In his book, Money and Marriage God's Way, Howard Dayton tells the story of Mike and Yolanda, a couple married six years who have a pretty successful marriage, save one big problem:

Mike's domineering parents constantly interjected themselves and their strong opinions into the couple's household affairs. Even though this was a major source of stress for Yolanda, Mike was reluctant to confront his parents ...

Why was Mike so reluctant?

... for fear of losing their financial help. In fact, his parents were using money as a tool to control the young couple.

Thomas Stanley and William Danko tell a similar story in their book, The Millionaire Next Door, about Beth and her husband:

Beth and her family live in "subsidized housing." Mr. and Mrs. Jones made a sizable down payment on Beth's home. They also dole out thousands of dollars to Beth each year for housing and other expenses ... there is some confusion about home ownership between Beth and her parents. It seems that Mother is always at Beth's -- invited or not. And Mother was more involved with the choice of Beth's home than Beth was....

It is difficult under such conditions for Beth and her husband to develop much self-confidence. [Her] parents, especially her father, do not show respect for Beth's husband.

It may be that you don't receive financial help from your parents or in-laws. But if you do, or if you may some day, it's helpful to determine: Just exactly what financial help is helpful (if at all)?

Stanley and Danko have both researched the lives of those who accept financial gifts from their parents and they point out 4 major concerns:

1. Giving precipitates more consumption than saving and investing.
2. Gift receivers in general never fully distinguish between their wealth and the wealth of their gift-giving parents.
3. Gift receivers are significantly more dependent on credit than are nonreceivers.
4. Receivers of gifts invest much less money than do nonreceivers.

Some of those research findings may seem to go against common sense. After all, if you are receiving large gifts, wouldn't you have more money to save and invest? Why would you need more credit? Stanley and Danko have found that, statistically, most gifts simply result in more consumption. Not only that, but they lead to more continuous consumption. The next gift will probably be coming soon, the son or daughter thinks, so why not finance that TV or borrow for that car?

Howard Dayton writes:

Parents should encourage their married children to transfer their dependence to the Lord and to each other....

This doesn't mean that parents cannot offer financial help. Bev and I decided that we would not help our married children increase their lifestyle, but we would help them pay off their home mortgages by matching the principle reduction part of their payment. We have also contributed toward their investing.

Children, on the other hand, should continue to honor their parents and seek their counsel without remaining emotionally or financially dependent on them. Husband and wife need to cleave to one another.

So, if you and your spouse are receiving financial gifts, it might be helpful to ask yourselves a few questions:

• Are these gifts translating into unhealthy influence on our decisions?
• Are the gifts a flash point for arguments between us? If so, are they really worth it?
• Are we simply increasing our consumption with these gifts or are we building healthy financial habits?
• If the gifts stopped, would we be just fine? (In other words, do you "act your wage"?)