In his book, Money and Marriage God's Way, Howard Dayton tells the story of Mike and Yolanda, a couple married six years who have a pretty successful marriage, save one big problem:

Mike's domineering parents constantly interjected themselves and their strong opinions into the couple's household affairs. Even though this was a major source of stress for Yolanda, Mike was reluctant to confront his parents ...

Why was Mike so reluctant?

... for fear of losing their financial help. In fact, his parents were using money as a tool to control the young couple.

Thomas Stanley and William Danko tell a similar story in their book, The Millionaire Next Door, about Beth and her husband:

Beth and her family live in "subsidized housing." Mr. and Mrs. Jones made a sizable down payment on Beth's home. They also dole out thousands of dollars to Beth each year for housing and other expenses ... there is some confusion about home ownership between Beth and her parents. It seems that Mother is always at Beth's -- invited or not. And Mother was more involved with the choice of Beth's home than Beth was....

It is difficult under such conditions for Beth and her husband to develop much self-confidence. [Her] parents, especially her father, do not show respect for Beth's husband.

It may be that you don't receive financial help from your parents or in-laws. But if you do, or if you may some day, it's helpful to determine: Just exactly what financial help is helpful (if at all)?

Stanley and Danko have both researched the lives of those who accept financial gifts from their parents and they point out 4 major concerns:

1. Giving precipitates more consumption than saving and investing.
2. Gift receivers in general never fully distinguish between their wealth and the wealth of their gift-giving parents.
3. Gift receivers are significantly more dependent on credit than are nonreceivers.
4. Receivers of gifts invest much less money than do nonreceivers.

Some of those research findings may seem to go against common sense. After all, if you are receiving large gifts, wouldn't you have more money to save and invest? Why would you need more credit? Stanley and Danko have found that, statistically, most gifts simply result in more consumption. Not only that, but they lead to more continuous consumption. The next gift will probably be coming soon, the son or daughter thinks, so why not finance that TV or borrow for that car?

Howard Dayton writes:

Parents should encourage their married children to transfer their dependence to the Lord and to each other....

This doesn't mean that parents cannot offer financial help. Bev and I decided that we would not help our married children increase their lifestyle, but we would help them pay off their home mortgages by matching the principle reduction part of their payment. We have also contributed toward their investing.

Children, on the other hand, should continue to honor their parents and seek their counsel without remaining emotionally or financially dependent on them. Husband and wife need to cleave to one another.

So, if you and your spouse are receiving financial gifts, it might be helpful to ask yourselves a few questions:

• Are these gifts translating into unhealthy influence on our decisions?
• Are the gifts a flash point for arguments between us? If so, are they really worth it?
• Are we simply increasing our consumption with these gifts or are we building healthy financial habits?
• If the gifts stopped, would we be just fine? (In other words, do you "act your wage"?)

As a single, I became a pro at making friends. I learned to see those special qualities in someone that told me that we could be "kindred spirits" as Anne says in Anne of Green Gables. Since I've been married, I've found it difficult to balance friendship with my best friend, with whom I am now living, and my various other friendships. My friend Danielle, in her blog post "Friend-shifts" writes:

Friendship had never been hard for me prior to marriage. It had been easy and organic.  And I was determined after marriage to remain friends with my girlfriends and not ditch them just because I’d married. But regardless of my good intentions, change occurred just the same, whether on my part, their part, or mutually. My single friends seemed to stop inviting me to girl’s night out dinners, when I knew I’d have been invited when I was single. I was adjusting to being married, running a home, working full-time, and being a wife. It was a challenge to accomplish all that was needed and still have time to “hang out.”

While I'm learning what my many friendships will look like now that I'm married, my husband is in rather a friendless stage. His best friend moved away shortly before our wedding, and many of his other buddies are in life transitions, too. So Kevin and I have been on the lookout for couples we can be friends with. The other night we attended a party for singles and young married couples and we began chatting with a couple who got married one week before us. Turns out there were other similiarities as well, such as we both enjoyed short courtships and both men are children's pastors. We had a very enjoyable conversation. As we left the party, I turned to Kevin and said: "I think we just made our first couple friends!" It was a different experience, but a great one.

