When my hubbie and I had been married about two years, our Sunday School class went through a book called His Needs, Her Needs: Building An Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley Jr.

"This book was written to educate you in the care of your spouse," Harley writes in the introduction. He then goes on to list (from his experience as a marital counselor) the five main needs of a husband and the five main needs of a wife. That book was really eye opening for me -- in many ways. But one of the "takeaways" that I have to this day was Harley's number two need of a husband: a recreational companion.

Harley writes:

"It is not uncommon for women, when they are single, to join men in pursuing their interests. They find themselves hunting, fishing, playing football, and watching movies they would never have chosen on their own. After marriage wives often try to interest their husbands in activities more to their own liking. If their attempts fail, they may encourage their husbands to continue their recreational activities without them. I consider that option very dangerous to a marriage, because men place suprising importance on having their wives as recreational companions. The TV stereotypes paint the opposite picture, showing husbands out with the boys on fishing trips saying, 'It doesn't get any better than this.' My counseling files say it can get a lot better. In fact, among the five basic male needs, spending recreational time with his wife is second only to sex for the typical husband."

Something about that really connected with me. As I looked back over our dating time and early marriage, I could see that my hubbie seemed to get energized when we shared recreational moments together. So, I began to try to be intentional about that.

It wasn't always easy. I didn't play golf, he did. So we had several "driving range dates" where he would teach, I would try and we'd laugh a lot. He played basketball, I didn't. But I made sure that I was at every league game he played. We both liked football, so we got season tickets to our alma mater. Even just walking together in the evenings proved fruitful. I started to realize that we had as many (if not more) great talks doing things "side by side" as we did sitting down "face to face."

When kids came along, it became a little bit more of a challenge. But, even then, we bought a garage sale hiking backback and a jogging stroller and hit the trails. Or I would bring a toddler and a baby along with me to those basketball games. Or we will get a babysitter to go do a couples scramble golf night. (Love the "scramble" concept, can I just say? Way less pressure!)

My husband too, has made an effort to take on a few of my interests. There is some musical theatre he just can't stomach, but he took me to see the national tour of Wicked this last summer and we both really enjoyed it.

Currently, I'm learning to appreciate the ins and outs of fantasy football. Sometimes I cheer on his players. Sometimes I'll give him reports in between Sunday chores ("Hey, hon, Adrian just scored a touchdown!"). Sometimes I just fall asleep with him on the couch as he watches. But it all works -- and I know he appreciates that I am willing to share that with him.

Below is a picture of us recreating last weekend. We rented a cabin a few hours away from our home and spent time hiking and enjoying the views with our two kids.

In For Women Only: What You Need to Know About the Inner Lives of Men, Shaunti Feldhahn quotes one husband who says, "The woman having fun with her husband is incredibly attractive. If you see a woman out playing golf with her husband, I guarantee that all the other guys are jealous. Getting out and having fun together falls off in marriage because of various responsibilities, but men still want to play with their wives."

Harley writes it this way in his book, "The couple that plays together, stays together."

For my marriage, I've found that to be good advice.

It was Thanksgiving 1996 and my parents' kitchen sink was plugged. Someone had filled the disposal with too many potato peelings and salad greens in the flurry of cooking activity and now, the sink was stopped up. Even the toilet plunger was no match for the clog. (I know, you're NEVER supposed to use that tool in the kitchen. But they were desperate.) Undaunted, the cooks forged ahead. Besides, it was time to drain the boiling potatoes. I don't remember who grabbed the pot, but it was hot. And whoever was holding it, couldn't. So they dropped it in the same place any thinking person would. The sink.

Trouble is the sink was full of clog-water that had also recently seen the business end of a toilet plunger. Near chaos ensued. Those were the tubers that were to be the mashed potatoes. Can you imagine a Thanksgiving feast without mashed potatoes? Neither could we.

Then, in that overcrowded, overheated kitchen, Steve whispered something in my ear. And I heard it. "I love you," he said. In the midst of all the shouting and bustling, he said it. For the first time. It was so chaotic I wondered if maybe I'd misunderstood. But the look in his eyes confirmed it. He loved me. And apparently, my lots-of-activity-and-very-loud family (have you seen My Big Fat Greek Wedding? Substitute Syrian for Greek and you get the idea.)

