In the months leading up to our wedding Brian and I read a lot of pre-marital books. It's probably more accurate to say I read a lot of books and narrowed down the really good ones for Brian to read. There were chapters in all the books we read about dealing with in-laws. As far as marital problems go it sounded like in-laws are right up there with sex and money. Before reading those books I was excited about the new family that Brian and I were gaining by getting married. But everything we were reading made me a little nervous about running into in-law issues.

During the time my anxiety was building I had a bridal shower where Brian's mother did something that eased my fears and set an extraordinary example of motherhood. When I opened her gift there was her apron that I had worn many times while cooking at their house. At first I thought she was giving me her apron (which would have been awesome because I've always admired it) and and then she stood up and said that there was another part to the gift she wanted to read to me. She opened a sheet of printed paper folded like a card and began to read:

Dear Ashley,

As I cut these apron strings in my relationship with Brian and give them to you, they come with the following promises ...

I promise to give you and Brian privacy and independence. I will never "drop by" without calling to ask if a visit is convenient. I will respect your boundaries.

I promise to not put pressure on you to produce grandchildren.

I promise to never gossip about you. I will defend you and promote you to others.

I promise to keep my opinions about your housekeeping, cooking, finances, personal tastes and parenting to myself. I promise not to give unsolicited advice about the way you live.

I promise to be flexible about the holidays. I will enjoy being with you whenever we can be together.

I promise to never feed your children "forbidden foods." I will uphold all of your house rules.

You and Brian will be a new family unit, with unique characteristics. I promise to cheer you both on in that uniqueness.

I promise to support your marriage over my relationship with Brian. You are the number one woman in his life.

I promise to pray for you, love you and respect you as I do my other daughters.

With God's help, I promise these things joyfully and sincerely and this old apron with it's newly grafted strings will be a reminder to me of these promises.

And with that, she cut the strings off of her old apron and gave them to me. It's only been three months since those promises were made (I'm the resident newlywed) but so far every one of them has been kept. Even though my in-laws have done their part, I'm learning that it takes both parties to prevent the in-law issues I'd heard so much about.

There are days when problems arise and my first reaction is to call my mom. For the last 20 years she's helped me sort through crises and comforted me when I'm near inconsolable. Brian and I don't have a 20-year history and he doesn't always know what to say when I'm sad or stressed, but if I go with my first reaction to call my mom, he will never get the chance to learn. By making the choice to take my problems to my husband I'm sometimes left feeling misunderstood, but other times my emotional needs are met in a way no one else (including my mother) could have. And even when my needs aren't met in the way I wish they were, it's worth it because becoming one is a higher value than always feeling understood.

As Ted would say, I'm no in-law expert but I have a hunch that healthy in-law relationships depend more on the couple's priority to cleave to their spouse than the in-law's promise to respect their boundaries.