Few would argue that friendships for married people are still important. Danielle writes:

For the past year, I’ve actually been thinking how to be more strategic in my friendships. Before this stage of life, I was simply friends with people I “clicked” with who shared life with me in some way: co-workers, single girl friends when I was single, etc. Now, as a wife, mother, and someone who works from home, my time is limited, so I want to really invest in the friendships I currently have or the newer ones I create. I can only be close friends with a few women. Only some can be soul sisters.

How do you keep friendships thriving?

A good amount of what we believe about relationships is just off. And that includes what we believe about divorce. According to David Popenoe, co-director of Rutgers National Marriage Project, the following are myths:

1. Because people learn from their bad experiences, second marriages tend to be more successful than first marriages. Not true.
2. Living together before marriage is a good way to reduce the chances of eventually divorcing. Not true.
3. Divorce may cause problems for many of the children who are affected by it, but by and large these problems are not long lasting and the children recover relatively quickly. Not true.
4. Having a child together will help a couple to improve their marital satisfaction and prevent a divorce. Not true.
5. Following divorce, the woman's standard of living plummets by seventy three percent while that of the man's improves by forty two percent. Not true.
6. When parents don't get along, children are better off if their parents divorce than if they stay together. Not true.
7. Because they are more cautious in entering marital relationships and also have a strong determination to avoid the possibility of divorce, children who grow up in a home broken by divorce tend to have as much success in their own marriages as those from intact homes. Not true.
8. Following divorce, the children involved are better off in stepfamilies than in single-parent families. Not true.
9. Being very unhappy at certain points in a marriage is a good sign that the marriage will eventually end in divorce. Not true.
10. It is usually men who initiate divorce proceedings. Not true.

If you've been divorced, please understand that you have my sympathies. I can't imagine the pain you've experienced, and may still be experiencing. For you, which of these "myths" had you already recognized as such? Do any of these statements strike you as in fact not myths?

If you haven't been divorced, were you surprised by any of these statements? Did you already know, for example, that living together before marriage actually increases your chance for divorce?

The garden is still beautiful. Tucked among the deep green canopy of leaves, birds chirp and squirrels play. The air is fresh with the scent of flowers and dew. Being there, it just feels good to be alive.

Except that the first two humans have just disobeyed their Creator, bringing shame and discord upon all of creation.

Perhaps the Lord is heart-broken. Perhaps He's infuriated. Certainly He is not surprised.

So God the Just metes out the punishments. The serpent will be cursed, will eat the dust from which Adam was created, and will some day be further punished by the Offspring of God and humanity. Eve, the life-giver, will experience pain in bringing about that life, and will continue yearning to usurp her husband's authority. And Adam's work will no longer be pleasant, but a grueling chore.

But then the Lord does something both peculiar and prophetic. He calls over a lamb, a gentle creature that has been grazing deeper in the garden. As the animal walks over, the Lord bends down and gathers it in His arms, pained at the terrible grace He is about to extend to Adam and to Eve. The Maker and Sustainer of life slices deeply into the lamb's neck, blood splattering down His arm and collecting onto the ground in crimson puddles. Never before has He killed one of His creatures, but this moment calls for a death, a providential and atoning death.

The frantic bleating comes to an end and the flow of blood slows. The Lord peels the animal's skin off its muscle in sheets. Adam and Eve look on, horrified. He folds this edge of the skin back over, affixing it to that edge, pulling this flap under and that section over.

And then it's done. He instructs Adam and Eve to remove the clothes they had made of leaves. As they do, they're freshly made aware of the shame of their sin. Trembling, Adam stares at the ground, trying to take in what he has just seen, trying not to think too much about the difficult road ahead of him. Eve stands next to him, tears flowing down her blushing face.