We never did manage to resuscitate the mashed potatoes that year. Our feast proceeded without them. But in their place, I had something eminently more valuable. The assurance that if Steve loved me in that moment, enough to own it for the very first time, I knew he was serious. He knew what loving me would include. And he said it anyway. I'll be forever thankful that he did.

I'm hyper-sensitive to cursing. Maybe it's because I'm reminded of my own boorish behavior when I hear it. You see, I could weave a stream of obscenities that would make Tiger Woods blush before regeneration. Whatever the case, I notice it immediately when I'm in public places, especially if my wife and kids are with.

Such was the case a couple of nights ago.

My family and I were out celebrating at one of our favorite restaurants when group of four business men sat down at a table next to us, each with cocktail in hand. And it started immediately with a cool "f this s." Then pretty much all the biggies were said.

Right now my kids are a bit oblivious to it. But my wife isn't. And as her protector, as well as for the sake of decent society, I felt an obligation to do or say something. But after entertaining a few options in my head, I didn't do anything. I settled on the thought that my interference could evoke a visceral response that would make matters worse.

I'm not at all convinced that was the right conclusion though. So I've decided to come up with a plan since I'm certain it'll happen again. Here are the possible responses I'm considering:

1) Speak to the manager. After all, it's their job to maintain a enjoyable dining atmosphere. So it should be no problem for the manager to politely ask for the patrons to keep a civil tongue. And the establishment may be more sensitive to it in the future.

2) Confront the offender(s) directly. I really have no problem with humbly asking an individual or group to stop cursing, particularly on behalf of my wife and children. However, there's always the risk of inciting additional unpleasantness given the character of those prone to public cursing.

3) Let it go if it's not too loud. This is what I did the other night. I let it go because it wasn't overly boisterous. I'm not even sure if my wife would have noticed if I hadn't pointed it out to her. But regardless of who's offended, don't I have a civic duty to confront indecency?

I guess things like this are decided on a case by case bases. But it may prove worthwhile to have thought this through. I'll let you know how it turns out.

What about you? Have you ever done anything to quiet some barbarians?

The conversation began at a really bad time. Both of us were exhausted from a busy weekend with his parents. But as we drove home, I innocently brought up the subject of our Christmas plans. You see, I had no idea this would lead to a discussion. Our holiday plans are pretty cut and dried. His parents live within an hour's drive. So Thanksgiving and Christmas with them; New Years with my family in Washington. We have it pretty easy when it comes to holiday planning, compared to some.

But what I discovered last night, when I was in absolutely the wrong state of mind to discuss such an emotional subject, was that Kevin and I still had different ideas about how those precious hours of Christmas vacation would play out. I imagined lots of time, just the two of us, starting up our own Christmas traditions. He, very naturally, pictured us spending most of the holiday with the fam.

After I got more upset than I needed to over the threat to MY ideas and plans, Kevin and I were able to talk about it. He assured me that he had given it little thought and that his ideas were not set in stone. Mine may have been more set in stone, simply because I assumed (very dangerously) that he was thinking and planning on the exact same things I was. As I sought to understand why I was so upset, I realized that my husband had done nothing wrong. And yet, I felt like he had, because he had not imagined our first Christmas together exactly the way I had.

Before I was married, I heard that needs and expectations could become troublesome in marriage. I think this is a good example. My need is to have quality time with my husband at Christmas. To me, that looked a specific way -- enter expectations. My expectations were based on examples in my own life (both of my married siblings immediately made Christmas morning their own with their spouses, choosing not to visit any in-laws until Christmas afternoon) and my personal desires (that we share a special piece of Christmas, just the two of us).

By the end of our conversation, we had not made our exact holiday plans. But we had established that we were on the same team as far as meeting one another's needs this Christmas. "I just want our first Christmas to be special," I said.

"It will be," my husband assured me.

