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Juli_Slattery
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More on Roles

Posted by Juli_Slattery on Oct 30, 2009 9:07:10 AM

A number of you had comments and questions about my last blog post. Specifically, you asked what scriptures give guidance on marital roles and how they play out in the real life of marriage. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) there are no specific teachings like, "wives should do the dishes and laundry." What we have instead are guidelines that we must use to apply to our own situations. Here are some basic teachings from scripture (but remember that I am a psychologist, not a theologian!):

 

  • In Genesis, the curse related to men is work-oriented, women relationship and family-oriented.
  • Proverbs 31 describes a woman who is devoted to her husband and children but is still involved in commerce and ministry.
  • We see throughout the old testament a patriarchal society, yet there are "wise women," prophetesses and even a female judge mentioned.
  • In Paul's teachings, he emphasizes that the husband is the head of the home, should take care of his wife,  and the woman is to play a supportive role to his leadership (Col. 3 and Eph. 5). In Titus, he tells older women to teach the younger women to love their husbands and children and to be busy at home. In I Thessalonians, Paul encourages men to provide for their families.
  • I Peter 3 again emphasizes the role of a husband as leader/head and wife as supportive of his leadership.

 

Scripture does not say that men must be the primary financial providers or that women cannot work outside the home. But it does say that men are responsible for the family's well-being and provision.  It also says that wives should make decisions about work and other things, under the leadership of their husbands.

 

Culturally, biologically, psychologically and biblically, it is assumed that the woman is primarily oriented toward her husband and children (relationships) and that the man is primarily oriented outward (toward work, leadership and ministry). Within this, a man and a woman are given great freedom to work out how their family operates.

 

I think it's really difficult to do this in a culture that has rejected most standards and expectations, and which has few models. Part of me longs for the good old days. Yet, I also rejoice to live in a time when I could earn a doctorate degree and use my gifts and passions to impact the kingdom. How about you?

604 Views Tags: home, leadership, roles, work


Comments (7)
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Oct 30, 2009 12:36 PM thepagemage thepagemage    says:

My husband and I read a great book by Dr. Sarah Sumner, called, "Men and Women in the Church."

 

One of the most important things I got out of her book is the understanding that what the Bible says, goes. And what the Bible says is not what most people quote.

 

"the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church"

 

The Bible simply does NOT say that the husband is the head of the household, and to change his role from being the head of the wife to the head of the household is not only to reduce his job, but to disconnect him from the wife - his body, in the same way the church is Christ's body.

 

There's a whole chapter on this verse and the implications of this wording so I won't go into it all (I do recommend the book, though). But what I would like to say is that being the head of a person (wife) - like Christ is the head of the church (not the building or the organization, but the very believers themselves), has really helped me understand how husband and wife are to be like the church and Christ - serving and loving each other.
Nov 2, 2009 9:21 AM Guest Jag  says:
Just a comment--Proverbs 31 is pretty clearly describing an older lady whose children are grown.  If you look at it in that light it makes a lot more sense how she has been able to get all those things done over the years.  No need to add additional stress on young moms or not-yet-married women that their current contributions to their husband/family (or future husband/family) are not sufficient.  There are many stages in adult life.
Nov 2, 2009 12:51 PM Guest amanda  says in response to Jag:
that is so true! i never reaylly even thought about that. Thats just what they teach us girls from the time we are able to read that thats how we are supposed to be! I have now only been maried for 2 months and already feel like a horrible wife because i dont do a lot of "wife things". I am a nurse and work 12 hours a day and when i get home i dont feel like washing dishes. My husband is a full time student (pre-med) but i dont feel like he should have to do most of the house work (plus he doesnt like to do it either) so i am either worn out, the house takes the back burner, or we argue because i am not the wife i should be. On his side, he getd this, i guess you could say low self esteem because he feels like because i am making the money he is less of a man? and i think that adds to the whole house work thing.  any advice out there as to how the husband wife Roles can be solved?
Nov 2, 2009 1:35 PM Guest mbreshears  says in response to Jag:
How do we know that it doesn't apply to those with younger children?
Nov 2, 2009 1:51 PM Guest mbreshears  says in response to thepagemage:

In 1 Timothy, chapter 3 Paul speaks to Timothy about qualifications for overseers and deacons, ie men who are active serving in the church.  It seems obvious that this is an ideal that applies to everyone, as we are all called to be active in the church. This is quoted from New International Version

     1"Here is a trustworthy saying,:  If anyone sets his heart on being an overseer, he desires a noble task. 2 Now the overseer must be above reproach, the husband of but one wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, 3 not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money. 4 He must manage his own family well and see that his children obey him with proper respect. 5 (If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?)"

and then in verse 11 (speaking of deacons which are simply those who serve)

     "In the same way their wives are to be women worthy of respect, not malicious talkers but temperate and trustworthy in everything. 12 A deacon must be the husband of but one wife and must manage his children and his household well."

 

Now that says the man is to "manage" his household well.  Why would anyone say that he is not the head of the household?  The buck stops at him, and with that comes a huge degree of responsibility.  Notice as well  in Genesis 3:16, Eve's curse is, "Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you."  The Hebrew word for husband actually means our desire will be for his role, his authority.  So, it can't be Biblical to say that the wife is in charge of the household and makes the decisions, and the man just has to provide, if even that.  That is not falling under the authority God has ordered for us, (as women), and though it can be difficult at times, if we seek the Spirit's transforming power and guidance, this is the way things will go smoothest and most rewarded by our Father.
Nov 3, 2009 9:20 AM thepagemage thepagemage    says in response to mbreshears:

If the Bible says an overseer must manage his own family well, then he should do that. If the Bible says the husband is the head of the wife like Christ is head of the church, then he should do that.

 

The problem is an issue of accuracy - when people quote "head of household," they are confusing two concepts, "head of the wife" and "household" (so far a word not quoted in either of the verses we've mentioned). It's important to get this right because the concept is more than simply managing a household, it's about managing a family (relationship), and being a head of wife (relationship) like Christ is head of the church (relationship). The difference is that when you reduce it to "household," you drain the parallel in Eph. 5 of meaning because Christ did not die for his bride, his church, so that he could simply be in charge. It was about reconciling children with their father, it was about family, and love.

 

I'm just saying "head of household" is reductionist, and leaving out the heart (no pun intended) of the message.
Nov 4, 2009 1:59 PM speedrogue speedrogue    says in response to thepagemage:
I am still confused as to why you think they are separate.  It does say a deacon, which is more universally applied to everyone in the church, should "manage his children and household well." (emphasis added)  I think we are probably on the same page, just a difference in communication and focus.  It seems to me that managing a household is more than managing just a family, or a wife, and not a reduction. And it also seems too many women these days try to be the "head" of the household in ways that are not conducive to the relationships, much less a biblical relationship.  My husbands skills are not in cooking and cleaning and changing diapers, nor in wiping snotty noses and teaching ABC's but I am still subject to him in those areas, as they fall under his headship of the family/household unit.  Most women these days "wear the pants" as if strengths in a wider variety of skills means that we are more adept at "managing."  That does not mean he bosses me around about how to change diapers or spitshine the floor, but I am to respect and listen to his guidance in those areas, because he is my head.  Just as we are to subject all our thoughts to Christ, though the human relationship is imperfect unlike the spiritual one.  I just hate to see the misguidance these days about "girl power." That is where "reductionism" comes in these days.  You cannot manage your household, if you are not acting as the head of the wife, but many wives pretend they are letting their husband be the "head" of them, expecting sacrifice and love, without giving him the respect of the position of "head" or manager of the household.  I hope that clarifies what I'm thinking.

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