A few of you have responded to my post a few days ago about how the early marriage disputes are setting the foundation for your marriage. Although those disagreements are necessary, they can also cause long-term damage if you don't fight fair.

Dr. John Gottman is perhaps the most respected marriage expert in our time. He has developed a system where he can accurately predict, at the beginning of a relationship, which marriages will last and which will not. Most of his prediction-method is based on how a couple resolves disagreements (not whether or not they fight, but HOW they fight). Here are a few guidelines to keep your conflicts healthy:

• Be very careful about what you say in the heat of the moment.  Never say things like "I hate you" or "I wish we never got married." You will never be able to take those words back. Just because you feel them in the moment doesn't mean they need to be said.
• Focus on complaints, not criticism of your spouses' character. A complain is, "It bothers me when you throw your wet towel on the bathroom floor." A criticism says, "You are such a slob!"
• When an argument gets too heated, you need to have a "repair" strategy. A repair can be something silly like sticking your tongue out or can be a statement of unity like, "Look, I really don't want to fight with you. We are both on the same team." A repair can also mean asking for a time out to cool down. The greatest damage done in fighting is usually done when we react based on fear, anger, or pride instead of tackling the problem.
• Remember, there are two sides to every argument. Scripture says, "Be  quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger." Even when I have been convinced that I am 100% right in an argument with Mike, objective eyes will tell me that I have learning and growing to do, to. When I really listen and understand his perspective, I can see where I have wronged him or at least where I can affirm his perspective.

What you fight about is typically far less important than how you resolve it!