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13

I continually hear couples, authors, speakers and marriage experts say that successful marriages don’t avoid conflict, they just learn to fight a “good fight.” A “good fight” including the use of “I” statements, showing your husband respect even in the midst of a confrontation, using the right tone of voice, and listening before speaking (just to name a few of the “good fight” techniques I have heard).

 

Even while putting these concepts into practice, repeatedly things would not end well after a conflict with my husband; I would confront him about an issue we needed to discuss and in doing so, he would feel like a failure as a husband.

 

Last week, I was debating the thought of addressing some issues with Charlie—specifically the idea that I would like for him to outwardly express his love for me. The last thing I wanted to do was allude that he was a failure by bringing these issues up, but I knew this conversation needed to take place for us to continue thriving in our marriage. At the end of our talk, Charlie smiled, hugged me, and told me “That was the best confrontation we have ever had!” I grabbed a pen and we immediately recounted what steps we took so we could repeat them in the future.

 

These were the things we did that led to our “good fight”:

  1. I asked Charlie if there was a time we could talk. This gave Charlie a little time to prepare for a serious conversation and not feel blind-sided by a negative conversation.
  2. Before I addressed something negative, I affirmed the positive things that I appreciate. I specifically said, “I just wanted to let you know that when you plan a date night for us, I feel appreciated and loved. Last month when you took me out for dessert, I loved it! I really like when you do those things that let me know you are thinking about me.”
  3. I acknowledged that I knew his intentions were good. Before addressing anything else, I said, “I know you really do love me and your intentions are to show me you do.”
  4. I communicated my underlying feelings of the issue (using “I” statements, of course!). “Recently I have not felt loved because I have not seen you demonstrate that outwardly to me by planning a date night”
  5. I asked for what I specifically needed and gave a tangible example. Instead of saying, “We haven’t gone on a date in a long time,” I instead said, “I was wondering if you would plan a date for us this Friday.”
  6. Charlie explained that he sometimes feels overwhelmed because he does not know what to plan for a date, or he simply forgets to plan something. So, I then helped him make a plan; he ended up setting a reminder on his phone to plan a date once a month and he attached a list of things he could do so he would have some ideas ready.
  7. Lastly, I reassured Charlie that even though I seemed frustrated, I do not expect him to do everything perfectly and get it all right. At the end of our conversation, Charlie felt reassured that he was a good husband, and he was able to meet my needs.

 

How have you approached a conflict with your spouse that has been beneficial? What have you learned is not helpful?  How have you adjusted your confrontation style to have a “good fight”?

6,798 Views 13 Comments Permalink Tags: communication_spouse, early_marriage
6

It happened last weekend. There were some things going on under the surface with me — emotional things — and Kevin had the misfortune of saying the wrong thing at the wrong moment.

 

Though I was irked, I controlled myself ... at first. And my husband trotted off to work, not even realizing he'd said something that sparked conflict. But during the four hours he was gone, I stewed ... and stewed and stewed. By the time he returned, the sting of the comment had blossomed into a full blown pity-party. And I let him have it.

 

Poor guy.

 

Soon after we talked it through. Initially, this was my stated problem: "I need to feel like you appreciate me."

 

On a busy evening, where I had already stated my intention to accomplish some things on behalf of our family, he'd said: "Oh, and if you're looking for something to do, maybe you could ..."   Never mind that his request was extraordinarily minor, I was offended that he thought I would be looking for something to do! Didn't he notice everything I was already doing?

 

As we talked, though, I was reminded of something we'd learned in premarital counseling. The initial conflict is rarely the real problem. It is a symptom of a deeper need. In my case, I realized I was overwhelmed about everything that I needed to accomplish, and Kevin's implication that I could be doing more aggravated that stress.

 

The truth is, I know my husband appreciates me. He demonstrates that regularly. But the irritation came from me feeling inadequate in accomplishing everything that needed to be done. Had I identified what was going on sooner, I might have avoided an emotional meltdown that left my husband feeling blindsided and hurt. Once we discovered that stress was the culprit, he offered me the comfort and support I needed to deal with it. When it comes to conflict, identifying the need rather than jumping to an accusation leads to better communication.

6,257 Views 6 Comments Permalink Tags: communication, communication_spouse, conflict_resolution, expectations
24

Date your spouse. I heard this concept long before getting married, and I understood the importance of doing so, but I was unaware of the things that would prevent this from happening. I heard people say, “We don’t have the time, with kids,” or “We’re so tired we just want to crash at the end of the day,” or even “We live together so we see each other all the time… it’s like a date every night!” 

 

My husband and I have found that we give up our dates in order to stay within our budget. We often hear ourselves saying, “Maybe we should just stay home tonight instead of going out to eat,” or “Let’s just rent a movie instead of going to the theater, it’s a lot less expensive.” While we value the importance of living within our means, the constraints of our newlywed budget were beginning to take precedence over the fun times we once shared on “date nights."