Then the Lord tells the first couple to look at Him. As they do, they are stunned to find not a face of anger, but of compassion. And there in His hands they see it, still moist with the blood of the lamb, something divinely crafted to cover their shame: a garment for Adam, and a garment for Eve.

When I worked on Capitol Hill, it took me 45 minutes to drive seven miles to my office in D.C. The stop-and-go commute (with a manual transmission no less) contributed to my nervous breakdown, literally. Thankfully, I recovered, and no longer get panic attacks when crossing bridges.

Traffic doesn't affect everyone like that. But it takes a toll to some degree, whether on your nerves or your time or your car insurance. That's why it's listed as a variable on all those best places to live surveys. Here's one with the top ten midsize cities:

The study compared the 124 midsize metros in 20 statistical categories, using the latest U.S. Census Bureau data. The highest scores went to well-rounded places with healthy economies, light traffic, moderate costs of living, impressive housing stocks and strong educational systems.

These are the top 10 midsize metros in terms of quality of life:

1. Provo, Utah
2. Boulder, Colo.
3. Madison, Wis.
4. Bridgeport-Stamford, Conn.
5. Ann Arbor, Mich.
6. Ogden, Utah
7. Fort Collins, Colo.
8. Boise, Idaho
9. Colorado Springs, Colo.
10. Des Moines, Iowa

What's missing from the list of "well-rounded" variables is churches. It's something we often overlook when deciding where to live. But it's at the top of Kevin DeYoung's list from his book Just Do Something.

You also want to consider the churches available where you are taking a job. Sadly, this is a part of obeying the Scriptures that most Christians rarely consider. Before taking a new job, we look at salary, benefits, school districts, commuting time, and cultural amenities; but if everything else falls into place and there's no good church in the area, it's hard to imagine how God's revealed will — your sanctification — will be well-served.

One of the things we were most excited about when I was offered a job with Focus was joining a church we had attended many times while visiting my wife's family in the Springs. We can attest to the benefits of making it a consideration when deciding where to live. (The traffic's not too bad either.)

Yes, weddings are deadly. At least, for me, mine was.

Having been single for 36 years before finally getting married, I was concerned that I wouldn't make the transition well. I was concerned that many of the patterns and habits I picked up during my single years would be so ingrained that I'd continue them into my marriage, to the detriment of that marriage.

"Habits" were a big part of who I was, pre-marriage. Habits like staying up late working on my audio or Web site projects, taking naps whenever I felt like it, eating whenever (and whatever) I wanted, spending money impulsively on new musical or computer equipment, enjoying flirt-tinged conversations with single women, hanging out late with my buddies after worship band practice, arriving at work late and staying at the office late, and so on.

The way I prepared for married life was by telling myself, and my bride-to-be, that our wedding day marked the death of the single Ted. On Dec. 21, 2002, the single Ted would be no longer. He would be dead. And from the ashes of singleness would arise something new, a creature of one flesh made from two.

The truth is that it has taken years to shed some of my most self-centered habits, but I do think it was helpful to begin the process by having a specific time in mind when I would intend that those habits would no longer be what characterized me.

The single Ted is long dead. And the happily married Ted doesn't miss him.

So you sinned this week against someone? I'm not surprised. Sinning is what sinners like you and like me do. Instead of being surprised by our sin, or the sins of others, we should learn how to deal with it rightly.

C.J. Mahaney, best known for his passionate awe of the cross of Christ, wrote about wrong ways to deal with your sin, and right ways. Wrong ways include using the word "if" (e.g., "I'm sorry if you were offended"), providing lengthy explanations of why you sinned, requesting understanding for your sin, being indignant about being caught, and so on.

Here's how he describes a right way to confess sin:

A confession that is sincere and pleasing to God will be specific and brief. I have learned to be suspicious of my confession if it's general and lengthy. A sincere confession of sin should be specific ("I was arrogant and angry when I made that statement; will you please forgive me for sinning against you in this way?") and brief (this shouldn't take long). When I find myself adding an explanation to my confession, I'm not asking forgiveness but instead appealing for understanding....