And that's what's important. My first Christmas with Kevin may not play out exactly the way I had imagined, but that's OK. As we look to serve each other, it has the potential to be even better.

I've never been much for conferences. So much sitting and listening; and when you're not sitting and listening, mingling with a very large group of strangers. In the past I've tended to arrive late and leave early. But this past Saturday was different.

Steve and I headed to Focus on the Family to watch the Parenting simulcast. (Ted Slater was there too with his camera around his neck. Hence the photo.) It was exciting to be at the live site, especially knowing there were thousands of couples participating at 250+ satellite locations around the US, Canada and places farther away. It was fun to meet Elisa Morgan; chat it up with Matthew West, Phil Vischer and Ron Luce; brainstorm with Mark Holmen and be inspired by Larry Fowler. And Kevin Leman? Well let's just say I was laughing so loud that the people around me were looking at me funny.

But the best part of this stay-till-the-end conference was the fact that Steve and I were there, listening and learning, together. We were newly encouraged to give our all to our shared mission of parenting. And even better, everything about the day is now part of our common experience and language. As we face the daily highs and lows of raising kids, we have a wealth of new insights and resources and ideas we can mine together. It's like Solomon said,

"Two are better than one,
      because they have a good return for their work:

If one falls down,
      his friend can help him up.
      But pity the man who falls
      and has no one to help him up!" (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10)

And in the shared responsibility of bringing up the next generation, that's a powerful truth.

This past weekend, I didn't get much of my to-do list finished. I went into the weekend with lofty aspirations, but crashed and burned in my attempts to get even half of my list completed.

I did spend a lot of time with my husband, however. We prepared for teaching Sunday School. We had Sunday lunch with a friend. We sat in front of the fire. We cuddled. We talked about the future.

By Sunday evening I was frustrated. My husband picked up on my dismay. I explained to him my lofty goals for the weekend and that I was disappointed in myself for not accomplishing them. "I'll help you get them done tomorrow," he soothed. "Thanks for spending time with me."

Today I read a post on the Girl Talk blog called To-Do List of One. It was convicting:

Do you have your own “Martha Moments?” Do you find it hard to sit? Do you find it difficult to listen? God knew Martha was anxious and troubled. He knows when we are anxious and troubled. He lovingly spoke to Martha; and through her story He lovingly speaks to us today: “Only one thing is necessary.”

First, I wonder if God sometimes feels like my husband did this weekend. "God, I would love to spend time with You, just enjoying your presence, but I'm so worried about everything I have to do!" Second, if this is the model of a good relationship -- to sit and listen -- how valuable is a weekend where I connect in conversation and intimacy with my husband and leave tasks undone?

I apologized to Kevin for being grumpy, and, as promised, he helped me accomplish much of my list on Monday. But the downtime I'd spent with him left an impression. He texted Monday morning and said: "I had a great weekend! Thank you."

Sitting and listening is a good technique for both devotions and marriage. Kevin and I ended up having a Mary weekend, which was just what we needed.

I love to cook. For me, it's a joy to put together a good meal for my friends and family.

I've got a good knife, a couple of good cutting boards, a non-stick pad and rolling pin, a stove that has two ovens in it, a deep fryer, a gas grill and a few other gadgets.

But the coolest thing is that I've got a shelf full of good spices. Let's go through it together, shall we? Rubbed sage, parsley flakes, oregano, ground coriander seed, ground cumin, Dalmatian sage leaves, rosemary leaves, liquid smoke, kosher salt, Indian Malabar peppercorns, fennel seed, marjoram leaves, yellow mustard seed, cayenne pepper, chipotle chile pepper, whole cloves, cilantro, herbes de provence, sweet paprika, regular paprika, thyme, ground Mediterranean oregano, vanilla extract, bay leaves, ground nutmeg, whole cardamom, anise seed, dill weed, whole Jamaica allspice, poppy seed, curry powder, crushed red pepper, Mediterranean basil leaves, ground mustard, Stubb's chile-lime spice rub, juniper berries, cumin seed and something in a small Tupperware container that I don't recognize.

