on-the-offense fear, but a godly charge of power, love and a sound mind. What a refreshing truth.

We visited my husband's family over Christmas break (yes, I've been out of school for years but still think in terms of school calendars). While we were at church Sunday morning, I chatted with folks I hadn't seen in over a year and met a few new people. For some reason, I was extremely aware of conclusions I was drawing about these people and about the other congregants they spoke of. And as I chatted, I suddenly wondered, If Jesus were to show up today as Messiah — that first time around after people had waited centuries upon centuries for His appearance — would I see Him as a fraud?

I got to wondering what ideas I have about Jesus that I'd expect Him to fulfill. I know I've sat in smug satisfaction in the past, wondering self-righteously how the Jewish people could have overlooked Jesus as Messiah because of all the prophecies He fulfilled. It seems so obvious!

But even looking at Isaiah more closely, some of what the Jews expected (a political leader who would overthrow the Roman government) seems to be specific criteria for Messiah:

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government there will be no end. He will reign on David's throne and over his kingdom, establishing and upholding it with justice and righteousness from that time on and forever. (Isaiah 9:6-7)

That seems pretty specific. And I imagine many Jewish believers looked disapprovingly on the "weak" ones who "fell for Jesus" and believed Him to be Messiah. If Messiah hadn't already come and I'd known that this passage is a prophecy for Messiah, I'd have been looking at Jesus to see Him take political power.

But He didn't.

So what preconceived notions do I have of Christ that I'd want Him to fulfill? In the past, I'd have said He had to be nice, since Christians are supposed to be nice. But it doesn't sound very "nice" to compare a woman to her face to a dog (Matthew 15:21-28). I know better now ... but do I? I've had plenty of unbiblical expectations about God and His church. What do I believe about Jesus right now that isn't true? And how does that hinder fullness in my relationship with Him? Even more, how do I find those faulty ideas and remove them?

For now, I've started looking at the points in my life where I've felt that God has disappointed me. It's an eye-opening exercise, and I'll blog about some of this in the time ahead. What preconceived notions have you had about God, either past or present? How have they hindered a closer relationship with Christ? And for you, which ideas are the hardest to get past in order to see Jesus for who He really is?

So I woke up late last night, half-way, and sensed something frightening to the side of the bed. Looking over, kinda, I saw two short, stocky creatures, like some scary dwarves you might see on Syfy. Of course, I found myself in a state of sleep paralysis, so all I could do was lay there in fear. Finally, I was able to squeak a sound out of my mouth, which helped me snap out of semi-consciousness and made the apparitions dissipate. It may sound anti-climactic, but I was able to roll over and fall back asleep pretty easily.

That got me thinking, though: What if there are spiritual beings bent on disrupting my life, specifically my marriage? If that's the case (and Scripture does reinforce the idea that evil spirits exist and want to do me harm), then what am I able to do about them? Maybe I can immerse myself more in God's Word. Maybe I can try harder to avoid the sins that seem to welcome these things. And maybe I can pray to the Lord for protection, and maybe even address these spirits directly in Jesus' name.

In his preface to The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis wrote:

There are two equal and opposite errors into which our race can fall about the devils. One is to disbelieve in their existence. The other is to believe, and to feel an excessive and unhealthy interest in them. They themselves are equally pleased by both errors and hail a materialist or a magician with the same delight.

I agree. Thinking too much about dark spirits is not good. At the same time, it's not good to dismiss the reality of their existence.

So for the sake of my family, I'll continue working on improving communication with my wife. I'll listen to Focus on the Family and read things that'll help my marriage. I'll try to take better care of my health. But I'll also pray the Lord's spiritual protection over my household -- since we're not hindered merely by wrong ideas and physical barriers, but by evil spirits as well.

"Unsubscribe."

That's the link I've been looking for on a lot of the emails coming my way over the past few days.

Every January I like to start the year with a fresh slate. As part of that process I re-evaluate my commitments to see if what sounded like a good idea at the time is still something worth doing.

It includes thinking about what I'm committed to at work and also what I've taken on outside of work in the form of projects and freelance opportunities. It also leads me to look at my routine with fresh eyes--to review the way I spend my mornings, evenings and weekends.

This year is the first year, however, that I thought to look again at my email box. It's amazing how much clutter can accumulate in an email box. Things I signed up for quite a while ago keep rolling in and wanting my time and attention. Things I don't remember ever wanting keep showing up and adding unncessary clutter.