 

Here are a few things we have found make a great “date night” on a budget:

 

  • Cook dinner at home together, and just go out for dessert. We love doing this. Dessert is a lot less expensive than an entire dinner, and it still feels like a romantic date away from home.
  • Pack a picnic of “man food.” Most guys tend to avoid the picnic date; fruit, crackers, and bite size sandwiches are just not their forte. Pack a picnic of brisket, sausage and buttery rolls, and they may just enjoy it more than they thought.
  • Plan an outdoor adventurous, free of charge. We hike, fly-fish (well my husband fishes and I work on my tan), or camp at local campgrounds. We always pack a lunch or food, so gas is usually our only cost. Check your local visitor’s bureau for ideas and deals.
  • Look for coupons or deals and try something new. We love to try new restaurants, but some just don’t fit into the budget. Check out Groupon.com, where you are emailed a “deal of the day” in your area. We bought a $25 gift card for $2 to a restaurant we wanted to try (we have to spend $35, but that’s still only spending $12 for $35 of food!)

 

We have also seen a decline in our small gifts and surprises for one another due to our budget. We have learned to be creative, to say the least. I like when my husband gives me flowers, but not necessarily because I love flowers. I love what they represent; he thought of me today and took the time to express his feelings to me. But a bouquet of flowers or the dozen roses on special occasions add up quickly. A few nights ago, I made a chicken pot pie for dinner, and before I put it in the oven, my husband came over and examined our pre-cooked dinner. He then took a knife and began to draw a picture in the dough of the crust. He handed it back to me and said, “I know it’s not real flowers, but here is my version of a rose for you.” I didn’t care that it was a chicken-pot-pie rose—I absolutely loved it!

 

Do you have any other “date night” ideas for couples on a budget? What gifts or surprises do you give your spouse that are budget-friendly?

6,961 Views 24 Comments Permalink Tags: money, finances, early_marriage, dates

 

Focus on the Family is strongly pro-life. In fact, one of our six guiding principles is:

 

We believe that human life is created by God in His image. It is of inestimable worth and significance in all its dimensions, including the preborn, the aged, the mentally disabled, those deemed unattractive, the physically challenged, and every other condition in which humanness is expressed from the single cell stage of development to natural death. Christians are therefore called to defend, protect, and value all human life.

 

Specifically, when it comes to life in the womb, we encourage women to carry their children to term, regardless of whether the pregnancy is deemed "inconvenient," or whether the child has been prenatally diagnosed with a birth defect or other such problem. A preborn child is a living human being made in the image of God, irrespective of the circumstances surrounding that child's conception or birth.

 

There are very rare instances, however, in which treatments necessary to preserve the life of the mother might result in the loss of the preborn child. In this type of situation, in which the life of the mother is at stake, some couples are faced with the heartbreaking decision to save the mother's life at the expense of the child's.

 

For the sake of precision, I'm simply going to copy-paste a response that Focus on the Family wrote, with guidance from our Physicians Resource Council, to one person who contacted us about these situations ...

 

What should a pregnant woman do if her physician tells her that carrying her baby to term will place her own life at risk?

 

From our perspective, this is one of those rare, agonizing situations in which there are no simple right-or-wrong answers. Our initial reaction would be to suggest that this mom seek a second opinion about her condition from a different doctor, preferably a doctor with strong pro-life convictions. If the diagnosis remains unchanged, then we would have to concede — though sadly and reluctantly — that this may be a case in which ending a pregnancy is a rightful consideration.

 

Why do we say this? Because we recognize that what this dilemma really entails is a conscious choice between two equally precious lives. If the baby lives, the mother dies, and vice versa. Is it right to sacrifice the woman — a woman who may be someone else's mother, wife, or daughter — in order to save the child? What kind of secondary factors and circumstances should guide us making this terrible choice? Obviously there is no easy solution. Either option carries painful and regrettable ramifications for everyone concerned.

 

Extreme medical emergencies may arise that threaten the life of both mother and child. In the case of tubal (or ectopic) pregnancies, the child has essentially no chance of survival, while the threat to the mother's life is very real, very high, and grows as the pregnancy progresses. In this case, a health care professional may provide treatment that results in the ending of the pregnancy in order to save the life of the mother — obviously with the patient's informed consent.

 

This is an agonizing situation, but it is nevertheless consistent with a pro-life ethic which seeks to preserve life. The action is taken to save one life where otherwise two lives will be lost. This is also completely different from elective abortion, which entails the purposeful killing of a preborn child for the sake of terminating an unwanted pregnancy.