In the fridge I've got some aged balsamic vinegar, onions, garlic, cornichons, ginger, capers, lemon juice, Mr. Yoshida's marinade, organic chicken and beef broth, mole sauce, biryani curry paste, tandoori marinade and horseradish. Of course I have some EVOO and sesame oil and ghee and butter to bring the flavors to life.

I was whipping up some homemade chicken noodle soup the other day, and it struck me how God conceived of such a variety of foods and spices. He could have provided us one type of nourishment, and bodies that couldn't appreciate flavor. And that would have been all right. But instead, He saw fit to create for our enjoyment a diversity of tastes and textures.

What am I to think of such a powerful God who in His manifold generosity went through all the effort to make our lives not just endurable, but enjoyable? What a kind God; His kindness is witnessed even in the diversity of food He's provided us to enjoy.

Remember those dating days when you couldn't wait to have sex with your spouse -- whenever you want, guilt free? Now that you're married, there's a good chance that sex doesn't seem like it is all it's cracked up to be.

Ironically, perhaps, sex is one of the most common causes of conflict in marriage. Perhaps as a young married couple you're baffled by all of the obstacles that seem to get in the way -- fatigue, his needs vs. her needs, lack of pleasure or desire, hurt feelings, difficulty communicating about sex, arguments about birth control, baggage resurfacing from your past, sexual temptations that you thought would disappear after marriage ... the list seems endless!

I want to encourage you to think about your sexual relationship in terms of legos. As the mom of three boys, I know a lot about legos. When you open up a box of legos, the contents look nothing like what is promised on the box. Instead, you find hundreds of seemingly random plastic pieces. But the joy and fun of legos is building them.

On your honeymoon, you opened up a box of legos. Don't be disappointed that the project seems incomplete. Imagine if the best sex of your life was on your honeymoon. How depressing would that be -- all down hill from here, honey! Fortunately, God has given you a precious gift that you will have to work on and build over time. In the process, He's building YOU.

More than any other aspect of marriage, sex can teach forgiveness, mercy, sacrificial love, and tenderness. Don't assume that the gift is "broken" because all of the pieces are not properly assembled. Build together!

For more information on the obstacles related to sex (particularly from the wife's perspective), check out my new book, "No More Headaches."

This past Sunday I attended an Orphan Sunday event via simulcast at my church. It's was great to see the nation's leading voices on adoption seeking to increase awareness of the orphan crisis and spur fellow Christians to action.

Something that I've always wondered is why Christians need to be spurred to action on something that is so clearly mandated by God? I mean, shouldn't caring for the widow and orphan be in every church's playbook?

Doug Hayes of Covenant Mercies says the problem is that many of us are like six-month-olds who've yet to develop object permanence, acting with an "'out of sight, out of mind' mentality toward the poor."

We're pretty comfortable and typically pretty busy, so it's easy to forget that our experience is not shared by many –- even most –- people in the world. We need to develop what Gary Haugen calls compassion permanence: the capacity to remember the needs of those who are suffering due to injustice, multi-generational poverty, disease, calamity, etc., even when they are out of our immediate sight.

It's hard to argue with Doug's assessment. Dr. James Dobson said on a 2008 broadcast, "there are 400,000 churches in the United States and last year there were only 123,000 children (domestic and international) who were adopted. ... There's something not right about that."

Consider also that adoption is only one aspect of orphan care. Currently, there are over 500,000 children in the foster care system in America. One social service agent estimates that only about a third of foster care families are self-described Christians.

When the church awakens to this crisis, I believe it will provide the compassion permanence needed to fulfill its mandate to "care for orphans and widows in their troubles." Won't you join them?

More and more, I starting see worship music primarily as a gift from God to us. It's more of a blessing to us, for our edification and joy, than an offering to God or as "spiritual warfare." It is more about receiving from the Lord than about giving to Him.

This is reinforced in Colossians 3:16: "Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God." That verse indicates that the singing serves to teach and admonish the singer and those around them, to build up their faith and therefore their joy and love.

