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Young Married Life

November 5, 2009
13

Successful Women

Posted by Ted_Slater Nov 5, 2009

When you hear that term, what comes to mind?

 

A couple of days ago I was flipping through some old copies of my grad school alumni magazine. They featured current and former students who'd done well, who had gone on to write books, make waves in government, take on pastorates, receive teaching awards, produce prize-winning films, head up inner city missions, and so on.

 

And that was just the women.

 

The message is that "successful women," those whom we should honor for their leadership skills, are those who influence people on a large scale. The more people affected by the alumna, the more successful.

 

But what about those women who went on to influence a small group of people, and more deeply? What about those women who, with master's degrees in hand, chose to forgo acclaim and take on the humble responsibility of being mere mothers? Who exchanged the temporal significance of a sterile board room for the eternal significance of the family room?

 

It's enough that my alumni magazine promotes women pastors, a vocation with no biblical precedence. But by remaining silent about the influential role of full-time mother, they imply that such women may not be counted among the "successful."

 

I know it's a cliche, but perhaps it is so because it's so true: In their last moments, women will likely not regret having spent so few hours working for The Man. They'll regret not having spent as much time as they could with the ones they love. In the case of married women, that's likely to include their children.

 

It's fine to recognize the success of women outside the home. Let's also recognize the too-overlooked success of those who, as the saying goes, rock the cradle.

787 Views 13 Comments Permalink Tags: family, mother, children, motherhood, career, roles, work, calling, vocation
2

How to Fight Fair

Posted by Juli_Slattery Nov 5, 2009

A few of you have responded to my post a few days ago about how the early marriage disputes are setting the foundation for your marriage. Although those disagreements are necessary, they can also cause long-term damage if you don't fight fair.

 

Dr. John Gottman is perhaps the most respected marriage expert in our time. He has developed a system where he can accurately predict, at the beginning of a relationship, which marriages will last and which will not. Most of his prediction-method is based on how a couple resolves disagreements (not whether or not they fight, but HOW they fight). Here are a few guidelines to keep your conflicts healthy:

 

  • Be very careful about what you say in the heat of the moment.  Never say things like "I hate you" or "I wish we never got married." You will never be able to take those words back. Just because you feel them in the moment doesn't mean they need to be said.
  • Focus on complaints, not criticism of your spouses' character. A complain is, "It bothers me when you throw your wet towel on the bathroom floor." A criticism says, "You are such a slob!"
  • When an argument gets too heated, you need to have a "repair" strategy. A repair can be something silly like sticking your tongue out or can be a statement of unity like, "Look, I really don't want to fight with you. We are both on the same team." A repair can also mean asking for a time out to cool down. The greatest damage done in fighting is usually done when we react based on fear, anger, or pride instead of tackling the problem.
  • Remember, there are two sides to every argument. Scripture says, "Be  quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger." Even when I have been convinced that I am 100% right in an argument with Mike, objective eyes will tell me that I have learning and growing to do, to. When I really listen and understand his perspective, I can see where I have wronged him or at least where I can affirm his perspective.

 

What you fight about is typically far less important than how you resolve it!

521 Views 2 Comments Permalink Tags: fighting, conflict, communication_spouse, conflict_resolution, resolution
14

A Dozen Kids!

Posted by Ted_Slater Nov 5, 2009

The proud papa announced the birth of their newest child, bringing the total number of children to 12. "Stunning!" said some. "Breeder!" mocked others. "Irresponsible!" decried yet others.

 

But for Jacob, 12 wasn't enough. Some time after child number 12, he added one more to the family.

562 Views 14 Comments Permalink Tags: marriage, family, children
1

Guys Need Guys

Posted by Motte_Brown Nov 5, 2009

I was off to church the other night for a meeting when I said to my wife, "I'll probably go out with the guys afterward." She responded, "Great. Have fun." Though it meant her having to feed the kids and put them to bed by herself she recognized that I needed some guy time.

 

So why do guys need guys? One reason is that men share things with other men that they just don't with women. It could be about work or sports or John Piper sermons or personal struggles ... especially personal struggles. I'm amazed at some of the things I've shared with my buddies. Sometimes I catch myself in the moment and think, Wait. Did I just say that?

 

It's true. Transparency happens when guys hang out with guys. I think it's partly because we internalize everything for fear of appearing vulnerable. And you tend to let your guard down when you're out with the guys. So the valve just sort of opens.

 

Interestingly, it's a release that can prove invaluable in marriage.

 

One night after I droned on and on to my wife about some disappointment in my life, she suggested that I call one of my buddies and go out for some wings. It surprised me a little. I mean, I thought part of a wife's job was to "be there" for her husband. It is. But I've learned that it's possible for a husband to overburden his wife with issues that could (and probably should) be discussed with another man.

 

It's now one of the ways I protect my wife. She carries enough burdens for the family. There are some that are better carried by myself, the Lord, and my buddies.

292 Views 1 Comments Permalink Tags: community