Genuine conviction of sin is evidenced by a sincere, specific, and brief confession of sin, without any reference to circumstances or the participation of anyone else. When I sin, I am responsible for my sin, and the cause of my sin is always within my heart and never lies outside my heart.

The thing is, such honest and vulnerable and responsible confession of sin is actually liberating, because there is One who is able to thoroughly forgive sin -- any sin. Because of the death of the only righteous Man ever to have existed, sin may be completely forgiven. And C.J. recognizes the hopefulness of this situation:

I want my confession to express genuine sorrow and gratefulness to God for the mercy I experience because of the substitutionary sacrifice of his Son for my sins on the cross.... I hope my confession of sin is the sincere and specific confession of one genuinely convicted of his sin, sorrowful about his sin, and amazed at the grace of God provided for the forgiveness of sin.

I'm freshly convicted of how I deal with my own sin. I'm looking forward to being specific and sincere as I confess my sin to my wife, and to others whom I sin against. And I'm looking forward to enjoying the benefits of being a child of the God Who Forgives, whose mercies are new every morning every moment.

HT: Peacemaker Ministries's blog, Route 5:9

I've been married now for a little over five weeks. The past five weeks — and particularly the past four, in which we have settled back into normal life — have been some of the most edifying and delightful of my entire life. I get that thrill of joy each day when I remember that I get to go home from work at night and see my favorite person in the world. But this morning it occurred to me: For two people who are so happy and in love, we sure do say "I'm sorry" a lot!

I suppose it's part of the adjustment process, but we have our share of little emotional eruptions. Kevin says or does something completely innocuous, but I receive it in the wrong way. So I react and we have a conflict. I'm starting to recognize that panicked expression on his face that says, Uh oh, I don't know what I just said, but this doesn't look good.

The great part is, when I receive something wrong, even if Kevin is innocent of any wrongdoing, he is quick to say, "I'm sorry."

The other night, knowing that I had overreacted, I responded with, "You have no reason to be sorry, I'm just being sensitive."

His response: "That doesn't matter. I'm sorry I said that in a way that frustrated you."

Similarly, when I realize I've been selfish, or I've said something that offends Kevin or discourages him, I try to apologize straight away.

A quickness to say "I'm sorry" allows love and trust to deepen. When I was young my mom would sometimes get angry with my siblings and me and lash out in hurtful ways. She always approached me later and said, "I'm sorry I got angry with you. That was sin. I've asked the Lord to forgive me, and now I want to ask you." Her willingness to admit sin allowed me to see how it can so easily interfere in good relationships. I have already followed my mom's model in my marriage. It is healing for me to confess to my husband how my sin has affected our relationship and tell him I am sorry. He's always very gracious and willing to forgive. By the same token, his willingness to apologize communicates how much he cares about me and our relationship.

Everyone has to apologize sometimes. And a willingness to do so often and generously keeps relationships strong.

I met and married Ashleigh back in Virginia some six or seven years ago. One of the cool things about that state commonwealth is its historical and geographical sites. We've got great memories of our times wandering around Williamsburg, Jamestown, Old Town Portsmouth, Kiptopeke State Park, the oceanfront, and the bordering state district of Washington, D.C.

Since moving to Colorado four years ago, we've begun to explore this region as well. Of course we've been awed by Garden of the Gods and made the trek to the top of Pike's Peak (by train, not by car or foot). But we've also discovered some out-of-the way mountain town diners, a park/ranch that feels stuck in the 1800s, and some quaint Old West museums. We're intrigued by the history and diversity of God and man.

Most recently, we've learned that by taking the bypass around Denver, we can get from our home to Vail in just two hours. A few weeks ago we did just that. My wife searched the internet for a good hotel at a good price, and I made reservations. We arrived just in time for some Oktoberfest music and food, took a gondola to the top of one of the ski hills, let two-thirds of our children enjoy a "bungee harnessed trampoline," and ate at a couple of restaurants. But I think what we enjoyed most was just getting away from the routine to breath some crisp mountain air and reflect on the creativity of the One who with His hands and His imagination made the mountains and trees and sky and clouds.