I recently came across a sermon by John Piper on "The Inner Essence of Worship." Among other things, he points out that it is fine to seek happiness in God during times of singing worship:

There are millions of Christians who have absorbed a popular ethic that says it is morally defective to seek our happiness, even in God. This is absolutely deadly for authentic worship. To the degree that this ethic flourishes, to that degree worship dies. Because the inner essence of worship is satisfaction in God, experiencing God as gain.

Therefore I say to you that the basic attitude of worship on Sunday morning is not to come with your hands full to give to God, but with your hands empty, to receive from God. And what you receive in worship is God, not entertainment. You ought to come hungry for God. Come saying, "As a deer pants for the flowing springs, so my soul pants for thee, O God." God is mightily honored when a people know that they will die of hunger and thirst unless they have God.

Recovering the rightness and indispensability of pursuing our satisfaction in God will go a long way to restoring authenticity and power of worship.

What might happen if worship music is more about "our gift to Him" than "His gift to us"?

If the focus shifts onto our giving to God, one result I have seen again and again is that subtly it is not God that remains at the center but the quality of our giving. Are we singing worthily of the Lord? Are our instrumentalists playing with quality fitting a gift to the Lord? Is the preaching a suitable offering to the Lord? And little by little the focus shifts off the utter indispensability of the Lord himself onto the quality of our performances. And we even start to define excellence and power in worship in terms of the technical distinction of our artistic acts.

Reflecting on our Lord's character, and on the overwhelmingly merciful things He's done for us, is God's gift to us. It moves our hearts toward His, which is heavenly joy.

Guys, this isn't a battle you can win. Just accept that women appreciate it when you close the lid. Don't question it. Just do it. Every time.

That is all.

This morning I went on a hike at the Garden of the Gods. If you've been to Colorado Springs, you know how gorgeous the scenery is. Everywhere you look are spectacular views.

However, as I hiked, I noticed that most of the time my eyes were on the hiking trail, looking for loose rocks that I might trip over or any sign of a snake (which I hate!). At other times during the hike, I was concentrating on following the right trail. There are several little bunny trails that can easily get you lost.

At one point, it struck me that here I am in this beautiful park with breath-taking views, and my eyes are right in front of me, completely missing the splendor of my surroundings. So, I got out my iPhone and took a few pictures -- savoring the sights and colors.

How often does this happen in marriage? We can be in the middle of this beautiful season of life, but we're so focused on potential dangers and missteps that we forget to enjoy the views.

The first few years of marriage are precious. You have the freedom and energy to enjoy each other fully. Everything is new and exciting. You can dream, plan and grow together. Yet, in many young marriages, squabbles and worries can distract you from enjoying the beauty of your surroundings. Let me encourage you to take a moment to look around and savor it!

When Brian and I were dating I don't think we wrote each other a single "love letter." But since we've been married it's something really we've grown into.

I say it's something we've "grown into" meaning we aren't pros at this love letter thing. Like most things in our new marriage we're getting better with practice. Sometimes my letters are simply expressing my support as Brian goes into a challenging week, letting him know that I'm on his side. Sometimes Brian's letters are just acknowledging the mundane ways I serve him like packing his lunch and keeping up with our laundry.

Other times our letters are a little more like something out of the Song of Songs. On the morning of our two-month anniversary I opened my Bible and found a lengthy letter from Brian affirming his committed and covenantal love for me. I sobbed for half an hour and ended up being late to work. Not all of Brian's letters bring me to tears, but they do reorient me toward passionate, committed love for my husband.

I know a couple that every time I go to their house there's a collection of post-it notes on the cabinet above their coffee pot. One time when I was making coffee at their place, I started to read one. It began "Dear Lover ..." and being quick on the uptake I knew it was a love note and promptly stopped reading. After countless visits to their kitchen, I've still never read one of those post-its but I'm always encouraged that even in the busiest season of family life this couple intentionally cultivates romance.

Writing love letters has deepened our affection and appreciation for one another in ways I wouldn't have expected. And whether I'm getting a letter from Brian or he's giving me one, it serves as a reminder of the gift that I have in my spouse and in the ministry of marriage.