 

That said, several of the pro-life physicians we spoke with mentioned that it is imperative that ultrasound be used to verify that a twin embryo is not present in the uterus, as any drug administered to terminate the pregnancy would affect both the ectopic and the uterine pregnancy. In the case where a uterine pregnancy is also detected, surgical treatment is considered a better option for an ectopic pregnancy, in order to give the twin in the womb the best chance for survival.

 

Please don't misunderstand. We're aware that there are many people who feel strongly that terminating a pregnancy is wrong in every instance, regardless of the circumstances. What's more, we agree one hundred percent with those who contend that the humanness of the child is not dependent upon the health or welfare of the mother. That doesn't change the fact that, in a scenario like this, a decision of some kind has to be made. There's simply no way around it.

 

We should hasten to add that we pointedly disagree with those who expand the phrase "life of the mother" to read "health of the mother." Under this broader interpretation almost any temporary discomfort during pregnancy can be used to justify an abortion. In fact, Doe v. Bolton, the United States Supreme Court case that along with Roe v. Wade legalized abortion in 1973, allows abortion for virtually any or no reason at all under the guise of "health of the mother." From our perspective, this is altogether different from those few cases in which the continuation of pregnancy places a mother's life in grave danger.

 

There you go. Even as I read over and edit this blog, I find myself heartbroken. I know what it's like to lose a baby before she's had a chance to take her first breath. The loss of life, including preborn life, is truly heartbreaking.

 

Sometimes, though, we're faced with unfathomably difficult scenarios ... and we weep alongside those women who've had to make that difficult decision to end their pregnancies under these circumstances.

 

* * *

 

For more information, consider the following:

 

 

Focus on the Family also has counselors and care specialists who are available weekdays to talk with you, provide information and encouragement, suggest resources, give referrals and pray with you. If you are struggling, and would like to talk with one of them, you can find more information here.

 

For the sake of sensitivity toward those who are wrestling with this issue, we are not accepting comments. If you'd like to share your thoughts with us, you're free to e-mail them to editor@boundless.org

4,913 Views Permalink
22

 

I've heard some newlyweds start a marriage with brand-new houses in the suburbs and new cars, taking vacations throughout their first years of marriage.

 

Not us.

 

We lived in a tiny 1970-something mobile home in a trailer park for the first 17 months and loved that place, despite the thin walls, cold winter floors and a washer that only worked intermittently (and no dryer). We had nothing but our love, yet it was everything we needed. In that time, we were able to pay off some school debt and miraculously buy a small home in an old neighborhood. It's nothing fancy, and there are no HOAs, but we really like where we live. Smaller homes mean the neighbors are outside more often, and we've gotten to know lots of them pretty well.

 

This kind of "formula" is what I've seen with many of my peers. They start marriage in a tiny apartment or a mobile home, and eventually they're able to buy a small house and maybe even a bigger house years later. But they've all started with the worn furniture and mismatched dishes, more love than crystal and china, and plenty of funny (and horrifying) stories about their "first place."

 

Though we don't have money for vacations or new furniture (gotta love used furniture stores — and craigslist), I don't envy those who do. We've struggled through hardships in our early years of marriage and have become closer because of them. In the first weeks after the birth of our child (and the ensuing colic that lasted for an agonizing 6 months), I wept to my parents: "This child is ruining our marriage! We're never going to be able to talk or even eat a meal together for who knows how long?!" My dad objected, pointing out that the hardship would draw us closer together, and that when we faced a new challenge, we'd be able to look back at the colic season and say, "We made it through that; we can make it through this."

 

Hardships are just that: hard. But they can be a breeding ground for greater intimacy, too. And as we grow in marriage and face other challenges, past hardships can give us hope that our marriage can be stronger on the other side. If we stay committed to marriage through rocky times and financial uncertainty, we can see these difficulties as an adventure to live together rather than a ploy to "ruin" our relationship.

 

What was your "first place" like? And what hardships have you faced in marriage that have brought you closer together in the end?

5,280 Views 22 Comments Permalink Tags: marriage, finances, conflict, divorce_prevention
More

Pre-marital counseling … a year later

Couples who have at least a year of "real marital life" under their belt could gain a lot from going back to what they covered in pre-marital counseling. Often couples are too blinded by love or too distracted by wedding planning to get the full benefit of pre-marital counseling. And of course, lots of couples never get pre-marital counseling.

Whichever category you fit into, you'll appreciate the insights offered of Danny Huerta from the Focus on the Family counseling team for the young married segment of Weekend Magazine. In an interview with Steve and Candice Watters, Danny rewinds the clock for newly married couples and reviews key premarital counseling principles that they may have missed the first time around.

Tune in throughout the month of August. Find more details here.

Find more insights along these lines from Focus on the Family's counseling team in the book The First Five Years of Marriage.

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