I feel rejuvenated when I get out in nature. It's as though the earthiness of it draws out workday stress like a sponge. The freshness, the vibrancy, the grandeur move me to pause and reflect on the One who in an act of magnificent love brought "all this" into being. I'm humbled, and revived, by such lofty and comforting thoughts.

Monday marked one month of me being married. To celebrate, my husband took me out on a first-date reenactment. Our first date was simple. When a game night we were both planning to attend fell through, Kevin asked if I would like to go out to dinner. We met at a coffee shop and then rode together to Red Robin. So Monday afternoon, Kevin called me and suggested we revisit our first date to celebrate a month of being married.

On my way home from work, I recalled the details of that night. I had just performed in a comedy improv show for a pack of Cub Scouts. Kevin and I planned to have a late dinner. I remember getting into my car after the show and brushing my hair, pulling on a sweater and reapplying my lip stick and mascara. I wanted to look nice. When I walked into the coffee shop, Kevin was wearing a button-up blue-and-white-striped shirt. He looked handsome. From how he was dressed, I knew he was taking me on a date.

That night, we closed out the restaurant and then sat talking in his car for hours -- even though he had to get up at 3:30 a.m. for work. It had been a great evening.

When I got home from work on Monday and walked into the bedroom, the blue and white striped shirt lay on the bed -- a reminder of how it had all began. He even wore the same pair of shoes. "I remember what shoes I wore," he explained, "because I was worried about looking good for you." And he did.

We thoroughly enjoyed our first date reenactment. Each of us spent a moment telling the other exactly what we were thinking that night and how we were totally falling for one another. It was a sweet way to remember the start of our romance. The best part was, we didn't have to sit in the car for hours; we got to go home.

In a recent Newsweek article titled "Marriage is Hard: The Religious Right Admits It," Lisa Miller compares two men: Billy Graham, probably the most respected Christian figure of the last century, and John Ensign, a Nevada senator embroiled in an adultery scandal.

The first, she writes, was a powerful man who was away from his wife and children more often than he was with them. So,

"Aware of the significance of his reputation and convinced of the moral value of the Gospel message, he took precautions to guard against his own human weakness. He gave his ministry colleagues explicit instructions: never leave me alone in a room with a woman who is not my wife."

The second was also a powerful man who was away from his wife and children often,

"If only someone had given John Ensign similar advice. Or if someone did, that he'd heeded it."

Miller writes that Ensign is seen by many as the "latest example of what so many see as the failure of the right to retain any credibility on the marriage question." After all, she argues, why would he vote to support a constitutional amendment to "protect" marriage but fail to protect his own wife and children from public humiliation?

This argument isn't new. The world sometimes delights to tell Christians that we should not speak to a certain issue because our actions don't always match our words. Sometimes our response is to simply reply that we, too, are sinners. But sinners saved by grace. We don't spout our own personal opinions, but honor and uphold the standards of a righteous Lord. And that's correct and true.

But as I read Miller's piece something resonated.

She wrote:

"Of course, every person who utters "till death do us part" and then separates is, in a sense, conceding defeat. But when evangelicals are leading the charge in the marriage movement (and now, the anti-gay-marriage movement) arguing that sacred unions between one man and one woman are good for society because they're good for children, one would hope that they'd have worked out the kinks a little better than the rest of us."

There are some statements I would take issue with Miller about. But on her overall point, I absolutely agree. If I, as a believer, am going to proclaim the sacredness of marriage (which it is), I better take it seriously myself. And I better fight not just for marriage as an institution (which I should), but for my individual marriage as well.

I need to understand that while working hard to promote a good marriage helps myself, my spouse and my children, that isn't where it ends, or even what's of most importance. My marriage, like my entire life, is a witness to the Gospel. Ephesians 5 tells me that my marriage is a symbol of Christ and the Church. When my marriage flourishes, God is glorified.