Sometimes we can learn from our mistakes. And sometimes we can learn from other people's mistakes.

Take this man, for example, who is trying to save his marriage after a stupid mistake:

I made a terrible mistake 5 years ago with another woman. My wife found out about it 5 years ago and I thought we were making strides toward recovery. She has now asked me for a divorce.

One "mistake" with another woman has changed his life forever, and for the worse. He does recognize that things have spiraled so much that without supernatural intervention, his family will become shattered:

This problem is out of hands, there is NOTHING I can do. The Lord has to handle this. Please, everyone who will, pray for our marriage and that my wife can recover from the hurt and pain that I have caused. Also, please pray that she will let the Lord cleanse her heart with forgiveness. I don't expect her to forget, but I really hope she will forgive me and try to work this problem through, with the Lord's help.

My heart breaks for this man, and I have prayed for him. I'm also praying for myself, and determining anew to be on guard against "mistakes" that can destroy my marriage and bring my life to ruin.

Consider joining me in praying for this man, and for yourself.

A few of you have responded to my post a few days ago about how the early marriage disputes are setting the foundation for your marriage. Although those disagreements are necessary, they can also cause long-term damage if you don't fight fair.

Dr. John Gottman is perhaps the most respected marriage expert in our time. He has developed a system where he can accurately predict, at the beginning of a relationship, which marriages will last and which will not. Most of his prediction-method is based on how a couple resolves disagreements (not whether or not they fight, but HOW they fight). Here are a few guidelines to keep your conflicts healthy:

• Be very careful about what you say in the heat of the moment.  Never say things like "I hate you" or "I wish we never got married." You will never be able to take those words back. Just because you feel them in the moment doesn't mean they need to be said.
• Focus on complaints, not criticism of your spouses' character. A complain is, "It bothers me when you throw your wet towel on the bathroom floor." A criticism says, "You are such a slob!"
• When an argument gets too heated, you need to have a "repair" strategy. A repair can be something silly like sticking your tongue out or can be a statement of unity like, "Look, I really don't want to fight with you. We are both on the same team." A repair can also mean asking for a time out to cool down. The greatest damage done in fighting is usually done when we react based on fear, anger, or pride instead of tackling the problem.
• Remember, there are two sides to every argument. Scripture says, "Be  quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger." Even when I have been convinced that I am 100% right in an argument with Mike, objective eyes will tell me that I have learning and growing to do, to. When I really listen and understand his perspective, I can see where I have wronged him or at least where I can affirm his perspective.

What you fight about is typically far less important than how you resolve it!

I was off to church the other night for a meeting when I said to my wife, "I'll probably go out with the guys afterward." She responded, "Great. Have fun." Though it meant her having to feed the kids and put them to bed by herself she recognized that I needed some guy time.

So why do guys need guys? One reason is that men share things with other men that they just don't with women. It could be about work or sports or John Piper sermons or personal struggles ... especially personal struggles. I'm amazed at some of the things I've shared with my buddies. Sometimes I catch myself in the moment and think, Wait. Did I just say that?

It's true. Transparency happens when guys hang out with guys. I think it's partly because we internalize everything for fear of appearing vulnerable. And you tend to let your guard down when you're out with the guys. So the valve just sort of opens.

Interestingly, it's a release that can prove invaluable in marriage.

One night after I droned on and on to my wife about some disappointment in my life, she suggested that I call one of my buddies and go out for some wings. It surprised me a little. I mean, I thought part of a wife's job was to "be there" for her husband. It is. But I've learned that it's possible for a husband to overburden his wife with issues that could (and probably should) be discussed with another man.

It's now one of the ways I protect my wife. She carries enough burdens for the family. There are some that are better carried by myself, the Lord, and my buddies.

"Well, what'd ya think?"

That's the question Candice and I often asked each other as soon as we closed our front door and as our guests walked toward their car. I'm sure the couple we just hosted asked each other the same thing. We wanted to know if the chemistry was there for both of us so we could see if there was potential for another joint couple date.