It's felt great to take a few extra seconds lately and, instead of debating if I should give an email some of my time and attention, to just go ahead and decide to unsubscribe. My inbox is getting less and less cluttered and one more area of my life seems a little simpler.

The payoff for de-cluttering inboxes, calendars and our routines is that it earns us more time and attention for what matters most in life -- God, the work He's called us to do and the relationships He's given us. The more my wife and I take on de-cluttering projects like this, the more time and attention we have available for kingdom work each other and our kids.

Where could you de-clutter in order to make this a more meaningful year?

One of the big questions my husband Brian and I asked when we were dating was "Do we have what it takes to be a good team?" We both thought we did. We have many of the same life goals like raising a family to know and love Jesus. We share a passion for discipleship, spiritual disciplines and strong coffee in large quantities. We both like to pose as outdoorsy people, but really want to spend our weekends reading on the couch. And even though our personalities are quite different, we were confident those differences would be more of a help than a hindrance.

We wrongly assumed that "I do" would make us the team we'd assessed our potential to be. Most days we feel like to two "I"s fighting against each other rather than a "we" working together. In his sermon "God Judges," Pastor Mark Driscoll explains that one of the effects of the fall in marriage is that too often husbands and wives stop relating to each other as allies, but as enemies. In my very short experience (five months), that's been true. Brian's on my team. He's my ally, but I treat him like he's my enemy.

Over Christmas Brian's grandmother passed away. We spent five days with his parents while the rest of the family came in from out of town and preparations were made. In the midst of great loss and stress we watched his parents working together in a way that we hope to one day be true of us. I know my in-law's story. The 34 years that they've been married isn't what has made them a good team; time alone has not done this work. It's the mornings spent together in prayer, the challenging years of raising four teenagers and the steadfast pursuit of God. Their "oneness" highlighted the immaturity of our young marriage, but was also an encouragement that given time and submission to the Holy Spirit's work in our lives we too can be more allies than enemies.

I'm going into 2010 with the realization that oneness is not something that just happens at the alter or simply comes with time, but is cultivated by hard work over time. Maybe you made a similar assessment about your and your spouse's "team potential" early on. What things have you done or experienced this side of the alter to cultivate oneness?

Sadly, many of the resolutions you made just a week ago may already be teetering: I'll get in shape, I'll be a better wife, I'll learn to love my in-laws, I'll grow in my faith, I'll learn to be a great cook, we'll get out of debt. On and on the aspirations fly, only to vaporize days later when they prove to be too difficult to achieve.

The beginning of the year, that blank slate of 2010 is too clean not to want to do some things differently than last year. Having a teachable spirit and the desire for growth and development are critical components to a Christ-follower and to a healthy marriage. But great expectations aren't enough to bring about true change. Here are some thoughts to help you make those aspirations translate into true change:

• Set goals that apply to actions, not results. As noble as it might sound, becoming a more devoted Christian is not a good goal. Neither is the goal of losing 25 pounds. When you set goals that are measured by results, you will get discouraged when you can't measure those results (what does it mean to be a more devoted Christian?) or when the results are not there (I actually gained a pound today!). Better, choose goals that are measure by actions like "I will make an effort to say something positive to my husband every morning" or "I will walk for 30 minutes four days a week." If you commit to the right actions, the results will eventually follow.

• Set realistic goals. True change is almost imperceptible. Show me someone who has completely changed his spending habits or her time on facebook in three days, and I will show you someone who will relapse within a few weeks. As John Trent wrote in "The 2-Degree Difference" a small change is more likely to stick and shift momentum in your life than some monumental, unrealistic goal.

• Remember that some things are so important, they are worth doing poorly. Maybe you are not at the point in life where you can commit to an hour of prayer and study a day. So, commit to 10 minutes. Maybe you don't yet know how to be a great wife or husband. Work towards being a better one. If you are an all-or-nothing person like I am, it may be tough for you to strive toward something you know you can't do perfectly. Push past that rationalization. When you fall off the wagon, don't abandon the goal. Imperfect progress is far better than no progress at all.

By the time people reach their 40s and 50s, many have given up the idea of growth and change because they've failed so many times at their attempts to be a better ______ (you fill in the blank). Yet Proverbs teaches that the primary difference between a wise person and a fool is the ability to learn and grow. Lay the foundation for that teachable spirit in you heart and marriage now -- in 2010.