I am no Billy Graham. But am I, like him, aware of the significance of my own marriage as a testimony? Am I, like him, convinced of the Gospel message and its power?

Miller writes, "Billy Graham, though politically astute, was rarely self-serving. He knew how to protect his children from his chaotic life—and he did."

Makes me wonder, What can I do today?

As one who succumbed to the "Freshman 15" in college, I have been acutely aware of the reports that marriage often precipitates weight gain. From a study released a couple of years ago and reported by USA Today:

Many married and single people in their late teens and early 20s gain a significant amount of weight — an average of 15 to 30 pounds — over five years. But newly married men and women in that age group gain 6 to 9 pounds more than their peers who are single and dating.

Researchers attribute married couples' weight gain to many factors, including having children, having less time to exercise, larger meals and eating out more.

Conveniently (and dangerously) when my female roommate moved out around the time of my wedding, so did our scale. So I haven't actually evaluated the damage yet. I do know my pants are fitting snugger, I have not worked out regularly since Spring and my diet includes a lot more sugar than it used to (thanks to my hubby's sweet tooth).

So before the post-marriage weight gain really rears its ugly head, I'm trying to make some adjustments -- cook healthier meals, get back into an exercise routine, resist social eating pressure ("No thanks on that third bowl of ice cream this week!"). The Freshman 15 -- and college 25 -- was a hard weight gain for me to leave behind (though I eventually did).

What have been your experience with post-wedding weight gain. How can couples get back on track?

Beth and I had only been married about five months when we found out she had a chronic disease that could make it difficult to get pregnant. That worried us. Because we knew we wanted at least three kids. And because we knew that we wanted to live on one salary so Beth could stay home.

At the time it seemed impossible to live on one salary in a city like D.C., especially because I had very little to offer any prospective, higher paying employer except an English degree and a couple of years of Capitol Hill experience.

So we went to see our pastor for some advice.

First, he told us he's counseling numerous infertile couples who put off having kids, thinking it would just happen a little further down the road. Which is why he counseled us to "never put off life." And when we raised our concern about living on one salary, he simply asked, "Who is your provider?"

His meaning was clear. He was asking us whether we believed that provision was dependent on my earning potential, or on God? And though it's true that God uses means to supply our need, that we have to be faithful with the pursuit of employment and with whatever our hands find to do, it is also true that God is who Abraham said He is, Jehovah Jireh, which means "the Lord will see to it."

When we got home after our meeting with our pastor, we threw away Beth's birth control pills. She was pregnant three weeks later.

Has God provided? Of course He has. I think mainly what gets us in trouble is our definition of what provision is.

This post was originally published on the Boundless Line.

I've always known there is a right way to put a new roll of toilet paper on the holder. The paper should dispense over the top. It was nice to learn, after our wedding, that Steve was of the same conviction. Most of the time. Occasionally he would err and put the roll on backwards, or upside down. But I was full of grace. Instead of getting peeved, I just took it off and re-installed it the right way.

Things went on happily in the TP department until the ninth year of our marriage. It was then that we bought a home that resisted my ideas about what was right. In this home, the hardware that holds the paper has short arms. Consequently, if you put the TP on the right way, it's so tight against the wall it won't roll. It's like this with all rolls: the jumbo, overstuffed and quilted rolls and even the cheap, skimpy ones. I still don't understand the engineering of it all, but for some reason, if you put it on the wrong way, it rolls nearly effortlessly.

Now right is wrong.

Sort of reminds me of something my Dad used to say to me when I was a kid. I'd be in the midst of explaining my side of an argument with one or another of my siblings, fully convinced of the justness of my cause and perspective. And right in the middle of my defense, he'd stop me and say, "Candi, you can be so right, you're wrong." He wouldn't even let me finish. I'd get so frustrated when he'd say that. Looking back I think it's because I didn't really understand what he meant.

All these years later, I'm starting to figure it out; thanks in part to our short-armed toilet paper holders. When I put a new roll on, I think about how convinced I was that my way was right. Best. Obvious. And now I'm caught because the old right way is wrong and wrong is right. Mostly Steve puts the roll on wrong, er, right. But every now and then, he doesn't.