We've greatly enjoyed some of the relationships that have grown out of these efforts, but we've had our share of awkward moments. One of the worst was the time that we excused ourselves during a dinner party to go check on our newborn son. While upstairs, we had a conversation about how strange the other couple's eating habits were -- only to notice that the baby monitor was projecting our conversation downstairs. Awkward.

I thought again about the highs and lows that Candice and I have gone through trying to pull off couples dates as I read an article in the Wall Street Journal on this topic.

The writer captures well some of the angst doubledating can cause couples:

Actually, the date itself is just the beginning of the stress. Wait until the next day, which can be just as excruciating as the day after a singles date. If you didn't like the other couple, you'll need to plot ways to avoid them. If you did like them, you'll need to deal with your anxiety.

Because what if they don't call? Should you contact them? And if you do, and you still don't hear back, what does that say about your relationship with your partner? Are you irritating? Insufferable? Uninteresting as a team?

The writer goes on to show why it's worth perservering to form good friendships with other couples:

Research shows that couples who are friends with other couples have happier, longer-lasting relationships with each other.

The reasons are simple. If you have friends who enjoy you as a couple, you may feel better about your union. These other couples can be a support network. And the process of making new friends together may inject energy into your relationship and give you something to bond over.

Just make sure there's no baby monitor around before you ask, "So, what'd you think?"

The first year or so of marriage can be filled with spats and squabbles over who does the dishes and even what kind of dish soap to buy.

In our first few months of marriage, Mike and I fought mostly about money (I'd get upset if he bought a $12 CD without discussing it with me), housework (I felt like I did all of it) and food (he liked burgers and fries while I cooked vegetarian -- and not very well, I might add).

If you're not engaging in conflict over similar issues, I'd be surprised, and possibly concerned. Marriage is the blending of two lives together. Undoubtably, you have different views and opinions on a variety of issues related to how to live life. Don't be afraid to wrestle those through.

One thing that makes fighting confusing, and even scary, is that often we don't know what we are fighting about. What started as a silly argument about whether or not to go out to eat can quickly turn into a knock-down, drag out brawl. The first and often most difficult step to a good fight is to define what you are fighting about. There are three types of conflicts in marriage:

1. External (we disagree about what kind of toothpaste to buy)
2. Relational (you hurt my feelings)
3. Dynamic (there is something not working in our relationship).

Very often, when it seems like you're fighting about an external conflict, you are really fighting about a relational or dynamic issue that you can't identify or about which you feel too vulnerable to bring up. So, the toothpaste argument might really be about not wanting to feel controlled by your spouse. Or the fight about where to spend Thanksgiving is more about wanting your husband or wife to chose you over their family of origin.

Don't be afraid of a good fight. It can simply be sparks flying as iron sharpens iron. But be careful to define the conflict. If you don't know what you're really fighting about, you can't resolve it.

I haven't researched the subject, but I'll bet infidelity has been on the rise ever since women flooded the workforce in the 1970's. It's a perfect setting for forming intimate relationships. Where else can you spend such long hours together with members of the opposite sex?

And I'm not just referring to sexual infidelity. Emotional infidelity can wreak havoc too. They're referred to as "work spouses," which are close platonic relationships with co-workers of the opposite sex.

Here are some signs from CareerBuilder.com you should consider when examining your own behavior at work:

1. You depend on a particular co-worker for office supplies, snacks and aspirin.

2. There are inside jokes that you and a specific co-worker share.

3. You can be bluntly honest with this person about his or her appearance, hygiene or hair (and vice versa). You're comfortable enough to point out that the other's hair is sticking up -- or that someone's fly is down.

4. When something eventful happens at work, this co-worker is the first person you seek out for a de-briefing.

5. At breakfast, lunch and coffee breaks, your closest co-worker knows what to order for you and how you like your coffee (and vice versa).

6. You and your co-worker can finish each other's sentences.

7. Someone in your office knows almost as much about your personal life as your best friend or real-life spouse does.

If you're sharing bits of intimacy like this with your "work spouse," it could be harming intimacy with your real spouse.