Someone posted a comment on my blog about leading wanting more help with understanding submission.

If leading is tough, submission is probably tougher. I could write a book on this (actually, I did) because I feel so strongly about the issue and it's so difficult to apply to real-life marriage.

I've learned to understand submission in terms of power, not weakness. God has given women a tremendous amount of power in marriage. A woman can literally destroy her husband with her words and attitudes. Submission, in essence, is God's warning to be careful with how she uses that power and influence.

Guys have very sensitive egos. That's not a criticism, it's a statement. A man's confidence/competence is critical to his functioning in every area. His wife has the power to either build him up or tear him down -- it's her choice.

Think of submission not so much in terms of letting your husband make every decision in your household, but more in terms of your attitude toward him. Do you trust him? Do you believe in him? Are you rooting for him to succeed in life? Will you still be by his side if/when he fails? These are not feelings -- they are choices.

"A wise woman builds her house, the foolish one tears hers down with her own hands" (Proverbs 14:1).

So instead of grumbling again about the disarray in which I found my sock drawer, I asked my wife if, the next time she wrapped up laundry, she could match the socks before putting them away.

The next time the sock drawer was replenished, all the pairs of socks were nestled next to their mate, holding fast to each other with a simple roll at the open end.

Instead of feeling a simple lack of discontentment, and instead of simply feeling thankful that she had helped make my mornings that much more efficient, I actually felt loved.

Yup, I imagined my wife washing a load of laundry, moving the clothes into the dryer ... and then spending the time rifling through 20 seemingly disparate socks, finding a match for each, and gently tucking them into my sock drawer. A fruitless effort for her personally, something that doesn't personally benefit her routine, but something that makes mine go just that much more smoothly.

And that makes me feel loved. I feel loved, and humbled, when Ashleigh inconveniences herself for me in this way.

Which, naturally, makes me think of you. What makes you feel loved? Have you told your spouse what makes you feel loved? Now, why don't you take a risk and tell them?

It happened again. I just found out that a couple I really respected got divorced ... just shy of a decade after marriage. Something about this kind of news has the tendency to produce panic in me. I am too aware of my own sin and weakness, and I think, If it happened to them ...

As I was grappling with this discouragement yesterday, God reminded me of His words — God has not given you a spirit of fear. This verse, 2 Timothy 1:7, says the following in the NIV: "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." In pondering this verse, something occurred to me. God asks us to be on the offense in our lives, including our marriages. Defense would say, "I'm going to do whatever it takes to stand my ground against whatever Satan throws at my marriage." But in the 2 Timothy verse, Paul is advocating action ... true boldness. This would suggest that we should be on the offense for the sake of our marriages instead of waiting for trouble to come to them. Consider the three replacements for fear.

Power. We are not on our own when it comes to marital stress and strife. God's Spirit provides us with supernatural power to overcome. Romans 8:37 encourages: "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." Divorce is not inevitable for the Christian; God makes His power—the power that raised Jesus from the dead—available to His children. Even the most hopeless of circumstances can be redeemed and repaired through this incredible power.

Love. Instead of fearing what might happen to my marriage, I need to practice love. To do this, I look for every way possible to first love God and then love my husband. 1John 4:18 says: "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." As I'm walking with the Lord and loving Him, I need not fear punishment—that the beautiful thing he has done in my life will suddenly crumble. That is not His way. And Satan would like to intimidate me with that fear.

Self-Discipline. This concept is translated in some versions as "a sound mind." This goes back to being on the offense. I do not need to be a slave to emotions or fleshly desires that might threaten my marriage. God has given me tools to overcome. One of those is self-discipline. Are you giving Satan a foothold to distract you from truth because you are too busy to spend time with God in His Word each day? Are bad habits and addictions tearing apart your relationship? This does not need to be. God offers us the ability to exercise self-discipline, to take the steps to protect our marriages. This may require strict accountability and a commitment to truth over feelings, but the payoff is well worth the effort. A few years ago, a male co-worker of mine would ask his female administrative assistant to look through all his graphic design mail and discard anything containing inappropriate images. My friend, the assistant, always admired this man's commitment to his marriage demonstrated through this small act of self-discipline.

Yesterday, I needed to hear this truth from the Lord. Just because people I admire and respect have suffered the pain and loss of a broken marriage, does not mean this has to be my fate. I don't have to wait in fear for my God-ordained romance to fall apart. Sure, Satan will want to pull it apart to detract from God's glory, but my loving Father offers me another way. Not a cowering, on-the-offense fear, but a godly charge of power, love and a sound mind. What a refreshing truth.