Twelve years into marriage, I'm ashamed to admit the grace isn't automatic. It's not just TP but everything from how we load the dishwasher and bathe the kids to how we make the bed and fold the newspaper. Life with another is full of opportunities to stand up for your rights or follow Christ's example and lay it all down for the sake of your beloved.

Looking for a good soundtrack to go with the leaf-changing, crisp air, shorter days, football-playing, chili eating, pumpkin carving and harvest moon time of year?

I just recently put together an "autumn mix" for the iPod.  Here are some of my favorites:

Vince Guaraldi--The Great Pumpkin Waltz

Frank Sinatra--The September Song

James Taylor--September Grass, October Road, The Walking Man, Country Road, Carolina in My Mind

Allison Krauss and Union Station--Choctaw Hayride, A Living Prayer

Andy Leftwich--Minor Swing

Nickel Creek--The Fox, Out of the Woods

Mike Marshall--Harvest Tune

Steve Tyrell--Give Me the Simple Life

Ricky Skaggs--Enjoy the Ride, Appalachian Joy

U2--October, Indian Summer Sky

Norah Jones--Nightingale

Dinah Shore--Shoo Fly Pie

George Winston--Thanksgiving

What would you add?

What's your favorite autumn music?

I got married less than a month ago, and as part of our ceremony we asked several close friends and family members to bless us. Community is important to both my husband and myself, so we wanted to enlist the tangible support of our Christian friends. Each person or couple chose a verse and spent a minute talking about why they chose it to bless our marriage. This part of our ceremony ended up being one of the most meaningful. Among our blessing advice:

• You will see the beautiful and not-so-beautiful aspects of one another. God has chosen you to refine each other.
• Kevin, wash your wife in the Word (Eph. 5:26); you are responsible for making her more holy.
  
• A river within its proper bounds gives life; but when it rises over its banks it becomes destructive. Keep love within the bounds God has established.

I wish I could remember more. Thankfully, all of our "blessers" agreed to give us copies of their blessings. Many of them challenged us quite sternly that marriage was an important, God-given responsibility and that we would certainly need help with. God's help. The support of family. The assistance of friends. I was humbled by the significance of the covenant I was making.

Since that day, I've been thinking about the importance of community in the lives of married couples. We live in a private, individualized society, and the temptation as a married couple, I think, is to try to make a go of it on our own. The problem with this approach is that we miss out on support, advice and even rebuke, that could seriously help our marriages thrive.

My husband and I will keep in close touch with those who blessed our marriage. Many of them have been married for decades, and we look forward to receiving their insight and guidance as we embark on this new season. Couples don't have to be "us against the world" -- in fact, they probably shouldn't be. Instead, they should take advantage of the resources of wisdom and experience God provides in the support and blessing of others.

During the first years of my marriage, I did a lot of mental finger pointing.

It's him. If he would only do this, our marriage would be better. When he learns how to clean the kitchen (to my specifications), we'll be fine. If he would just know what I want (as he should, of course), we wouldn't have any problems.

But here's what I've learned. Sometimes, it is him. But most of the time, it's me. It's wanting things my way. It's wanting him to have my priorities. It's focusing on my needs.

And it's this human selfishness, self-focus and self-worship that makes marriage so hard, says Paul David Tripp.

Over at The Gender Blog, Garrett E. Wishall writes a summary of two presentations that Paul David Tripp gave at a recent conference. Wishall writes:

Selfishness is a problem for 10 out of 10 people, Tripp said, which obviously has an adverse affect on marriage. In contrast, 2 Corinthians 5:14-15 teaches that Christ died for people so that they might no longer live for themselves but for Him, Tripp noted. To work through a self-focused perspective toward a Christ-honoring approach to life and marriage, Tripp said, spouses must uncover and be honest about their selfishness.

So, first, we need to recognize our own selfishness. Then, we need to realize the effect it is having on our marriages.

