I continually hear couples, authors, speakers and marriage experts say that successful marriages don’t avoid conflict, they just learn to fight a “good fight.” A “good fight” including the use of “I” statements, showing your husband respect even in the midst of a confrontation, using the right tone of voice, and listening before speaking (just to name a few of the “good fight” techniques I have heard).

Even while putting these concepts into practice, repeatedly things would not end well after a conflict with my husband; I would confront him about an issue we needed to discuss and in doing so, he would feel like a failure as a husband.

Last week, I was debating the thought of addressing some issues with Charlie—specifically the idea that I would like for him to outwardly express his love for me. The last thing I wanted to do was allude that he was a failure by bringing these issues up, but I knew this conversation needed to take place for us to continue thriving in our marriage. At the end of our talk, Charlie smiled, hugged me, and told me “That was the best confrontation we have ever had!” I grabbed a pen and we immediately recounted what steps we took so we could repeat them in the future.

These were the things we did that led to our “good fight”:

1. I asked Charlie if there was a time we could talk. This gave Charlie a little time to prepare for a serious conversation and not feel blind-sided by a negative conversation.
2. Before I addressed something negative, I affirmed the positive things that I appreciate. I specifically said, “I just wanted to let you know that when you plan a date night for us, I feel appreciated and loved. Last month when you took me out for dessert, I loved it! I really like when you do those things that let me know you are thinking about me.”
3. I acknowledged that I knew his intentions were good. Before addressing anything else, I said, “I know you really do love me and your intentions are to show me you do.”
4. I communicated my underlying feelings of the issue (using “I” statements, of course!). “Recently I have not felt loved because I have not seen you demonstrate that outwardly to me by planning a date night”
5. I asked for what I specifically needed and gave a tangible example. Instead of saying, “We haven’t gone on a date in a long time,” I instead said, “I was wondering if you would plan a date for us this Friday.”
6. Charlie explained that he sometimes feels overwhelmed because he does not know what to plan for a date, or he simply forgets to plan something. So, I then helped him make a plan; he ended up setting a reminder on his phone to plan a date once a month and he attached a list of things he could do so he would have some ideas ready.
7. Lastly, I reassured Charlie that even though I seemed frustrated, I do not expect him to do everything perfectly and get it all right. At the end of our conversation, Charlie felt reassured that he was a good husband, and he was able to meet my needs.

How have you approached a conflict with your spouse that has been beneficial? What have you learned is not helpful?  How have you adjusted your confrontation style to have a “good fight”?

Date your spouse. I heard this concept long before getting married, and I understood the importance of doing so, but I was unaware of the things that would prevent this from happening. I heard people say, “We don’t have the time, with kids,” or “We’re so tired we just want to crash at the end of the day,” or even “We live together so we see each other all the time… it’s like a date every night!” 

My husband and I have found that we give up our dates in order to stay within our budget. We often hear ourselves saying, “Maybe we should just stay home tonight instead of going out to eat,” or “Let’s just rent a movie instead of going to the theater, it’s a lot less expensive.” While we value the importance of living within our means, the constraints of our newlywed budget were beginning to take precedence over the fun times we once shared on “date nights."

Here are a few things we have found make a great “date night” on a budget:

• Cook dinner at home together, and just go out for dessert. We love doing this. Dessert is a lot less expensive than an entire dinner, and it still feels like a romantic date away from home.
• Pack a picnic of “man food.” Most guys tend to avoid the picnic date; fruit, crackers, and bite size sandwiches are just not their forte. Pack a picnic of brisket, sausage and buttery rolls, and they may just enjoy it more than they thought.
• Plan an outdoor adventurous, free of charge. We hike, fly-fish (well my husband fishes and I work on my tan), or camp at local campgrounds. We always pack a lunch or food, so gas is usually our only cost. Check your local visitor’s bureau for ideas and deals.
• Look for coupons or deals and try something new. We love to try new restaurants, but some just don’t fit into the budget. Check out Groupon.com, where you are emailed a “deal of the day” in your area. We bought a $25 gift card for $2 to a restaurant we wanted to try (we have to spend $35, but that’s still only spending $12 for $35 of food!)

We have also seen a decline in our small gifts and surprises for one another due to our budget. We have learned to be creative, to say the least. I like when my husband gives me flowers, but not necessarily because I love flowers. I love what they represent; he thought of me today and took the time to express his feelings to me. But a bouquet of flowers or the dozen roses on special occasions add up quickly. A few nights ago, I made a chicken pot pie for dinner, and before I put it in the oven, my husband came over and examined our pre-cooked dinner. He then took a knife and began to draw a picture in the dough of the crust. He handed it back to me and said, “I know it’s not real flowers, but here is my version of a rose for you.” I didn’t care that it was a chicken-pot-pie rose—I absolutely loved it!

Do you have any other “date night” ideas for couples on a budget? What gifts or surprises do you give your spouse that are budget-friendly?

I've heard some newlyweds start a marriage with brand-new houses in the suburbs and new cars, taking vacations throughout their first years of marriage.

Not us.

We lived in a tiny 1970-something mobile home in a trailer park for the first 17 months and loved that place, despite the thin walls, cold winter floors and a washer that only worked intermittently (and no dryer). We had nothing but our love, yet it was everything we needed. In that time, we were able to pay off some school debt and miraculously buy a small home in an old neighborhood. It's nothing fancy, and there are no HOAs, but we really like where we live. Smaller homes mean the neighbors are outside more often, and we've gotten to know lots of them pretty well.

This kind of "formula" is what I've seen with many of my peers. They start marriage in a tiny apartment or a mobile home, and eventually they're able to buy a small house and maybe even a bigger house years later. But they've all started with the worn furniture and mismatched dishes, more love than crystal and china, and plenty of funny (and horrifying) stories about their "first place."

Though we don't have money for vacations or new furniture (gotta love used furniture stores — and craigslist), I don't envy those who do. We've struggled through hardships in our early years of marriage and have become closer because of them. In the first weeks after the birth of our child (and the ensuing colic that lasted for an agonizing 6 months), I wept to my parents: "This child is ruining our marriage! We're never going to be able to talk or even eat a meal together for who knows how long?!" My dad objected, pointing out that the hardship would draw us closer together, and that when we faced a new challenge, we'd be able to look back at the colic season and say, "We made it through that; we can make it through this."

Hardships are just that: hard. But they can be a breeding ground for greater intimacy, too. And as we grow in marriage and face other challenges, past hardships can give us hope that our marriage can be stronger on the other side. If we stay committed to marriage through rocky times and financial uncertainty, we can see these difficulties as an adventure to live together rather than a ploy to "ruin" our relationship.

What was your "first place" like? And what hardships have you faced in marriage that have brought you closer together in the end?