"The war between the kingdom of God and the kingdom of self is the deeper war that is the reason for all those horizontal battles that take place between us," [Tripp] said. "It is only when you gain ground at the deeper level that you can gain ground at the horizontal level."

How do we gain ground at the deeper level?

To grow in relational unity, Tripp said, spouses must heed Jesus' words in Matthew 6:33 to seek first His kingdom. Progress can be made in marriages when both spouses seek to live for the same King instead of for two different sets of self-centered pursuits.

"Jesus died to break the bondage that I have to my passions and my desires," he said. "Do you know what it means to seek His kingdom? You (husband) wake up in the morning and say, ‘today, I am going to look for specific, concrete opportunities to love my wife.' (Wife) you say ‘I want to know my husband, I want to know where he struggles, and I want to know ways that I can serve in him in love.'"

After more than a decade of marriage, I still struggle with this. I've seen how amazing a marriage can be when self is put on the back burner. But I've also seen how the smallest things can make my selfishness rear its head.

Case in point: the dishes this weekend. As my husband and I scurried around Saturday morning to get kids and house ready for a visit from my parents, I stuck my head into the kitchen during a break in combing and ponytailing duty.

"Hey, babe. Can you please empty the dishwasher and put those dirty dishes in it?"

"Well, hon," he said, "I just spent 5 minutes rinsing the dirty dishes and stacking them in the sink neatly so you wouldn't need to worry about them."

My husband knows me well. Dishes are my thing. Deep breath. How do I react? Am I thankful for a husband who, without asking, knows my priorities and attempts to serve me? Or do I rail because he did not read my mind exactly?

Pathetic ... but my initial attitude was much more the latter than the former. I do need Christ, every single day, to transform my attitude and my heart. I do need to fight the war at the deeper level.

Yep, it's me.

While trying to decide what would make a good first post for this blog, my mind went back to my first year of marriage. Because it was quite contrary to the conventional wisdom that says your first year is always the hardest. Mine was fantastic! Seriously, I even have fond memories of our first fights.

But our near-perfect beginning didn't necessarily happen because we are the perfect match. It happened primarily because of three things: church, location, and children (in order of influence). Here's why:

Church

Beth and I were already established in a faithful church a year before we were married. So the foundation for a strong marriage was there on the front end. Which helped considerably. But it was pouring ourselves into church that first year is what I remember as being most formational as we got to know one another.

We went to the Sunday morning, evening and Wednesday service; joined a Bible study for young married couples; served in the nursery and taught children's Sunday school; we had friends over for dinner or ate at their house almost every weekend; and maintained close mentor relationsihps as individuals and as a couple throughout our first year.

Some say to take a break from church and be careful not to overcommit. I say dive right in. Being active and living transparently within a Christian community will help protect your marriage as you begin to understand what it means to marry a sinner; and as you begin to see your sin more clearly. Which you will.

Location

We lived in a basement apartment just a few blocks behind the Capitol building in Washington D.C. for the first year and four months we were married. It's a great place to be as a newly married couple; tons of things to do with everything seemingly within walking distance, work, church, groceries, etc.

But living in happenin' place like D.C. wasn't the main reason I put location on the list. No, what really made our location effectual in a good way was living far from in-laws. Which, you know, expedited the whole leaving and cleaving thing. As a matter of fact, I'm not sure in-laws were an issue at all for the first five years of our marriage because of the distance. Bliss.

Children

Beth and I were only five months in when we found out she was pregnant; wasn't planning for it, just open to it. But it's what God used to redirect our priorities in a way that would have lasting effects. Like getting us out of debt.

As soon as we saw that little plus sign on the pregnancy test, we came up with a financial plan so that we could live on one salary. And the first order of business was paying off our debt before the baby was born. Which we did. And now, 11 years later, we're still debt free living on one salary, praise God.

Everyone has their own story of their formidable first year. To be sure, we had our tough times as well. But the three things I mentioned above are what I believe not only made for a great first year, but set us on a path for many great years after.